Pinkamena: The Dark Descent

by Wolokai

(Second Fic, for those Tracking!)

Hello all!!! I noticed a lot of you were tracking this finished tale of blood, tragedy, and sadness. Well if you want more I've got more for you!!! I'm currently working on a sequel to this fic that's already FOUR chapters in!!! Pinknesia: The Darker Descent will have at least one chapter a day, maybe two, so make sure you find it and track it as well! I think you can find it somewhere on my profile, if you need directions or a link let me know!

Thank you all for your support, and get ready to descend deeper into the darkness!!!

-Wolokai KuRR

Comments

[Sweetie_Belle_Derelle]

ME GUSTA! /)'3'(\

Can't wait to start!

[Wolokai]

31213

At first I was considering basing it off of Amnesia, but elements of that didn't spark up until the second story. I just figured the title would put into prospective Pinkie's dark descent into her world of murder and vengeance. Thanks for your comment though!

[Wolokai]

33909

I'll pm you about your concern

[Wolokai]

34600

No mercy!

[DragonxFlutter]

Me thinks I see a crossover with Amnesia: The Dark Decent. Am I right?

[Wolokai]

35292

That's really the next one

Why is it that I see only positive comments on this? It's that good. Run on sentences are irritating, the paragraphs are either too long or way too short, the spelling and grammar are awful and the story is dull.

Add to that, the title is misleading. It has nothing to do with Amnesia, and the prologue is really badly formatted (line breaks all the time get extremely hard to read and it's hard to tell if it's a new paragraph or a new sentence or if it's simply just badly formatted) and lastly the plot is pretty lacking and has numerous plotholes.

It's not terrible but it's not great like all the comments lead on. Is everyone really so gutless to say that?

[Wolokai]

36576

Not at all I suppose. True the title COULD be misleading, if you were to interpret it that way. I already fixed the prologue about two or so days ago, suppose I should check it again. Plotholes, perhaps I'll go back one day and fix them, but not until the third is finished. As far as the title's concerned, the only way it could be possibly misleading is the format the title is in. Of course I understand that whenever someone hears "Dark Descent" the obvious image is Amnesia...unfortunately the title's going to stay, but thank you for your comment all around. As for the story and grammar being awful and dull, I'm sorry you feel that way, there's thousands upon thousands of others to read out there, I apologize for wasting your time. Happy trails.

[Mist]

36581 And why couldn't you have said that to me?

[DrakenOfDarkness]

36581

I suggest fixing the first one before working on something else. If Microsoft had a bug in Windows which turns the computer off all the time, you wouldn't start drawing new backgrounds, you'd fix the bug first. I'm just saying it is hard to attract people to sequels if the first part has its problems.

[Wolokai]

36586

True, but this far in? Before I launched the second one or maybe half way through the second one I would have gladly put it on Hiatus and gone back to fix. I will be giving everything a look over...but it'll be when I feel it's right.

[DrakenOfDarkness]

36589

I run a successful YouTube show. If something has a lot of problems, I go back and fix them. I'll gladly tell the fanbase to wait a week or two while I make the old stuff good. Do you really want to waste potential viewers due to a lack of time optimisation or due to looking forward only? I go back to old episodes and constantly do stuff to tidy things up so that when I go through reuploading stuff, they attract more viewers. I now have thousands of views and nearly no dislikes.

[Wolokai]

36595

Noted...hmmm.

Thank you very much. I've said before if I've wasted your time, apologies. I writing can't wait however. I don't really have a reason why but if I could come up with any kind of excuse I'd label it "OCD" or something of that nature. Again, thank you though and sorry for your waste of time.

[DrakenOfDarkness]

36604

Hang on where did that comment from Mist go?

[Wolokai]

36613

Bit of an issue, we two have. Nothing I'm really willing on involving anyone else in.

[DrakenOfDarkness]

36617

Oh because I thought it was a solid review. I can't see why it needed to be removed. I thought it was actually less harmful than mine :P

[Mist]

I had posted my review here before, but the author deleted it twice and reported me for being "mean", however I had a discussion with the site admin and he agrees with me that the author is taking constructive criticism the wrong way. As such I am reposting my review of this story:

1. The title is obvious, though you tell me to move on I can't help but mention it needs to be changed as it has nothing to do with Amnesia. Regardless of your reasoning, the fact remains it has nothing to do with Amnesia.

2. The SEQUEL has to do with Amnesia? We go from Sweeny Todd crossover to Amnesia, which was the original intent.

3. The paragraph styles are atrocious. When a new character is talking, it gets its own paragraph, it's absolutely annoying to read these long run-on paragraphs of dialogue where two characters are talking in the same paragraph.

This paragraph is a great example of many flaws in the story:

“I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT MY OFFICIAL FIRST DAY OF OWNING SUGAR CUBE CORNER PARTY!!!” Fluttershy smiled as together they both trotted back towards Sugar Cube Corner. They giggled, told jokes and admired the local flora of Ponyville that had begun to come out and shine since the rain’s end. Pinkie Pie bounced with every step, smiling widely and getting herself psyched for the upcoming party, which was sure to be the most awesome, super-duperest party of all parties EVER!!! The Cakes were retiring from a long, loving life of baking goods and teaching their apprentice, Pinkie Pie, the fundamentals of baking and even some business when it came to financing the store. For their final act of kindness, they entitled the entire business and building of Sugar Cube Corner to their dear pupil, Pinkie Pie. She was of course, so overjoyed that she cracked a smile for days that was even wider than the one she had on when the Sonic Rainboom had been performed near her Rock Farm. But today was the day of the party, and it was going to be GRAND! Upon approaching the shop, the two mares were all smiles, but suddenly they stopped. Standing in front of the shop door was a rather big Colt, hammering a piece of paper into the door. His coat was a dark green color, like the trees of the Everfree Forest, and his mane a lighter brown. His cutie mark was that of a donut over a red cross, and at this Pinkie Pie could only gulp. She knew who this colt was...he had visited the Cakes loads of times before. He was always so rude, asking questions about the business and state of the shop. The colt turned his head, done with his hammering and nearly ran into Fluttershy who squeaked with fright and dove behind Pinkie Pie. He blinked in surprise for a moment and instantly cleared his throat, looking down at Pinkie Pie with a venomous look. His voice was guttural and low as he rumbled to Pinkie

It should read as follows:

“I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT MY OFFICIAL FIRST DAY OF OWNING SUGAR CUBE CORNER PARTY!!!”

Fluttershy smiled as together they both trotted back towards Sugar Cube Corner. They giggled, told jokes and admired the local flora of Ponyville that had begun to come out and shine since the rain’s end. Pinkie Pie bounced with every step, smiling widely and getting herself psyched for the upcoming party, which was sure to be the most awesome, super-duperest party of all parties EVER!!!

The Cakes were retiring from a long, loving life of baking goods and teaching their apprentice, Pinkie Pie, the fundamentals of baking and even some business when it came to financing the store. For their final act of kindness, they entitled the entire business and building of Sugar Cube Corner to their dear pupil, Pinkie Pie. She was of course, so overjoyed that she cracked a smile for days that was even wider than the one she had on when the Sonic Rainboom had been performed near her Rock Farm. But today was the day of the party, and it was going to be GRAND!

Upon approaching the shop, the two mares were all smiles, but suddenly they stopped. Standing in front of the shop door was a rather big Colt, hammering a piece of paper into the door.

His coat was a dark green color, like the trees of the Everfree Forest, and his mane a lighter brown. His cutie mark was that of a donut over a red cross, and at this Pinkie Pie could only gulp.

She knew who this colt was...he had visited the Cakes loads of times before. He was always so rude, asking questions about the business and state of the shop. The colt turned his head, done with his hammering and nearly ran into Fluttershy who squeaked with fright and dove behind Pinkie Pie. He blinked in surprise for a moment and instantly cleared his throat, looking down at Pinkie Pie with a venomous look. His voice was guttural and low as he rumbled to Pinkie

That is only me correcting the giant run on paragraph aspect of it. There are still many other flaws that need fixing, such as the descriptive language is very poor and minimal.

His coat was a dark green color, like the trees of the Everfree Forest, and his mane a lighter brown. His cutie mark was that of a donut over a red cross,

That's a very list-like introduction to a character. "His hair is brown, he was tall, he was wearing this." There's much more creative ways to introduce a character especially a character that's supposed to be a villain or an antagonist. I feel your attempt at foreshadowing with the ketchup bottle could have been substituted with the introduction with the health inspector. Something along the lines of:

The colt's dark green coat reminded one of the deep sea of green trees of the Everfree forest; which matched up well with his sinister demeanor. His dark appearance however was contrasted by the light chestnut mess he would call a mane...

And then lead into his clothing and cutie mark, etc. Something I came up with on the spot and not saying that it's flawless, but I feel it's a good example of how you could build the character to be more sinister and evil.

There are many instances where the descriptive language is very weak and unable to capture a scene.

4. Plot holes. The health inspector works for a rival bakery, that's not possible as it's a conflict of interest. That's like Walmart hiring their OWN health inspector to check their stores, he'd always pass them. It's even more asinine because they are sending him to check on their COMPETITORS TOO? That's ridiculously illegal and unfair.

Plus they plant a dead body in her basement to frame her for murder to eliminate he from business? Don't you think that's a little fucking extreme? Why is Walmart so afraid of an average Joe shop that they would go through such extremes? The whole premise for the major conflict is just broken and filled with plot holes.

5. A lot of what's happening feels very rushed. They open a bakery and LOW AND BEHOLD A DEAD BODY IN THE BASEMENT! Sure enough the health inspector just happens to be walking by at that exact moment? There is little effort to make him clever or sinister. We know right from the get-go that he did it and how he did it, and why he did it. There's no room to develop.

Pinkie quickly assumes that the only plausible solution is to run away from the guards and make herself look more guilty, not exactly the most sound plan. Plus her dialogue during that scene feels really awkward.

I can go on, but those are some things to start with.

It's not a 100% DREADFUL story, and the premise is decent, but it needs some major revision before I'd say it's "good."

[Wolfy Hige]

coolaggregator.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/sweeney_todd_poster_the_knife.jpg
Familiar?

>>Mist

I feel that your review was completely that of your own opinion, as i greatly enjoyed the story, however odd because of the my little pony-ness. I was aware of the errors, but they didnt hinder my reading in any way, and i was overall happy with what was here. I would rate this story ten out of ten, and id very well like to see you (meaning mist) write a better story than this. Great job Wolokai, i will enjoy the sequels.
Happy writing!

P.s. i had a longer, more detailed comment, but my IPod closed my internet for some reason. As a result, the comment was deleted and i forgot most of it. :/

[zombie-kitty]

38409
now that you mechon it i kind of agree...
still a geart story i i am in no pasishon to guge!
also SPORALOR ALERT:
the seqwoles suck thay are terabole compered to the first one!
once agen tought i can't guge...
I CAN'T SPELL

[SquareZack]

Ok this wonderful series (i read all 3) has deserved the choice of what perspective I will be commenting in.
Will you...
Want the praise of a fellow brony (me)
Want the criticism and praise of a critic (me)
Or do you want the praise, criticism, and offer to help with future fics by an acclaimed author? (me)

[Cobra 1]

Never heard of Sweeny Tod.

[Puppeteer]

38409> I understand what you mean, but comparing the pony world to the human world isn't really fair. The pony world is much less prone to corruption, and is therefor much more vulnerable in that regard. Plus, you contradicted yourself in your comment. First you mentioned how ''obvious'' it was that Trottingham had framed them, and then you went on to say that it was too convenient that the health inspector just ''happened'' to show up when the body was found, when In reality he was planning that. I really don't agree with you, and although there are flaws, you are being FAR too critical of them.

[Mist]

821334 There is a certain thing called "believable" and even if it takes place in a fictional universe you have to make it believable to the reader. And When I said it was "obvious" then said it was too "convenient" I was mocking how obvious it is. I don't feel I'm being too critical of the flaws considering 1. The author has yet to correct them. 2. They make the story VERY unbelievable.

Trust me, you do NOT want to argue about taking something too far to me right now. I can tell you a whole story about this story that would blow your mind.

[Puppeteer]

821869 Again, what I was saying was not that anything is acceptable in a story set in an alternate universe. (Which it isn't) I am simply trying to say that under the specific surcumstances that the alternate universe put the characters in the story, it is more believable than it would be in reality. (AKA Magical pony bakeries do not = Wallmart) Also, I do agree with you on several key points about the fanfic itself, (Mainly the bad paragraphs) and it did seem slightly rushed at times, but regardless of that, your reveiw was extremely one sided. The author did a very interesting, and well thought out take on an old concept. The best part about it, was that it stayed true to the original characters, instead of inventing ne personalities to fit the setting. I'm sorry if I offended you, but my point is you are focusing only on the flaws of the fanfic. It did have flaws, but no wrighter is perfect, and all in all I think it was an excellent story.

[Mist]

821924 Perhaps you didn't read this part "It's not a 100% DREADFUL story, and the premise is decent, but it needs some major revision before I'd say it's "good." "

I said that.

Secondly many of the characters felt horribly out of character, and you are clearly not getting the fact that I am speaking in ANALOGIES. I am not saying that the bakery IS Walmart, I am saying they are LIKE Walmart. They are a HUGE chain of bakeries while Pinkie is just one little local shop. It doesn't make sense for them to want to run her out of business so badly that they would resort to murder to do it. They have the money to do it with prices and advertising. THAT is VERY unbelievable. You can not convince me that what they did was a good idea in their heads, let alone "necessary."

Also I point out flaws because it HELPS the writer IMPROVE their story. My review was FAR from going too far or FAR from being too harsh. I'll tell you what too far is: what the author did in RESPONSE to my review.

[Puppeteer]

821956 First off I DID read your reveiw very carefully, and did notice that last part. The problem is that it was VERY brief, and didn't give any reasoning behind it. Secondly, as suprising as this may be to you, you are not the only being in existence who understands how to use analogies. (Shocker right?) By ''Magical pony bakeries do not = Wallmart'', I was not implying that you meant that they were one and the same thing. What I was saying was that they are two VERY different things, and it is unfair to give such a direct comparison between them, and use it to back up an argument. (Again, a very one sided one at that!) Thirdly, I do agree with you that the drastic measures taken by the bakeries was WAY too drastic, but that doesn't change any of the other points. Constructive critisism is a good thing. You're right there. The problem is that you didn't deliver it in the manner of being ''constructive''. You just delivered it in the most insulting way possible. And lastly, ''My review was FAR from going too far or FAR from being too harsh.''. ... Realy?...Well this part will be short. YES IT WAS...wow... To close off, your reveiw DID touch down on a couple of key concepts, but it wasn't BALANCED. (Try to understand that word mist.) A good reveiw considers ALL aspects of the story and adresses them. anywho, I need to go to dinner. BRB.

[Mist]

822012 Right, before you go any further. You may notice that it says in my review that the author DELETED my original review. Well guess what, my original review was FAAAR more lenient. It was FAAAAR less critical. The author DELETED it, and reported ME for it. The admins of the site ruled in MY favor that my review was not "harsh" or "attacking" but was in fact in their EXACT WORDS "constructive criticism" and that I had the right to post it. So I put up this new review in response.

[Puppeteer]

I am happy to say that this ''little'' dispute has been solved through private messaging. We're cool now

[RBronyReader446]

what? no link.

[G-AB Acid]

This story is an unnecessary convoluted and unbelievable mess.

[The_Legion]

Great story

By the way happy Fimfiction anniversary.