Rainbow Dash has to stay at twilight's library after a storm came in. Rainbow Dash's house is ruined and she also has to confess her love to her best friend Twilight Sparkle. (With the help of rarity)
Chapters (4)
- Member Since 18th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen Aug 19th, 2019
MCGirlGamer
Hey Guys! I make awesome shipping stories and other adventure stories starring the mane 6 :D
MCGirlGamer
Joined 18th Feb, 2014 ·
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Okay... where to begin
Pacing it faster than light, grammar is all but non-exsistant, they're more blank slates than they are characters, I don't understand how this got passed moderation with grammar like this, unless they're more lenient than I thought, I don't think this was edited at all. Nothing is described at all. It's all so... generic. Nothing is explained. There are no transitions, it's just event after event after event. There isn't even a sense of you trying to achieve immersion, the characters are so bland- oh wait already said that...
The flow is as choppy as a wave pool in the open sea during a storm at the best of times, and the awkward sentences wreak havoc on everything else.
But umm.... err... it's Twidash?
Sorry, but this needs serious work as writing and you need serious work as a writer. Practice makes perfect though, so good luck with anything else you write.
I, unfortunately, have to leave you with a dislike.
Please, get an editor. There's grammar mistakes everywhere! It's not anything too tricky, it just breaks the immersion that a story builds.
I have a crush on rainbow dash
A little to fast paced
3969435 im so sorry this is my first story i will have someone to hceck it out and fix it. Or in some cases i mean can anyone fix it for me?
3967579 its ok i will practice as hard i could to make another shipping im so sorry for the errors i accept your dislike
You should of made us wait longer then dropped the bomb
3971153 ik imma fix the errors i just needa find someone that would help me
YOU KILLED GTAMMAR NAZI
3971652 umm ? im sorry but i dont undertsand u :D
3971745
3968526
3968526 I just put up a shit ton of these,
AWWWWW!
I wanted them to share a bed........
3977939 I would enjoy a cake cup!
3992852 oh im sorry im out of pony flesh i mean sprinkles
3993161 Just use dragon scales! Which can be violently ripped out of their bodies!
3993590 they are not as good
Use Pegasus heart! Use rainbows to melt the flesh and bone to get to the good stuff.
3993606 to small
I kinda wanna stop talking about this..... My stomach is starting to hurt.
3993683 fine i promise i will stop
3993743 No by all means continue. I just don't wanna be involved.
3993868 no i said i would stop
So. You will stop commenting altogether, or stop replying to me or both?
YOU DO NOT NEED TO USE CAPS FOR EMPHASIS! A simple exclamation point can get your point across!
Obviously not.
Now for my grade:
Sentence Structure: C
Punctuation: D
Apostrophes: D-
Capitalization: D-
Tenses: D-
Spelling: B
Grammar: D-
Overall Grade: F
Did you even try?
This makes me sad
4187541
Not that this isn't terrible, but it getting an F grade from combining a bunch of other grades that are all high than an F isn't how grading is supposed to work...
Same for me as Kodeake, I really want to give this a thumbs up but that would be completely ignoring the quality. This seemed more of a story that you were trying to get out as fast as possible, as all the chapters had errors in them. In conclusion, I will leave you with a dislike, however get better and maybe someday I'll return to read your story/stories.
My advise is: Read some TwiDash story's that is highly rated, get a hold of a good editor and then have a goal of over 1500 words each chapter. (Makes people want to read it).
Now you don't have to follow this advise it's just the things i use for my story's (only i use TwiShy instead of TwiDash
Good luck in the future.
~Tobben
The only things i've noticed as typos are you're not putting a space after the commas.
Other than that, keep it up!
4187541
Okay, number one; that is not how grading works. You don't add up a bunch of grades higher than an F and get an F. Addition doesn't work like that! Well, unless you're using negative numbers, but still!
Second, dude, harsh much? It's obviously a first attempt at writing something serious. Low skill does not mean that the writer didn't try.
Third. If you want to leave a "grading" comment, tell them what they did wrong, why they dd it wrong, and how they can improve it, or you're just another pointless comment added to the ever-growing pile.
*ahem* comments like that make me really angry, if you couldn't tell. It's useless, pointlessly harsh, and all around stupid. if you're not going to help, and offer constructive criticism, then just keep your yap shut.
3992798
me also
Well, dispite the grammar, build up and character... good storyline? It is your first story anyway. Hopefully I'm not too harsh. I may have to give this a down vote.
Sorry
Also this:
Who in the AUs is dahie?
Edit: I only Favourite the story to see if, maybe you could rewrite or edit this. The storyline is good but the quality of it... not really. I hope you can fix it one day.
Edit 2: OMG... the exclamation marks are too much!
. Oh, and I dunno why, but I ended up giving this an up vote when I said I would do the opposite.
Edit 3: Good luck in your future stories!