• Member Since 14th Mar, 2014
  • offline last seen March 30th

SoothingCoffee


Coffee. Coffee is life. Coffee is death. Coffee is God. Long live Coffee.

T

Life used to be simple. I would learn magic in the Academy, bond with my familiar, and with my sister. Even when I was unwittingly enlisted into a suicide team, life was still simple. But then, perhaps it was Divine Retribution, perhaps it was for kinslaying, and perhaps it was because I asked Mr. Richard for help.

Whatever the cases were, I am now plunged into a world filled with colorful ponies and other sapient magical beings, and unwittingly forced into a game greater than me. Still, with my trusty familiar, a new ghostly companion, perhaps I would survive all of this with only a few limbs lost. Hopefully.


Editor: (Open for whoever wants to volunteer)

P.S. Character and genre tags may be added in time

P.S.S. For those who don't know, in which you should be ashamed of yourself, Ruby is from Story of the blanks, a flash game. Search it on Master Google if you're curious.

Chapters (14)
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Comments ( 79 )

accidenatally

I'm stealing this in case I need an adverb that means "in a way that causes unexpected childbirth."

Well... the prologue is messed up. Gonna fix it after school

Main thig I dislike is that you keep shifting tenses and you repeted the story . Others then that keep goig! I'm thinking you have some good potential as a writer!

Gonna fixed it after school

Gonna fixed it after school

FIXED

YOUR TENSES

this storys great :D all though i'm confused about the time period is it the past a point in the show or a whole new world (lol) any way keep up the great work ^_^

5006080

Eh, I haven't decided yet. Definitely after Discord got stoned

You have an interesting premise here, and I'll be watching for more. However, I recommend you look for an editor. You might check one of the editing/writing groups on the site.
You have a lot of grammer errors and a number of wrong words and bad phrasing all over the place. I have to stop repeatedly to try and figure out what you are trying to say.

5030036
You might check out Looking for editors or the Proofreaders group.

5030036

Yeah, already got an editor. Just recently

my god soul magic the most op magic there is, but it has a price if i remember, continue please also will we be seeing soul arrow, soul spear, soul mass like in dark souls :rainbowdetermined2:

5035574

Of course it does. What fun would there be if it doesn't?

Truthfully, Psyche is just a trainee in soul magic, considering he's always on the run, no time to actually practice, and he had to improvise.

5037017 true true but you didn't answer my last question and dark souls sorcery gonna be used or no.

5037527

Ehmm.. I don't know. I only played Dark souls 2 as a mage, and it was still in the beginning... perhaps. I'll see.

5039256

Oh, if someone would volunteer as an Editor or a proofreader... I would be happy.

I would like to help.

5062171

Sorry, but it's already occupied.

Comment posted by Erik the Enigma deleted Oct 2nd, 2014

Its like he likes attacking Pinke. At least it not Fluttershy.

And really? You just had to put a Borderlands/Borderlands 2 Psycho/Krieg quote about a meat bicycle in the story.

You'd think Pinkie would learn after he smacked her the first time...:rainbowlaugh:

5398948
Pinkie learning not to party is like telling Pinkie not to smile. Beside, parties are the best cure of all things, for Pinkie that is, which coincidentally also for most ponies.

5397364
There's a few more reference in there, see if you can find 'em.

Keep your tenses straight.

5450531

This story would be perfect if you improve your grammar a little bit. Otherwise, it's great!

5450569 It's hard to be grammatically perfect when there's no one that could point out my mistake. I don't even know which one is the error/mistake

Awesome story dude!

5450611

Ill get back to you in a bit, im on my phone right now, and it'll be easier to do edits on my laptop when i get home.

You need a copy editor badly. You have numerous basic grammatical mistakes such as tense issues and lacking in subject verb agreement. You also use awkward phrasings that a native English speaker wouldn't use. Example: so much is rarely used in reality and usually other phrasings are better.

5455154 I know. I'm still trying to find an editor

5450531 Past, present and future tenses?

5501885
The event itself is the only thing that changes.

He will help the cook: Past tense, event has not yet happened.
He is helping the cook: Present tense, event is happening at this very moment.
He has helped the cook: Future tense, event has already taken place.

I don't know what he was referring to in the story, but here you go :)

5502260 Oh.I thought you were pointing a mistake in there. Thanks, anyway.

Being the little dick I am, I blame it in not having an editor, not because of the lack of my madsy gmrarrs.

5502526 it's okay, I camt spel

5502567 mii 2, su i use numb3res

***Review will be updated as story reading progresses.***

Before I start my review, I'll put an unrelated video here, just because I can.

Okay, to summarize the first two chapters up, a guy walks into a bar with a cat familiar and takes a request from what I can assume is an albino man and goes to the Everfree forest. They explore the forest, encounter some monsters, beat said monsters with magic before getting to this part:

A morbid part of me thought how a Cerberus would mate.

I agree there--how would a Cerberus mate? Anyway, the duo get lost after a while, the world starts a-spinning, and the guy passes out. When he wakes up, he's in Sunny Town. So in the next chapter, the two explore the town and a pony implores them to leave soon after, but not before this tidbit came into play.

“Hey,” I snapped to attention to my familiar, “you okay?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Translation: No, I’m not.

Pff. :rainbowlaugh: So, they still explore the town whilst feeling a faint magical aura and then they leave before running into Ruby.

Name, you know, like John, Black, Shit, Fuckface, Dickface, Fuck-me-please-I-want-your-cock

That last bit got me giggling, and I don't know why. I regret nothing. So the chapter ends with the as-of-yet unnamed human hugging Ruby and having memories of his young, dumb self come unbidden, and he starts with a joke. Sorry this review is short, but I had to summarize most of the chapters. I will now list what I liked and didn't like about it thus far:

Pros
Human has a cat familiar and is already acquainted with magic, and seems to be a survivalist of sorts as well.
Grammar is rather decent
It's paced fairly well
Had a few funnies to offset the dark
Decent characterization so far for Sunny Town inhabitants and Ruby, as well as establishing character for Nero and her master
Human is not a brony, and has no knowledge of Equestria and it's workings. This is very good.

Cons
Walls of text out the wazoo. It kills the eyes, indented paragraphs or not
A few grammatical errors here and there, mainly missing words
Passing out into Equestria, though it was stated the Everfree was in our world...I think
Human protagonist is as of yet featureless
Suddenly, Sunny Town. Not quite a bad thing, but it could influx and branch out to other creepypastas.
Human mage has potential to become OP.
Is the story set in the olden days, or is there just no mention of technology?
First person = too much telliness (if that's a word.) I'd recommend third person.

I'd say get a pre-reader and editor. I will not give medals until I finish what's left of the story on a later time. Right now, I'm not feeling too good. :/ When I do get back to the review, I will expand on it in this comment rather than adding another one for simplicity's sake.

5509716 Thx. I'll do you later.

The mage will be as any mage in RPG. Hardhitter, but squishy.

5510606 Mkay. (Since I did roughly 8k words, could you do the same for me?) :D

5510622 I'll do it rough, of course.

5519953 The voice told me to write this. It's not of my own.

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