• Member Since 5th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago

CaptainAlbanos


T

James Moore, is one of only five hundred humans on Equis. After a fateful encounter with Trixie lulamoon, he's been roped into redemming the mare's reputation, and getting her life back together. It's a tall order for a twenty year old with a violent streak, and a drinking problem.

WARNING: Mild use of alcohol, and swearing. Sexual themes, and gore. This story contains anthro! Ponies, and humans. If that's not your cup of tea then go read something else. Reformed!Trixie x Human!OC.

Enjoy~

(cover art by Holivi.)

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 37 )

First off, I think this could be a pretty decent fic, however, you are in dire need of an editor. I will be honest, the lack of grammar here is near offensive, but, I think you can get a solid plot out of this if you solve that problem first.

(Re-read your Authors Note, it's got some errors in it.)

Yes understand, Nd thank you for pointing that out, it's hard to keep up on grammar, when using third party writing apps that delete entire paragraphs. Please be sure to point out any particular lines of bad grammar in the future.

Thank you for the help.

4912716 if you need an editor there are entire groups on the site dedicated to editing stories

Hmm, don't think I've ever seen humans with anthro ponies before. I'll have to check this out.

this was good, I think ill fallow this story.

Good Story cant wait till the next chapter I will followed:heart:

Thanks for the feedback. Yes I know about the grammar, and I'm trying to fix it. Unfortunately, a smartphone is not a good writing medium, but it's all I've got.

If that's not your cup of tea then go read something else

As a suggestion, do not put this sort of thing in your description. It turns off a lot of readers who would have otherwise gave it a trying read. It conveys the message that you don't want to hear criticism about your story, and many will not even bother with it.

Not trying to be harsh or anything, just passing along a helpful bit of advice. :twilightsmile:

4914386 I think your right, I wasn't in a very nice mood when I wrote the description. I'll change it in an hour or three.

Thanks!.

4914486 Not a problem, always willing to help others out.

Oh man, now i've been put to shame. This got bad grammar yet the storyline's good to last! I really need some help. Good story though.

GMD

4913343 I'd rather follow it, not fallow it.

4916413 thanks for being the smartass in this comment list

GMD

4919092 Thanks for being the captain obvious in the comments list.

4916413 I don't know why......BUT YOU.......have got........it.

So many spelling errors, and no laptop to fix them with!

DAMNED SMARTPHONE AUTOCORRECT!

Now that I feel better, I am looking to throw in a few random human Oc's as, sorta backround characters. But I suck at coming up with names.

So I need you guys to help me out, and give me a few random names, and professions to help the process along!

Leave a suggesstion, and it might get featured. Thanks for your time!

possible names...
Saddlebag
Water Glimmer
Star Gazer
Lighting Bolt
Glenn

miataturbo.net/attachments/insert-bs-here-4/60352-random-pictures-thread-only-rule-post-here-more-entertain-me-27492074-jpg?dateline=1353468516

Yeah, I too remember the hardships of becoming an acquitted writer.
I have two pieces of advice for you.
One: Never write something, always re-write it until you know for sure it sounds and tastes appealing. Like trying to eat ice cream in a bowl. Sure it'd be nice to simply put three scoops and call it done, but what if you added three scoops of different ice cream? What if you put nuts or granola in it to? Even some whipped cream and sprinkles, with a river of chocolate, flowing down to the melted cream and dark chocolate lake at the bottom of the bowl. With a blood soaked cherry, shimmering up-top the eatable clouds of moist rain sugar.

Second: Time and discipline. I'd say discipline is checked for you, but always give yourself a set time during the day to really focus on the world you have created with your mind. And I know you can show us something rather unremarkable brilliant. You got the stuff kid. I leave you with this.

Oh, and you may use my name if it pleases you. This Guy Balkur, signing off.:pinkiesmile:
(Ps, I'd really, actually, (Blushes a bit.) Liked to be in this story.....But I'd understand if you don't want to.):pinkiesad2:

4921636 I'm gonna thank you for this amazing peice of advice, and I'm gonna do it by making you a peice of this story. You're the first person here to actually give me advice instead of just point out W
What I'm doing wrong.

And you have great taste in music!

Welcome aboard, this fic don't stop til everyone drops!

Or I get arrested, then that shit stops right there!

Human OC's? Well, that can be just about anyone.
Derek Heinz, law enforcement; Sabrina Naylor, secretary; Henry Cheng, accountant; Alexis Kimball, reporter; Michael Wolfe, salesman
I just made those up on the spot.

Anyway, I like the concept enough to start following this. It seems pretty cute, and I love Trixie. It just needs some polish. If you want a proofreader, I'm up for the job. :pinkiesmile:

4934567 Hey if your willing to take it, stand by for a PM.

I love the story so far, and even though I'm a recovering grammar Nat'see, the errors aren't detracting from the story enough to bother me.

Also, despite how good the story is, I keep coming back to the cover to look at the art. Dem hips.

noeyeddeer.com/beef/images/well-done.jpg

GET IT? Cause it's WELL DONE....Hhahahahahaha........I need a girlfriend.
Nice introduction mate. Keep up the good work.

Well it was really fucking difficult to follow this.

Unfortunatly this story got very out of hand, I'm currently deciding to discontinue this for the time being, it will jot be removed, but I will not be adding to it. Sorry for the inconvenience.

The addition of advanced magic, guy, and gang violence was unnecessary to a Trixie redemption fix. First few chapters were okay.

Being the gentleman he was, games tossed her a pair of sweats, he had grown out of.

Being the gentleman he was, James tossed her a pair of sweats he had grown out of.

James though about it, he though for a long time. Then a smoke crept onto his face.

James thought about it, he thought for a long time. Then a smile crept onto his face.

Hmm. This 'guy' character seems alot like me...

Why the hell do I think that guy is Aiden Pearce? xD


Even if this is the worst story to me by opinion, which it's not since i didnt read it yet, i still like it for the title. thats one funny ass pun

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