Chapter 1: Bad First Impressions
And so it had come to this.
I stood, alone, my expression grim.
My Pony friends betrayed or otherwise removed, I stood calmly in the face of the Scourge that was soon to spell Doom for all of Equestria. I stood on the thin slip of land between the unforgiving lava below and the solid stone wall of the cavern, the only thing bothering to offer me any support at all, as I faced this scaly menace.
For all my vaunted intelligence, for all my clever skill, I still found myself being little more than one small obstacle between the beast and the town full of Ponies who had hated and despised me since the day of my arrival. I owed them nothing and knew little affection from them.
And yet, here I stood, facing that which would most certainly be my demise, and risking my life so that they would never have to feel pain I was about to feel.
My axe and spear lay out of reach, and my sword was melted slag in the lava. I only had one minor trick left.
But to understand what was happening, you must first understand how I came to that point, and for that, we must begin our story elsewhere, in a very different place, at a much earlier point in time...
.o0o. .o0o. .o0o. .o0o. .o0o.
It all began on an ordinary day in spring in the home I had shared with my Grandfather, a few days following his funeral. I had spent the last several years keeping an eye on the old man, and the reality of his death had finally set in when my Uncle- who had been named as the Executor of his Estate- reminded me that the house was a part of the Estate, and would be sold as soon as possible so that my Aunts and Uncles could get their share of it.
In short, I was out of a home, on top of losing the one family member I had been closest to.
So, I loaded up my little four-door Ford with a bunch of the things that I considered mine, put notes on several other things, and took off. I told my family I just needed a little time to clear my head.
I didn’t really have anywhere to go, so I hit the Interstate and just tried to sort myself with the rhythm and hum of my tires on the Blacktop. I kept going long into the night, until mountains loomed up all around, the air outside my windows chill in spite of the coming spring.
The first indication I had that something odd was happening was the tiny blue sparks. I noticed them whizzing by my window as I cruised along. Then, there was a bright flash, and the sound of my tires on the road vanished, replaced by the sound of air noise as the car suddenly found itself Twenty feet above a rather dense forested area.
I barely had time to brace as the ground rushed up and the airbag deployed upon impact with the trees. The shriek of metal bending and the sound of glass breaking filled the next few moments. The airbag and my seatbelt prevented me from being injured, but my car was a total wreck and I was hanging upside-down in it.
I knew that there was some danger in a wreck like this, a possibility of fire or worse, so I fumbled in my pocket for my multi-tool and used its knife to cut my seatbelt. I then tested the window crank, glad to find that it was still functional, opened the window and crawled out.
Once I was clear of my car, I got my first look at the place where I had come down. I could not see the road from here, nor could I see any signs of civilization. So I checked my phone. Naturally, no bars. It seemed that either I had driven off a cliff and flown way further than I had thought possible, or something really weird was going on.
I looked over my car. She was not in good shape. She had come down on her nose and fallen over on her roof. Fortunately, it did not seem like there was any fuel leaking, or anything bad like that, and the trunk was still in good shape, so once I retrieved my key from the ignition, I used it to open the trunk and retrieve several things that I had in there.
First came my roadside emergency kit. It had Flares, emergency cones, a thermal blanket, Rain gear and a few other handy things for this sort of situation. Then came my toolbox and the three jugs of water I keep in there, my hand axe, sleeping bag, and a 10x10 tarp. After that came my camping gear, a bag of charcoal, a box of matches, and the long cardboard box containing my Katana and my machete.
After a few more moments, I also pulled out my two-part, six foot long, steel-hafted black spear. Now, I know what you are thinking: Why was there a spear in my trunk? Well, where else was I going to put it? I screwed the two shafts together and leaned the completed spear against a tree nearby.
Knowing that the first things to do in a survival situation are to find shelter, secure food and water, and get a fire, I set about building a simple tent using the canvas and some pitons. I used some branches to make a bed that would be off the ground a bit, and then I found some stones and used my camp shovel to build a fire pit.
I had enough water for a few days, at least, but I kicked myself for not packing dried food or canned goods or something.
I scouted the area around my campsite, and noticed immediately that there was no road anywhere within 100 yards of where I crashed. That concerned me, as did the fact that it was now full daylight, where it had been night before the crash. I did not know how I had ended up so far from the road, or how I had lost at least eight hours, but, for the moment, at least, I had more pressing issues.
Turning my focus back to the task at hand, I located what looked like a likely trail for rabbits, and set a few snares with a little bit of cord and some saplings. Nothing to do but wait, I returned to my camp, and began gathering wood for the fire.
The night was beautiful. Through the branches of the trees above, I could see more stars than I had ever seen before. Sadly, the tiny opening into the sky was not large enough for me to get my bearings from it. I used tinder and matches to produce a cheery little fire, and I sat next to it, wrapped in my blanket against the chill of night.
In the morning, I was awoken by the sound of a cry. I went to check my snares, and found a… Decidedly odd looking rabbit handing from one of the loops. It was snow white, and had a head nearly as large as the rest of its body put together. It struggled against the snare and looked up at me with enormous eyes.
I admit, I had never killed an animal bigger than a bug before, but I needed food if I was going to get back to civilization. I caught the wriggling creature by the back of its neck and closed my eyes as I wrenched it hard, snapping its neck and killing it instantly, as painlessly as I could manage.
As its body fell limp, I wanted to puke. I knew what had to come next, and I had just enough knowledge to make a grand horror show of it. I had to remove the organs that I was not going to eat, and then cook the meat, in a short time so it would not go bad, so I took the body back to my camp and began the grizzly work of butchering the creature.
I was pretty far into the mess of it all when I heard it. A voice.
“Angel Bunny!” the voice called, “It is time for your breakfast carrot! Angel? Where are you?”
I had just barely managed to get to my feet when a Yellow… thing… trotted into view. I suppose that you could call this thing a “Pony” in the same way that you might call an Elf a “Person”, or a wolf a “Dog”. Sure, it had four hooved legs, a mane of hair, and a long tail – both colored pink – but it had large expressive eyes, a short muzzle, and cute little ears poking out of its mane. Oh, and wings. Definitely not a normal “Pony”.
I opened my mouth to speak when those huge eyes took in the sight of my butchering, and the remains of my victim. “ANGEL!” she screamed, a look of total horror filling her features. “NOOOO!”
She immediately burst into tears and fled back the way she came. I thought to follow her, maybe calm her down, maybe apologize or something, but I immediately thought better of it. If there were more of those things out that way, it might not be wise to chase one of them with blood on my hands. I gave a sigh and focused on cooking the meat, and then but what remained of the rabbit in a plastic sack from the last time I had been at the grocery store.
I kept waiting, and watching, though, and as the afternoon came, I heard the sound of new voices. “Come on, Crusaders,” one voice said, “Fluttershy said that the thing that killed Angel Bunny was in these woods somewhere. If we can catch it, we will get out Cutie Marks for sure!”
Another voice piped up. “I don’t know, Scootaloo,” it said, “Shouldn’t we leave it to the grown-ups?”
This was answered by a third voice. “We gotta find the monster before the Grown-ups get here, Sweetie Belle.” It said, “Otherwise it is back to the drawing board with our Cutie marks.”
The first voice spoke again. “Exactly.” It said, “And remember, we need to be really quiet so that we can sneak up on it. Huh? Whah!”
The last was punctuated by the whipping sound of one of my snares going off. In hindsight, I probably should have disabled those.
The one I guessed was called Sweetie Belle cried out in alarm. “It’s a trap!” she shouted. “It knew we were coming! What do we do? What do we do? Applebloom! What do we do?”
The other one seemed to be panicking as well. “I don’t know!” she cried, “We have to get out of here!”
The one caught in the snare shouted at the other two. “You can’t just leave me here! Get me down!”
I approached quietly and took in the scene as three smaller versions of the Equine creature I had seen earlier panicked and ran in circles trying to figure out what to do. The pair on the ground were white and yellow, but instead of wings, the white one had a single horn in the middle of her head, and the yellow one had neither horn nor wings.
The one hanging from the trap was orange, and had wings, but as it tried to use them, it only managed to buzz around in circles on the cord. “Hey! Sweetie Belle!” she cried, “Use your magic to get me down! Quick, before the monster comes!”
The white one stopped running and turned toward her snared friend. “Okay.” She said, “I’ll try.”
A faint green aura surrounded the white one’s horn, and then the orange one’s purple tail, tugging at it in an attempt to pull her free of the snare. After several moments of this, the force slacked.
Sweetie Belle sighed. “It’s no use.” She said, “I can’t get it. I’m not strong enough.”
I sighed and stepped forward, fishing out my multi-tool as I did. As they became aware of my presence, the three little Ponies all looked at me and fell silent. I opened the knife and the orange Pony I had heard named “Scootaloo” stared at me with wide, terrified eyes.
Her friends also saw the knife and immediately leapt into action. “We won’t let you hurt our friend, Monster!” the yellow Pony they had named as “Applebloom” declared.
Sweetie Belle joined her in standing in my way. “Yeah, Leave our friend alone!” she said, standing shoulder to shoulder with Applebloom in a display of solidarity that would have been a lot more intimidating if the pair of them were any taller than my knees.
I laughed at them and moved to step around them, intending to cut their friend down, when Applebloom kicked me in the shin. At the same time, a green glow caught my arm and pulled it back, attempting to wrench the knife free. I stepped back to avoid another kick and bent my strength against the force of the green glow, pulling Sweetie Belle off her feet, and then bent and caught Applebloom around the chest, picking her up off the ground as she struggled fruitlessly in my grip.
I glared at the little pony in my hands. “Stop that!” I said through teeth clenched against the throbbing pain in my shin, “I am trying to-“
“Get away from them!”
That was all the warning I got. In the next instant, I was hit solidly in the chest by a Rainbow Colored blur. The blow pitched me backward, sending Applebloom tumbling through the air. Before I could move to get to my feet, or even try to get my breath back, a rope looped around my arms, trapping them to my sides.
I looked up and saw what appeared to be a white Pony with a horn step up and rear her back leg to kick. “Take that you Ruffian!” she said.
And then I saw stars, and the world whirled.
As I slipped into unconsciousness, I mused at the novelty of getting beat up by a bunch of Ponies.
.o0o. .o0o. .o0o. .o0o. .o0o. .o0o. .o0o.
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*mall ninja intensifies*
5087016
5086994
It is important to note that his home was being sold out from under him, so naturally, anything he wanted to keep that was not too large to take with him was taken with him. The ponies will discuss the weapons when it comes to his trial.
5087252
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You are missing the point! Anyone with a katana immediately reeks with wish fulfillment. The fact he even owns one makes us believe he's an otaku who watches just a little bit too much anime. Along with this, the fact he owns one as well as a machete (does he live in the forest or something?) and a friggin spear means he's going to be slicing and dicing people. And as we all know, bloody murder fits so well into My Little Pony.
Oh, and let's not forget the beginning. Not only has a major plot point (if not the main plot) been spoiled, but now I know he's going to be the big might hero. Move over, Elements of Harmony! Here comes Humans McHandsy to save the day. Also he has an axe now. Oh, and he's so misunderstood! Everyone hates his guts and yet here he stands against some mysterious beast (the dragon on the cover). He owes them nothing, but he will risk his life for them anyway! What a great guy!
Actually, what's his name? Hell, what does he look like? I know absolutely nothing of his description. Why does he get nothing from taking care of an old man? Why was he taking care of him while not having his own home, job, or anything? How has he bought weapons and yet did not think about saving up for his own place when his grandfather finally kicks the bucket? And I don't know what's worse: The fact he just shrugs off seeing a talking horse when she leaves or that the Crusaders are so bloody stupid that they will hunt a killer monster. Why was Angel so deep in a forest that's been widely known to be dangerous? Or is the human actually like ten feet from the exit?
This story has plenty of problems and there's honestly nothing to keep readers hooked. We already know what's going to happen and we're not that interested with our first impressions.
5087468 Having the Katana means he will try the very human tactic of solving some problems by killing stuff. This has already led him to getting knocked unconscious. Further, the fact that the sword is noted as "Melted to slag in the lava" tells you about how well using it ever goes over. Yeah. Just because the Otaku has a sword does not mean he knows how to use it.
Big Mighty hero? Heh. Well... He will try.
He does not mention his own looks because, to be serious, who ever really ponders their own appearance, or their name for that matter? I will have a bit more description applied to him in the next chapter, though.
I am going to go a lot more into his back story as we go along. But for the moment, I can say that the Grandfather's estate was set up to be sold off and split amongst his children, not his grandchildren. This is a pretty standard arrangement.
Oh, and yeah. It is a self insert, so when he gives his name, it will be Skye Silverwing.
The Crusaders get real stupid when they get on a Cutiemark kick. And as for shrugging off a talking Pony... well... She is an entirely Alien being with only passing resemblance to a pony, and the fact that she can talk should be an issue?
Did I ever say this was Everfree? No I did not. This is actually the forest near Fluttershy's home, where all of her animals are safe and secure. He could walk 10 minutes and be at Fluttershy's cottage, but he has no way to know that.
Don't assume that you know what is going to happen just because of the setup. It is rather misleading.
5087605
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Wow. Just wow. You have gone above and beyond my expectations. I should have know that this was going to be a self insert just from all the weapons, especially the katana. Wish fulfillment indeed. Are your readers really supposed to buy the human's name is Skye Silverwing? That is a hard pill to swallow. And a talking animal is not supposed to be an issue? What planet are you from?
You know what's not misleading? The like/dislike ratio.
I took a look at this when I saw the like/dislike ratio. I decided to read when a Katana was mentioned in the comments. What I found was everything I hate in Human in Equestria stories.
First, I will tell you that there are some good things about your story. You grammar, spelling, and descriptive language are good. I saw very few mistakes and the only description actually lacking was the main character, but this can be allowed as long as you describe him later.
What is bad is the number of HiE clichés that are present. Self-insertion, wish fulfillment, a magical transportation to Equestria, and the "human is demonized/loved and turns evil/becomes the hero."
First the self insert. I always hate this about human stories as the writer, more or less, literally throws themselves into the land of Equestria. I don't want a story about your desire to go to Equestria, I want a story about a guy's struggle or adventure and I can't get that when I'm distracted by the fact that that human is you.
The wish fulfillment. First, magical transportation to Equestria. Along with the self insert, you transport yourself to the land you desire to be a part of. At least, that's how it always comes across to me. Second, the gear and survival knowledge. So, you just happen to have everything you need for a survival situation and you have the knowledge required for said survival situation. Not only that but you have a Katana and a spear. The axe and machete are enough in terms of things you can use as weapons. So not only are you an expert survivalist and you just so happen to have everything you need for your situation, you have weapons of war because...reasons.
Now the magical transportation. This always bugs me and here is no exception. You are magically transported to Equestia...how? Why? Did Discord bring you in? Did you find a portal between dimensions? Did Celestia have anything to do with this? There is no explanation as to how or why this happens. You best explain later my friend because this happenstance is just bad.
Now for my favorite, the human is seen as a monster and turns into the hero in the end. I'll admit. This is mostly due to the fact that this is a recurrent theme in HiE stories and it really comes down to execution. There are other turnouts for humans I have seen but it does come down to how it is executed. Here...it is not done well. First, you just had to kill Angel Bunny. I won't go into a rant about people hating the little guy but all of a sudden, every pony hates you for that. Your beginning shows that you are clearly hated by the time of the dragon fight so why help them? This shift from hated killer to hero of Equestria is ridiculous.
Overall, I would rate this a 3 out of 10 and you will get a dislike. While your grammar and such is good, your story is just poorly executed. Even if this was not meant to be you, this character is poorly designed, a Gary Stu. My advice is to learn characterization and work to avoid these clichés that I mentioned. Things work out too perfectly and go bad too perfectly. It's a cut-and-paste story line. I do wish you luck in the future though.
It's always gotta be a gods-damned katana, doesn't it?
5087605
...which is the Everfree. Seriously. Check the wiki, or just watch "Stare Master" (season 1, episode 17).
And now that I'm actually trying to read the story...
...what's with all the random capitalization?
5088083 Did I manage to get them all? Were there any troupes that I left out? If I am going to properly deconstruct the troupes, I need to make sure I have them all. Good hearted would-be hero, armed and equipped for whatever comes, finds himself in Equestria under mysterious Circumstances, keeps a cool head when others would have freaked out, eventually facing a threat at the behest of those who hate him... Did I miss any?
5090392
You forgot that he's a Gary Stu and as a result nothing more than a self-insert.
I'll give you some advice. You're fighting an uphill battle here and you're getting near the point where you can't recover this story. You've got three times as many thumbs down as thumbs up and you're fighting with people in the comments.
Find another way to do this if you want to save your story.
5090392 The only thing left to do, that I can think of, is have him get laid by the entire of the main six after he saves them from the dragon. I may be reading your comment wrong but are you trying to make sure to add them all in? The problem is that you've fallen into every pitfall mistake that make up these cliché troupes. The best way to go about addressing this is to think realistically.
What kind of person actually has all of this survival gear just tucked away in their truck? Honestly, think for a second? Is he a survival expert of some sort? Military trained? Only something like this would properly explain why he is so calm and is so prepared.
Who really owns not only a katana but a collapsible spear? I know there are collectors who buy and collect weapons, even functioning ones, but what kind of person is this guy to have these two weapons? Not only that but he just happens to have both sitting is his truck as well. Does he bring them everywhere he goes or is he just incredibly lucky that he happened to have them today?
I already addressed the magical transportation. Again, you better have an explanation later in the story. But the hated hero thing is something I can say more on. First is the fact that one instance and your guy becomes "Equestria's Most Wanted." You killed Angel Bunny, how does everyone hate you for that? I can see misunderstanding as long as you continue this trend of misunderstandings. But this doesn't mean that it's good. Again, think realistically. Unless this guy ends up killing more ponies and stealing things, I don't see how this will lead to him becoming so hated. Angel is just a bunny after all and Fluttershy would eventually forgive you once she understood. The rest of the main six would follow. Not an instant forgiveness but they wouldn't make you the Most Wanted for this one moment.
Really, some of these you can actually have as long as you execute it right. A military trained guy with a high level of survival skills would maintain calm in this whole situation. Make him a bit paranoid but also a weapons collector, and you properly explain why he has the weapons with him, more so owns them at all. I don't think you can have the "become hated because he doesn't understand the new world then be loved for saving a few lives." This just doesn't work out nor is realistic in any way. All you have to do is think for a bit. Heck, if you need, get a proofreader to find these clichés and troupes and point them out and why their stupid so you don't get into this mess again.
5092493 Actually, the really sad thing is that I gave this character nothing that I personally do not actually own, and, in the case of everything but the weapons, actually do carry In the trunk of my car. The Spear is something I picked up at a Ren. Fair five or six years ago, and the Katana is something I picked up at an anime festival a few years back. Both are currently displayed in my bedroom, but if I had to leave, and knew that the better portion of the stuff I left behind would have a high chance of being sold into my grandfather's estate, The katana and spear would go with me.
As for most of the other stuff, I like going camping when I can, and it all fits pretty well into my trunk, though I have an actual tent, a propane camp grill, and a small stockpile of canned goods I was not giving this character for plot reasons.
So who has all this stuff? A plain old, run of the mill, everyday lunatic. Not survival trained, but having watched enough survival shows to have a clue, and mentally hovering somewhere between thinking it was all a dream and the result of head trauma.
Naturally, the trend is going to be toward misunderstandings. I very nearly had him befriend the CMC, but I figured that the CMC's sisters would listen if the little ones knew he was not trying to kill them, so now he is hated for "Killing Angel Bunny and trying to kill the Cutie Mark Crusaders", which serves the plot better.
The character is a self insert of me, and I willingly admit to being a barely restrained, hyper-violent, passive aggressive sociopath with delusions of grandeur (like most American Males my age). Equestria is not ready for a human like me. Mind you, I am going to take your advice and try to make it more realistic. I will take a lot more time and put a lot more detail and backstory in the next chapter.
5094959 Well, before I leave you (because I have honestly spent a lot of time talking about all of this) I want to mention that this explanation only has the character far more of a self-insert with the wish fulfillment being, "I get to go to Equestria!" Really, this only hurts the story more. I can see now why he has this stuff, but that doesn't make it any better. You still have the pitfalls and mistakes that I said with the biggest self-insert I have seen.
Personally, I think the story should go as you are not likely to save it with this. What you now have is a "Here is a story about me and how I want to go to Equestria and how I think this may turn out but in a way that I think everybody would like." You can try to save it, and I wish you luck there, but I don't see this getting much more liked.
Well, I've seen worse. It was an okay read. Thanks for writing it, and we hope you learn from your mistakes. Know that at least a few people enjoyed it.
6525115 Wow I got downvotes. Yes, it's a bad story that was written a year ago. No, it's not THAT BAD. People are making this story worse than it seems, actually read it for a change.
6584497 Wow, people really did downvote you for being polite and nice about this story. Jeez. I can understand thumbsdown-ing the story... I mostly keep it on here to remind me to stay humble. But downvoting comments by people who didn't hate it? That is just mean. Upvoted.
I'm going to guess the hate comes from the self-insert route you took here. Best to steer clear of it otherwise the fans will get butthurt about it.
7440706 Yeah. Lesson learned. I got torn apart by rage reviews, but I learned a fair amount.
hella g8 pacing d00d