• Member Since 1st Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen Sep 30th, 2019

Wolokai


"The road ahead is not easy, but neither is it impossible to travel. Run, Twilight Sparkle. Run."- Wolokai KuRR

T

For the small town of Ponyville, the eve of Nightmare Night will forever be seen and viewed as a tragedy and murderous event. Pinkie-Pie, the Party Pony of Ponyville, has been accused of murder by a Health Inspector working for a rival chain of bakery and sweet shops in Equestria. Even with a powerful defense, Pinkie-Pie was charged with one count of Murder, but fled Ponyville soon after, her friend Fluttershy honorably taking the fall for her escape and herself being imprisoned for being an Accomplice. Five years later, a Detective Pony, Mr.W.Quill, will learn and discover the mystery of Pinkie Pie's Dark Descent, and the grim, bloody trail that was left in its wake. How the story ends...only through hearing the tale will the Detective discover it. He is willing to unravel the truth behind a plot of sinister evil...and will learn what a Pink Mare had to do, to save herself, and a town under siege

This is the tale of a baker, who had everything...and a colt of Power took her friend away, destroyed her happiness, and accused her of a most atrocious crime...and in her sorrow...a new mare was born. Never Forget...NEVER...Forgive.

Stay Tuned for a sequel!!!

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 129 )

Is this suppose to be a cross with V for Vendetta or Count of Monty Cristo?

Wow, that has to be THE BEST fanfic I have ever read.

Heartbreak, fugitive(Ness), murder, all in the right amounts, all for a reason. :pinkiesad2::pinkiesad2::pinkiesad2:

Fot that reason, I give you all the internets in existance

22722

Actually it's a slight crossover from Sweeny Todd. I've never heard of the others :rainbowderp:

22722
No, wait, I have heard of V for Vendetta, my bad.

BRAVO! Genius, wonderful, emotional...
you sir did an absolutely fantastic job.

23594

Thank you so much, stay tuned for the sequel! :ajsmug:

Excuse me Please, i need to wipe all the Win offa my Screen.

Oh and i need some new Pants and a shower.

This fanfic is so well written, I enjoyed it alot! Thank you for your efforts! :rainbowkiss::pinkiehappy:

Absoloutley astonishing,
No doubt one of The Bast fanfictions i hae ever read,
For Writing this, Thank you
~Swiftie ^-^

31213

At first I was considering basing it off of Amnesia, but elements of that didn't spark up until the second story. I just figured the title would put into prospective Pinkie's dark descent into her world of murder and vengeance. Thanks for your comment though!

Wow...just finished reading this. While reading this fic I was disturbed, scared, mortified, moved, saddened...I can't even go on there's so much.

There were times I nearly threw up and times where I nearly cried. This was such a dark, twisted, beautiful fic. The songs that were 'sang' throughout the fic were amazing and really added to the atmosphere of the story and gave it a nice creepy and ominous feeling.

I had one problem...chapter 8 >o<. I nearly fell out of my chair when I read her sentence. One year? That's it? She killed all those ponies and made them into baked goods and that's all she gets? The fact that her friends are okay with what she did is kind of a put off too. Plus no one seemed to care that she fed ponies to other ponies >o>. I can see the other ponies...uh forgiving her (for lack of a better word) about the murder of Trottington, but she fed ponies to other ponies >o>. I just find that kind of ending...hollow.

This chapter was a beautiful chapter and a very touching ending. I nearly shed a tear when I saw the picture of Pinkie Pie at the end there. I can't wait to get started on the sequels tomorrow :D.

Have a good one.

33909

I'll pm you about your concern :derpytongue2:

cor that was fucking awesome xD

I actually shed a couple tears when pinkie beat the rabbit to death with that rock :raritydespair:
Why would you do thissssss.

:pinkiegasp: IM KILLING THE TWISTED EVISERATING MOTHERFUCKER WHO FRAMED PINKIE!

Me thinks I see a crossover with Amnesia: The Dark Decent. Am I right?

Why is it that I see only positive comments on this? It's that good. Run on sentences are irritating, the paragraphs are either too long or way too short, the spelling and grammar are awful and the story is dull.

Add to that, the title is misleading. It has nothing to do with Amnesia, and the prologue is really badly formatted (line breaks all the time get extremely hard to read and it's hard to tell if it's a new paragraph or a new sentence or if it's simply just badly formatted) and lastly the plot is pretty lacking and has numerous plotholes.

It's not terrible but it's not great like all the comments lead on. Is everyone really so gutless to say that?

36576

Not at all I suppose. True the title COULD be misleading, if you were to interpret it that way. I already fixed the prologue about two or so days ago, suppose I should check it again. Plotholes, perhaps I'll go back one day and fix them, but not until the third is finished. As far as the title's concerned, the only way it could be possibly misleading is the format the title is in. Of course I understand that whenever someone hears "Dark Descent" the obvious image is Amnesia...unfortunately the title's going to stay, but thank you for your comment all around. As for the story and grammar being awful and dull, I'm sorry you feel that way, there's thousands upon thousands of others to read out there, I apologize for wasting your time. Happy trails.

36581 And why couldn't you have said that to me?

36581

I suggest fixing the first one before working on something else. If Microsoft had a bug in Windows which turns the computer off all the time, you wouldn't start drawing new backgrounds, you'd fix the bug first. I'm just saying it is hard to attract people to sequels if the first part has its problems.

36586

True, but this far in? Before I launched the second one or maybe half way through the second one I would have gladly put it on Hiatus and gone back to fix. I will be giving everything a look over...but it'll be when I feel it's right.

36589

I run a successful YouTube show. If something has a lot of problems, I go back and fix them. I'll gladly tell the fanbase to wait a week or two while I make the old stuff good. Do you really want to waste potential viewers due to a lack of time optimisation or due to looking forward only? I go back to old episodes and constantly do stuff to tidy things up so that when I go through reuploading stuff, they attract more viewers. I now have thousands of views and nearly no dislikes.

36595

Noted...hmmm.

Thank you very much. I've said before if I've wasted your time, apologies. I writing can't wait however. I don't really have a reason why but if I could come up with any kind of excuse I'd label it "OCD" or something of that nature. Again, thank you though and sorry for your waste of time.

36604

Hang on where did that comment from Mist go?

36613

Bit of an issue, we two have. Nothing I'm really willing on involving anyone else in.

36617

Oh because I thought it was a solid review. I can't see why it needed to be removed. I thought it was actually less harmful than mine :P

I had posted my review here before, but the author deleted it twice and reported me for being "mean", however I had a discussion with the site admin and he agrees with me that the author is taking constructive criticism the wrong way. As such I am reposting my review of this story:

1. The title is obvious, though you tell me to move on I can't help but mention it needs to be changed as it has nothing to do with Amnesia. Regardless of your reasoning, the fact remains it has nothing to do with Amnesia.

2. The SEQUEL has to do with Amnesia? We go from Sweeny Todd crossover to Amnesia, which was the original intent.

3. The paragraph styles are atrocious. When a new character is talking, it gets its own paragraph, it's absolutely annoying to read these long run-on paragraphs of dialogue where two characters are talking in the same paragraph.

This paragraph is a great example of many flaws in the story:

“I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT MY OFFICIAL FIRST DAY OF OWNING SUGAR CUBE CORNER PARTY!!!” Fluttershy smiled as together they both trotted back towards Sugar Cube Corner. They giggled, told jokes and admired the local flora of Ponyville that had begun to come out and shine since the rain’s end. Pinkie Pie bounced with every step, smiling widely and getting herself psyched for the upcoming party, which was sure to be the most awesome, super-duperest party of all parties EVER!!! The Cakes were retiring from a long, loving life of baking goods and teaching their apprentice, Pinkie Pie, the fundamentals of baking and even some business when it came to financing the store. For their final act of kindness, they entitled the entire business and building of Sugar Cube Corner to their dear pupil, Pinkie Pie. She was of course, so overjoyed that she cracked a smile for days that was even wider than the one she had on when the Sonic Rainboom had been performed near her Rock Farm. But today was the day of the party, and it was going to be GRAND! Upon approaching the shop, the two mares were all smiles, but suddenly they stopped. Standing in front of the shop door was a rather big Colt, hammering a piece of paper into the door. His coat was a dark green color, like the trees of the Everfree Forest, and his mane a lighter brown. His cutie mark was that of a donut over a red cross, and at this Pinkie Pie could only gulp. She knew who this colt was...he had visited the Cakes loads of times before. He was always so rude, asking questions about the business and state of the shop. The colt turned his head, done with his hammering and nearly ran into Fluttershy who squeaked with fright and dove behind Pinkie Pie. He blinked in surprise for a moment and instantly cleared his throat, looking down at Pinkie Pie with a venomous look. His voice was guttural and low as he rumbled to Pinkie

It should read as follows:

“I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT MY OFFICIAL FIRST DAY OF OWNING SUGAR CUBE CORNER PARTY!!!”

Fluttershy smiled as together they both trotted back towards Sugar Cube Corner. They giggled, told jokes and admired the local flora of Ponyville that had begun to come out and shine since the rain’s end. Pinkie Pie bounced with every step, smiling widely and getting herself psyched for the upcoming party, which was sure to be the most awesome, super-duperest party of all parties EVER!!!

The Cakes were retiring from a long, loving life of baking goods and teaching their apprentice, Pinkie Pie, the fundamentals of baking and even some business when it came to financing the store. For their final act of kindness, they entitled the entire business and building of Sugar Cube Corner to their dear pupil, Pinkie Pie. She was of course, so overjoyed that she cracked a smile for days that was even wider than the one she had on when the Sonic Rainboom had been performed near her Rock Farm. But today was the day of the party, and it was going to be GRAND!

Upon approaching the shop, the two mares were all smiles, but suddenly they stopped. Standing in front of the shop door was a rather big Colt, hammering a piece of paper into the door.

His coat was a dark green color, like the trees of the Everfree Forest, and his mane a lighter brown. His cutie mark was that of a donut over a red cross, and at this Pinkie Pie could only gulp.

She knew who this colt was...he had visited the Cakes loads of times before. He was always so rude, asking questions about the business and state of the shop. The colt turned his head, done with his hammering and nearly ran into Fluttershy who squeaked with fright and dove behind Pinkie Pie. He blinked in surprise for a moment and instantly cleared his throat, looking down at Pinkie Pie with a venomous look. His voice was guttural and low as he rumbled to Pinkie

That is only me correcting the giant run on paragraph aspect of it. There are still many other flaws that need fixing, such as the descriptive language is very poor and minimal.

His coat was a dark green color, like the trees of the Everfree Forest, and his mane a lighter brown. His cutie mark was that of a donut over a red cross,

That's a very list-like introduction to a character. "His hair is brown, he was tall, he was wearing this." There's much more creative ways to introduce a character especially a character that's supposed to be a villain or an antagonist. I feel your attempt at foreshadowing with the ketchup bottle could have been substituted with the introduction with the health inspector. Something along the lines of:

The colt's dark green coat reminded one of the deep sea of green trees of the Everfree forest; which matched up well with his sinister demeanor. His dark appearance however was contrasted by the light chestnut mess he would call a mane...

And then lead into his clothing and cutie mark, etc. Something I came up with on the spot and not saying that it's flawless, but I feel it's a good example of how you could build the character to be more sinister and evil.

There are many instances where the descriptive language is very weak and unable to capture a scene.

4. Plot holes. The health inspector works for a rival bakery, that's not possible as it's a conflict of interest. That's like Walmart hiring their OWN health inspector to check their stores, he'd always pass them. It's even more asinine because they are sending him to check on their COMPETITORS TOO? That's ridiculously illegal and unfair.

Plus they plant a dead body in her basement to frame her for murder to eliminate he from business? Don't you think that's a little fucking extreme? Why is Walmart so afraid of an average Joe shop that they would go through such extremes? The whole premise for the major conflict is just broken and filled with plot holes.

5. A lot of what's happening feels very rushed. They open a bakery and LOW AND BEHOLD A DEAD BODY IN THE BASEMENT! Sure enough the health inspector just happens to be walking by at that exact moment? There is little effort to make him clever or sinister. We know right from the get-go that he did it and how he did it, and why he did it. There's no room to develop.

Pinkie quickly assumes that the only plausible solution is to run away from the guards and make herself look more guilty, not exactly the most sound plan. Plus her dialogue during that scene feels really awkward.

I can go on, but those are some things to start with.

It's not a 100% DREADFUL story, and the premise is decent, but it needs some major revision before I'd say it's "good."

god, I feel like actually making this into a damn play or something.

This is fucking great.:rainbowkiss:

my my my this is truly intrigueing i must keep reading

wow i thought that because of the tile it would be a fan fic of amnesiah the dark decent but no this is totally different and i like it :pinkiecrazy:

damn you trtingham.....i sware as a knight that if you harm fluttershy i will make you suffer! something far worse than death it self!

damn for some reason i want her to kill trotingham but if she dose it will be a short vidtory *evil grin* no no no she should capture him but should torture him tie him up and once a day stab him till he bleeds to death!

Fucking creepy as hell man...jesus.

Ha stoopid rabbut!
Sheesh at he ketchup and knife, bloody creepy...ye

Comment posted by Eyup nope why because deleted Mar 31st, 2014

Where did I leave that shotgun of mines....:pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

lol i was just reading a shipfic... and this is really a change of style...

It should have been the Sun instead of the moon, you know, to make things different.
:trollestia:

Well...
I guess someone got the short end of the frosting...:pinkiecrazy:
YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAaaaahhhh:flutterrage:

This is great!
At the last part I was like,
TO THE MOOOOOOOOOOoooon:trollestia:

>>Mist

I feel that your review was completely that of your own opinion, as i greatly enjoyed the story, however odd because of the my little pony-ness. I was aware of the errors, but they didnt hinder my reading in any way, and i was overall happy with what was here. I would rate this story ten out of ten, and id very well like to see you (meaning mist) write a better story than this. Great job Wolokai, i will enjoy the sequels.
Happy writing!

P.s. i had a longer, more detailed comment, but my IPod closed my internet for some reason. As a result, the comment was deleted and i forgot most of it. :/

wtf i read alot of strange pinkamenia stories including cupcakes but i can already see that this will be good

wtf i read alot of strange pinkamenia stories including cupcakes but i can already see that this will be good

38409
:rainbowhuh: now that you mechon it i kind of agree...
still a geart story i i am in no pasishon to guge!
also SPORALOR ALERT:
the seqwoles suck thay are terabole compered to the first one!:flutterrage:
once agen tought i can't guge...
I CAN'T SPELL

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