Rainbow Dash wants to prove to Twilight Sparkle that she is the one that she should be hanging out with. Not that guy Flash!
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 18th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen Aug 19th, 2019
MCGirlGamer
Hey Guys! I make awesome shipping stories and other adventure stories starring the mane 6 :D
MCGirlGamer
Joined 18th Feb, 2014 ·
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Colored text + not proofreading + Flash Sentry isn't a recipe for success. Flash Sentry alone makes people annoyed. Yes, that's probably just the tag. But it won't help if people click and see all that colored, unedited text.
To short
hello i am spanish brony and like the story very muchs, plese right more chapters fast plese. i want more rainbow dash x twilight sparkle. twilight its a good pony and rainbow too. this is the face of me
4452971 To short whom? The reader, yes, but perhaps the author has also shorted themselves. If only they'd had a proofreader, they would be saving themselves from a negative reception.
4453061 never took that into mind thanks
4452922 Not all of it is even colored
4453094 The problem is that any of it being colored isn't good. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad. I just wanted you to know one reason you're probably getting hit with all those downrates, instead of you just wondering why. If you're using colored text to indicate different speakers, get rid of the colors and add "Rainbow said" and "Twilight said."
4453585 I'm not the author, I was stating that not all of the dialogue is colored, even though the author colored most of it
4453585 The dialog being colored is better than repeating twilight said and rainbow said. It is a waste of words and also you would know who is speaking when it is colored instead of reading those "twilight said" It just keeps repeating which i don't think is good for me. I am finding a proofreader as this story is still incomplete. But, thank you for pointing out the problem. Next time there will be less coloring.
4452971 It is not done yet, unless you mean the chapters are too short. I mean the next chapters will be long enough for your satisfaction :D
4455141 No, it's laziness.
Read this.
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
To begin as I often do: don't write sub-1,000 word chapters. It's taboo and will often bring in insta-hate. Aim for a minimum of 1,200.
Anyways, nothing else blatantly wrong pre-story, so onto the story!
When I see something like this it makes me think that zero editing went into the making of this. That isn't good.
Don't change tense randomly like this. Previously you'd been using past tense (started, finished, looked) so stick with it. As well, who the hell is this she? I can assume that it is Twilight, but I shouldn't have to assume, I should be able to know for sure.
Again: I'm only working on assumption and color that this is Spike that we're talking about. This isn't good. In addition, what castle pieces? What is going on here? Where is here? Thus far there has been little to nothing in the lines of scene setting. We know that cyan text pony (presumably Rainbow) is kicking clouds in the sky over what we can assume is Twilight's castle, but that's all it is: an assumption. There's nothing actually grounded here, and that makes for a very poor mental picture. Instead add in more description. You're already WAY below the minimum accepted word count per chapter, so add some meat to those bones. Gives us descriptions of sights, smells, and sensations. All that good stuff to give the reader a good mental picture of what the flying bat tits is going on.
Ignoring the punctuation and capitalization errors, if your whole idea behind coloring the text is because writing: "he/she/it/bob said" is a waste of words, then what of this? Where previously you'd had six words after the quote, only three are needed if you do it my way. Your argument has been nullified.
Even then, not all of the text is even color coded. Everything in the story should be uniform because uniform looks nice. Therefore if your story doesn't look nice then it makes it even worse than if everything was color coded. This isn't to say that you should color code it, you shouldn't because that makes it look ugly and gives you fewer words (something that, as I mentioned before, you need more of). In addition, using: "he/she/it/bob said" allows for a more fluid transition into character actions (i.e. he said as he swung the axe//she said, soothingly petting his matted mane) which are very important for creating a mental image of a scene.
Ignoring the grammar again, this really doesn't seem in character to me. What Spike is saying is basically that he's only stopping right now because he's full today, implying that he's not sorry and would do it again. Top top it off, Twilight's perfectly fine with this. That makes both of these characters OOC. At this point in time, I'll suggest you get an editor and proofreader. In addition, I just realized that you were using spaces in lieu of actual indents. There's a button at the top of the editing page that automatically indents every line for you so you don't have to hit the spacebar eleven times.
Again: editor. As well, all numbers less than 1,000 need to be written out. Otherwise it just looks lazy and unprofessional. Also, why the heck is Derpy even needed here? If the answer is to dun goof for the LOLs then that's not a decent answer.
Yeah, not a decent excuse for having Derpy there. The tired old cliche of the jealous "spy" getting screwed over and discovered like this isn't funny and has serves no decent point. In this situation it comes off very forced and that utterly prevents it from having any redemption value.
So yeah.
I never got a decent mental image of what was going on, the characters weren't very in character, the lack of editing made for a grueling read, and the on-off color coding was pointless and ugly. Get an editor or proofreader next time (I already gave you the links above) and don't use color coding.
I'd scrap this and try again, maybe in a one-shot format between two background characters. TwiDash has been done a million times before and working with those who have no set personality (like background characters) opens up a lot of leeway for what you can get away with them doing. As well, do be sure to read, read, READ as much good fiction as possible as it'll teach you how to write better.
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
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4455947 is there a way i can give you access to the story to correct me and edit my story?
4456626 My apologies, but I don't do editing. Just reviews.
However, you can put a story on password view only. This makes it so that only those with the password are able to view the story.
I gave you links to two different editing groups in the review, however. If neither of those turn up something then you can try these as well.
4455141 Oh, coloring. A topic hated on so much.
I personally only use it when emphasising an extreme irregularity with the voice (Changeling voices, Royal Canterlot Voice, ect.)
It may seem overused, but having 'Twilight said' would still be better. You could also use words besides said (ex. Exclaimed, commanded, stated)
4455153 yay!
awww shit just gor real! This is my favorite fan fic. ! SQUEE!!! i cannot wait!
Alright, finally got around the reading this. I'll admit to putting it off a bit longer than usual after seeing all those dislikes though.... After reading, while I can't say you deserved likes, I can honestly say that you don't deserve quite that many dislikes.
There is an abundance of problems with this fic, from the coloring of speech (which is even more annoying when you don't do it consistently) the borderline-OOC, the overall grammar, spelling, punctuation and pacing. Honestly about the only thing you have going for you here is a semi-interesting plot - which is rushed through way too quickly - that appeals double to me because I love seeing ships that aren't Twidash burn to the ground in a flaming pile of ashes.
What I can say in the actual positive is that I do see improvement over your previous story, where the grammar was to a point I was seriously questioning the mod's choice to pass it. This is better, but only barely. The characters are still bland, not to mention you haven't even taken the time to characterize Flash at all. He may be in EQG, but that doesn't mean everyone here knows who he is, and since he doesn't have a real personality in the cannon universe you need to give him one. So far all we've seen of him is asking Twi out and fighting with Dash, and that fight scene has so many problems I'm not even going to try touching that.
My recommendation; this feels more like a rough draft of a rough plan than an actual story. You have some key elements, but that's about it. not to mention it doesn't look like you put any real effort into editing this at all. So, you need to spend a bit more time fleshing out your writing, working on the mechanical side of writing, then make sure your plot is totally coherent, because this one jumps all over the place randomly. You need keep your characters true to who they are in the show, or you'll never get anywhere writing them, and you need to spend the time to edit the ever living crap out of everything you write.
That is all.
look, man, this is a good story and all, but I think it was too fast. What I'm saying, I practically didn't understand anything about its history, first, Twilight and Flash would Kiss, and she said she liked him too, and now she's contradicting yourself...
She said she didn't like him that way ... I only put on a favorite, because I'm willing to take another look at this. This story is good, really.Avoid being too fast, give more feelings to the reader, you know, take that little taste of wanting to read more and more. 
Good plot, but I expected a bit more out of it.
no hate intended.
The plot was ok, but you should really get r a proofreader or at least Proofread it yourself. I also feel this was very rushed and it overall just was sort of amateur.
Dash is... happy to spy on ponies?
Umm, is Twilight being sarcastic or did she really mean it?
This is what got me hyped. The last time they met... it didn't end well.
4456626
Please complete this! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa