Cheerilee is dead. All of her friends are gone. Now after surviving what killed 14 ponies and witnessing things that would drive a normal pony insane, Twilight Sparkle is being accused of killing the very ponies she was closest to. As she is in her darkest hour with nopony else how can she prove her innocence.
This is a re-imagining of the ending to Scarlet Harvest a sequel to Cheerilee's Garden(both are authored by Unahim ((here)) Which I highly recommend reading before this.
If you find an error leave it in the comments please.(link to DA for OC pony reference here)
Chapters (2)
For your first fic, this was really good! I forgot to read Cheeriliee's Garden first, but I'll read it now!!
Very nice! And Dark... And i hate that picture... I just want to go and hold her. A'right enough. Thumbs up.
Well, this is really good for your first fic! You really made Twi look completely hopeless in the beginning, and i loved it. I thought it was over for her then and there. I saw some barely noticeable grammatical errors, but overall a great enjoyable read. I rate this a 4-4.5/5.
very nice and great Phoenix Wright quote anyway keep it up
762268 Yeah I don't think you realize how hard it was to type "sad Twilight Sparkle" into the google search
and I would really like to know what the errors were
762332 Thank you for the rating
762420 Yeah it was a court thing and i had to find a way to slip it in somehow.
762110 It's a long and depressing read but if you really want the backstory that is the only place to find it
762686 I read some of it but I'm terrible with gore.
After reading the description, I thought it would be a Deadman Wonderland parody or something. Disappointed to see that it wasn't, but it was still pretty interesting.
Wish it was longer, I hoped to see twi run away to look for evidence or something, everything happened too fast
Still, cool story.
762966 Well it says in the description that it is an alternate-ending
762708(hands stomach pills)Here , you might need it more than
I do.
(Takes one pill ) On second thought.....
763024
Yeah, I only read the first paragraph, didn't see the "more" underneath...New leasson! Pay better attention to descriptions ^_^;;
763030 That's okay, I looked it up, wow is the end of Scarlet Harvest so much alike to Deadman Wonderland(except Twilight kills herself at the end of SH)
763029 762708 Sorry if you did read it and were made sick by it. I figured I would make my own pleasant ending to an otherwise horrible(gore-wise) story
This was quite intriguing, I must say, though Luna's instant accusation did feel a little heartless compared to her relationship with Twilight.
763175 Well she was already under the assumption that Twilight had killed all of them because all the evidence was circumstantial and there was no evidence against her not doing it
763046Oh it's quite alright ,you really don't have anything to apologise for.
763046
I watched Deadman Wonderland at some point during the writing, and that's where I got the idea for the "Rarity's Dad" scene, since that felt really, really powerful to me in the anime. That's about it though, the rest just happens to look similar when viewed from a distance ^^
Anyway, I'll keep a running commentary here:
- Heh, I just thought "Well, his writing is rather good." after reading the first paragraph, then I realised that I was the one to write that xD I must thank you, you tricked me into judging my own writing from an outside perspective, something which normally would not have been possible :p That does mean I need to look for the point at which your own writing starts to give meaningful commentary, though...
- “Oh thank you so mu…,” The colt held up a hoof to silence her. -> "Oh thank you so mu..." The colt held up a hoof to silence her.
Reason: His holding up a hoof does not have anything to do with Twi speaking, so you can't combine them like that. It's not forbidden to use a dot at the end of a line of dialogue, you only make it a comma if something like "said" follows it.
- “SILENCE!” Princess Luna boomed. This shall be allowed as Twilight Sparkle was originally allowed somepony to defend her,”
-> you forgot to open the dialogue again, and I'd place a comma before the "as". In fact, you have many places where I'd put extra commas as's and and's and so on, your sentences tend to be a bit run-on ^^ I won't point all instances of this out. (also, for example: “Now this proof you were talking about…” -> "Now, this proof you were talking about..."
- this Pegasus that was defending -> it's a bit of a long description, just use his name. or even just "pegasus", Hooves is an earth pony, Luna is an alicorn, Twi is a unicorn... there's only one pegasus to refer to.
- if she was in his shoes (which in fact she almost was) she would be nervous as all buck. -> were she in his shoes (which she almost was) she would have been nervous as buck.
Reason: Need to keep in mind you're writing in the past tense, about a moment even further in the past here ^^
- school,” That -> the space needs to be before the ". Also, this sentence felt rather strange :p
- you and question -> too many spaces between the you and the and
- there with my friends.” She said failing -> this is the reverse from before, here you need to make it a comma, but didn't: there with my friends," she said failing
Notice: no capital after the comma.
- Prinz said “which -> Prinz said, "which
Always use a comma like this if you're continuing the same sentence.
- senses?”
“So anyway,” Hooves continued,
there needs to be a white line between the two
I stopped judging the spelling at that point, so let me just talk about some story elements. It is, of course, understood that we will disagree on this, seeing as I'm the writer who killed Twilight and you're the one who wrote a story with the express purpose of saving her. However, here's why I don't think Priz would win quite as easily as he did:
- The theatre fires: they only have Twilight's word to go by, which isn't reliable at all. Not to mention the fact that the investigators in the original ending already knew that Cheerilee got out before the flood: several witnesses could confirm that. The idea is that Twilight was forced to save Cheerilee when she showed up, and that she then flattened the theatre when things got a bit "too hot under her heels", now that one of them had made it out already (which meant others may make it out, too.) It's not evidence against Cheerilee that she "let" Twilight do it either, as Cheerilee was suffering from the effects of the smoke at that point... nobody could be sure if she was even fully conscious at that point or not. So no, Priz didn't change anythign there by making Twilight say that; it was already assumed common knowledge :p As to why she didn't do it before anyone else arrived: a fire is much, much harder to link to Twilight (bearing in mind they lack forensic technology) than a floodwave that is obviously controlled by her.
- The "bloody plank": it's all assumptions by Priz, which will not be enough to wipe away Hooves' assumptions, especially since it -is- rather strange that they didn't bring the evidence to the investigators. Twist didn't say anything because of her fear for her parents' reaction if she was wrong, Twilight didn't say anything because she's a perfectionist who doesn't like giving other people half-baked "maybe"'s + she's too curious for her own good, and the temptation to try the techniques found in Hooves' book would have been irresistible to her. It's very hard for Priz to prove any of this, since anything Twilight says is unreliable, and even Twist's parents would likely not be fully aware of their daughter's thought patterns.
- The letter: No comment here, that thing is so vague that you can interpret it any way you wish. It's just something you pull out at the end of the conclusion and say "See, even this can fit into this theory." but not the thing you build the theory around.
- Luna realising Twi is innocent from her crying: She could just as well be crying for her own life and out of fear. I let Celestia understand Twilight at the end of my story because those two have been together for many years, and they understand one another. The situation was likewise different. I don't think Luna knows Twilight well enough to make this call, especially in a situation where she's expected to fake her tears if they don't come naturally, really.
So you, I don't agree with it, but we both knew that would be the case from the start ^^ At the end of the day, this is a self-fulfilment fic for all the people who wished my fic ended a bit better, and it serves that purpose just fine.
Twi refusing to return to Ponyville and sending the element of harmony jewels to the families is a nice touch (if a bit questionable, since those things may still come in handy for the next generation of elements...).
For the last line: "and as the sun would rise in the morning it will shine an Equestria that changed from the actions of a single mare." doesn't work very well, and the last line of your fic -has- to sound epic, so what about:
"and upon the breaking of dawn, the sun will shine down upon a new Equestria, changed by the actions of one mare."?
Oh, and just one more note... I think it's a bit confusing that some parts of this story are literally written by me, since our style of writing is so different. In order to prevent that confusion (and inform people who'll never get through the 60k words of CG+SH :p) perhaps you should add a disclaimer in the description that a small amount of sections include material written by me?
At any rate, as a final judgement: You've got some punctuation rules to read up on, but you're not bad. Not bad at all. I'm proud to be affiliated to this story.
763363
But maybe -I- do... maybe...
762584 how will you add more chapters
763484Hey , what's that suppose to mean ?
"Captain! 14 Ponies are dead!"
"What? Who has done it!"
"Maybe that hooded pony over thing with a bloody knife and creepy smile?"
"Oh no, couldn't be him!"
"Who, then?"
"There, Twilight Sparkle over there, she obviously did it! I mean, despite the fact that she is the Princess's student and trusted above anybody in Equestria, she's obviously the one that did it!"
I know I haven't read it, but I felt this was too good to not be posted
763557
Well, I'm the one who wrote that story, so if anyone should apologise for you being sickened by it, it should probably be me.
763586
Yeah that's... that's not how it went :p
763605Well I have not the courage to read it,and I felt much worse when I go any were near anything related to rocket to
Wow I am such a scardy brony.
insanety,Cupcakes ,Raritys generous plan ,Rainbow Factory ,etc.Well when I know what it is about , or hear about it at least.
763586 Ha .
(,). ('). This. Was . FUCKING. amasing.
\____/. Little sad over the deaths of MT6..... And now I can't use the ' dont die on me or cheerily will kill me.' excuse on BF3 brony servers. damn you
763459 Awesome a word wall, I've always wanted one (really I have). The reason for the large amounts of errors is that during the proofreading stages, my proofreader seemingly fell off the face of the Earth and I could not get a hold of him by any means, so I said to hell with him proofing it and was planing on FimFiction to do exactly what you did and point out the errors so I could fix them. Now onto the discussion and points of your wall, first of all his name is Prinz with an N, next onto the scenario points, my view on the theatre fire was explained in the next lines where if I were the killer that is what I would have done. The plank was the one part I hated writing because I didn't like that part in the original, so I pretty much went along with what really happened and tried to make it sound like it was another point of view. I tried the Luna scene because she was imprisoned on the moon for 1000 years so who else would be able to spot genuine lament than her. The whole idea for the elements to be sent to the families was an on the spot decision that suddenly popped into my head out of nowhere.
763543 I had originally planned 2 different alternate endings, this one and one where the where the other elements came back as force-ghost like spirit thingys and proved Twilights innocence( and I still might do that one eventually), but now after thinking about it and wanting to do a ship fic I considered having Prinz come and try to comfort Twi and then ship off of that or maybe do another story entirely so until I decide it will remain incomplete.
763586 Definitely not how it went
764799
It's a shame that your proofreader dropped out on you but, ultimately, you're the one responsible for the story, not him ^^ On Ponychan they have a few writers boards where you can get feedback on stories and such. It's a bit confusing to try and discover how they work at first (you generally shouldn't make new threads for yourself there) but they give awesome feedback. I brought Cheerilee's Garden there once, and they helped me get rid of a lot of mistakes... well, in the first part of the story, anyway, which they did as a form of kindness, since apparently the story was too extreme for the boards, but the rules weren't clear enough :p
(so if you do take this story there, I wouldn't tell them to read mine first, haha ^^)
Liked.....alot
Now we need an Umineko no Naku Koro ni crossover with Cheerilee’s Garden, (Warning: geek talk coming up, please reply or send me a PM regarding of what I'm going to talk about and is you don't know what I'm talking about then ignore the following)
For example, Erika being called to Equestria to solve the crime that Cheerliee commited, it would be awesome.
764799 Never said I didn't like it.
Seems like everypony goes fucking paranoid when something bad happens.
794241 I never took it as you had something wrong with it I was just stating that that isn't how the accusation and charges were placed on twilight
765457 Oh and the reason I added the "she shuddered at the thought of school" was because Cheerilee was the teacher and as Twilight remembered school, schools must have teachers and then the line comes full circle
894392 I'm not sure if you read the actual ending to Scarlet Harvest. In that ending the trial goes completely in the opposite direction and Twilight is put to death. When I wrote this alternate ending I was trying to prove the evidence was circumstantial (which all of it is). Also would you mind describing "too perfect".
I..... Just... Bucking hell dudo. This had to be the greatest endings. To one of the most brutal grimdarks in the history of fanfictions.
Your writing has gotten better. If I had to point at one repeated mistake: you don't use commas nearly enough, just about everywhere. But I've seen far, far worse. Pay special attention to dialogue.
Also, some misspelling here and there: just open the "edit" window with a spellchecker installed, and go over it once. That should fix it.
Now, about the story itself... Obviously, it is a bit too convenient and easy to me, but then again, my stories are like my babies, and it will always be hard for me to accept changes made to them ^^ But for what it's worth: I think you did well.
Sorry it took me so long to find time to check this out, tell me if you want more help with it. If you want I can even highlight the mistakes I can find in a google doc for you, it wouldn't be too much trouble.
1255256 Sure I would love it, I actually write these on FimFiction then let the community point out mistakes that I missed. Writing has never really been my strong suit so the fact I even attempted to write these is a miracle to myself. Thanks for helping me out with these, I completely understand the hardness of accepting changes to them, and yeah it really is convenient and easy but the Author's note at the pretty much sums up my feelings about this second ending.
I like this new ending
. The original one was just to sad. I felt my stomach churn at the death of Rainbow Dash but It felt a lot worse at twilights brutal demise. So this new bitter sweet endings helped put me at ease. And this new ending made me cry a little at the though of twilights friends being able to only come back once to deliver there message and then finally passing away into the spirt realms forever. So than kyou for giving a more happy and heart touching ending
.
2220062 Thanks, I just felt that the ending in Scarlet Harvest was too lopsided against Twilight and I wanted to see if I could try to make a happier ending to an otherwise gruesome story
I'm glad to see that I'm not the only Phoenix Wright fan that read that story.
ending I've ever seen.
That said, I was actually planning on writing something like this, just because the ending of Scarlet Harvest was just the most...
3356416 It would appear I beat you to the punch then. I didn't write this because I was sad about the ending of Scarlet Harvest I just felt that the entire way that the court situation was handled was Bullshit. Everything was circumstantial and Twilight didn't call anyone out on it(or if she did I can't remember it at this time) and so I decided I write in someone who could call out the BS. The end result is this. The second chapter was another idea I had swimming around in my head about how Twilight could survive. It didn't quite come out he way that I had hoped and I feel it was rushed but it wouldn't leave my head.
Well that puts my mind at ease.
This might not be the best alternate ending ever written, but it's no more contrived than a lot of events in the original
Also, Scarlet Harvest made me want to PUNCH MY IPAD IN FRUSTRATION. Now I have some closure.
Thank you
Okay mAybe this one was better
Quite the different ending. While this happy ending is great, I will admit that I like the Scarlet Harvest ending better because it shows that Equestria, like our world, is not immune from grave injustices and wrongful convictions. Also, one question I would like to know is why is it that male ponies, regardless of age, are referred to as a colt? Colts are young male ponies, once they reach adulthood they are referred to as stallions. Why do the adult females get to be referred to as adults but not the males?
5638874 Not sure brosef. It's been a while since I wrote this so it may have slipped in there somewhere. I guess whenever people thing Stallions they think big strong full size horses. That's the only thing I can come up with. Also thanks for the fav. It means alot that people still read my story even now almost 3 years later.
5643288 Well I do like this ending as well. I will admit it was quite sad to see Twily's life end the way it did and the scary part was when it mentioned Celestia going to bring about a Celestial Empire, given that Luna is my favorite pony (which is probably obvious). At least with your endings, Equestria isn't doomed. I only fave stories that I really like and yours made the cut, congrats on a truly amazing story.
I can't help but when I read this, imagine Sherlock Hooves's voice being very snobbish and dry sounding, like that of the most vile aristocrat who was merely punching a time clock while I think Prinz would have the voice of a concerned man fighting for what he believed in. I'll be honest, I found Hooves to be despicable and dishonest in Scarlet Harvest and subsequently in your stories. I love your endings, especially this one because I feel it puts the snobbish Hooves in his rightful place, in the corner of defeat.
Rank: S
You've unlocked the GOOD ENDING!
7142001 It's nice to know people still read my story/alternate ending even now. Glad you liked it. Yeah the ending in the original felt like the bad end and honestly felt so abrupt that it felt out of place and so much was questionable that I didn't feel there was a solid enough conviction there.