SkyeSilverwing
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*mall ninja intensifies*
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5086994
It is important to note that his home was being sold out from under him, so naturally, anything he wanted to keep that was not too large to take with him was taken with him. The ponies will discuss the weapons when it comes to his trial.
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You are missing the point! Anyone with a katana immediately reeks with wish fulfillment. The fact he even owns one makes us believe he's an otaku who watches just a little bit too much anime. Along with this, the fact he owns one as well as a machete (does he live in the forest or something?) and a friggin spear means he's going to be slicing and dicing people. And as we all know, bloody murder fits so well into My Little Pony.
Oh, and let's not forget the beginning. Not only has a major plot point (if not the main plot) been spoiled, but now I know he's going to be the big might hero. Move over, Elements of Harmony! Here comes Humans McHandsy to save the day. Also he has an axe now. Oh, and he's so misunderstood! Everyone hates his guts and yet here he stands against some mysterious beast (the dragon on the cover). He owes them nothing, but he will risk his life for them anyway! What a great guy!
Actually, what's his name? Hell, what does he look like? I know absolutely nothing of his description. Why does he get nothing from taking care of an old man? Why was he taking care of him while not having his own home, job, or anything? How has he bought weapons and yet did not think about saving up for his own place when his grandfather finally kicks the bucket? And I don't know what's worse: The fact he just shrugs off seeing a talking horse when she leaves or that the Crusaders are so bloody stupid that they will hunt a killer monster. Why was Angel so deep in a forest that's been widely known to be dangerous? Or is the human actually like ten feet from the exit?
This story has plenty of problems and there's honestly nothing to keep readers hooked. We already know what's going to happen and we're not that interested with our first impressions.
5087468 Having the Katana means he will try the very human tactic of solving some problems by killing stuff. This has already led him to getting knocked unconscious. Further, the fact that the sword is noted as "Melted to slag in the lava" tells you about how well using it ever goes over. Yeah. Just because the Otaku has a sword does not mean he knows how to use it.
Big Mighty hero? Heh. Well... He will try.
He does not mention his own looks because, to be serious, who ever really ponders their own appearance, or their name for that matter? I will have a bit more description applied to him in the next chapter, though.
I am going to go a lot more into his back story as we go along. But for the moment, I can say that the Grandfather's estate was set up to be sold off and split amongst his children, not his grandchildren. This is a pretty standard arrangement.
Oh, and yeah. It is a self insert, so when he gives his name, it will be Skye Silverwing.
The Crusaders get real stupid when they get on a Cutiemark kick. And as for shrugging off a talking Pony... well... She is an entirely Alien being with only passing resemblance to a pony, and the fact that she can talk should be an issue?
Did I ever say this was Everfree? No I did not. This is actually the forest near Fluttershy's home, where all of her animals are safe and secure. He could walk 10 minutes and be at Fluttershy's cottage, but he has no way to know that.
Don't assume that you know what is going to happen just because of the setup. It is rather misleading.
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Wow. Just wow. You have gone above and beyond my expectations. I should have know that this was going to be a self insert just from all the weapons, especially the katana. Wish fulfillment indeed. Are your readers really supposed to buy the human's name is Skye Silverwing? That is a hard pill to swallow. And a talking animal is not supposed to be an issue? What planet are you from?
You know what's not misleading? The like/dislike ratio.
I took a look at this when I saw the like/dislike ratio. I decided to read when a Katana was mentioned in the comments. What I found was everything I hate in Human in Equestria stories.
First, I will tell you that there are some good things about your story. You grammar, spelling, and descriptive language are good. I saw very few mistakes and the only description actually lacking was the main character, but this can be allowed as long as you describe him later.
What is bad is the number of HiE clichés that are present. Self-insertion, wish fulfillment, a magical transportation to Equestria, and the "human is demonized/loved and turns evil/becomes the hero."
First the self insert. I always hate this about human stories as the writer, more or less, literally throws themselves into the land of Equestria. I don't want a story about your desire to go to Equestria, I want a story about a guy's struggle or adventure and I can't get that when I'm distracted by the fact that that human is you.
The wish fulfillment. First, magical transportation to Equestria. Along with the self insert, you transport yourself to the land you desire to be a part of. At least, that's how it always comes across to me. Second, the gear and survival knowledge. So, you just happen to have everything you need for a survival situation and you have the knowledge required for said survival situation. Not only that but you have a Katana and a spear. The axe and machete are enough in terms of things you can use as weapons. So not only are you an expert survivalist and you just so happen to have everything you need for your situation, you have weapons of war because...reasons.
Now the magical transportation. This always bugs me and here is no exception. You are magically transported to Equestia...how? Why? Did Discord bring you in? Did you find a portal between dimensions? Did Celestia have anything to do with this? There is no explanation as to how or why this happens. You best explain later my friend because this happenstance is just bad.
Now for my favorite, the human is seen as a monster and turns into the hero in the end. I'll admit. This is mostly due to the fact that this is a recurrent theme in HiE stories and it really comes down to execution. There are other turnouts for humans I have seen but it does come down to how it is executed. Here...it is not done well. First, you just had to kill Angel Bunny. I won't go into a rant about people hating the little guy but all of a sudden, every pony hates you for that. Your beginning shows that you are clearly hated by the time of the dragon fight so why help them? This shift from hated killer to hero of Equestria is ridiculous.
Overall, I would rate this a 3 out of 10 and you will get a dislike. While your grammar and such is good, your story is just poorly executed. Even if this was not meant to be you, this character is poorly designed, a Gary Stu. My advice is to learn characterization and work to avoid these clichés that I mentioned. Things work out too perfectly and go bad too perfectly. It's a cut-and-paste story line. I do wish you luck in the future though.
It's always gotta be a gods-damned katana, doesn't it?
5087605
...which is the Everfree. Seriously. Check the wiki, or just watch "Stare Master" (season 1, episode 17).
And now that I'm actually trying to read the story...
...what's with all the random capitalization?
5088083 Did I manage to get them all? Were there any troupes that I left out? If I am going to properly deconstruct the troupes, I need to make sure I have them all. Good hearted would-be hero, armed and equipped for whatever comes, finds himself in Equestria under mysterious Circumstances, keeps a cool head when others would have freaked out, eventually facing a threat at the behest of those who hate him... Did I miss any?
5090392
You forgot that he's a Gary Stu and as a result nothing more than a self-insert.
I'll give you some advice. You're fighting an uphill battle here and you're getting near the point where you can't recover this story. You've got three times as many thumbs down as thumbs up and you're fighting with people in the comments.
Find another way to do this if you want to save your story.
5090392 The only thing left to do, that I can think of, is have him get laid by the entire of the main six after he saves them from the dragon. I may be reading your comment wrong but are you trying to make sure to add them all in? The problem is that you've fallen into every pitfall mistake that make up these cliché troupes. The best way to go about addressing this is to think realistically.
What kind of person actually has all of this survival gear just tucked away in their truck? Honestly, think for a second? Is he a survival expert of some sort? Military trained? Only something like this would properly explain why he is so calm and is so prepared.
Who really owns not only a katana but a collapsible spear? I know there are collectors who buy and collect weapons, even functioning ones, but what kind of person is this guy to have these two weapons? Not only that but he just happens to have both sitting is his truck as well. Does he bring them everywhere he goes or is he just incredibly lucky that he happened to have them today?
I already addressed the magical transportation. Again, you better have an explanation later in the story. But the hated hero thing is something I can say more on. First is the fact that one instance and your guy becomes "Equestria's Most Wanted." You killed Angel Bunny, how does everyone hate you for that? I can see misunderstanding as long as you continue this trend of misunderstandings. But this doesn't mean that it's good. Again, think realistically. Unless this guy ends up killing more ponies and stealing things, I don't see how this will lead to him becoming so hated. Angel is just a bunny after all and Fluttershy would eventually forgive you once she understood. The rest of the main six would follow. Not an instant forgiveness but they wouldn't make you the Most Wanted for this one moment.
Really, some of these you can actually have as long as you execute it right. A military trained guy with a high level of survival skills would maintain calm in this whole situation. Make him a bit paranoid but also a weapons collector, and you properly explain why he has the weapons with him, more so owns them at all. I don't think you can have the "become hated because he doesn't understand the new world then be loved for saving a few lives." This just doesn't work out nor is realistic in any way. All you have to do is think for a bit. Heck, if you need, get a proofreader to find these clichés and troupes and point them out and why their stupid so you don't get into this mess again.
5092493 Actually, the really sad thing is that I gave this character nothing that I personally do not actually own, and, in the case of everything but the weapons, actually do carry In the trunk of my car. The Spear is something I picked up at a Ren. Fair five or six years ago, and the Katana is something I picked up at an anime festival a few years back. Both are currently displayed in my bedroom, but if I had to leave, and knew that the better portion of the stuff I left behind would have a high chance of being sold into my grandfather's estate, The katana and spear would go with me.
As for most of the other stuff, I like going camping when I can, and it all fits pretty well into my trunk, though I have an actual tent, a propane camp grill, and a small stockpile of canned goods I was not giving this character for plot reasons.
So who has all this stuff? A plain old, run of the mill, everyday lunatic. Not survival trained, but having watched enough survival shows to have a clue, and mentally hovering somewhere between thinking it was all a dream and the result of head trauma.
Naturally, the trend is going to be toward misunderstandings. I very nearly had him befriend the CMC, but I figured that the CMC's sisters would listen if the little ones knew he was not trying to kill them, so now he is hated for "Killing Angel Bunny and trying to kill the Cutie Mark Crusaders", which serves the plot better.
The character is a self insert of me, and I willingly admit to being a barely restrained, hyper-violent, passive aggressive sociopath with delusions of grandeur (like most American Males my age). Equestria is not ready for a human like me. Mind you, I am going to take your advice and try to make it more realistic. I will take a lot more time and put a lot more detail and backstory in the next chapter.
5094959 Well, before I leave you (because I have honestly spent a lot of time talking about all of this) I want to mention that this explanation only has the character far more of a self-insert with the wish fulfillment being, "I get to go to Equestria!" Really, this only hurts the story more. I can see now why he has this stuff, but that doesn't make it any better. You still have the pitfalls and mistakes that I said with the biggest self-insert I have seen.
Personally, I think the story should go as you are not likely to save it with this. What you now have is a "Here is a story about me and how I want to go to Equestria and how I think this may turn out but in a way that I think everybody would like." You can try to save it, and I wish you luck there, but I don't see this getting much more liked.
Well, I've seen worse. It was an okay read. Thanks for writing it, and we hope you learn from your mistakes. Know that at least a few people enjoyed it.
6525115 Wow I got downvotes. Yes, it's a bad story that was written a year ago. No, it's not THAT BAD. People are making this story worse than it seems, actually read it for a change.
6584497 Wow, people really did downvote you for being polite and nice about this story. Jeez. I can understand thumbsdown-ing the story... I mostly keep it on here to remind me to stay humble. But downvoting comments by people who didn't hate it? That is just mean. Upvoted.
I'm going to guess the hate comes from the self-insert route you took here. Best to steer clear of it otherwise the fans will get butthurt about it.
7440706 Yeah. Lesson learned. I got torn apart by rage reviews, but I learned a fair amount.
hella g8 pacing d00d