• Member Since 1st Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen Jun 26th, 2017

JourneyCatMLP


T
Source

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon torment the Cutie Mark Crusaders, but things go awry when Sweetie Belle is especially hurt. Scootaloo and Applebloom have to cope with the loss of their unicorn friend because of this. Will Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon learn from their mistake? Or will both possibly end the Crusaders lives forever?

By the way, you may want to reread this if you have read this already, because I fixed the many errors and goofs I made. You guys let me know if theses changes helped. I also removed the "Dark" tag because this story didn't seem that dark.

PS: OMC (oh my Celestia)! This story is super popular compared to all of my other stories! Thank you for reading, commenting, and liking if you did!

Chapters (4)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 73 )

Sad...

But the ghost thing really ruins the setting.

This was adorable, bravo!:fluttercry:

One letter
D
and no not for Dicks
D for depressing as all hell!

Death gibs me da feels :applecry:
Good story, but it has some errors.

Shank you berry much bye bye now:coolphoto:

News is very bed indeed:derpytongue2:

Love it!!!!! Do more!

I'm starting to tear up (SO MANY FEELS!) curse you and you artistic talent in Sad & heartwarming stories!

Short but sweet
:scootangel:

No!!!!! Sweetie died! :fluttershysad::raritydespair::applecry:
I was on the verge of tears when all of a sudden, my mom calls me to unclog the toilet. :pinkiecrazy::pinkiesick:

R.I.P Sweetie Belle; you will be missed. :unsuresweetie:

Comment posted by cottoncandyswirl deleted Mar 5th, 2014

"Celestia dang it! I forgot about the homework! I was so busy with Rainbow Dash rrying to learn how to fly!" she said.
........trying:rainbowhuh:

Comment posted by EndlessHarmony deleted Mar 5th, 2014

Good story,stupid dt and sp!:raritycry::raritydespair:

So as I was reading I was drinking water,ya...almost choked :fluttercry::applecry::unsuresweetie:

(Sniff)...yes,do more sad fics:pinkiesad2::fluttershysad:

One sec, I need to go throw up into a potted fern and then look at pictures of kittens. There's a such thing as a "depressing" threshold, and you god-damn crossed that motherfucker like a finish line.

[youtube=MS91knuzoOA]

Listen to the lyrics, or look them up.

Fucking sad stories. why do people read this shit

like yeah I'm bored today lets go get sad 'cuz everyone loves being sad

:ajbemused: It's WAY too soon for that group hug guys. Also, here's some fitting music for this chapter.

really? they pick on her enough to jump of a cliff and you hug them? wheres the anger? wheres the violence the screaming and yelling you dont just go up and hug your friends bullies/killers

theres the anger but its too little too late

if i was bullied to suicide i wouldnt just forgive them off the bat id set a punishment or something before i did forgive them

Nice way to jump the shark there author :facehoof:

Kay people, I'll fix the scene with the group hug.

(sorry, that's in a different chapter) :twilightsheepish:

4035994 Will do! Prepare your boxes of tissues! :pinkiehappy:

What to say about this story...hmm...it's something. It's definitely something. I can't really say it's great, but it's certainly not bad.

I'll admit, you have an interesting premise a lot of people can relate to, and you have some feelings down pact; but it's really the execution that leaves me wanting more. Everything felt so rushed and distant and the characters almost seemed robotic at times, simply going through the motions. Many were almost entirely pointless and served nothing to the plot. For example, you introduced a new bully for Sweetie and then did nothing to develop her and her history with Sweetie outside of telling us that she was mean. Then she said a mean thing to Sweetie and that was as far as we knew she was as a bully. I know this is such a over used thing to say, but it still rings true. Show. Don't tell.

This story could have been great if it was expanded further. If we could see a little deeper into Sweetie's sorrow. Maybe show us a day or two of Sweetie getting bullied on her own. Detail how she feels and get a bit deeper into it. You're writing a story through a medium of words. Since you don't have visual or audible ways to convey feeling, you have to use your words. Paint a picture, not a doodle.

All in all though, you have a knack for causing feels, but I think it comes more from the premise of your story than the story itself. But with a little work, some care and affection, you could be filling your swimming pool with the tears of your readers. Just something to think about.

"We'll have a funeral tomorrow. How does that sound?" Twilight offered.

You just don't say that when someone dies. A sentence like that would be more befitting of something like this,
"I'll take you to the pool tomorrow. How does that sound?"
You're making it sound like her death is nothing special. Like, it's just some small thing. That's not at all how people react when someone they love dies. You're not capturing this very well.

A bit quick, especially at the end, but not a bad story. Nice job, hope someday you can expand on the scenes a bit more if at least near the end, too many scenes sort of flew by.

Nice job. :twilightsmile:

*slams head on desk* damn feels!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H61hy7irX4M

I dedicate the above song to Sweetie Belle. Rest In Peace little one... *begins crying* :raritycry:

The feels... there over 9000... :fluttercry:

*slams head through desk* why all the feels....

I love the premise and plot, but I wish there was a little more detail... Come to think of it, this is the kind of story I would love to edit.

*Growls as Golden Tears form in my eyes*

Hmm.. I wonder what does raw Bullies taste like?

...........

*keyboard breaks from tear and sadness overload* :fluttercry:

I do not doubt your writing talent, it's great and you can achieve the wonderful results, but if sadfics like this pointless one is what you're going to make... I'd honestly suggest you just ignore that talent of yours...

4104313 This sadifc is not my favorite. Don't worry, I'll write different kinds in the future.

4046181 Sorry for a late reply, but you gave me a good idea for a separate story! :pinkiehappy:

Pretty much, it will show Sweetie Belle and her relationship with Spark Light. :pinkiesmile:

I also noticed a typo "I need some along time..."

I'll just be over here. On my ship. Sailing in my sea of tears.

4046181 Oh, and by the way: when I said that I would write a story about Sweetie Belle and Spark Light, I guess wasn't ready. I need ideas, so for now, no story about that.

"Now everypony hates us," Silver Spoon said.

Really? THAT'S all you can say when somepony dies, Silver Spoon?
You conceited BITCH!! :twilightangry2:

Let this be a lesson to all of you to never bully. This story is a good example of what could happen if you tease someone over and over again. I have to admit the story is sad. So the moral/lesson of this story is to never bully anyone. Even if they do not seem like everyone else or act like everyone else. This also applies to race, gender, and religion. I hope this story can teach kids a lesson about bullying even though it is rated teen. :heart: I hope Rarity never ends up like this :raritycry: ever.

Author's Note:
Please take a moment for our Sweetie Belle. :'(

I also fixed the group hug scene so it was less sappy.

I'll take a moment to rip apart this craptastic fanfiction! Normally, I don't do first impression comments until I read it to the end, but there are some things I need to address.

I wasn't drawn to Sweetie Belle's emotional trip because the story itself is a scribble of mess trying to be artsy. No disrespect to the writer, but if you want to have her act broken, at least go past beyond petty bully antics. Okay, Spark was a nice addition, but she's so ungodly bland and one dimensional. She has no character, no speech pattern to call her own, and no personal flaws. She should be centered as Sweetie's breaking point and given character. You could have done so much with her dialogue. Maybe she stutters, has troubles pronouncing certain vowels or consonants. I don't know!

And oh my God! The pacing! One minute I'm reading Sweetie Belle dialoguing with Apple Bloom in school, and in the next paragraph, she's at Gastly Gorge with her tormentors! WHAT?! You... could have expanded the transition between school and after school time! Have her tell her tormentors she'll perform magic at Gastly Gorge. They'll met with her there! Even the plot was rushed! How did Apple Bloom and Scootaloo know where to find them? Lack of information, JourneyCatMLP

Those are my problems. You should have centered Spark as Sweetie Belle's breaking point, give her personality, and fill in gaps between paragraphs. As an avid reader, I've been picking up on problems like these, trying to offer the wisdom I bear and earn.

The point is, JourneyCatMLP, this story is a scribbled mess of art. I don't expect you to fix them all, but keep this in mind for your future writing?

Give me a reply if these ideas are helpful. Lest you find problems with my critiques, send a private message. I'll talk to you there.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!