Jumbled's Game

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One night, a note with a set of strange cards complete with a rulebook arrives at Sugarcube corner. In the morning the cards are gone, and Pinkie must hope she is ready to play the game.

Crossover with Yu-Gi-Oh

Cover art done by the very talented Bossboi
Edited by Don't Look At My Name Bro

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 6 )

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skyminer252

skyminer252 #1 · Jul 10th, 2014 · · ·

I was hopeing that crystal dragon would be the trumph card 7 crystal beasts were in the graveyard at one point with if you dident know is they only way you can summon it

Michael Hudson

Michael Hudson #2 · Jul 11th, 2014 · · ·

4674632 GRAAAAH! I HATE RAINBOW DRAGON! Actually, Rainbow Dragon could have just as easily been the trump card because she did get all 7 out and in the graveyard or field. However, I was using my deck, and I despise that that card. Its mainly the lack of defense and the fact that his abilities can kneecap the set for the rest of the match. Besides, Hamon is so cool, and is not one you would think right off the top of your head to be in the deck. I hope you liked the story otherwise though.

skyminer252

skyminer252 #3 · Jul 11th, 2014 · · ·

I totaly agree with you but with the crystal deck it would have made more sense to have the dragon at least in the deck i love that card it was literaly the first card i ever got. But i enjoyd the story also i just realized the iorny of Pinkie dueling with a crystal deck to save Rarity

Hopeless Appraisal

Hopeless Appraisal #4 · Aug 2nd, 2014 · · ·

Here is your review, courtesy of WRITE. Nice to meet you, and let's get started! I happen to be the most recent reviewer to stumble upon WRITE's application and join up, so I hope you find all of the feedback you are looking for as well as ask any questions should you feel to do so.

So, starting off with grammar and mechanics, I will point out what errors stuck out to me:

Jumbled’s brows furrowed

This would work for ‘eyebrows,’ but ‘brow’ indicates the forehead and is singular.

Jumbled smiled as Pinkie’s eyes were downcast as she nodded

Double use of ‘as’ makes this sentence a run-on. This is the only instance of this problem here.

There, you will find an escalator, and that will take you to the top.

Cut commas and the ‘and’

Pinkie stood behind the blue podium for a few moments, seeing that a pony could actually stand at the top comfortably.

Podium or tower? Jumbled referred before to her destination as an escalator. Be consistent in the descriptions so the reader can build correctly on the visuals.

She almost fell as the escalator up to the top started, and felt a few strands of hair get caught before jumping off.

This sounds like Pinkie jumps off the escalator at the beginning of her ride, not at the end. And in what exactly does her hair get caught when she jumps? The sparse description leaves the reader lost.

she saw the rectangles again, and realized they must have been the field they were playing on.

A comma is needed between two independent clauses when joined by a conjunction. You need another pronoun after ‘and’ to justify this comma.
You also use ‘they’ instead of ‘this.’

Jumbled had done his job well, keeping his powers a secret. Unfortunately, Jumbled listened to their third voice as if it were God. That’s why he never used their powers, not because of some master plan or great trick. At least now they were able to have some fun with them, instead of staying cooped up writing.

Italics are used for word influence or for depicting direct thought. You use them correctly later on for Pinkie’s mental communication with Diane. This instance is a continuation of narrator dialogue, so no italics are needed here.

This paragraph is also the cause of some confusion that remains unsettled at the story’s conclusion. There is a third voice mentioned here outside of Jumbled and his alter-ego. So if, in fact, there are three personas within Jumbled, one of which is perceived as a God, then what becomes of that third consciousness, assuming it is sentient enough to be mentioned on par with the other two? As is, this bit raises some problematic questions early on (while the readers are still trying to figure him out) that don’t get answers.

Of all the useless creations my creator has shown me, I must admit that this one is a bit more useful than most.

Is he talking about the T.V. or the green stallion in the cage? Reader attention has just been diverted from Rarity, so we initially assume he is talking about the stallion.

Also, you name off things in this story like iPods and cell phones as if they are commonplace. Why the T.V. needed to be basically explained while these other gadgets merited a common name shows inconsistency in the background.

“Alright, lets go.”

Let’s*
The shortening of ‘let us’ requires an apostrophe.

You have the advantage by choosing first or second

This means that Pinkie has the advantage either way she chooses. Replace ‘by’ with ‘of.’

And yes; it is the same

Incorrect semicolon. Use a comma instead.

Jumbled drew five new cards, checking what Pinkie had lost. Jumbled felt his blood boil as he saw the cards.

Which set of cards is Jumbled reacting to? Connect Jumbled’s reaction to the appropriate cause by switching that comma and period.

but at least I will be able to live up to my name then.

Use a comma before “then.” Indicating decisiveness rather than an appointed time.

Pinkie saw the black and brown spiral back appear as she drew her card.

Use ‘and’ instead of ‘as’ to indicate that the spiral is actually the back of the card. Otherwise, even Yugioh players will wonder where and what that spiral is.

A white bengal tiger appeared, announcing its presence with a great roar. Probably from the large topaz in it’s mane.

Is she referring to the sound the creature made or its appearance? As is, the thought makes no sense.
Also an errant apostrophe in “it’s.” ‘Its’ is the possessive one.

It then put its hand forward as Topaz leaped, and tightly linked bands of electromagnetic energy pulsed off of Celfon, surrounding all of Death’s side of the field.

Separate into two sentences at that first comma.

Death scowled as the light hit one. He picked up the card, and promptly put onto the field.

There was no “light” previously mentioned, nor any previous noun to associate with “one”.

two of its supports becoming legs, while two small spindly arms extended from below the scope

The comma is not needed. If “while” indicated ‘whereas’ then the comma would be needed.

The screwdriver drove into Sapphire, before Sapphire burst into shards,

Using “before” after a comma indicates that the strike had nothing to do with Sapphire’s destruction. Replace “before” with an ‘and.’

“Please Death, I have four Crystal Beasts in the back.

Vocative comma needed before “Death.”

“You’re kidding right?

Comma needed before “right.”

reading the text of the spell card. Destroy all spell and trap cards on the field.

Using quotations, or even a colon, here is more appropriate than using bold.

A majestic eagle flew onto the field, cobalts positioned similarly to where they could be found on Pegasus

Pegasus was never mentioned as a name. I assume you meant ‘a pegasus’, instead of “Pegasus”

“But why Rarity? Wouldn’t Twilight have made a better challenger?”

You need to separate the questions Pinkie is asking here. Starting the second question with an ‘and’ would do it.

Now for the plot:
The concept of this story is sound but rather uncreative: a tormented, self-insert OC with Godly powers plays a forced game with Pinkie Pie over her friend’s lives. Pinkie’s violent alter-ego is also unoriginal, but the interaction between the two darker sides of the characters was enjoyable, if very predictable once revealed.

The most interesting part of the story was the developing interest between Diane and Jumbled’s own alter-ego, Death. But the readers received no acknowledgement of this developing relationship in the end, nor any indications of further interaction between those two characters. A little disappointing in that regard.

Also, acknowledging that the name “Death” is uncreative in the text does not negate it still being uncreative. I only complain about this because the name itself falsely foreshadowed a possible tragedy in the story:

Unfortunately, my creator also has very little actual imagination and simply named me Death. That, or he was just too lazy to come up with a proper name. I was only meant for one purpose, but as you can tell, I’ve branched out.

Next, this story is a crossover:
Depicting a card game in writing that is exciting and engaging will take some work. Take the hint from TV shows like Yugioh that your method for depicting the gameplay must be very formulaic. Every time a card is played, the characters are very over the top and methodical in their descriptions of what exactly is going on. Every card and its effects must be consistently described and presented in your writing for the readers to follow exactly what is going on. You start doing this somewhat consistently part way through, but it is still very hazy at times.

It had large sapphires on the end of its wings, connected to the bone, as well as a blue horn to match. Pinkie glanced down and chose just the cutest little creature in her deck. However, this creature didn’t reach the field. Instead, the alicorn shot a blast back towards Pinkie, and a large ruby appeared in the spell and trap card zone.

Even if the reader does know the game, they can’t be expected to recognize that specific card and know exactly what ability made the crystal appear, or recognize what that creature had to do with it. Reading this kind of thing would be frustrating for even a consistent Yugioh player, much less someone who doesn’t know the game at all. It also makes it harder that you gave no prior mention or description of the spell or trap zones.

Death rolled his eyes. “Pinkie, I told already told you that you need to-” Death felt his magic activate as the torso of Celfon tried going through his skull. “Gah!”
Pinkie looked down at the board, her brows furrowing. “Amethyst had nine-hundred more attack points. What did I miss?” Pinkie flinched as Death slammed his hoof into the board.
“Nothing! Nothing at all! It was my mistake not to use Power Tool’s ability, and I paid for it. That will not happen again. My turn?”

Again, we have no idea what ability he is talking about. We also have no explanations as to why or what caused the Celfon to suddenly appear off the field and try to go “through his skull.”

It’s a shame abundance won’t work with that trap card there.

Abundance? Again, this jargon has no weight with readers who do not know the specific cards already in each hand and deck.

As this is a review on the technical aspects of your writing itself, I cannot assume that all of your readers are intended to be knowledgeable Yugioh players. Even if your descriptions of cards and effects was entirely consistent, there is another, deeper level of gameplay that readers will entirely fail to appreciate:

Pinkie smacked her head. It must have been a synchro summon, but what was the tuner, what was the other material?

“Synchro summon,” “tuner,” and “material” have no meaning to anyone who does not actively play Yugioh. If a reader is not expected to know high level Yugioh, then they can’t be expected to share any of Pinkie’s frustration over what is going on. For such readers, there must be reference to Pinkie’s studies the previous night for them to be involved here.

As far as the structure of your story goes.
The focus is entirely on Pinkie Pie and her struggles, but in the end all of that development is thrown out when she suddenly steps aside for Jumbled to take the ending spotlight and has her memory wiped (what of Rarity?). This is disappointing in that Jumbled has displayed none of the struggle or fight against his alter-ego that Pinkie does throughout the story. Pinkie draws the audience’s sympathy and encouragement in her efforts, only to be tossed aside at the end in favor of the villain at the conclusion.

Jumbled does show regret in the end, but certain details of his state put him in serious question:

"Well, my creator decided I was his negativity, you see. Whenever he gets down or bored with life he starts having some rather nasty thoughts. I am the manifestation of those ideas. Unfortunately, my creator also has very little actual imagination and simply named me Death. That, or he was just too lazy to come up with a proper name. I was only meant for one purpose, but as you can tell, I’ve branched out.

It is clear that Jumbled is the “creator” of his own violent alter-ego and that he had active decision in its purpose and actions. A purpose inherent in it’s name, “Death.” His creation shares his own body and apparently keeps to the general instructions he was given at his creation. Thus, Jumbled willingly relinquishes control (but not the experience) just to do something that he planned himself and wants to do. This leads me to think that there would have been little difference if this story had featured Jumbled himself doing all of these things with the simple excuse of “I’m bored.” At the very least, the call of sympathy for Jumbled in the end is undeserved.

“I remember everything. Death and I aren’t split personalities, at least, not entirely. We are more like two sides of a coin, Death being what happens when I am bored and my self-confidence is crushed. Everything that just happened, was my fault.”

I see Jumbled here as a Dr. Jeckyl makes himself Hyde kind of irresponsible. The only sympathy for him being that he is a slave to his own dark passions, so much so that he creates a guise under which he can experience the dark things he yearns for and believe that he is not himself. Had this story had that deeper focus from the beginning instead of Yugioh, then it would have been quite thought provoking.

I have one last complaint before I finish:

Death looked into the distance, as if reminiscing. “Well, you see, Twilight holds a special place in my heart. A place I haven’t quite given up on, even with her wings. However, best pony has fallen far from grace, and so deserved a little terror. Personally, I hoped she would redeem herself, but you wouldn’t be here if she had succeeded in that. Honestly, this match has been interesting enough that I’m entertaining simply letting her go with what’s left of her shattered mind.”

This monologue about the show does some things that you may not intend. The use of the phrase “best pony” instead of Rarity’s name, as well as mention of twilight’s acquisition of wings so generally, makes this story’s self-insert nature painfully apparent. It pulls the reader out of the story and they visualize the writer sitting hunched over a piece of paper and letting frustration out in writing. Keep the readers inside the story, as has been your style so far. There was also that mention from Death about Jumbled staying inside writing when he’s bored.

Overall, the story was rather predictable and uncreative. The Yugioh depiction was decently done as well as the grammar. It would have been much more interesting had your focus been on the nature of Jumbled’s alter ego itself and the implications behind that, rather than him simply wanting a game of Yugioh on a boring day. There is some good potential in there, but overall it was a typical crossover for this site.

Until next time,
~Hopeless Appraisal, WRITE’s Secluded Romantic Theorist

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