You Ate A Pineapple?!

by Moowell

Tavi ate a Pineapple.

"Hey there, Tavi!"

"Good afternoon, Vinyl. Please, come in. I was just about to make some tea."

"Thanks." Octavia allowed Vinyl through the door then walked back toward the kitchen. A few moments later, the clinking of porcelain and the soft thumps of cabinets closing emanated throughout the small apartment.

"Make yourself at home." Octavia place a small pot on the stove and began to boil some water. Then she grabbed several teabags from a box next to the stove.

"Don't mind if I do." Vinyl trotted up to the counter which extended from the wall, sat down on a stool in the front and looked around as Octavia placed the teabags inside the pot. "Hey, your trashcan is full. Want me to take it out for you?"

"I've been meaning to deal with that. Would you be so kind?" Vinyl nodded and moved to take out the bag, but suddenly stopped.

"Wait a second. Is that... Is that a pineapple skin?" She pointed to a brown, pointed shell of a large, recently finished pineapple.

"Is what?" Octavia set the stove's timer, then turned to face Vinyl. She looked down at the object her friend was pointing out. "Oh, that. Yes, I finished it yesterday. I really do need to take the trash out more often."

"You didn't eat it, did you?"

"The skin?"

Vinyl deadpanned. "The pineapple."

"Of course I did. What else would I do with a pineapple?"

"You ate a pineapple."

"Indeed, I ate a pineapple."

"You ate the pineapple!?"

"Is something the matter with this pineapple?"

"Do you even realize what that means!? Ugh... Why did you have to go and eat a pineapple?"

"I don't see why you are so worked up. It's just a pineapple"

"Just a-- You're joking, right?"

"Should I be?"

"When did you start eating it?"

"A few days ago. I saw it in the market and thought to myself, 'Oh look, a pineapple! I haven't had one of these since I was a filly in Manehattan!' So I bought it, and it was delicious. They really should have some in stock more often."

"..."

"Vinyl... Why are you staring at me like that?"

"You're completely oblivious about pineapples, aren't you?"

"Suppose I am. Would you mind telling me what exactly is going on?"

Vinyl lowered her voice. "Listen. This might come as a shock to you, but you're in horrible danger. A mare should never eat a pineapple."

"Oh, don't worry. Pineapples are perfectly healthy for consumption, and this one was in good condition."

"That's what I'm worried about!"

"What?"

"You know that pineapples carry their seeds internally, right?"

"That's the definition of a fruit. Pineapples are fruits, so of course they have internal seeds."

"Well, those seeds aren't just seeds."

"Oh really, Miss Scratch? What are they, then?"

"They're actually seeds, if you catch my drift."

"So a seed is actually a seed. Fascinating."

"You aren't getting it. Pineapple seeds aren't just regular seeds. They're... you know... seed. Like a stallion's seed?"

"Actually, fruit seeds are more like a mare's eggs than a stallion's, um, seed."

"Not pineapple seeds."

"So what you've been trying to say this entire time is I ate the sperm of a plant, not the egg?"

"That's exactly it!" Octavia lifted a hoof to her forehead and threw her head back.

"Oh, if only I had known!" She glanced down at her friend with a crooked smile. "I would have chewed more languidly. Savored the juice a little bit longer. Rolled the succulent flesh around on my tongue just a little bit more. Turned the ordeal into a proper affair. It isn't often I get to taste the sweet flavors of male fruit."

"...Are you messing with me?"

"You're making it easy. Honestly, I don't see what difference it makes. A fruit is a fruit."

Vinyl threw her hooves upward and looked toward the ceiling. "Princess Celestia, is it possible that she really is this dense?"

"Dense, Miss Scratch?"

"Haven't you ever noticed how mares that eat pineapples usually find a mate pretty quick?"

"Actually, I haven't seen anypony eating pineapples... Oh, is that what you're worried about? Don't worry, Vinyl. I'm not going to have sex any time soon."

"It's too late for that."

"Come again...?"

"I don't have to. The pineapple's already done that."

"What in Celestia's name are you talking about?"

"You haven't had any weird urges to drink a lot of water recently have you?"

"I drink a lot of water anyways. Standing on one's hind legs for hours a day is difficult for anypony, so I tend to work up a sweat."

"Then it's too late for you. I'm sorry, but you need to find a mate."

"I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. Perhaps someday, but not yet."

"You don't have much choice. If you don't find a mate now, the birth is going to be, well... painful."

"What birth?"

"Your birth."

"...Are you calling me fat?"

"What? No! Ugh, you aren't making this easy for me, you know."

"And you aren't making any sense."

Vinyl groaned and smacked her forehead with a well placed hoof. "Alright, I'll be blunt. Tavi, you're pregnant."

"You were calling me fat!"

"That's not it at all! In fact, you're one of the most fit mares I've ever seen! You're just one of the most fit mares I've ever seen and pregnant too."

"How can I be pregnant when I haven't been with anypony but myself?"

"And a pineapple."

"Would you please explain exactly what a pineapple has to do with this?"

"Look, when you ate the pineapple, you gave its seeds a free pass to your body."

"Well, it has to be diges--"

"All of your body."

Octavia paused and thought for a long moment. Then she furrowed her brow and peered at Vinyl.

"Are you implying that, by eating the pineapple, I was actually-"

"Yep."

"And that I'm now-"

"Uh-huh."

"..."

"Tavi? You alright?"

"How is that even supposed to work!?"

"Don't ask me about the biology of pineapple/pony shipping!"

"Well, I'm not going to find a mate just because you say I'm somehow impossibly pregnant."

"But you must! If you don't, you'll give birth to a pineapple! Spines and all!" Vinyl flailed her legs in the air.

"Don't be so dramatic. I might spoon a pineapple, but I'm not going to give it something as important as birth. Besides, how would mating fix this?"

"There is only one way to force a pineapple's seed apart from a fertilized egg."

"And that is?"

"Multiple violent and extremely satisfying orgasms."

"Vinyl, That must be the dumbest-"

"The kind only a pony like myself can provide."

"...Really, Miss Scratch?"

"It's true! How do you think Pina Colada got her name? Berry Punch accidentally drank some pineapple seeds one night. She named the filly after her father!"

"I take it back. THAT'S the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Isn't Pina Colada Berry Punch's sister?"

"When she realized what she had done, she found a stallion with a quickness, but it was too late. I don't think I've ever seen her more sober than at that moment."

"Then it's no wonder if she got pregnant. When you start shagging ponies, you're going to starting making ponies. I, however, have not been with anypony, so there's no rea- OH!" Octavia clutched her belly and sat back, her eyes wide.

"What? What happened?"

"I think I felt something poking me inside..."

"Has it progressed that far already!?"

"Oh, the pain!" Octavia wailed. "It's unbearable! Help me before I give birth to a pineapple!"

"Don't worry! I'll get you upstairs and cured in no time!" Vinyl rushed forward to scoop Octavia onto her back, but the gray mare just smirked and put a hoof to Vinyl's forehead. "Tavi?"

"Oh please, Vinyl. I'm messing with you, and you know it. It is not possible to become pregnant by eating a pineapple. And even if it were, you can't force two cells apart with a 'violent and extremely satisfying orgasm.'"

"But--"

"No buts. I realized that this is one of your attempts to take me to bed a while ago."

"...Did it work?" The stove timer rang behind Octavia.

"You know what? You were so creative that I think you deserve a reward." As Octavia turned around to face the stove, Vinyl's mind echoed the word 'Jackpot'. Octavia placed several cubes of ice into two porcelain cups, then poured the boiling tea over the ice. Then she placed the two cups in front of Vinyl.

"There you go: an extra cup of tea! Don't drink it all in one sip."

Vinyl blinked and glanced down at the cups. "Aww..."

Comments

[belakxof]

giggle... I think I'll try that pick up line.
...
...

[heavy weapons brony]

Aww I half expected a pineapple to violently fly out of Octavia and vinyl to be like.
:/ told you so.

[aLazyPanda]

.........chuckle

[Metool Bard]

Wait wait wait. I remember this. You posted this exact story a while ago, didn't you? And then it spawned a whole collection of crazy Octavia/Vinyl Scratch stories. Did you decide to start over or something?

Ah, whatever. It's still a good silly tale, so I guess I'll fave it again.

[Moowell]

5037069
There a few minor updates. However, this one's gonna remain as it should have: a one-shot. No tacking on extra random silliness for the sake of extra random silliness.

[bahatumay]

Spooning a pineapple…
For some reason I find this image hilarious.

[LightRays]

Vary nice and so hilarious and still laughing

[PonySage86]

This story was hilarious, I was smileing almost the whole time. I've been reading chapter fics with drama, development and plot twists for so long that I forgot how much fun one shots can be, so thank you, this was a fun read and I really needed a laugh .

[Shadow_Wolf]

Bwhahah! That was hilarious!!!

[furbyguy]

I liekt eet

[Moowell]

5037425 5037702 5038998 5039040 5039170
Thank you all for reading, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[Iroh Legoman]

[YukoAsho]

And somewhere, Twilight is facehoofing from the sheer stupidity. Bravo.

[Moowell]

5195660
A little facehoofing is good for the soul.

[exsnaggerwes]

This was lovely. I think YOU deserve a second cup of tea

[Moowell]

5246397
Such high praise! Thank you for the compliment *Sips at the extra tea*

[exsnaggerwes]

5246407 Don't think the follow was just for this story lol. A Pony Named 'You' earned it as well.
Which makes my comment sort of a pun.

[Moowell]

5246419
Then you have enjoyed two of my stories, which is an even better compliment than two cups of tea. I'm glad you liked them!

[black0039]

5246397 i think you mean 'This was lovely. I think YOU deserves a second cup of tea ' as an allusion to 'A Pony Named You'

[black0039]

I can't help but read this over and over, hoping that Octavia's answer will change, because to come up with that deserves something similar or of equal value to 'taking her to bed'.........................such as tea

[Chaotic Neutral]

um.

[Moowell]

5287900
Don't worry about it.

[Commissar Derpy Hooves]

Am I the only one who thinks of this as vinyl explains the pineapple problem? http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9Aw4m5sPMQU

[Moowell]

5314191
Of the over 300000 potential viewers for that video, it's possible that there's another who can count themselves among the less than 500 who have read this story. Less probable though is making the connection between them.

You are likely to be unique, sir.

[Commissar Derpy Hooves]

5315088 Danke kamarade!

[Smirkythread]

Well that was absolutely hilarious, good work.

[Moowell]

5699535
I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[NeverEatTheLemonsAlone]

...What is this.

I don't...

But it's glorious.

[Unidentified]

:^)

[Briar]

6264513 its vinyl's attempt at getting dirty with Octavia :D

[NobodieZ]

Nice try Vinyl.

[Poke-A-Dot]

Octavia place a small pot on the stove and began to boil some water.

*placed

[RebelNarrator45]

Yes. Just yes. Absolutely brilliant.