• Member Since 18th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 10th, 2014

TheMareinTheMoon


If will is a driving force, what happens to will when you have lost everything?

E

No wings...
No mark...
No family...

Scootaloo feels alone. Every day she watches as the Pegasi fly over her.
Walking on the clouds, soaring through the wind, making their mark on the sky.
Never able to join them.

But is she really alone?
Sometimes, the person you need most...

Is the one who's been in front of you all along.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 27 )

"her face baring" should be "her face bearing". I approve of this story. tracked with a thumbs up.

Hmm, well, I feel the need to comment of this. I honestly am very open to the idea of Spike and Scoot, as he is more in line with his age (well, truth be told ANY of the CMCs are good..I have seen Sweetie and Apple Bloom fics...but admittedly, never a Scoot one).

As I am curious where this story shall go, and in light of the previous story I have read of yours (which I loved...=p) I shall track this =)

That's kinda sweet. Not bad. :raritywink:

Sorry to dissapoint any of you, but this story is kind of done:twilightsheepish:

It was just a sort of... experiment...in shipping as a whole:scootangel:

Really thank you guys, for all the support.

Any comments are more than appreciated:twilightsmile:

Im going to do the biggest comment iv evr done on my ipod. Ok lets do this LEEEEERRRRRROOOOOOOYYYYYY JEEEEEENNNNNNKKKKIIINNNNNSSSS! In all honesty i believe you caught the characters in the right light and exposed their feelings loud and clear. The only problem i have is.... Pause for dramatic effect... Absolutley nothing! Love the story and i am very pleased that this is the outcome of me inspiring you to come out of your comfort zone. Well done!

IMMA GONNA READ THIS FOR YOUTUBE!

365136W00t W00t!:scootangel: can't wait to see it!:pinkiehappy:

365774
Its done. Just need to render it now. I would have liked it better if you had continued it... I really think this could be a really good story had you continued but it seemed just too short. Dont get me wrong It was a great story. Im just saying I would of liked it better if you would have continued it...

Win. I think you have the potential to do shipping! This is a great fic! Instant download to Ibooks!

367987Glad you liked it:twilightsmile: how does one download fimfiction stories to iBooks? I think that would really help me proofread on the go...

370087 (This is how I do it on my IPod Touch) Pick the desired story. To the left of the status (Complete, Incomplete, On Hiatus, Cancelled) there should be a tab to let you download it. Tap it, and it should reveal a note pad and a green swirly thing (of death). The green swirly thing (of death) is the .epub download. This is the way to go. tap the green swirly thing (of death). Now it should reveal a different page showing the title of the story, and the tab "Open in IBooks." Tap that, and you should be good to go!

Tell me if it works. This is what my friend told me.

370576It worked!:pinkiehappy: thanks for the advice:scootangel:

Review: (Spoilers)

A decent start to a good plot, but here (passage below this text) you went from 3rd person into 1st, then back to 3rd. That whole intro was in 3rd (albeit that part) so that might have been a minor typo.

"Scootaloo looked around her for one last time.
Still nopony around. Just me and the trees."

Now i say intro was decent because i was not quite sure what you were trying to accomplish at the start. Here (again below this) you start off with a semi-dark paragraph.

"Scootaloo's mane brushed across her face as she gazed at the blank sky above.
She stood there alone, surrounded by the warm night air for what could have been hours.
But she didn't care."

But as the passage goes on it turns into a motivated speech that attempts to get the readers pumped at her attempt to fly.

Here i suggest that you re-type this sentence.

"It was perfect. flat ground, open space, empty." from that to this "It was perfect flat open space amidst the trees, empty of everything save for a few rocks and branches."

(Second section)
Here you mention that Scootaloo takes another step back but as i re-read the start it never mentions her taking a step back to began with.

"She took another two steps back, before launching herself forward with all her energy."

This sentence could use a little help. As you state, Scootaloo is falling while spike attempts to catch her, which obviously he does but what irks me is that the way you wrote it made it seem as if it was a graceful catch and nothing bad happened. Now believe me i am not nit-picking but i am merely saying that while you had the right idea, it could have been better. Here is your sentence.

"She braced herself for impact once again.

But there was none."
And here is what i think should have been written. (Or something along this line)
"She braced herself for impact once again.

Her skin stung as she was caught by the young dragon. Falling as such a high speed caused them both to fall to the ground knocking the wind out of Spike's lungs, but despite the stinging feeling on her skin she felt fine and knew that this was a lot better than hitting the ground."

(Third section)
Now don't you dare laugh but i have read many (Surprisingly a lot, even to myself) shipping stories and Romance novels and i feel you rushed the last scene a tad bit.

Now, you write about how they both stayed up all night and that they talk to each other about everything and anything. That part is fine but it is not continuous. As shown later in the text the following morning they show no symptoms of sleep deprive and or mental lacking motor skills. But that is not the point i am trying to make, what i am trying to imply is that your scenes are not fully believable (and or realistic). You need more Emotion, describing feelings and the area around them, and a new approach.

Emotion: Now you do a good job at keeping it simple and to the point and not over the top making out tongue action, just a simple cheek kiss. Good. But the way you write it is lousy. You have them talk all night but near the end they (Finally) have an awkward moment when the two accidentally touch one another, then minutes after that (i am assuming) Scootaloo kisses Spike's cheek. Now again good approach, bad execution. You should have had those awkward moment happen throughout the whole night they talked, accidentally brushing up against each other, making the night cold so that they would have to huddle closer, or hell Scootaloo just freaking landed on the dragon why not keep them like that (just laying side-by-side) for the whole night. You need to make the scenes more Romantic. Instead you did an overused cliche Boy saves girl from horrible death. But that is ok because the only reason it is overused is because it works. And i am going to tell you how to make your scene work.

As stated above you need them to have more than just one awkward moment. Just little things like Spike checking out her Scoot's flank or with Scootaloo looking at Spike's sleek scales. And then those awesome moments when they catch the other checking them out. Next have them do something they normally would not do, for instance. Spike is known for not liking girly mushy things, and Scootaloo is the same (Tomboy). Have them huddle close in the night (because its cold or something i don't know i am a reader not a writer) and give the two intimate moments when they both don't know what to do except that they don't want to stop doing it. After a full night of talking and getting close together physically and mentally THEN you give Scootaloo the courage to kiss spike on the cheek. Get it? The secret behind a good shipping is the Romantic moments.

Describing feelings and the area around them: As stated above you need to describe their feelings more. I gave a good example above when they hug (again for some whatever reason you come up with) and they don't know what they are doing but they know they don't want to stop doing it cause it feels safe and peaceful. Also stated above, have them check each other out, give them (and the readers) the actual feeling of attraction to each other be it Physical or Intellectual. Also elaborate on the night more, actually write down a conversation instead of simply putting "and they talked all night about stuff". Now i can understand if you did not have the time or the faintest idea on what to put, but the scene simply cant be Romantic if everything is skipped.

New approach: As stated above, the scene Boy saves girl, girl falls for boy thing is seriously overused. But its ok! Because the only reason it is overused is the fact that no matter how many times i complain about it i still give it a thumbs because it was good. And sadly yours was not up to par (remember this is only how i feel). It was sweet, not Romantic. I am not even sure if you needed the over the top dramatic saving Scootaloo from death scene. You could have easily replaced her from falling to her death into her just simply losing control 4-6 feet in the air and crashes into Spike.

Final conclusion: It was sweet and cute. But could have been better. But now that i think about it (i mean literally right now after i typed all the text above this line) maybe you meant it to be simple and sweet? If so you did an ok job. If you meant it to be Romantic then no, you did a horrible job.

All in all keep trying and go read some shipping and Romance novels.

And as always Bravo and Encore because no matter what i put, its not your fault, besides everyone has to start somewhere. I only hope you get better from here on out.

Short and nicely written (no/few mistakes, if there were mistakes, they were not glaring, would need to go through with a comb). Wouldn't mind seeing a sequel (maybe while both are more adolescent? just an idea), but writers prerogative.

375667:rainbowderp: Yeesh, that bad?
It's alright, I see where you're coming from on nearly all points, in fact, a lot of these things bothered ME while I wrote it!
I REALLY like your suggestions and minor changes, and i will definitely be adding these things into my story when I get around to its editing...
Who knows? Maybe I'll change the whole thing (Keeping the concept in tact though..)
To be honest, this really was an experiment.
I barely ever read shipping stories, and the reason I did this is because I wanted to try something COMPLETELY out of my element...
And I wanted to try my hand at writing something short.
So, I wrote this story based off of a short concept, and I wrote it in one day.
So yeah, I guess it suffers for that. Really, thank you for all the help, and for taking the time to review my story, you've defenitely given me a lot more insight to the world of shipping:scootangel:
As you always say...Bravo and encore.

well done.
quick, to the point, bit of heart string pulling, cuteness, etc.

I liked it. tracked for later to see your other works.

Awe this was cute i really liked it :):pinkiehappy:

Damn good! So this takes place prior to the Cutie Mark Chronicles? (Natch!)

I'd love to see a follow up to this. Keep up the good work.

So THATS where they got the ziplining idea from...

Sweet and short, and while it does have a good amount of small errors, it was enjoyable. Thanks for the story to read!

:twilightsmile:

A delightful little fic. I'm sorry that I didn't discover it sooner.:twilightsmile:

I've said this about several other fics already, but this should be canon.

Gods, this story is really short but cure and honest, I like it!

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