- Member Since 13th Oct, 2013
- offline last seen May 24th, 2022
BlastingCap
Hello! I am an armature author that is trying to get back into what i used love to do. Which is writing! My twitter is @jack_rabbit74 and my discord is Blasting Cap#7187
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This is mostly ok, but how did Homage knew every single detail of the fight, like the gun calibre of a weapon she probably doesn't know?
4611398 If you read closely she says the ponies who witnessed the fight looked at the bullet casings and determined that it was .308.
4612072 Really? Damn, I didn't noticed that...
You need an editor.
4613626 Yeah, i do and i put this story on the Writer's Group to see if i can find one. I don't get internet access very much depends on the time of the year so i can't do it as much as i like. But, if you know one then, it would be appreciated
For starters, the first paragraph isn't indented. At the end where you wrote pip-boy 3000, it should be capitalized to get Pip-Boy 3000. Names of things like that are usually capitalized. The dialogue is fine but rather bland, and you could do very well to greatly expand of several details here and there.
It would be better said to the effect of: “I didn’t ask for this. None of this,” said a lone man wearing a brown leather duster, stained with dried, flaking blood with a black Stetson perched jauntily on his head. He crouched on a rocky overhang, looking out over a city blanketed with snow and ice. The sky is extremely overcast; the clouds stained red from the evening sun setting on the horizon as the black night crept up on his rear.
Note how I didn't put a period/full-stop at the end of the man's dialogue, but rather a comma followed by a lower case letter on the following word. It's grammatically correct to use, but proper placement is key to get a sentence and dialogue to flow more smoothly, as I did with the other commas. Sometimes it's better to use semi-colons and em-dashes.
Take this sentence.
I'd rewrite it to the effect of: A rifle, resembling an AK47 from the old days on Earth—but with a longer barrel—sat adjacent to the strangers back; slung over his shoulder.
The em-dashes I used are when you want a sharp transition from one word to the next while maintaining continuity. Semi-colons are a combination of a full-stop and comma. You'd use those when you want a break in the sentence, but not as abrupt as when you would use a full-stop.
Holotape does not need to be capitalized.
The semi-colon could be replaced with a full-stop. Instead of saying 'magically taking out', try saying 'using his aura to bring forward'. Also, 'Zebra Assault' doesn't need to be capitalized. As a thought, when he puts in the magazine, add "and then he pulls the action on the rifle back, letting it snap forward, loading a round into the chamber." Adding that adds drama and tension to a degree.
One more thing. Where you've got 'Godforsaken City' at the beginning, that doesn't need to be capitalized either.
Overall; it's a decent setup that could be reworked to deliver more tension that would make the reader more intrigued, making them want to read more.
That's all I have to say at the moment. Good luck with the story!
4615060 Thank you very much i appreciate it
Sounds pretty good so far, and credit to Alcatraz for what he's done. Unfortunately, there's just one more thing that needs to be fixed: the tense. It keeps changing from the present tense to the past tense and back again, and the story just doesn't flow. For example:
"The sky spread out before him is extremely overcast..."
The use of 'is' here changes the tense from past (what you were using) to present, and really just chops the story up. It should be 'was' to keep the flow.
Apart from that, it's good! If you need to know where else to fix just let me know.
Dude, you really need an editor.
4645678 Yeah, i know. I'm still trying to find one. If you know one just send me a link. It would really be appreciated
4611398
Depends on just how good the cameras in the towers are. If they're spy satellite quality, she might be able to have read the headstamp on the empty brass. Older satellites are supposed to be able to be able to read a newspaper headline from orbit, so it's not out of the question for those cameras to be similarly powerful.
4645967 Ok...i forgot about that
4645884 If you can't find one within the next week, I'll do it
4649830 Alright, thank you very much.
Finding an editor is like trying to find a truthful politician in DC. One in a thousand.
4645967 You chose your username on purpose, didn't you? I can appreciate that 'Mech, but I'm more of a Cataphract pilot myself.
4665486
I did indeed. When I was a kid and video games had only 3-letter high score names, I'd use '
PPC' for mine.
4666078 Heh, I used MRK, DVN, KRT, LAO or SNR whenever I got bored of putting NOV.
4667021
4667138 Problem?
4667145 justa little one
. Your coversation is just lighting my board
4667166 Good...
tymoon.eu/data/chan/fab/files/135698514328619.gif
4667497 hmm, intresting...
Considering he numerous grammatical, spelling, missing words, and or misuse of words.. I pretty much had to slog through this, it's a good premise, I like it, I like the story, but may I suggest that you get a good pre-reader/editor to help out?
4668552 I'm trying to look for one if you know one that would awesome
4668818 I certainly know one. *holds up mirror* Hey, handsome, how ya doin'?
4668983 Ok...
Sorry just made me laugh
4668983 But, you are willing to help?
4668991 Succuss! That's how the McDonald's spelled 'success' when my niece got a job there.
4668996 Perhaps...perhaps. Lemme check my calendar.
4668997 That's nice
You think they need a lesson on spelling?
4669003 Le calendar says....I'll have to finish up editing about 18k words worth of another story, but I could have that done in a few hours, if I stopped being distracted by stuff, like making corn muffins.
4669031 Ok, now you are just making me hungry
Well... good thing i got princles 
4669037 Pringles? Hah! My cousin is making her chili, which won first place thrice in the Georgia state chili contest. She also hit me for typing that, and she just walked away. *maniacal laugh* Hungry now?
4669082 Hmm, challenge acceptedts1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=HN.607994071694377310&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0
4669082 Most likely i'm going to have some nice smoked ribs that just fall off the bone smothered in sweet bbq sauce with some fried pickles. Now, that is how you do it in arkansas
Boom
4669090
2.bp.blogspot.com/-NCqPhU25VRw/UNRaAIpCyFI/AAAAAAAAH_I/urUB2w820zc/s640/jimmies-99.jpg
4669100 http://ts1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=HN.608002476945050769&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0
4669097 I'm in Utah. We have Mormons. Some of them can actually cook, believe it or not.
4669107 I'm in arkansas we have 'the dukes of hazard'
4669105 You forgot the [img][\img]
4669113 "The Dukes of Hazzard." Correction, your Honor!
4669115 Guess it didn't go throughts1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=HN.608002476945050769&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0
4669121 Much better, Headshot Lunar-sama.
4669124 ts1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=HN.608042394363757945&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0
4669132
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4669152 ts1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=HN.608056172624544311&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0
4669158
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/500x/40521910.jpg
4669196 ts1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=HN.608054772453082615&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0
4669213
s.quickmeme.com/img/af/af08a36c5fd57635eb5207bee69983fd69ac9d393461846ab368591d65095c3f.jpg
4670140 musingsoftheamusingmuse.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/indeed.jpg