So I thought I was dreaming but it turns out the choice I made erased my existence from this reality and put it in another; now I'm in Equestria, the land of magical talking ponies, where everything is sunshine and rainbows right? Well; it just so happens that it is also home to chimeras, hydras, manticores and several other kinds of vicious creatures that would like nothing better than to eat me. I'd have died the first week if it weren't for the fact that I ended up with immortality, and four random powers that change every time I die.
The funny thing about death; it still hurts.
(tags will be added when necessary and powers will be posted at the bottom of the chapter he get's them in)
this is an LOHAV fic
Chapters (10)
This is a cool concept if done well, and from what I can see, you do it well.
I hope to see more of this in the future.
This is not a cool concept, and it is not done well.
I hope to never see this again.
It needs work like describe more of what he dose and see to make it longer and flow better
Its a bit fast, but otherwise ok
>immortality
Stopped reading there. I haven't even started reading it and I predict a Gary stu.
5199901
5200354
5200433 thanks for the input.
5199943 if you don't like it then don't read, simple as that.
ts1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=HN.608031532520637727&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0
5200648 I'm using the superpower lottery challenge. When my guy Dies he comes back with 4 different powers because of resurrection roulette. they could be anything from Ki sense to worm physiology
To fast and a couple of little tidbits but hopefully things'll level out. All in all, the concept makes this worthwhile enough to keep track of
I'm getting a video game feel from this. It's going a bit fast and doesn't have that much flow but I would really like to see where this goes.
I like how this story is cant wait for more
5201129
5201090
5201061 thanks and I'll try to go a bit slower in future chapters
I've seen enough to know at least it isn't some shit that'll force you to read 2 stories at once, and it appears to not have horrific grammar errors everywhere.
Will keep eye on.
nice chapter. keep up the good work.
nice
This story is good enough, I suppose.
I see your a passive writer. And you writing an adventure story. The words passive and story do not mix and it shows. So far he's a blank slate with powers. We've got no emotion out personality to go on.
I would suggest that you switch to an aggressive style. Your using a third person omnipotent view. Use that tell us what he's thinking, no, show us what he's thinking. Show us what he's like.
I would like to recommend you perhaps take a glance at the school for new writers forum, they have lectures for this exact problem. Or you can go to the writing guide under the faq tab up top.
Few errors I found:
Also need to cap the 1st letter of a few sentences
need to cap the 1st letter of a few sentences
to lazy to put them in comment atm sorry
^need to be capped, the title as well
^maybe the I should be removed unless some words are missing here?
^need to be capped
^need to be capped
^need to be capped
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Well, that was an awesome read hope you can add more sooner rather than later
5911251 Thanks for noticing those; they're fixed now. I'm also about halfway done with the next chapter.
And I have one big reason I haven't been working on it lately
hdwallpapers.in/walls/destiny_2014_game-wide.jpg
CLIFFHANGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's dead! What are his new powers going to be?! I can't take the wait!
6114447 you'll find out in the next chapter
Here I thought it was agreed that the group wasn't to attack unless they had no other choice...
6579489 that was before they found out that the ponies were being kept as slaves
The idea is great, but the storytelling goes so incredibly fast.
This seems to be one of the tamer powerlotto or displaced fics ive read. I like that.
Yo, is this story dead?
8178218
Yup, authors been gone over 3 years with no explanation.
9375463
Well buck...
9375578
Il still keep it tracked just in case of a miracle and he somehow comes back, but I'm not going to put all my hopes on it
Dead