• Published 1st Nov 2014
  • 2,885 Views, 134 Comments

Ⓑⓤⓣⓣⓞⓝ Ⓜⓐⓢⓗ - Obselescence



Ⓣⓗⓔ Ⓖⓐⓜⓔ: You are Button Mash. You have just woken up. It is time to play a game. Can you beat the final boss and eat all the breakfast? Score of 100 on Metacritic. Over 50 hours of gameplay!

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Ⓑⓔⓖⓘⓝ Ⓣⓗⓔ Ⓙⓞⓤⓡⓝⓔⓨ Ⓐⓝⓔⓦ

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NEW GAME PLUS BONUS:
-YOUR BEANIE HAT IS THREE SHADES REDDER.
-DAWNING KNOWLEDGE OF ONGOING TIME LOOP RETAINED.

You are Button Mash. You probably knew this already, but it is important to reiterate the basics for casual players. Not that you are one. In fact, you are probably the most really hardcore gamer in the history of gaming. Mom said so.

Yours is a noble lineage, stretching back all the way to the ancestral monarch, King Pong, who established his glorious reign by slaying fifty evil dragons in a single combo. Sadly, King Pong was assassinated in a treacherous act of treachery, devastating the once-great House of Pong and scattering its many hardcore players to the wind. However, a single colt managed to escape total party kill, and was raised as an orphan in a humble, unassuming village. The colt's name was Bangersun Mash, and he would go on to father a line of heroic heroes that eventually resulted in you. Also he saved the world, as was foretold in the prophecy of Power Ponies issue #34, which stated that...

Yeah, that was probably getting a bit too expository. The true value of a game lies in its gameplay, not its story. You are not interested in stories. They require too much thinking, and you have only just woken up. Not to mention that your reading comprehension is illiter—

Illegiti—

Iffy. Your reading comprehension is iffy at best.

You are really bad at thinking when you have just woken up. If only it weren't for your window! And also the sun. You cannot help but hiss in rage and pain as beautiful morning sunlight bombards you with harmful solar radiation. What was Princess Celestia thinking when she invented that? Everyone knows that games are best played in low-light conditions!

A quest already! And it's easy! Today is a good day. You are going to get so much XP today.

Time to start playing. What do you do?



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