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This was good :D maaakkkkeee moooorrrreee
I'm not going to lie.
1. You need an editor.
2. This seriously lacks substance. That dream was seemingly pointless and it was 50% of this intro.
3. Chip and Jack are one-dimensional, and the only two characters so far.
4. What are those random breaks in the paragraphs? The indentation also appears haphazard.
5. All tell, no show. And it is told so blandly and without description it is almost refreshing.
6. Most importantly, don't get discouraged! Have confidence. Improve. Keep writing.
4768493 Look. Not everyone's J K Rowling. Even though this is my first time writing a fan fiction. I understand and respect critics. But let me explain a little
The intro wasn't unnecessary. It gave you a look at Chips personality, apperence and way of thinking.
The layout on the intro might have been damaged since a lot of the spacings and paragraphs were taken away in the export (don't know why).
And what do you mean with one dimensional?
And btw. It's just the introduction, take it easy with the expectations and the need of description. Ofc I could do some more fillings and descriptions. But I'll do chapter 1 more... carefully. Gonna get a laptop soon so I'll be able to lay down more time and spellchecking/edit the chapter ^^
Thanks btw
/Love TheChipMonkey
4768769
I would recommend adding some kind of signal marker in between the dream sequence and the "real" narration. You mention the waking up part just briefly and I had to go over the block a few times before I found out what was the case.
What Sophos means with one-dimensional is most likely the fact that, well, there isn't anything we know about the characters. (It probably merges with his second point). The dream sequence is weird and when there are such weird things, the usual things to portray a character as brave or stupid don't really fit. Maybe you should've kept the whole dream more "realistic".
4768769 Thanks for defending your work, and doing so with class. Too many just go "Thanks!"
when they don't mean it because they think they're supposed to.
4769197 is exactly right by what I meant.
A dream is either like a memory, where a character experiences something entirely plausible to them and should be rooted in reality; or it is abstract in a way that neither the character nor the audience knows what it could mean, but they are soon given how the character feels about it. Throughout the dream in your intro, it not surreal enough to serve any purpose except to display Chip's character; which we can't trust since it's not realistic either.
An editor's job is to make a story better, not the writer; so believe me when I say I'm not an editor but I am here to help. There are plenty of us around who will take time out of our day to help you (there are two here already). That said I have quite the distaste for telling people what to do, I want you to find your own solutions, so here are some purely conjectural suggestions: I would lose the dream entirely. Characters' character is always better displayed in real situations with real choices, but not neccessarily in dire ones like the dream depicts. Character shines through when there is no need to act. One of my own scenes that I'm particularly proud of, is one where the my main cast simply sit down and talk about food. I'd extend the dialogue between Chip and Jack, punctuate it with self reflections, hint at their history and goals, and include at least one instance of working together sans dialogue.
Hope that helps, good luck.
4770000 You got a point there. But let me explain my thoughts about the dream.
The dream is IN FACT a nightmare and nightmares often show one's worst "phobias" which will be shown in further chapters. And the lack of the personality and sides of of the mains will also be shown trough out the chapters. I kinda see yalls point and yes, an editor would be nice ( WHERE COULD I FIND ONE ;_;). It's the intro.. and I'm going to try remembering this all while writing the first chapter.
But once again, don't have high expectations about the intro. In fact, a lot of writers often have a total mind confusing intro like a description of the place they live on. But thanks
4770351
I have a few pieces of off-topic advice for you:
- Don't make the excuse of "it's just the intro; it'll get better later on"; although it works soemtimes worked (with my story (although I would've been glad to get that many ratings and comments with some actual content at the start (it took me five chapters to get 7 ratings))), we all should do our best especially in the beginning. It is the part the readers read first and it decides whether or not they read further.
- And I think you should remove your big, red "this is my first fanfic" disclaimer. It attracts people who don't like FoE (or anyone who dislikes something (like HiE)) and makes them think they can pick on someone weak by leaving dislikes. It is also often used as an excuse for lazy writing, which doesn't even have to be the case, but it'll influence the readers' expectations with the story (like having many dislikes or likes influences it, even if nobody would admit that.)
Long story short, scratch the disclaimer or make it a bit less outstanding.
P.S.: you can find an editor for FoE stories in here.
4770992 Okay. I'll try the editor thingy and gonna remember all these comments while writing chapter 1. Just have patience please. . I'll try sorting things up. The dream and everything will be explained, but the chapter might take 1-2 weeks due the amount of text I want ( 5000-7000 words)... darry me if there's gonna be errors in that...
4773992
You shouldn't rush anything. Goals like 7000 words in 1 or 2 weeks may be doable for some authors, but if you need more time or only manage to do around 2000 words, noone will be disappointed or not willingly to read your story. Some authors take months to write 1000 words and some squeeze out 16k in a week. Those are extremes, you have to find your own path.
Everyone here is patient, we don't have another choice.
4774212 haha ya.. but I have a quite "imaginationy" mind so it shouldn't take too long. But I've got an idea. I'll make a new intro, with more descriptioning and better. .. storyline (no dream) and have this as a "side story intro". Or, I'll just continue writing on the intro ^^ I think I'll do that.
4774212 I remade the intro slightly. So if you could like..to read it or something.. :3
4828263
Okay, I have to say I liked the second part (the talk in the real world) better than the one in your first version. Although you write "Sparkle Cola" one time and "Nuka Cola" two other times. You should stay in the FoE world if you write an FoE fic.
And again, i would recommend doing some kind of horizontal line or marker between the nightmare sequence and the real world sequence. Such as this:
But on the other hand, I think of your first version's dream sequence better. Simply because more detail doesn't really fit a nightmare sequence. I'm sure you can understand that. A nightmare should be disturbing and surreal, have a message and be over quickly. If this would've been any other fight sequence, your details would have been place right, but since it's a dream, you should concentrate on the important parts. Such as: he tries to fight, seems he succeeded, not so fast! Is killed by the monster, wakes up. And that he was knocked out inside his own dream and later woke up sounds a bit... unlikely, unless this is an Inception crossover.
Or do people dream in exact details like that? I can only speak for myself on that account.
Long story short. I liked the first version of the dream better because of it's (a bit overdone, but still comprehensible) dream-like-ness.
And I still think this should be named "Chapter 1" and not "Prologue" because it's basically a piece of narration. I'm mean there's action, there's dialogue. And no information about the world whatsoever, which would be the point of a prologue.
4833055 the Sparkle Cola accident was caused by "Word" auto correcting it into Nuka Cola (Old custom auto correct thingy) but I should fix that.
And thanks^^. My first time writing a Fimfic and this is really helping me for the future
And a other thing. I didn't change anything in the dream. i just changed the part where he wakes up :) But now when my head's fresh I'ma take a look at the dream and change it a bit. And start on Chapter 2
4833069
Strange... I thought in the first version he was crushed by a tentacle and now he gets beheaded. My memory is weird.
4833360 And I kinda wanted the dream to be detailed to fool the reader that that's happening in real time, only to realize that it's a dream
so that's why it's so detailed and.. "Background detailed" 