• Published 1st Nov 2014
  • 2,888 Views, 134 Comments

Ⓑⓤⓣⓣⓞⓝ Ⓜⓐⓢⓗ - Obselescence

Ⓣⓗⓔ Ⓖⓐⓜⓔ: You are Button Mash. You have just woken up. It is time to play a game. Can you beat the final boss and eat all the breakfast? Score of 100 on Metacritic. Over 50 hours of gameplay!

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Ⓓⓔⓕⓔⓐⓣ Ⓔⓥⓘⓛ Ⓢⓤⓝ Ⓖⓞⓓⓢ

Good. The sun-demons have finally been shut out from your sanctuary, at the cost of a slight amount of physical effort. On the bright side, you can actually think now, which means it is also time for your favorite morning ritual: min-maxing!

Appearance: Suave, sophisticated, handsome, and full of youthful energy. You are equipped with a +5 Beanie Hat of Perpetual Motion, which adds greatly to your overall mystique and grandeur. Your sculpted flank does not yet bear a cutie mark, but you prefer to think this indicates your boundless potential. You absolutely do not look like a nerd. Not even a little bit.

Primary Attribute: Coolness.
Dump Stat: Uncoolness.

You would probably be even cooler if you could just reach the top ranking at Pon E. Cheese's Arcade down the street, but you are not quite that cool yet. You take heart in the fact that xXBelleSweetieXx's reign cannot possibly last forever.

At any rate, everything looks ship-shape. Time to look around!

Looks good to you, probably! There are video games here, and also your everything else. You used to have more of the latter, but a lot of it combusted spontaneously. Like your train, your firework collection, your Mighty Rockin' Pyromaniac Ponies™, and your water gun.

You're still not entirely sure how the other three caught fire.

At this point, most of what you have left is video games. Sometimes you pay attention to things that aren't video games, like video game memorabilia, video game comic books, and video game videos. But the amount of time you spend on those is relatively small compared to how much time you spend on video games. It takes skill to be as good as you are at everything that isn't not video games. In fact, you have set up a widescreen TV right in front of your bedroom door, so as to make sure you can't escape from practicing your video games.

You would very much like to play some video games now, in fact, but your stomach is rumbling and you are pretty sure Mom is shouting at you right now to come down and eat breakfast. That sounds like a good idea, actually! You should go do that. A hearty breakfast of Vide-O's is a perfect way to start the day! Guaranteed to provide the fuel you need to GAME LONG AND GAME HARD, LIKE PONIES WHO ENJOY PLAYING GAMES OFTEN DO!

You love that commercial.


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