• Published 16th Nov 2011
  • 134,495 Views, 1,476 Comments

Cheerilee's Garden - Unahim



Cheerilee's students push her to the edge of depression, and pay the price in the theater of life.

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Comments ( 790 )

611496

It doesn't follow in the same vein everywhere, but it's not a radical departure either, hope you'll enjoy it ^^

611602

Not sure what to do with this :p

Love, love, LOVE it! Except it made me queasy- good sign- so I had to skim over some of the gore. But overall, it was great. I was squealing and squirming the entire time and I just could NOT stop reading! Can't wait to see more! Even if it's just a regular ol' story ;) You've got talent, my love.

New shit added on?
FUCK YEAH!

Whoa. That was very powerful, hard to stomach, and beautifully tragic. Indeed, it's a worthy sequel. :eeyup:

I read CG as a challenge to myself, and was largely unaffected.
I read this to see the continuation, and it certainly had a much bigger impact. Not in terms of gore. I, by and large, don't get shaken from that. Scarlet Harvest was simply a much better story, on a much larger scale than the original. The ending is simply horrifying (if not completely OOC, but what do I expect from a gore fic, let alone a continuation of Cheerilee's Garden) and brings a lot more closure (while simultaneously far less) than the original story. Good job taking what was a longer, better written, recast Cupcakes and turning it into an interesting story with a good (read: terrible) payoff.
+1 Like

P.S. Obligatory FiMFiction Comment Cliche #83: EMOTICON: :twistnerd:

YAY SHES DEAD REJOICE!!:rainbowkiss:
nice SE and NLR reference there:yay:

Dear god, he's added to it......it's gonna be a queasy night.

EDIT: Just finished it.....and as form of respect for your writing skills and ability to evoke emotion I have to say "Unahim, you F@#$ing monster!" This may be only my reaction, but to have Twilight both be executed and have her commit suicide was an extremely powerful way to end the story. I felt her pain towards the end, and that is a power not to be wielded lightly. I cannot wait to see if, or rather how, Celestia follows through with the rise of the Solar Empire. Once again, well written piece of work.

When I saw Spike chase after Rarity, part of me was hoping he'd be the one to kill Cheerilee. I should have realized "Oh right, it's a gore fic" and that he'd only make things worse.

FUCK YEAH

I absolutely LOVED the first part, so imagine mfw you updated... :pinkiehappy:

And again, I thouroughly enjoyed these updates. I didn't flinch at any point during the gore (dafuq is wrong with me?), but once Twilight's trial started, that's when I actually started to get worried.

Since you ended this with the possible hint of a sequel... I can't wait to see more from you gifted hands :yay:

I was thinking of writing a similar fic of my own, but you've made it extremely difficult, if not nigh impossible, to come up with something that will be able to top this.

Jolly good show, chap :moustache:

Also: are those a reference to Portal and The Dark Knight I spotted?

Encore please?

Holy holy holy holy shit

I just finished reading, and this is seriously one of the very best gore-fics on this site with the addition of these two chapters.

There's so much to say about this, and I don't feel like writing 20 paragraphs, so I'll just leave it the statement that this fic was almost perfect.

612076

Thanks for the praise, loving it despite being queasy is what it's all about ^^

612203

By popular request ^^

613237

We all have fetishes, may as well be interesting ones!

613426

Thanks, I wasn't sure I managed to fill my own shoes at first.

613674
613744

It's possible, although I have some other projects to work on first, and it probably will not be as gory if I do make a sequel. Celestia is too powerful for a sequel in the same vein as these two stories, so it'd have to be a larger story about rulership of the entire kingdom and a conflict with Luna and such.

614153

I do enjoy my lame puns and references ^^

614797

Thanks, that is indeed what I was going for. I had a lot of fun writing this mainly because of how I was looking forward to the end of the fic. After seeing the positive response so far I'm definitely planning to write the sequel eventually, I just got 1-2 fics to write first.(one that's not a gore fic but euh, equally unsavory in the eyes of many(it's a dare), then one thing that's grimdark, but more psychological, perhaps.) But after those, certainly.

614891

Looking forward to the after reading comparison :p

615347

Dat letter.

615412

Concise, but powerful. I like it.

615460

Hey, just try. You may surprise yourself. And: yes. They make my proofreader twitch, so I tend to include them from time to time ^^

615554

In due time!

615819

I'm glad you liked it that much!

The first didn't bother me too much. Then I read the second one.:pinkiesick:


Jesus fucking Christ. My mind is still all numb from imagining all that. It's beautifully written, but Jesus fucking Christ. I mean.... Holy shit. I cant even brain properly.

Fuck Luna and the Sherlock pony. I'd love for them to suffer the collective suffering of a certain famous genocidal campaign. Y'know, that one with the goosestepping? Every victim, all their suffering and pain inflicted on them. Forever. Fuck Luna. Fuck the Sherlock pony. And Fuck Cheerilee most of all. :flutterrage:


And nice way to deliver a vey gruesome gut punch by cutting off Twilight's inner monologue. You demented fuck. :trollestia:

What the fuck was with the ending? It's like we expected a happy ending, but then you just kick us in the balls. Seriously... Seek help.

619227

And here I was thinking the second one would be easier to stomach. Glad(?) I was wrong!

619592

After the first one, many people were upset that Cheerilee lived. I understood them.
When others read those comments, many people felt that killing Cheerilee would ruin part of the gruesomeness and tragedy that was inherent to the story. I agreed with them.

That's when I started saying that if there'd be a sequel where Cheerilee died, I wouldn't make it a story about justice conquering all in the end. They could have Cheerilee, for a price. So you got here a story where Cheerilee dies(supposedly pleasing the first group) but we do not go out on a happy note(pleasing the second). As you can see, there's always a third group(the "get everything exactly as you expect it") that is almost never happy. I'm sure that, had the story ended on a happy note, I'd be getting criticised for that and because of "predictability" now.

At any rate, I'm sure you see how silly your advice of mental counselling is. Plenty of stories out there throw curveballs. Ever seen the movie "The Mist"? Now THAT is a bucked up ending.
Hate on the story, if you must, but personal insults towards me are immature at best, and not really becoming of this community.

619765

Nice synergy with reply #343 you got there.

Great mother of god. That was one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. Even through its repulsiveness and completely unfair ending, I believe it's the only way it could have gone. The way you wrote this was stunning, and while most of the gore and bodily functions were disgusting and were very cringeworthy at times, the emotions displayed by the victims were the parts which I found truly heartwrenching. Everything that could have gone wrong, did, and in such creative ways that I was literally on the edge of my seat seeing what you could come up with next. Scarlet Harvest was superior in my eyes, and was so full of surprises and action that I found I got through both parts faster than CG. This is one of the most original and sickening fics I will ever read on this site (or any others, for that matter), and for that I thank you. I wish I could peer inside your mind for a bit to see what sort of amazing, disturbed thoughts inspired you to create this marvelous monstrosity.

620049

it's not that I hate the story, I just didn't appreciate the fact that the ending was a huge roller coaster. It's like Sad Ending, no wait Happy Ending, but then Sad Ending, OMG Happy Ending.... nope, Sad ending. It kept shifting back and forth.

620729

I'm afraid you'd be disappointed if you could indeed peer into my mind. It's a very on/off sort of mechanic: I come up with this kind of thing when I put my mind to it, but usually I'm quite "normal". Just never accuse me of sanity, or we -will- have words.

621091

We just disagree on the design philosophy then, which is fine. When another sequel comes out(it'll be a while) I may consider giving it some closure. Maybe. Though I can guarantee I'd be mostly motivated by a desire to prevent requests for yet another sequel, than any other consideration, if I chose to go that way ^^

Awesome follow up. The end was a little too much (it didn't make much sense, to me at least)but it sets a premise for a good sequel.

Also I feel bad for spike, although he died peacefully his vagueness screwed twilight

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to read something comforting.

*claps* Bravo....bravo...

Even though I hated to see the Mane 6 die, that was just amazing. I applaud you good sir :moustache::moustache::moustache:

And it had a sad ending.... :raritycry:

The fuck did I just read?


MAKE A FUCKING HAPPY ENDING, MOTHER FUCKER!:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

621684

Well, if it's about the trial: I tried to establish Equestria as a very backwards country in terms of criminal laws and punishment, because of their limited exposure to it. That's why the trial is, ultimately, unfair. If it's about the suicide: I feel Twi explains her "reasons" well enough for herself. It feels as if everypony has lost faith in her, and even if she did manage to convince them, the fact that they even believed she was capable of the things she was accused of means she never enjoyed the level of trust she craves for in the first place.

I'm glad you liked the overall story, though!

623938

The series is somewhat synonymous with "sad" endings by this point ^^

624861

Don't worry, the compliment has been received :pinkiehappy:

625062

Maybe... Maybe next time? :fluttercry:

621284 THERE'S GOING TO BE ANOTHER SEQUEL?? DEAR GOD YES!

But... how? :rainbowhuh:
Most of Cheerilee's class, Cheerilee, the Mane 6 and Spike are all dead. You've killed pretty much every major character in the show already.

625308

It will have a different focus, more of a country-spanning struggle for power rather than the small-scale conflict we got here.

625370 Just remember to leave the sick gore in there :pinkiecrazy:

625260

COME ON! You literally had Twilight say that nothing was impossible for her! Have her bring back everyone Cheerilee killed! Or at least Spike, so he could explain the letter he sent! There were so many ways I expected a happy ending! What was the CRAP I got?:pinkiecrazy:

Sorry. I'm a little irritated that you went so far with this.:facehoof:

625409

We all know what secret services of dictatorial governments are capable of.

625434

Nothing was impossible for her when fuelled with the power of the elements, which she had used up. On top of that, just because you can do something doesn't mean you know how. I'm pretty sure it's not impossible for me to make a traditional chinese curry dish, but I still need to go look up the recipe. Same thing with magical resurrection spells: just because you have the raw power for them, doesn't mean she knows the formula. The chance she'd find 5 new elements synced up with her was, all things considered, negligible. If it was that easy Celestia would have found a way to use the elements herself, instead of having to recruit 6 "normal" ponies.

625449

Okay, that's reasonable. But when I think about it, couldn't Celestia held off on the execution and forced a much larger investigation? Or at least have her sentence changed to life without parole? I mean, she's been ruling Equestria for over a thousand years, and the only equal would have at least considered her choice. The people may have not been happy, if word got out, but screw them, it's her choice.

Actually, scratch that. The original story was full of so many plot holes, what's a few more.

625470

Celestia didn't believe Twilight was innocent either, so no large scale investigation. In my vision of Equestria, she's just as bound by the rules as the king is in my country(Belgium), and so her best shot was an illicit activity. Maybe she could have talked to Luna, but whether or not that would've made a difference is completely up in the air. It's not unreasonable to assume Luna would follow the law(after all, Celestia banished her for 1000 years, why should Twilight be spared when she wasn't? I'm sure Luna'd have been killed if Celestia didn't think it was possible to drive Nightmare Moon out), and if Luna suspected Celestia would intervene, her chances of success would've been much lower.

On top of that, while it isn't explicitly mentioned, Luna is fairly upset that one of her old fortresses(which remind her of a period she doesn't want to remember) has been made the scene of yet another tragedy.

You call them plot holes, I call them a disagreement on how certain fictional characters which haven't gotten enough screen-time to have very pronounced personalities would react in situations that are far outside of the scope of the original show.

625550

Okay, time to implement the MST3K mantra.

"It's just a story, I should really just relax."

625563

Who's MST3K?

625567

Mystery Science Theater 3000.

There's a "story" on this site called Mystery Pinkie Pie Theater 3000 that does the same thing.

I just got ONE question: how long time did it take for you to write this fic? I seriously want to know. (Oh hiya, it's me who recently posted a review on explicit pony archive, Soul Hook ^^)

"she just couldn’t overstate her satisfaction. “Huge success,” she said"
I see what you did there...

also, good story and stuff

625550
Holy snap, you're from Belgium? I'M from Belgium too! You gotta tell me where you live, so I can shake your hand (maybe leech some talent in doing so - there's gotta be some sort of dark arts spell for that) and buy you dinner.

Or some ponies.

626461

I'm not -exactly- sure, but around 5 weeks.

627099

I want that book.

627196

I'm afraid you're going to have a bad time :p

627336

I was in the mood for bad puns and references around that part. See also: "I'm thinking with wedges."

627733

I live in Oostende, but I study in Leuven.

Throughout the whole of this I was chanting for Cheerilee to die, but when Twi got strapped down I was gonna shut the tab because I knew that Cheerilee surviving would just piss me off, but I kept on for some unknown reason and was pleasantly surprised (and ecstatic at the same time :twilightsheepish:) when Twilight came back, but I really couldn't help but feel sorry for Cheerilee when she got thrown about, (part of me wanted them to kiss again and make up :pinkiecrazy: yeah.. I know) and when Cheerilee exploded, I kinda wished Twilight didn't go so overkill and just left it to the courts, but I guess she was probably angry 'bout her friends bein' dead and all :ajsmug: .

But yes, even though it wasn't as happy as I would have liked, it was a wholesome and satisfying ending that really was more that just a Gore fic, which is what I'm really happy about because all though you retain the gore (throwing in there that Twi's head spilled brains everywhere on impact), it still had that emotional sadness due to the actual feelings between Twi and all her friends, whilst not just the bloodied mess of twilight's body.

Also, this has reinforced my theory that Celestia is a troll, she's fucking with twilight

'We can escape, together!' she said,
'We’ll build our own Equestria' she said.

:twilightangry2:
:trollestia:

627895

Tryant Celestia is more what I'm shooting for, but I'll take Trollestia too ^^

628023

Isn't she just?

My god.... I can't even imagine something like that, after all that suffering. agony, and sorrow. To end up the one taking the blame upon your head not only for your friends, but the antagonist that got written off as another innocent victim. Even her mentor and most trusted teacher believed her guilt, only to realize the truth to late...

I'm not what one would call an emotional individual, but jesus christ this sequel made me cringe, gag, and at the very end tears... :raritycry::fluttercry::applecry:
Also I am deathly afraid of swarming insects so the idea that beetles would slowly eat their way out of my body made me vomit.....:pinkiesick:

630022

Thanks a lot! You have pretty good eyes, I had to stare at some of those sentences for a few seconds before I spotted the mistake :twilightsmile:

630149

Sounds like you had fun :p

So I had a comment typed out for this part yesterday (including some errors I spotted), but my laptop decided to say "Fuck you, bro!", so yeah, sorry dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_cry.png

This is easily the best ever fanfiction based on MLP that I've ever read. When it comes to Cupcakes, it's just "Aww, Pinkie is so sweet OMG SHE KILLS PEOPLE". As for this it actually has feeling. Cupcakes didn't affect me at all, as for this I had many feelings.. Hope, laughter, shock, and I nearly got sick at a couple of times. Overall the goriest deaths for me are Silver Spoon's and Diamond Tiara, which was the part that mostly nearly made me sick. In this chapter probably Pinkie's and Rainbow.
When Spike died I cried, and from the courtroom on I cried. Lots.

You should end the story here, but make The Solar Empire one as a completely new story, like a sequel.

I applaud you, good sir or madam, for making such an amazing piece of art that I call my overall favourite and probably best written story I have EVER read, MLP or not.

I have one question that I'm aware isn't in this chapter but anyway,
When the insects or whatever were attacking Fluttershy, couldn't she just flown above them? Even if the ceiling was low down, she could've at least hovered above them, really.

630972

It's okay, you already reported far more of them than most ^^ Also, I finally know the rules for spaces before and after parentheses because of you.

631168

It's been suggested I split my stories in more chapters in the past...

631218

Thanks for the praise! I'm still looking into how I'll do the sequel down the road, and separate story-sequel is definitely one of the options.

And yes, she could have, but there's many events in the actual show where she's unable to fly because of fear, so I reasoned chances were she wouldn't be able to fly during that scene either. I'm pretty sure it's explicitly mentioned.

630800


Unsurprisingly yes :pinkiecrazy:

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