Life used to be simple. I would learn magic in the Academy, bond with my familiar, and with my sister. Even when I was unwittingly enlisted into a suicide team, life was still simple. But then, perhaps it was Divine Retribution, perhaps it was for kinslaying, and perhaps it was because I asked Mr. Richard for help.
Whatever the cases were, I am now plunged into a world filled with colorful ponies and other sapient magical beings, and unwittingly forced into a game greater than me. Still, with my trusty familiar, a new ghostly companion, perhaps I would survive all of this with only a few limbs lost. Hopefully.
Editor: (Open for whoever wants to volunteer)
P.S. Character and genre tags may be added in time
P.S.S. For those who don't know, in which you should be ashamed of yourself, Ruby is from Story of the blanks, a flash game. Search it on Master Google if you're curious.
I'm stealing this in case I need an adverb that means "in a way that causes unexpected childbirth."
Well... the prologue is messed up. Gonna fix it after school
Main thig I dislike is that you keep shifting tenses and you repeted the story . Others then that keep goig! I'm thinking you have some good potential as a writer!
YOUR TENSES
5003627
Err... fixed?
5003781 Good.
Nice job
this storys great :D all though i'm confused about the time period is it the past a point in the show or a whole new world (lol) any way keep up the great work ^_^
THE FEELS!!!
5006080
Eh, I haven't decided yet. Definitely after Discord got stoned
5007869 i hope it will be close to cannon :P
5009177
Doubt it
5009217 awwwww
You have an interesting premise here, and I'll be watching for more. However, I recommend you look for an editor. You might check one of the editing/writing groups on the site.
You have a lot of grammer errors and a number of wrong words and bad phrasing all over the place. I have to stop repeatedly to try and figure out what you are trying to say.
5030036
You might check out Looking for editors or the Proofreaders group.
5030036
Yeah, already got an editor. Just recently
5032124 nice
my god soul magic the most op magic there is, but it has a price if i remember, continue please also will we be seeing soul arrow, soul spear, soul mass like in dark souls
5035574
Of course it does. What fun would there be if it doesn't?
Truthfully, Psyche is just a trainee in soul magic, considering he's always on the run, no time to actually practice, and he had to improvise.
5037017 true true but you didn't answer my last question and dark souls sorcery gonna be used or no.
5037527
Ehmm.. I don't know. I only played Dark souls 2 as a mage, and it was still in the beginning... perhaps. I'll see.
5039256
I would like to help.
5062171
Sorry, but it's already occupied.
5062445 K
Its like he likes attacking Pinke. At least it not Fluttershy.
And really? You just had to put a Borderlands/Borderlands 2 Psycho/Krieg quote about a meat bicycle in the story.
You'd think Pinkie would learn after he smacked her the first time...
5398948
Pinkie learning not to party is like telling Pinkie not to smile. Beside, parties are the best cure of all things, for Pinkie that is, which coincidentally also for most ponies.
5397364
There's a few more reference in there, see if you can find 'em.
Keep your tenses straight.
5450429 Meaning?
5450531
This story would be perfect if you improve your grammar a little bit. Otherwise, it's great!
5450569 It's hard to be grammatically perfect when there's no one that could point out my mistake. I don't even know which one is the error/mistake
Awesome story dude!
5450611
Ill get back to you in a bit, im on my phone right now, and it'll be easier to do edits on my laptop when i get home.
5450804 Thanks
You need a copy editor badly. You have numerous basic grammatical mistakes such as tense issues and lacking in subject verb agreement. You also use awkward phrasings that a native English speaker wouldn't use. Example: so much is rarely used in reality and usually other phrasings are better.
5455154 I know. I'm still trying to find an editor
5450531 Past, present and future tenses?
5501603 sorry, what?
5501885
The event itself is the only thing that changes.
He will help the cook: Past tense, event has not yet happened.
He is helping the cook: Present tense, event is happening at this very moment.
He has helped the cook: Future tense, event has already taken place.
I don't know what he was referring to in the story, but here you go :)
5502260 Oh.I thought you were pointing a mistake in there. Thanks, anyway.
Being the little dick I am, I blame it in not having an editor, not because of the lack of my madsy gmrarrs.
5502526 it's okay, I camt spel
5502567 mii 2, su i use numb3res
***Review will be updated as story reading progresses.***
Before I start my review, I'll put an unrelated video here, just because I can.
Okay, to summarize the first two chapters up, a guy walks into a bar with a cat familiar and takes a request from what I can assume is an albino man and goes to the Everfree forest. They explore the forest, encounter some monsters, beat said monsters with magic before getting to this part:
I agree there--how would a Cerberus mate? Anyway, the duo get lost after a while, the world starts a-spinning, and the guy passes out. When he wakes up, he's in Sunny Town. So in the next chapter, the two explore the town and a pony implores them to leave soon after, but not before this tidbit came into play.
Pff.
So, they still explore the town whilst feeling a faint magical aura and then they leave before running into Ruby.
That last bit got me giggling, and I don't know why. I regret nothing. So the chapter ends with the as-of-yet unnamed human hugging Ruby and having memories of his young, dumb self come unbidden, and he starts with a joke. Sorry this review is short, but I had to summarize most of the chapters. I will now list what I liked and didn't like about it thus far:
Pros
Human has a cat familiar and is already acquainted with magic, and seems to be a survivalist of sorts as well.
Grammar is rather decent
It's paced fairly well
Had a few funnies to offset the dark
Decent characterization so far for Sunny Town inhabitants and Ruby, as well as establishing character for Nero and her master
Human is not a brony, and has no knowledge of Equestria and it's workings. This is very good.
Cons
Walls of text out the wazoo. It kills the eyes, indented paragraphs or not
A few grammatical errors here and there, mainly missing words
Passing out into Equestria, though it was stated the Everfree was in our world...I think
Human protagonist is as of yet featureless
Suddenly, Sunny Town. Not quite a bad thing, but it could influx and branch out to other creepypastas.
Human mage has potential to become OP.
Is the story set in the olden days, or is there just no mention of technology?
First person = too much telliness (if that's a word.) I'd recommend third person.
I'd say get a pre-reader and editor. I will not give medals until I finish what's left of the story on a later time. Right now, I'm not feeling too good. :/ When I do get back to the review, I will expand on it in this comment rather than adding another one for simplicity's sake.
5509716 Thx. I'll do you later.
The mage will be as any mage in RPG. Hardhitter, but squishy.
5510606 Mkay. (Since I did roughly 8k words, could you do the same for me?) :D
5510622 I'll do it rough, of course.
5510678 Oki. X3
5519953 The voice told me to write this. It's not of my own.