Ⓣⓗⓔ Ⓖⓐⓜⓔ: You are Button Mash. You have just woken up. It is time to play a game. Can you beat the final boss and eat all the breakfast? Score of 100 on Metacritic. Over 50 hours of gameplay!
This is Ⓑⓤⓣⓣⓞⓝ Ⓜⓐⓢⓗ: Ⓣⓗⓔ Ⓖⓐⓜⓔ. The world's first-ever RPG/FPS/MMO/MOBA/RTS/TBS, now on Joy Boys near you.
You are Button Mash. You have just woken up. You are also playing a video game, because when are you not playing a video game? Hopefully you can make it downstairs. Breakfast is starting.
"I don't even play video games! I don't know what you want from me!" - Princess Twilight Sparkle.
"Button, that's very nice, but I'm trying to balance on this ladder right now, and if you keep distracting me, I'm going to—" - Mom.
"Is this fanfiction about yourself?" - Sweetie Belle.
"This was the worst game I've ever played. It should be used as a weed-killer, because that way it would have a reason to exist. 9/10." - Spike the Dragon
You are Button Mash. You probably knew this already, but it is important to reiterate the basics for casual players. Not that you are one. In fact, you are probably the most really hardcore gamer in the history of gaming. Mom said so.
Yours is a noble lineage, stretching back all the way to the ancestral monarch, King Pong, who established his glorious reign by slaying fifty evil dragons in a single combo. Sadly, King Pong was assassinated in a treacherous act of treachery, devastating the once-great House of Pong and scattering its many hardcore players to the wind. However, a single colt managed to escape total party kill, and was raised as an orphan in a humble, unassuming village. The colt's name was Bangersun Mash, and he would go on to father a line of heroic heroes that eventually resulted in you. Also he saved the world, as was foretold in the prophecy of Power Ponies issue #34, which stated that...
Yeah, that was probably getting a bit too expository. The true value of a game lies in its gameplay, not its story. You are not interested in stories. They require too much thinking, and you have only just woken up. Not to mention that your reading comprehension is illiter—
Illegiti—
Iffy. Your reading comprehension is iffy at best.
You are really bad at thinking when you have just woken up. If only it weren't for your window! And also the sun. You cannot help but hiss in rage and pain as beautiful morning sunlight bombards you with harmful solar radiation. What was Princess Celestia thinking when she invented that? Everyone knows that games are best played in low-light conditions!
A quest already! And it's easy! Today is a good day. You are going to get so much XP today.
It really is a beautiful window. If only burning solar rays didn't pass through it so often.
You risk taking a peek outside. Boring, boring, boring, boring... Oh, wait, is that an ad for your favorite brand of apple juice? You could already be a winner!
Of course, you always win at everything, but that is beside the point.
Hey, there's Sweetie Belle!
She doesn't wave back. You are pretty sure that she is occasionally intimidated by your stunning coolness. It's fine. You would be too sometimes, if you were not you, but rather somepony else, who is not Button Mash.
Yes.
You will never forget that one magical night you shared with Sweetie Belle that one time, wherein she expressed her great admiration for you and also thought you looked pretty handsome and good at video games. It truly was a magical time. Why, just thinking about it brings back a rush of imagery which plays through your head, not altogether unlike a video game.
Well, that's all the sunlight you can handle today. Time to close this window.
Good. The sun-demons have finally been shut out from your sanctuary, at the cost of a slight amount of physical effort. On the bright side, you can actually think now, which means it is also time for your favorite morning ritual: min-maxing!
Appearance: Suave, sophisticated, handsome, and full of youthful energy. You are equipped with a +5 Beanie Hat of Perpetual Motion, which adds greatly to your overall mystique and grandeur. Your sculpted flank does not yet bear a cutie mark, but you prefer to think this indicates your boundless potential. You absolutely do not look like a nerd. Not even a little bit.
You would probably be even cooler if you could just reach the top ranking at Pon E. Cheese's Arcade down the street, but you are not quite that cool yet. You take heart in the fact that xXBelleSweetieXx's reign cannot possibly last forever.
At any rate, everything looks ship-shape. Time to look around!
Looks good to you, probably! There are video games here, and also your everything else. You used to have more of the latter, but a lot of it combusted spontaneously. Like your train, your firework collection, your Mighty Rockin' Pyromaniac Ponies™, and your water gun.
You're still not entirely sure how the other three caught fire.
At this point, most of what you have left is video games. Sometimes you pay attention to things that aren't video games, like video game memorabilia, video game comic books, and video game videos. But the amount of time you spend on those is relatively small compared to how much time you spend on video games. It takes skill to be as good as you are at everything that isn't not video games. In fact, you have set up a widescreen TV right in front of your bedroom door, so as to make sure you can't escape from practicing your video games.
You would very much like to play some video games now, in fact, but your stomach is rumbling and you are pretty sure Mom is shouting at you right now to come down and eat breakfast. That sounds like a good idea, actually! You should go do that. A hearty breakfast of Vide-O's is a perfect way to start the day! Guaranteed to provide the fuel you need to GAME LONG AND GAME HARD, LIKE PONIES WHO ENJOY PLAYING GAMES OFTEN DO!
You spend an indeterminately long amount of time playing Trapped in a Room! on the widescreen TV in front of your door. Boy, that game sure was a classic. It has taught you so much as a growing colt. Someday you hope to apply the lessons you've learned from it in real life.
You are reasonably certain you will never get the opportunity to apply these lessons in real life.
Oh, right. There remains a widescreen TV in front of your bedroom door, so as to ensure that you cannot escape from practicing video games.
It seemed like a pretty a good idea at the time, honestly.
How are you going to get past it, though? Your feeble arms and dextrous hooves were made for playing video games, not real manual labor! You only got this hulking high-def behemoth in front of your door by beating your big brother at Ⓑⓤⓣⓣⓞⓝ Ⓜⓐⓢⓗ! Which was only slightly rigged in your favor!
Still!
Your stomach is rumbling, and mom is calling. What are you going to do about this TV blocking your progress?
You're not sure if it's even possible to defeat Mom, but you do close the M.O.M. interface, which could be interpreted in some capacities as ending M.O.M.
All said, that conversation could probably have gone a lot better. For one, you are extremely disappointed to learn that your breakfast has gone all cold and soggy. Soggy cereal is the absolute worst, and you do not think you could live in a world where the cereal is all gross like that.
Mom sounds kind of angry with you too, so that is a concern as well. Seemingly, you only have five minutes to get downstairs, which puts an uncomfortable time-burden on you. Never fear, though! You excel in countdown situations. Like counting down the seconds until school's over and you can play video games. You are exceptionally good at that sort of thing.
That said, you still have absolutely no idea as to what you're going to do about this giant TV blocking your door. You probably could wait until Mom comes upstairs, but by that point she'll probably be mad enough to assume her final form, and you're probably not at a high enough level to handle something like that. Five minutes is not nearly enough time to grind.
This is definitely a tough cookie to crack, but sometimes that is just how the nut crumbles.
Welp! You devoted all the think-space you have to solving the problem, and ten seconds later it's still not solved. There's only one possible response to that!
No, wait. That's probably not a good idea. Your honed game-senses tell you that doing that will probably lead to a Game Over, and you should never lose at anything. Ever.
Instead, you should probably do what all expert hardcore gamers do when faced with a crisis situation: remain calm, carry on, stop, drop, roll, stop, collaborate, listen...
A) Walkthrough A1 . . . . . . . Slaying Gargantarr the Ever-Dreaming A2 . . . . . . . Crying A3 . . . . . . . Playing Video Games A4 . . . . . . . Pretty Much All The Actual Content A5 . . . . . . . Checking the FAQ A6 . . . . . . . Watching the Let's Play A7 . . . . . . . Cow Level A8 . . . . . . . Ending Mom
Introduction:
Hi, everypony! This is your favorite friend, Button Mash, with some neat tricks and elite master tips for beating Ⓑⓤⓣⓣⓞⓝ Ⓜⓐⓢⓗ. This is a pretty hard and not-stupid game, so I am going to take it very slow for you so that you don't get confused by all of this. If you are a casual player, I mean. Most hardcore gamers will be able to understand a lot of this stuff super easy. I want to give a shout-out to all of my bro-ponies who are reading this FAQ. To save time and kilobytes on this FAQ, I will shorten any future references to you down to "bronies." Okay?
Now, to start off with, you play this game as the coolest hero ever: Button Mash! You probably knew this already, but it is important to reiterate the basics for casual players. Not that you are one. In fact, you are probably...
A4 . . . . . . . Pretty Much All The Actual Content
Okay, so at this point, you are probably stuck and not sure what to do. This is natural, because this game is hard. And not dumb. Did I mention that it's not dumb? Because it isn't. Trust me on this one.
The TV blocking your door is definitely the game's toughest puzzle. Possibly the very hardest puzzle ever conceived of in a video game (and I would know, because I have beaten every video game ever). To solve it, I recommend consulting the in-game FAQ, which should contain all the information you need to solve it. This may seem like circular logic, but actually there's a very important purpose served here, which you absolutely positively should read exactly as I've written it down below. I'm serious, you may think it's worth skipping, but you really need to pay attention to...
...I forgot to mention that there are some cutscenes in this part of the game that you can't actually skip. It seems to be a tiny bug where pressing start only fast-forwards things a bit. It's usually pretty easy to fix by pressing start again, but I wouldn't recommend it because there is a lot of important information for beating the game that you can only learn in the cutscenes, like...
Nah, I'm just kidding. There isn't actually anything in this part yet, because I still haven't managed to get past the widescreen TV. I'm pretty sure that it's not actually possible to defeat Mom, though. You would need to have a cheat code or something. Which all real games obviously have, because what's the point of a game if you can't instantly beat it? Duh. Maybe if you want to win without cheating you could try crying really really really hard, but your level probably wouldn't be high enough for that. I would probably recommend just waiting for me to beat the game, so I can update the FAQ and give you all the cool hardcore tips for winning the game.
In retrospect, you're really not sure why you thought that would help. It was mostly just gratuitous text and ASCII art. Although you have to admit that it was clearly written by a very handsome and clever colt. You really can't hold his failings against him, because his failings are very few and mostly nonexistent.
At this point, you're pretty sure there's just one thing left you can do. It's not easy to accept, but you've learned that sometimes life simply doesn't offer any alternative. It is much like video games in that regard, and you have to admit that the occasional return to good old linear gameplay is why you're sometimes okay with life. You still think the graphics are pretty ugly sometimes, but that will probably get fixed next generation.
Well, time to get started. You brush a drop of sweat from your forehead. It is never easy doing this, but you have to be brave. For Mom.
You decide to fire up the ol' Super X-Station One-64-U. Playing Super Street Cleaner 4 online until your eyes bleed is most definitely the solution to all your current problems.
Suddenly, the online matchmaking lights up. You have a match! But with who? What diabolical foe shall you be testing your mettle against?
The screen answers:
xXBelleSweetieXx
Uh oh.
The mysterious xXBelleSweetieXx has all the highest scores at the Pon E. Cheese's! You have never once come close to beating their scores, or deciphering the well-hidden identity of the pony behind that alluring moniker! You gulp nervously as the game begins loading. This could be your very first opportunity to test your mettle against xXBelleSweetieXx, and possibly decipher some of the mystery behind their mystery. It is a historic moment, to be sure.
The game is finished loading. Your destiny awaits.
xXBelleSweetieXx delivers a parting message: "Your destruction courtesy of Princess Luna." She then proceeds to laugh ominously, whilst delivering a Finisher so ridiculous that your TV explodes.
Curses! You can't let Princess Cadance get away with this!
You'll be sure to tell Mom to avoid voting for her in the next election.
In the meantime, you feel oddly and uncomfortably hot. You can't imagine why. You are pretty sure that you closed the window earlier, and that nothing you own has recently exploded or spontaneously caught fire... except the TV.
Oh, right, the TV. You'd almost forgotten about that. Especially after it exploded.
AAAAAH IT EXPLODED EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE!
THIS IS A CODE-A DRILL NOT-A-DRILL. A MASS-EXTINCTION EVENT. EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE AND IT IS ALL SOMEONE ELSE'S FAULT. BUT ALSO YOUR FAULT, TANGENTIALLY, FOR BEING UNABLE TO FIX IT. RESPONSIBILITY SUCKS.
OKAY OKAY YOU CAN FIX THIS. IF THERE IS ONE THING VIDEO GAMES HAVE TAUGHT YOU IT'S WHAT TO DO WHEN THE WORLD IS ENDING. YOU HAVE BEEN TRAINING FOR THIS (IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING) SINCE YOU WERE BORN. TIME TO PUT THOSE SKILLS TO WORK.
"Button, if the next words out of your mouth are not 'I'm coming down now,' I will unleash a wave of death, such as mortal eyes have never seen, and never shall live to see again. A thousand souls will rise from the deep, screaming as I forge them into my true sword, and with it I will tear the heavens asunder. For too long have the stars been idle, and the mortal world complacent. But I shall fix that soon enough."
Your onslaught of girlish tears quickly quench the blaze. That was totally intentional. You did that on purpose. Nobody can say otherwise. Nuh uh. You sit amidst the ashen ruins of your room, soaked in the brine of your distress, and feel pretty good about how this morning turned out. After all: you're a hero! The widescreen TV is gone now, and you can finally pass through your bedroom door. You should totally get a medal for all of this!
Or, at least, you should get breakfast.
Breakfast sounds like a pretty good idea.
At last, the end to your quest is in sight. You have fought with many evil things, braved many trials, and played so many video games to get this far. You can scarcely believe your journey is at an end, and yet... all things have ends. How else would you unlock New Game+?
A furious roar rises up from the dungeons as Mom yells to get your flank downstairs right this instant.
The realization of all the darkness that lies in your soul. Defeat him, and achieve enlightenment at last!
You are ready for this. You have beaten so many challenges and overcome so many obstacles that you cannot help but be ready for this.
Unfortunately, you are still at level one, which leaves you with a relative pittance of opportunities to unleash sweet finisher moves and hour-long special attacks. You do, however, have your trusty dextrous hooves, with which you can deliver great pain to anything as weak as you are.
Dark Mash takes one damage!
Progress!
"Your efforts are futile, your slaps pitiful. Witness now my true power!"
Button Mash takes one damage!
Owwwwww, that hurts! In fact, it hurts so bad that you feel like crying.
But you cannot! You must be strong! You must win this fight! You must eat breakfast!
Dark Mash takes one damage!
"I am the god you never were. Your darkness is the greater part of yourself. My power is infinite compared to yours. And Sweetie Belle doesn't even like your mustache."
Button Mash takes one damage!
You have to win! You must! You didn't play all of those video games when you were supposed to be studying for nothing! You will stay up all night and fake being sick to avoid going to school if it means you can just beat this one last boss!
And also any bonus content that may exist after it, obviously. You will never go for anything less than 100% completion.
IT'S WHAT MAKES YOU HARDCORE.
Dark Mash takes ∞ damage! Dark Mash defeated!
"Nooooooooo! This is impossible! How could this be? Please. Forgive me!"
"There is no forgiveness for insulting THE 'STACHE. Die, monster. You don't belong in this world."
You travel triumphantly down the stairs, feeling victorious. Because you are. You just beat the final boss. How could you not be feeling victorious after your victory?
The glorious King Mom is ready at the Round Breakfast Table to greet you and recognize the valor of your glorious deeds.
"Button, I heard more than two explosions. Explain."
"Uh... Aliens?"
"Aliens."
"Yes, probably."
"And you expect me to believe this."
"It would be really cool if you could."
"Well, I don't. You're grounded. Forever. Now eat your breakfast."
Project Lead, Director, Game Designer, Writer, Playtester, Important Person, Main Character, Iron Chef, Hardcore Gamer, Cool Colt, FAQ Writer, Gamer Extraordinaire, Art Lead, Character Designer, Playtesting, etc. Button Mash
NEW GAME PLUS BONUS: -YOUR BEANIE HAT IS THREE SHADES REDDER. -DAWNING KNOWLEDGE OF ONGOING TIME LOOP RETAINED.
You are Button Mash. You probably knew this already, but it is important to reiterate the basics for casual players. Not that you are one. In fact, you are probably the most really hardcore gamer in the history of gaming. Mom said so.
Yours is a noble lineage, stretching back all the way to the ancestral monarch, King Pong, who established his glorious reign by slaying fifty evil dragons in a single combo. Sadly, King Pong was assassinated in a treacherous act of treachery, devastating the once-great House of Pong and scattering its many hardcore players to the wind. However, a single colt managed to escape total party kill, and was raised as an orphan in a humble, unassuming village. The colt's name was Bangersun Mash, and he would go on to father a line of heroic heroes that eventually resulted in you. Also he saved the world, as was foretold in the prophecy of Power Ponies issue #34, which stated that...
Yeah, that was probably getting a bit too expository. The true value of a game lies in its gameplay, not its story. You are not interested in stories. They require too much thinking, and you have only just woken up. Not to mention that your reading comprehension is illiter—
Illegiti—
Iffy. Your reading comprehension is iffy at best.
You are really bad at thinking when you have just woken up. If only it weren't for your window! And also the sun. You cannot help but hiss in rage and pain as beautiful morning sunlight bombards you with harmful solar radiation. What was Princess Celestia thinking when she invented that? Everyone knows that games are best played in low-light conditions!
A quest already! And it's easy! Today is a good day. You are going to get so much XP today.
