Fallout Equestria: The Nightwatch

This is the story of a young pegasus who wants nothing but to explore the world beyond his home. After enlisting in the Equestrian Army, the pegasus finds himself and two others subject to what seems to be special training. The trio are subjected to an experimental process; one that promises to make them a few of Equestria's finest soldiers. What will await the trio as the tanks open again?

This is the story of Nightwatch.

Chapters (3)

Chapter 0 - Nightwatch · 4th Aug 2014 · 7,241 words
7,241
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Chapter 1 - Alone · 30th Aug 2014 · 4,692 words
4,692
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Chapter 2 - A Brief Respite · 15th Mar 2015 · 4,038 words
4,038
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Comments ( 5 )

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Tailgate

Tailgate #1 · Aug 4th, 2014 · 1 · · Chapter 0 - Nightwatch ·

I liked it, good story. Though, I would like to see more of it.

Tetragrammaton

Tetragrammaton #2 · Aug 5th, 2014 · 1 · · Chapter 0 - Nightwatch ·

I followed the sound into the next room and spotted a computer terminal at a desk. The screen flickered, almost as if it were trying to grab my attention. I made my way to the terminal and eyed the words on the screen. Test subject A: Status: Critical Error. Test subject B: Status: Tank Open. Test subject C: Status: Critical Error.

You should separate the narration from the "on-screen" information like status updates, which are occuring exactly like this in the characters mind/(s)he reads it. Like this:

I followed the sound into the next room and spotted a computer terminal at a desk. The screen flickered, almost as if it were trying to grab my attention. I made my way to the terminal and eyed the words on the screen. Test subject A: Status: Critical Error. Test subject B: Status: Tank Open. Test subject C: Status: Critical Error.

I think you should space your story aka breaking up the huge paragraphs. Do a space line whenever a unit of meaning ends. You do it already

I walked for what seemed like hours. The night sky flitted overhead. The land was indeed devoid of most life. I spotted a few ponies off in the distance and tried to get their attention. Their clothing seemed rather tattered and torn, and they looked to be brandishing weapons. As I made my way closer, I managed to grab their attention. Looks of horror flashed across their faces before they started firing their weapons at me. Instinct took over, and I was upon them in seconds. As the feral impulse died down, two ponies lay bloodied and dead. The third, pinned underneath me, looked up at me in horror as my senses returned.
(Make a space line here)
“Wh-What the fuck are you?” The stallion muttered. Blood dripped down my jaw onto his cheek. I could see a large gash in his throat and I managed to put two and two together. Stepping back and away, the stallion shouted. “What in Luna’s name are you?!” The stallion coughed, and blood speckled into the air around him before he went limp. I noticed a wagon the three ponies must have been towing. I looked around in their wares until I spotted a few things that interested me. A .308 sniper rifle and a .44 magnum revolver. There was an overcoat and a some saddlebags in the wagon as well. Pulling the coat on and securing my weapons at my sides, I trotted off. Angelica and Lily alongside me, I kept walking.

Your larger gaps are already indicated by a space line,but I think you should get some kind of indicator instead. Something like xxxoOOoxxx.

I would also recommend scratching the huge empty space in between the two larger sections of the text.

Those are just formatting suggestions.

Is the last part happening in the wasteland (resulting in some time of stasis-pot story)? Just curious.
This story looks good so far, I would like see how it continues. Keep writing.

Runalix

Runalix #3 · Aug 12th, 2014 · · · Chapter 0 - Nightwatch ·

4806096

Thanks for your feedback; it's much appreciated.
I did look into editing the spots you pointed out, and I hope that makes the story flow better.

To answer your question; yes, the last part is taking place in the wasteland after Nightwatch leaves the facility.

Again, thanks for your feedback.

Runalix

Runalix #4 · Aug 12th, 2014 · 1 · · Chapter 0 - Nightwatch ·

4798937

This was actually intended as a prequel of sorts. I wrote this intending to introduce this characters origin.
Nightwatch was originally supposed to debut in another Fallout Equestria story, however the other two authors have decided to put that story on hiatus in favor of finishing a few of their other projects.

I may continue this story further, though, because there's a large time frame between the end(?) of this story and Nightwatch's first appearance in the previously mentioned project.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, and if I can I'll continue this story.

Digital Ink

Digital Ink #5 · Aug 22nd, 2014 · 1 · · Chapter 0 - Nightwatch ·

Haven't read it yet, but I will soon! I can't wait to see where this goes. Also, if a few certain things still happen, it'll tie in nicely with the next story Night appears in

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