• Member Since 2nd Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen May 11th, 2019


Loves to snuggle! :pinkiehappy:


Twilight and Rainbow Dash walk past Fluttershy one bright summer afternoon, and Fluttershy notices Twilight has her wing around Rainbow Dash. Why is she doing that? Is there something between the two mares that Fluttershy doesn't know about?

Edited By Quick Wit.

This is my first fic, and constructive criticism is appreciated.


Chapters (4)
Comments ( 49 )
Comment posted by Kodeake deleted Jul 4th, 2014
Comment posted by Alamandir deleted Jul 4th, 2014

4631748 4631775
First, Thanks for the feedback.
Second, this is my first fic.
Third, this is an AU story so some of the characters are meant to be OOC.
Fourth, I just wrote this story this morning and I haven't had time to put in Twilight's story.
Fifth, :facehoof: .
Thanks for the feedback.

This is all around... not bad.

Chapters should have been 1000 words at least. Describe what you're trying to explain, don't just say it. For example, when Angel went to get everypony else, yoiligu could have described his feelings, added extra dialogue, throw in some thoughts, etc . And the characters were a bit OOC, I wouldn't have seen Twiliht or Rainbow Dash doing any of those things.

You could have changed the two weeks to two months, thus making it less awkward, and gives Fluttershy more of a reason to be angry, or you could have added another 5 chapters to make a sub plot for the fact that Twilight and Rainbow were going to get married in two weeks.

I could have seen this being a good 10 thousand words at least.

Overall you should rewrite this completely, describing more things, editing some of the plot to make it seem natural, perhaps watch a few episodes to get a real good idea on some of the characters. I'd even be willing to talk to you on it too ^^ And again, not a bad story or idea, just not very well executed. :twilightsheepish::rainbowwild::rainbowderp::pinkiesad2::pinkiegasp::fluttershysad::applejackunsure: Faces?

4631985 :facehoof: I'm sorry ... I have no idea why I am typing like a bum today.... Maybe it's because it's like 100 degrees haha :rainbowlaugh:

:rainbowlaugh: yea it's 105 here so I'm getting annoyed too :rainbowkiss:

Comment posted by Quick Wit -Littlepip- deleted Jul 2nd, 2014
Comment posted by TotallySimpleUsername deleted Jul 2nd, 2014
Comment posted by Quick Wit -Littlepip- deleted Jul 2nd, 2014
Comment posted by TotallySimpleUsername deleted Jul 2nd, 2014

4631930 I'd say that if the AU tag means that the characters are acting different it should be explained WHY somehow, otherwise it simply feels like an easy excuse. Besides, such an explanation generally adds more depth to the world and characters overall. Still though, not bad for a first fic written just in a morning.

Yea, thx I'm rewriting it tomorrow and working on Twi's story right now so it'll be improved my tomorrow mornin' :rainbowkiss: thx for the feedback tho! :pinkiehappy:

You know this is marked as incomplete, right?

Yes, we're working on Twi's story right now so it's not finished.

Okay, so given that this is your first story I'm going to try and give you as much feedback as I can.

First off, the wordcount. Now, I'm not saying spew as many words as possible out onto the page that aren't relevant, but try to expand on everything that's happening. The way the story is now, with no chapter over 500 words, everything comes and goes in a flash. There's no time for readers to get immersed in the story if there's not much of a story to get immersed in.

That being said, there isn't much to the story itself. Fluttershy sees Twi and Dash walking close together, accomplishes nothing at Twi's place, sees them making out later, and then Twi and Dash are getting married. There isn't much to get invested in, and with it being so short it gives the impression that nothing really happened. Everything seems to happen so quickly and without any sense of how it impacts the characters that it feels... empty, for lack of a better word.

As for some of the previous comments that say characters are OOC... I would argue that there isn't much characterization happening here in the first place. I get that the story is focused on Fluttershy (and her character should be expanded on much more than in is), but Twilight and Rainbow are cardboard cutouts. At this point you could replace "Twilight Sparkle" and "Rainbow Dash" with any other character name and it wouldn't change much. The point here is to delve into the characters, make them feel like Twilight and Rainbow and Fluttershy.

Lastly, in regard to your statement on AU characters being OOC, I'm afraid I'll have to disagree. Having an AU is fine, and technically speaking, every fanfic is an alternate universe and characters can change into something different from the show. But, there has to be good reason for that. You can't just plunge them into a fic and have them be different without explanation. And anyways, they're still fundamentally the same characters, so what makes them who they are should still be present in the way the act and speak.

I hope none of this was taken offensively, as it wasn't intended to be. I also see that you're working on rewriting this, so I may have to come back when the revised version is posted. Happy writing :twilightsmile:

Yea, and as said before, We're re-writing it tomorrow and it will be in more detail, and make much more sense when the story that Twi tells is finished and implemented.

Thanks for the feedback!

Was that sarcastic? Or was that actually making sense to you? :applejackunsure:

I like Fluttershy's reaction :rainbowlaugh: But quite honestly I am tired of all these lesbian fics.

As for the story itself, it doesn't flow as well as it could, and there are some typos.

Commendable effort however. keep at it!:moustache:

Thanks! I will try and squish the typo bugs.
:twilightblush: :rainbowkiss:

Comment posted by TotallySimpleUsername deleted Jul 3rd, 2014
Comment posted by HelloitsAntonio deleted Jul 3rd, 2014

:trixieshiftright: So tomorrow? Ok I'll be here... :trixieshiftleft:

Comment posted by Fluffy-Mixer deleted Jul 4th, 2014

4632613 No, it actually made sense as from the final chapter, it looked like you were signing off, and I thought is was finished, but the tag is still incomplete, so I got confused

As said before, I am rewriting it today (July 3rd) and I am trying to make each chapter close to or over 1000 words. :pinkiehappy:

Ok, good :pinkiehappy: I just hate when ponies are sarcastic like that. :flutterrage: so I'm glad that u were telling the truth and that the story is improving! :twilightsmile: :rainbowkiss:

At the end, a lot of it goes into italics and there are a few grammatical/spelling (but they are very minor) mistakes, but otherwise a great improvement!! Loving the story!

Comment posted by cobystones234 deleted Jul 3rd, 2014
Comment posted by cobystones234 deleted Jul 3rd, 2014
Comment posted by Kodeake deleted Jul 3rd, 2014

Thanks! I forgot to put in the end of the italics, for I wrote this in Google Docs. :facehoof: Fixed now. :twilightsmile: I'm thinking I'm going to even that out. :pinkiehappy: :rainbowkiss: I'll try and smoooooooosh this spelling bugs, too. :twilightsheepish:

The only thing I didnt't like was the ending, because it meant the story is over. But seriously now, the ending feels more like a cliffhanger. Is there a sequel in the working, because it just doesn't feel finished.

Yes! There is a sequel in the working, please check my blog for updates on it. :pinkiehappy:

It's good but could use a little more work. It feels a little awkward with transitioning and in dialogue. It's a first try but practice takes time.

Agreed, and I am still trying to even it out a little bit. :trollestia: Thanks! :rainbowkiss:

short but good :yay:

great story :heart::heart:

Thanks! :pinkiehappy: And check my blog posts for updates on the sequel! :scootangel:

I smell a HUGE sequel coming on. Do you?

Uh, if this is a sequel to The Wedding, and The Wedding is a sequel to this, how does this work?
Which one do I read first?
I'm confused...

The Wedding Is a sequel to This. FimFiction is confusing you because The Wedding isn't published yet. :rainbowwild::rainbowlaugh::facehoof:

Well I read it, and its pretty interesting.
Ill stay on board and wait for the sequel. :pinkiehappy:


4633060 If you don't like the lesbo fics than don't read them :unsuresweetie::unsuresweetie:

it was good but everything happened much to fast

Are you writing the sequel still? Because it's been over a year.

don't think so, it's been more than a year now to.

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