I write Fics for MLP, and Pokemon, some crossovers and a little bit of One Piece. Yes, I am a brony. Its better than going almost going crazy with every-day stress. Its relaxin...:3
Twilight finds Trixie, raggedy from travels during Heart's Warming season. Rainbow's Sonic Rainboom had powered up Trixie's Age Manipulation spell one day, and it bounced back. turning her into a teen. With Twilight Caring for her, Will Trixie find friendship or more? Something she's never had before?
Go easy on me, this is my first Pony Fic
The image is from here,
http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/015/7/1/why_trixie_is_hurting____by_archermcgoggles-d4mg98w.png
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Spelled "redemption" wrong in the title, so that's enough for me.
Ch. 1, initial impression:
This looks well-written, like there might actually be something to it. I'm nervous, though, because you don't take time to warm up before taking a running start. You don't do anything to set the scene other than establish that it's close to a holiday. If that turns out to be a recurring thing, I think I'm going to find myself quite confused...
More once I've finished reading the first chapter.
Ch. 1, final impression:
It's... good. Your effort shows, the time spent on the events that you talk about is well-spent. But there are places where it feels like a line here or there is missing, especially to mark the time, like right before the scene where Trixie shows Rena the fireworks, and at the very end of the flashback before Twilight speaks again. And before that, where you have "*Few minutes later...*" You shouldn't do that. Keep it in the narrative. Just say, at minimum, "A few minutes passed." There are two other little issues I'd like to point out...
First, the mention of Stardust and Umbre. It's not strictly necessary for us to know who they are. I can see why you'd like to tell us, to make it feel more complete, but you should find another way of doing so - you've set the precedent with Hermes that parenthetical statements are the characters thinking or talking to themselves, so it sounds like the characters are actually taking the time to note that Stardust is bright and handsome and Umbre is popular.
Second, in the end, Trixie says that the spell backfired on the day of the Best Young Flier competition... why? Why would Trixie even know that, let alone mention it? Is she an avid follower of pegasus sports? It seems like an unnecessary line, existing only to serve as a clue for Twilight about the cause of the problem.
Other than that, good job..
Ch. 2, first impression:
...this is ominous. I count four problems with Twilight's opening lines alone. Both ellipses need to have spaces after them, "harshly" is an adverb and you're not modifying a verb, and you have no punctuation at the end of the sentence. I haven't seen that anywhere else in this story yet. You should look into getting a proofreader. The pacing also feels a bit fast. I'm going to keep reading though.
Ch. 2, final impression:
Good chapter, small problems. More missing punctuation. Twilight's reaction to Trixie calling her "mom" seemed really flippant. I'm not sure how to address Twilight's idea of adopting Trixie. I mean, my first instinct is to say it seems too... easy, but that's not quite right. Twilight, really, should be willing to do something like that. But it seems like the idea is coming from the wrong place; she's not doing it because Trixie is a child again and really needs somepony to look out for her. And even at that, there hasn't been any mention at all of anypony wanting to try to get Trixie back to her normal age...
Ch. 3, first impression:
This is the best start any of the chapters have had so far, relatively clear of mistakes and getting into the events properly...
Ch. 3, final impression:
STOP WITH THE AUTHOR'S NOTES.
And it seems like Twilight's friends have the exact same reaction in every scene.
"I don't like her."
"She's not that bad."
"Okay, I'll give her a chance, but I still don't trust her."
It's especially weird for AJ and RD, They're supposed to be so stubborn, but Twilight sure does seem to be able to get them to back off easily.
374177
T-T thank you for your advice...no, pinkie and fluttershy have different reactions...but those three...your right, I do feel like I over did it. And my grammar is something I really should change...thank you so much for reading it, and I feel completely stupid for spelling redemption wrong...I'm so stupid....
Thank you so much for your help.
374177
T-T thank you for your advice...no, pinkie and fluttershy have different reactions...but those three...your right, I do feel like I over did it. And my grammar is something I really should change...thank you so much for reading it, and I feel completely stupid for spelling redemption wrong...I'm so stupid....
Thank you so much for your help.
Also, the age thing; I'm thinking on a different way to bring that up. But I don't know what I'm going to do about that yet, I kinda want to keep her young...I FEEL SO INEXPERIENCED. *depression*
And I will never do another author note again.
373423
GAAAH IM SORRY
T_T
373929
The best young flier competition is important. You know Rainbow Dash's sonic Rainboom Super-Boosted twi's spell at her test to get into Canterlot? Turned her parents to plants and super-sized Spike? The Sonic Rainboom occurred in that show again, so at the time, she was practicing, and it got super-boosted preternaturally. And I thought the even would be pretty widely known; like how everyone knows what happened in a football game, sports would be known, that's how I would put it. Also, it would make a decen bookmark on memory.
375510
Dude, she's like 13... That's....oh Arceus no...
I'm liking the premise of the story but you really REALLY need to slow it down and use some more description (and try to keep the author comments to a minimum while in the middle of the story.) I would also suggest (if you don't already have one) to get a pre-reader for your story to help with some of the grammar issues. But with those its a interesting story idea and it's been good so far. I can't wait to see where else this goes.
377646
Thanks so much!
I thought this chapter was better,.than the others but yeah our need a few.more details. :D
Seconded. I feel like there is an interesting story idea in here, but it was more like reading a story outline than a story.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Oh well. We understand. 
Damn it
i was trying to remember which of the writers i was following was grounded i forgot it was this awesome one 
416717>>417325
You two, for the short time I am on here,vi will say this. I am feeling an incredible surge of happiness...indescribable by words. Thank you for understanding...thank you guys so much. Maximum emoticon hearts dedicated to you guys. I've actually got spring break, so maybe I'll be able to sneak up a bonus chapter...it'll be shorter than normal, I think it'll be nice..THANK YOU GUYS*hugs*
I hope you aren't a very first time writer, otherwise you would put my first attempts at writing to shame
I agree with Mr. Papercut, it feels a bit rushed. It's good that you acknowledge that, but then again it's not good to do so in an author's note. I had a hard time following some parts because of the odd interjections like "some of you may know, a unicorn’s magic runs oemotions, and feelings" there is nothing wrong with narrating this way, you just have to be more consistent. I would also suggest you use italics for a character's inner thoughts.
It started out really strong, I instantly connected with Trixie, your description of the situation and Twilight's reaction were splendid. It started to fall apart though when you did the first page break. I have found that if you want to change the perspective of your narration to another character, you can start out with the characters name and some quick descriptive opinions that reflect the new perspective. One way I do this is to decide on a mindset, or style, for each character. I try to get in their head and tell it like they see it. Limiting information in some areas, and expounding in others is a simple way to do this. As Mr. Papercut said, Trixie wouldn't necessarily know that the sonic rainboom was because of the Best Young Flyer Competition. She would have described it much like how the other characters did in that episode, not knowing the causes and being affected by the results.
I would like to see Trixie's narrative of her story be more like a first person narrative, like she's telling it to Twilight. With that format, you can slow it down a little maybe add some more verbal or emotional cues and descriptors. The reader will start to care more about her and what happened, he will start to empathize. Your initial description of what Trixie was going through as she walked down the street, was successful in that I could visualize the scene very quickly. Therefore, I took pity on her and when Twilight reflected that same emotion and stood up for Trixie, it made the situation more plausible in my mind. It felt natural that Twilight would help Trixie, despite their less-than-wonderful past encounter. This in turn helps solidify my emotional attachment to the characters which makes me want to read more.
The story is sound and the plot has promise, it just needs a bit more TLC and some more description to flesh it out. This is a great start though.
Heaven forbid my first writings ever see the light of day...
Once again, Mr. Papercut has a sharp eye. The pacing is uber quick, I have a problem with this too. I have been able to counter my tendency for blatant and blunt plot developments with description and dialogue. The dialogue in this chapter was much better, by the way. Trixie's 'mom' slip was absolutely adorable, keep that in there.
I like the concept, it's just delivery we have to sort out now. My first suggestion is to take your time. Take it paragraph by paragraph. What helps me is writing out a skeleton first, usually in a different document, where I quickly write out what needs to happen or pivotal pieces of dialogue. Kind of like spark notes, except more in a narrative format. After I do this for the chapter, I start on each piece of skeleton and build a paragraph around it. This serves two mane purposes; The text stays tight and focused and it smooths the flow between ideas and events.
Watch out for those missing words. A couple times I got the feeling that something, a line or two, got left out or was deleted and the surrounding sentences weren't modified to address the change. The point where Trixie is apologizing to Applejack is the biggest example. You got her mannerisms down pretty good, but it felt like there was more that needed to be said. Maybe having her back down just a little, for Twilight's sake. It was a good exercise for setting the tone for the chapter and the other apologies. I would like to see how things went with Fluttershy though.
In a nutshell, it's okay to take your time. Try to work Twilight up to the idea of taking Trixie in. You could probably address the issue of getting her back to her normal age in this very chapter, over the week she stays with Twilight. Perhaps Twilight can't change her back because of the circumstances in which the spell happened. She tries but fails, and deduces that it was the enormous surge in magic caused by the sonic rainboom. Instead of Trixie casting a normal, illusionary spell, she cast a powerful time altering spell. As we learned from It's About Time those spells are hard to do and often you can't duplicate them. Just an idea.
This may seem like a lot criticism, but I will assure you that if I didn't like it, I wouldn't say anything. I really want to see this taken to its full potential. It's a great idea. Imma read more now...
I'm going to have to swap some stories with Mr. Papercut, he knows what he's on about. Well, I'm doggin' your story again.
Anyway, first things first; flow. This chapter is better, but the author's notes derail it something awful. And there are some awkward descriptors in there, I had to read Applejack's and Rarity's lines and reactions a few times to understand what was was going on. In its present state, the story feels like a manuscript. It's relatively loose and can be changed pretty easily. I think a lot of this can be fixed when you go through it again with more time on your hands. Slowing down will help immensely.
lol Pinkie breaking the fourth wall. Personally, I don't mind when she does this, it just needs to be done with tact. As long as it's completely over the top you'll be successful but here, it's not working for flow. The Pinkie shenanigans that pertain to the story at a later point are always more enjoyable. This is because Pinkie isn't like Discord; there is a method to her madness, where Discord is just bored and want's to rustle up trouble.
A pre-reader will be very advantageous for you. That way you can catch a lot of those pesky typos and grammatical slip ups from the get-go. Keep up the good work!
Dag, all you ponies are beating me to the punch.
I have to say, this was the best chapter so far, concerning mechanics. Pacing was still rushed but better than the first chapter by far.
Also, "Rainbow Dash angrily flew down angrily." this says to me that you are still going too fast. I don't know if I'm weird or something, but when I compose a sentence--I do exactly that. I say it out loud to myself a lot, sometimes at different speeds or different inflections. For the longer sentences, I put them to a meter (beat) and work out what sounds best to my ear. My head is a jumbled mess so most of the time the stuff that falls out doesn't make any sense. I have to feed it back in there through my ears in order for it to reach some level of coherency. Again, this takes time to do. Don't worry about being fast enough, even though good fans will want more faster, they will ultimately be more satisfied with a higher quality product that took a bit longer to make. Even if they don't know it.
454431
SWEET BUCKING APPLES!!
I just NOW realized you wrote The Great Brony Migration!
I'm honored, I'm not gonna lie.
just re-read this why? because i felt like it
Please more. I need this story. All the other trixie seem to be about her being evil or about her past. this story is the best trixie story ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please continue soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
374177
I just remembered to tell you this. I know they are stubborn. But Rarity is a good actress and Applejack promised to give her a chance. She didn't say how patient she had to be with Trixie. (COUGH COUGH FORESHADOWING COUGH COUGH))
:)
I guess I know how you feel. My mom knows I am a brony but my dad would probably not accept this. School also is a bit difficult for me, but don't worry, your writing makes me smile. So yeah. Um. Im not sure if this was inspirational or corny... You dont need to reply jf you dont want to.
love this keep it up man
Thank you so much!!! I love this story and have been waiting so long for it to be continued.THanks you
p.s Love pinkie pies song
Alright Guys, My parents have been somewhat lax this weekend,(meaning the left me at the house alone with internet access) but i am here to say this
1. I am glad i got comments, thank you, NLRsoldier, Grey Warden, and Irateam.
2. Please request how you want me to continue this, I plan on doing this for a LONG time, and i need all the ideas i can get, but be warned, I have a very specific writing style.
3. Long live Charlie the Unicorn. As Long as he doesn't die from Kidney Failure, as he is lacking (YAY MORBID HUMOR!!!)
Ok, Before anyone asks, yes, I intend on making Vinyl and Octavia a large part of this story. I. Will. Make. It. Happen.
Octavia 4ever yeah(obviously, Octavia is my favorite pony. more than trixie and twilight.)
548351 how old are you? I'm 13, with AD/HD, aspergers and have seen a LOT of things on the internet.
548430
i recently turned 15, why?
ps, the interwebz(O-O) a dangerous place
I love this story so much
but how could applejack and rarity be so mean?
If there mean to her in the next chapter I will find a way to equestria and beat the hay out of them
but still great chapter
550183
They were didn't believe Twilight at all. Besides, I needed somepony to be the antagonist :/
550183
<--Boo-hoo for her.
Oh yeah, and Rarity is my least favorite pony. I hate over-dramatic people. sorry rarity fans, if you're looking for Rarity, DON"T LOOK AT ME!!!
Other than a few spelling and grammatical mistakes, these two covered everything I have to say about this chapter. Also, be careful where you place page breaks, as you placed two not only in the middle of a sentence, but in the middle of a word near the end.
Got a few more problems with this chapter. Why is Twilight giving her her own bed when she has a spare? Seems to me that giving Trixie the spare while she sleeps in her own would be a little less awkward. Also, "Thanks Spike." she smiled, threw on a couple blankets, and fell asleep, thinking on what she could to help Trixie. This was really REALLY rushed. No "Goodnight Spike. Goodnight Trixie", no showing her to her bed, no getting ready for bed, nothing. The way it reads, it sounds like Twilight just fell asleep while Spike and Trixie just stood in front of her. Don't be afraid to describe. Set the environment. This whole chapter reads more like an outline for a story than a full story.
Also, adoption? Trixie has just had her physical age regressed. Her mind is still the same, or she would not recognize Twilight. Trixie has by this time spent several years on her own (by your canon), and is evidently somewhat self-sufficient. This seems like an odd thing to suggest, even for Twilight. Letting her stay with her until she's back on her hooves is one thing, but this is... well, it's just a bit odd. Especially since this is supposedly a Twixie story.
And it would have saved you a lot of rewriting the same event if you had gathered all of Twilight's friends so that she can apologize to them all at once.
Other than that, Laichonious and Little Jackie Papercut pretty much hit the nail on the head.
What was the point of delaying the trip to Pinkie-Pie's house? Was it that important to Trixie to brush her mane right then? Did something else happen while they were home? Also, when you put scene breaks in, you need to put a full line of space on both sides of them. They look odd otherwise. So far, I haven't come across anything to make me stop reading. I'm hoping it gets better in later chapters though.
572837
Hmmm, you're right, A lot of my chapters are a bit rushed, bit i tried to do better in future chapters...also, reason being that Trixie wanted to delay the party was just because she was nervous. Have you ever done something peculiar to delay something because you were nervous? I was hoping that would portray it. Thank you for your criticism.
572837
Also, This was supposed to have happened not too long after Rainbow's second Rainboom. Yes, i'd say she is self sufficient, but when your cart is destroyed, and your guidance is screwy...Twilight wanted to do this...plus, i really wanted to do this. but you sound like you've been writing for a while, i shall check out some of your stories. Thanks again :3
love the story
548506
A dangerous place? You have NO idea.
Take it from an internet vet. I'm SURE i've run across things you would never forget. (in a bad way)
So yeah. Be safe while surfing.
anyway while it is running kinda fast, AJ and Rarity seem kinda outta character with how mean they are being and small issues every so often with grammar/spelling still a good story. Love the idea.
Also for this chapter. Just an idea. You could let Trix stew in her sadness after the show and have the mares not say anything (within earshot of Trix) then show up at the Library later. This not only would (to me) seem good but also is a way of lengthening the chapter and rounding it off well with a nice happy Trix being surprised by the mares showing up later.
Also any plans on having her tell Twi she's into mares?
I ask this cause I've seen a bit of Twi asking her about Stallions and she mentioned earlier about a "cute filly" so yeah. Just wondering.
Ok, After reading all of the chapters, I have an opinion formed.
The First Chapter was GREAT! It was pretty dramatic, but it was kind of bad on the grammar side.
The other chapters gave me the impression of being rushed and less worried with the plot, but the grammar got better.
Things went kinda downhill since the first chapter, but the 5th one gave me hopes of a brighter future for the story, since it looks like things are getting good.
Pay attention on the punctuation, many times I was confused of when a speech from a character ended. You forget the " a lot. (I completely forgot what is it called. Sorry, I don't know the proper terms in english, its not my native language.)
Anyway, that said, your idea is very interesting, and keep up the good work!
MOAR!
Jeez, whoever forced trixie and Rena to separate are jerks!
Jeez. I know she was a jerk last time, aj, rarity, but aren't you two being a bit too harsh here. She's a teenager for celestia's sake!
Rainbow, if you're not careful I'm gonna come to equestria myself, learn age regression spells and turn you into a filly, fill out the paper work and make you twilight's daughter, thus making you trixie's little sister!
As for you, applejack and rarity, for bearers of the elements, you sure ain't acting like it to a scared filly
not cool
Glad rainbow finally saw passed her pride. Guess having tendencies like fluttershy was a good thing.