On an average afternoon in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle would be reading in her library while Spike closed up shop for the day. The other ponies in town would be heading home from work, or getting ready for dinner. But tonight it was time for a weekly occurrence, Twilight had helped Spike close up early, and they headed out to Sweet Apple Acres to see a pony with a problem.
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Hi to whoever reads this, I am just starting out as a writer and a bit of constructive criticism would not go amiss, also i typed this at 1 in the morning on my iPhone, don't judge me to harshly on volume of content, my thumbs were getting sore. ~coleisfantastic~
for a first story, I am impressed. the only issue I can see is that it looks like a wall of text. this can be remedied by hitting the enter key twice.
along with that there are bits where you are "telling" instead of "showing".
[quote The previously mentioned orchard was home to a little clubhouse, and that clubhouse was currently inhabited by three beings.]
most of the time you got to make the story seem like the reader is in the world you have created. Best way to do that is to add words that appeal to our senses of sight, sound, smell, taste[ if things are being eaten or drank], and touch.
for example imagine we are in a diner in ponyville I will finish this at a later time, something else has been brought to my attention irl
as we enter the diner, we are instantly engulfed in the smells of fresh baked bread, crisp greens, the scent of citreous from oranges and the crisp smell of hay fries. soon we are met by our server pony, a bright and chipper young mare. Over her orange fur and mustard yellow mane, she wore turquois shirt and baseball cap.
good evening gentle colts, my name is Sundrop and I will be your server tonight at the Café.
after we order our meals, we take in the ambiance emitted by the restraint. there were cloud white walls decorated by shelves holding various pictures, signed shirts and small memorabilia that told the town's story without making a single sound.
soon our meals arrive steaming and sizzling. as we eat our steaming hot fajitas filled with greens, we make some small talk while listening to the general chatter and dinking of silverware,And drinking fresh cider after a while we pay our bill and tip the sever well for the good service and exit out the door.
now point out the things that made it really feel like we were there in person.
rating 9/10
Prize tiger 2 tank
s1.goodfon.su/wallpaper/previews-middle/428990.jpg
fear the german might!
this was good, but it feels obscenely incomplete. you cant really call this romance if there isnt any romance to speak of, its just spike ogling scootaloo as a dragon before/during some kind of spell
Thank you for the advice, I was thinking about a second chapter (that's why it seemed incomplete.) I like the continuation you came up with! I am going to go read some of your stuff. Thanks again.
~coleisfantastic~
... What did I read? I mean it needs a bit more coherence, I am pretty confused. Fleshing it out could help. Overall too there are too many questions in my head as to what is going on. What is this weekly spell and what is going on with it? I'd say more but I am to tired to type the spoilers thing. Too late at night...
Do you mind if I add this story to my Scootapike group I am starting
Please make a sequel
I really like this story.
But, I'm curious why Scootaloo is turning into a dragon once a week? Has she always been a dragon? Are they simply suppressing her draconic attributes?
Also, it is clear Scootaloo is trying to hide her transformation. How did Spike and Twilight find out? Did Scootaloo come to the library first thing when the changes started? Does Scootaloo's parents (assuming she has any) know?