Story of Trixie's Redemption

by Octavio the Umbreon

Chapter 1

It was nearing the Hearth Warming’s Day Festival. Twilight Sparkle was out walking home from the market when she saw a disheartening sight: A raggedy blue unicorn trudging through the street, with a group of young stallions pointing and laughing and throwing rocks at her. She went immediately to this mare’s aid.

“Stop! What do you guys think you’re doing? Assaulting this helpless pony?” She said with her best scolding voice.

“Humph! Why not? She can handle it; she is the Great and Powerful Trixie after all.” Sneered the group of colts. At the mention of the name, the poor figure choked out a sob.

“Look, I don’t care who she is, nopony deserves to be treated like that, especially during this time of year. Now BACK OFF!” She growled. The smirked again, and then cantered off. She turned back to find Trixie to see what the problem was, but saw nopony there. “Trixie! Where did you go?” Twilight called out. Her ears perked up. She saw her old cape hanging out from behind shop sign. She caught up, and what she was rather depressing.

Trixie’s coat was tarnished with dirt and mud and tears; it was obvious she hasn’t seen a proper shelter in quite a while. Her once flashy hat and cape were now nothing more than rags held together but a few stitches here and there. Her expression; it showed what had happened. Her expression from the past once portrayed pride and confidence, in excessive amounts. Now, it resembled broken glass. She was broken. But the biggest thing was…she seemed about 10 years younger…

“W-w-what d-do y-you w-w-want?” she cried, looking up. Then, her expression quickly changed to anger, and back to depressed. “O-oh, I-its j-j-just y-you…” Tears were still falling.

“Trixie, what happened? Twilight whispered in shock.

A little angrily, she said, “ When you defeated that beast, I was forced on the run, becoming the ridicule of Equestria.” More tears fell.

“Umm, Trixie, would you like to stay the library for time being?” Twilight asked gently, for fear of hurting her worse. She was afraid she did.

“W-what?” she look genuinely surprised. “B-b-but I…I treated y-your friends so badly…” Trixie sobbed again.

It made Twilight’s heart ache to see somepony in so much pain.

“It’s alright,” She cooed, “come to the library, and you can stay for as long as necessary.”

“Th-th-thank y-you!” she said, giving the purple mare a hug. She quickly remembered that she was…well, filthy, so she backed off, blushing. “umm…”

“Well, that settles it!” Twilight exclaims in a much brighter tone. “Let’s go!”

^W^-^W^-^W^-^W^

(Trixie’s POV)

I was…happy. I was so tired…ever since that one fiasco at Ponyville, I was shunned. Word spread quickly about my sham, and no city, town or village would stand to let me perform, lest they call me names, and throw objects at me. I trudged everywhere, and I thought. I thought about my past.

“Hey Trixie,” Twilight said after dinner. It was delicious. Much better than what I deserve. “I was wondering, who are you?” Eh? This confused me.

“W-what do you mean?” I whimpered. “I-I-I’m not…

“No, sorry, you misunderstood. When I first met you, I saw you as arrogant, and, of course, a boaster. But now, you seem…nicer.”

“No, not nicer, I’m…I don’t know. I didn’t use to be so arrogant, like you mentioned, before I was…” and then I started my life’s story.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Regular POV.

“Move it, Pixie!” Trixie was shoved aside from a jerk Pegasus named Quick.

“Sorry” She mumbled. She picked up her things and moved on. At the end of the day, she went her way home, when Quick and his ‘friends’ intercepted her.

“Hey Pixie, where do you think you’re going?” Quick sneered.

“Home.” She said in a terrified whisper.

“Naw, I don’t think so.” Quick said with a sadistic grin.

They took all of her bits and took her beat her. Trixie had this diary. She drew pictures and wrote what she felt like in it: Her favorite things, that cute filly in class, even Mr. Magic, her raggedy doll. Well they stole her diary. They were going to read it at school and there was nothing she could do about it. Things like this happened on a regular basis. One time they took her saddle bag, and hung it on top of the school flag pole. The other time, they teased her so much, she was just in tears in the middle of class. The teacher couldn’t do anything about the boys, because, they’ve snuck into her house and found black-mail material. Some things are better left unsaid.

“S-stop! W-w-what did I ever do?” she cried.

“Simple. You existed.” He said coldly. “I just don’t like you, because you are useless. Everybody here has some purpose. YOU are just another blank flank.”

The words ‘blank flank’ felt like a ton of rocks.-

“I…” She stopped and ran away as fast as she could.

“I hate my life…” she said quietly as she got away somewhere alone. This is how she spent most of her days. Alone. She preferred it that way; it’s true, she was still a blank flank, and she didn’t really do to well in most of her classes, except magic. She didn’t want to go home. The look of disappointment on her father’s face, and the emptiness of her mother’s seat at the table hurt beyond belief.

She decided to run away. That way, those bullies at school would no longer bother her. Her dad wouldn’t have to worry about her anymore. That night, she packed a spell book, Mr. Magic, some apples and bits, a blanket, and a picture of her mother. She turned, and headed towards. Manehatten. As she ran away, she cast a couple trick spells to prolong her disappearance. She tied her blanket around her like a cape, and started her journey, without realizing her cutie mark had appeared under that blanket.

“Oops, s-sorry sir.” Trixie stuttered, as she bumped into a rather well dressed gentlepony.

“Oh, quite all right lass!” He boomed with laughter. He was a jolly old unicorn, with a caduceus as his cutie mark.

He must be a doctor, she thought.

“Well, I must be going…” she said, and started off.

“To where, Manehatten? Alone?” he said raising an eyebrow.

“Ummm…” she mumbled. She started to tear up when she wondered where she was going to stay that night. ‘No! I have to stay strong. I can’t just let some stranger see me cry!’

“Humph, so you are alone. Well, it seems I’m going to have to fix that!” He said with a smile.

Trixie’s jaw dropped.

“R-really? I-I mean…I just can’t take such an-“ She was interrupted.

“Nonsense! I insist! You wouldn’t be troubling me at all!” He smiled.

“I-I’d l-love to stay the night! Thank you Mr….” Trixie realized she didn’t know the kind pony’s name.

“You can call me Hermes!” He said. “and you misunderstand me, no, I was offering a place to live. You surely don’t think I would let a helpless filly wander around in this busy city? ” He added that last part sternly.

Trixie’s jaw dropped. Again.

“By the way, I never did, catch you name…”Hermes said

“M-m-my name? Trixie. My name is Trixie.” She said breathlessly, barely believing her luck. She promptly fainted.

- -

O_O-O_O

As soon as possible, Trixie was carried to a very large home. Trixie was immediately bathed and fed a decent meal. She was shown her room.

“Here it is! Your very own room!” Hermes said proudly. Trixie gasped. It was a large room, twice as large as her old room. There was a deep blue color job, a TV, a desk, and her bed.

“Oh, and one thing. There is something I was hoping you could help me with…” said Hermes, looking a little down.

“Yes? Thank you so much! I’ll do anything!” Trixie said with a giant grin.

“I want you to try and befriend my daughter. She is shy and a bit lonely.” He sounded saddened again. “But I noticed your Cutie Mark, and I thought you could be the perfect friend.” He said cheerfully.

‘Wow, this guy is a little bit weird…wait, what?’

“i-i-I have a Cutie Mark!?” She practically screamed. She turned to look at her flank. There was a wand with a small streak of sparkles. She looked at the amused face belonging to Mr. Hermes.

“You didn’t know? Hmm, interesting. Nonetheless, can you do magic tricks?”

“A-a few.” She closed her eyes and concentration and produced a couple firework-like sparks. After that, she picked up a pencil from the desk and made it do flips and turns. Basic tricks.

“Aw, isn’t that precious! Well, let’s meet her right away! Cheerio! (oh dear, tomorrow I have to go off to see my niece Pinkie…Well, no job is too big for Hermes Pie!).

A few minutes later, introductions were made.

“Trixie, I’d like you to meet Rena. Rena, meet Trixie!” He bounded off…huh. Are unicorns able to jump on air like that?

“Hi…”

“Hi Rena, I’m Trixie…the great and powerful!” she let out a spark for emphasis. “Heh, I just made that name up…”

“I like it!” Rena giggled.

Over the next couple years, they played and grew up with each other, becoming like sisters.

“Daddy! Trixie hurt my dolly!” whined filly Rena.

“It was an accident!” Trixie said. “I was trying to make it glow, but I got it wrong…” She sounded a bit hurt.” Hermes only chuckled. He fired up his horn and fixed the little damage.

“Go and play nice now.” He smiled

Trixie always kept her side of the deal, being Rena’s friend. It made them both happy.

“Did you learn something new today?” Rena asked, as they were about to enter their house.

“Take a look,” Trixie just smiled. Her horn glowed, and then fired a blast, releasing two large fireworks into the bright sky; A huge, blue Bass symbol expanded in the atmosphere, Rena’s Cutie mark, as did a large wand, surrounded by hundreds of little stars. “Ah!” Trixie groaned.

It was a breathtaking vista. Rena was so blown away; she could only hug Trixie, only to find her sister unconscious from the effort. Rena smiled once more, and carried Trixie to her bed.

They both ended up going to Manehatten High. Rena focused on music, concerning her double bass, Trixie studied illusionary magic.

“Rena, you’re sure to impress Stardust with that cello of yours, you’re a master at it!” Trixie said one day.

“No, I have a long ways to go yet, but you’ll definitely awe Umbre with your magnificent shows!” Rena replied. Stardust and Umbre, two popular colts in their year, both of them single. I'm sure you guys can work this out.

“Rena, I guess we both have a lot to work on…” Trixie grinned awkwardly.

But like always, things didn’t turn out so well for her. On her last week of high school, she and Rena received terrible news. Hermes was on a business trip, and was flying to the Neightherlands, and the plane crashed, None of the ponies survived. Later, because of law complications, Trixie had to leave.

Through the tears shed, Rena gave her a parting gift, her own magic caravan. Trixie left the next day. She never could pull off the amazing illusions and tricks like she could in the past, because, like some of you may know, a unicorn’s magic runs oemotions, and feelings. Trixie could no longer put trust in emotions like love, could no longer hold a proper friendship.

She turned lonely, and started lying to her crowds, lying to herself. Becoming a braggart, becoming a liar. Becoming haughty. When the Ursa Minor attacked Ponyville, she lost her caravan. Her last gift from Rena. Rena didn’t keep in touch with Trixie, because of her extremely busy lifestyle, and also the fact that Trixie always moved from town to town. Trixie spirited herself from town to town, until she re-came upon Ponyville.

“I, I’m so sorry…” Twilight whispered. “oh, and uh, why are you…you know…young?”

“I-I was doing an age manipulation spell on a mouse, for practice. It was on the same day as that famous Best Young Flyer Competition. Suddenly, in the middle of my 4th practice spell, bright rainbow appeared in the sky for a moment, and my magic was amplified, and…I acciden

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tly hit myself… I couldn’t change myself back…” Trixie said with a deep blush.

“Wow…”
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Sorry if it seems rushed in certain areas, but Critique is appreciated! enjoy the first, i believe, Trixie gets adopted by Twilight story!

PS i'm kind of a slow writer, so I'll Try my Best to get my Chapters done once every 1 1/2 weeks, something like that

Comments

[Little Jackie Papercut]

Ch. 1, initial impression:

This looks well-written, like there might actually be something to it. I'm nervous, though, because you don't take time to warm up before taking a running start. You don't do anything to set the scene other than establish that it's close to a holiday. If that turns out to be a recurring thing, I think I'm going to find myself quite confused...

More once I've finished reading the first chapter.

[Little Jackie Papercut]

Ch. 1, final impression:

It's... good. Your effort shows, the time spent on the events that you talk about is well-spent. But there are places where it feels like a line here or there is missing, especially to mark the time, like right before the scene where Trixie shows Rena the fireworks, and at the very end of the flashback before Twilight speaks again. And before that, where you have "*Few minutes later...*" You shouldn't do that. Keep it in the narrative. Just say, at minimum, "A few minutes passed." There are two other little issues I'd like to point out...

First, the mention of Stardust and Umbre. It's not strictly necessary for us to know who they are. I can see why you'd like to tell us, to make it feel more complete, but you should find another way of doing so - you've set the precedent with Hermes that parenthetical statements are the characters thinking or talking to themselves, so it sounds like the characters are actually taking the time to note that Stardust is bright and handsome and Umbre is popular.

Second, in the end, Trixie says that the spell backfired on the day of the Best Young Flier competition... why? Why would Trixie even know that, let alone mention it? Is she an avid follower of pegasus sports? It seems like an unnecessary line, existing only to serve as a clue for Twilight about the cause of the problem.

Other than that, good job..

[Laichonious the Grey]

I hope you aren't a very first time writer, otherwise you would put my first attempts at writing to shame

I agree with Mr. Papercut, it feels a bit rushed. It's good that you acknowledge that, but then again it's not good to do so in an author's note. I had a hard time following some parts because of the odd interjections like "some of you may know, a unicorn’s magic runs oemotions, and feelings" there is nothing wrong with narrating this way, you just have to be more consistent. I would also suggest you use italics for a character's inner thoughts.

It started out really strong, I instantly connected with Trixie, your description of the situation and Twilight's reaction were splendid. It started to fall apart though when you did the first page break. I have found that if you want to change the perspective of your narration to another character, you can start out with the characters name and some quick descriptive opinions that reflect the new perspective. One way I do this is to decide on a mindset, or style, for each character. I try to get in their head and tell it like they see it. Limiting information in some areas, and expounding in others is a simple way to do this. As Mr. Papercut said, Trixie wouldn't necessarily know that the sonic rainboom was because of the Best Young Flyer Competition. She would have described it much like how the other characters did in that episode, not knowing the causes and being affected by the results.

I would like to see Trixie's narrative of her story be more like a first person narrative, like she's telling it to Twilight. With that format, you can slow it down a little maybe add some more verbal or emotional cues and descriptors. The reader will start to care more about her and what happened, he will start to empathize. Your initial description of what Trixie was going through as she walked down the street, was successful in that I could visualize the scene very quickly. Therefore, I took pity on her and when Twilight reflected that same emotion and stood up for Trixie, it made the situation more plausible in my mind. It felt natural that Twilight would help Trixie, despite their less-than-wonderful past encounter. This in turn helps solidify my emotional attachment to the characters which makes me want to read more.

The story is sound and the plot has promise, it just needs a bit more TLC and some more description to flesh it out. This is a great start though.
Heaven forbid my first writings ever see the light of day...

[Wrabbit]

Other than a few spelling and grammatical mistakes, these two covered everything I have to say about this chapter. Also, be careful where you place page breaks, as you placed two not only in the middle of a sentence, but in the middle of a word near the end.

[Autum Breeze]

Jeez, whoever forced trixie and Rena to separate are jerks!