Chapter 4: the Weirdest but AWESOME Night of My Life!
Rarity came into the kitchen looking nervous like she did something wrong. She was sweating worse than i would after doing 1,000 Wing ups. Ok Fine 200 Wing ups. But i'm still am strong and cool. She sat right across from the table and started to open her mouth to speak.
"Yes" I say to rarity suspiciously.
"Ok darling i must urgently ask you something, You see do you have a special somepony or ever wanted a special somepony and if you do then who is it or who is your crush if you have one" She said as fast as she could with a fake smile on her face.
"Well if i tell you this then you promise not to tell anyone!" I responded
"You have my word Rainbow Dash" Rarity said doing the pinkie promise thing that pinkie pie a pink mare who is a very hard partying animal made up.
"Well.... I've always had this thing for mares...Heh" I say seeing that rarity had a shock on her face. I blushed so hard my face turned red as applejack's apples.
"WOW! Darling that is very adoring! So who is this mare you like!" Rarity said
I blinked 3 times. "Well....Aren't you mad or you know not wanting to talk to me anymore?" I asked.
"Why would ever i would be mad or not wanting to talk to you. We are best friends i like you the way you are plus i always had this thing for applejack." Rarity informed as spike ran out of the kitchen.
"Well spike seems mad hahha." I Say
"I'll deal with him later... so tell me your wanna be special somepony darling i simply must know after all i did a pinkie promise." rarity reminded.
"Its.....Its....its...TWILIGHT!" I admitted
Rarity's Jaw dropped nearly touching earths crust.
"You must tell her immediately!" Rarity said. "She has a crush on you too"
My jaw dropped too. I ran out of the kitchen but rarity stopped me.
"Darling i mean at the right time ill go sleep in twilight's bed for now she said i can use it she will be reading books for the night and while she does thats when you make a move."
I nodded and rarity went to the bedroom as explained and dozed off. Twilight was in the living room as told reading a book. I went to her but tripped on the rug and landed startling Twilight i stuck my tongue at her as she rolled her eyes and continued to read. I leaned in closer to her as she was too distracted from her reading/studying. I bunny hopped a little to get even more closer to her. Come on DASH just do a smooth move. I say to myself. I pretended to stretch my wing and it landed on her body. THATS PERFECT i thought. Twilight stopped reading and looked into my eyes as i did to her. We stood silent as rarity was watching excitingly. I looked at her and she gave me a wave saying go on. I kissed Twilight's cheek and shee jumped in and put her lips on mine. Sparks flew we kisses as long as our lungs could taste and she broke away.
"Twi.... I...I....Love you! I say stuttering
"I love you too dahie!" Twilight said and we hugged as we heard rarity saying awwwwww in the backround.
THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Okay... where to begin
Pacing it faster than light, grammar is all but non-exsistant, they're more blank slates than they are characters, I don't understand how this got passed moderation with grammar like this, unless they're more lenient than I thought, I don't think this was edited at all. Nothing is described at all. It's all so... generic. Nothing is explained. There are no transitions, it's just event after event after event. There isn't even a sense of you trying to achieve immersion, the characters are so bland- oh wait already said that...
The flow is as choppy as a wave pool in the open sea during a storm at the best of times, and the awkward sentences wreak havoc on everything else.
But umm.... err... it's Twidash?
Sorry, but this needs serious work as writing and you need serious work as a writer. Practice makes perfect though, so good luck with anything else you write.
I, unfortunately, have to leave you with a dislike.
A little to fast paced
3969435 im so sorry this is my first story i will have someone to hceck it out and fix it. Or in some cases i mean can anyone fix it for me?
3967579 its ok i will practice as hard i could to make another shipping im so sorry for the errors i accept your dislike
You should of made us wait longer then dropped the bomb
3971153 ik imma fix the errors i just needa find someone that would help me
YOU KILLED GTAMMAR NAZI
3971652 umm ? im sorry but i dont undertsand u :D
3971745
3977939 I would enjoy a cake cup!
3992852 oh im sorry im out of pony flesh i mean sprinkles
3993161 Just use dragon scales! Which can be violently ripped out of their bodies!
3993590 they are not as good
Use Pegasus heart! Use rainbows to melt the flesh and bone to get to the good stuff.
3993606 to small
I kinda wanna stop talking about this..... My stomach is starting to hurt.
3993683 fine i promise i will stop
3993743 No by all means continue. I just don't wanna be involved.
3993868 no i said i would stop
So. You will stop commenting altogether, or stop replying to me or both?
YOU DO NOT NEED TO USE CAPS FOR EMPHASIS! A simple exclamation point can get your point across!
Obviously not.
Now for my grade:
Sentence Structure: C
Punctuation: D
Apostrophes: D-
Capitalization: D-
Tenses: D-
Spelling: B
Grammar: D-
Overall Grade: F
Did you even try?
This makes me sad
4187541
Not that this isn't terrible, but it getting an F grade from combining a bunch of other grades that are all high than an F isn't how grading is supposed to work...
Same for me as Kodeake, I really want to give this a thumbs up but that would be completely ignoring the quality. This seemed more of a story that you were trying to get out as fast as possible, as all the chapters had errors in them. In conclusion, I will leave you with a dislike, however get better and maybe someday I'll return to read your story/stories.
My advise is: Read some TwiDash story's that is highly rated, get a hold of a good editor and then have a goal of over 1500 words each chapter. (Makes people want to read it).
Now you don't have to follow this advise it's just the things i use for my story's (only i use TwiShy instead of TwiDash
Good luck in the future.
~Tobben
4187541
Okay, number one; that is not how grading works. You don't add up a bunch of grades higher than an F and get an F. Addition doesn't work like that! Well, unless you're using negative numbers, but still!
Second, dude, harsh much? It's obviously a first attempt at writing something serious. Low skill does not mean that the writer didn't try.
Third. If you want to leave a "grading" comment, tell them what they did wrong, why they dd it wrong, and how they can improve it, or you're just another pointless comment added to the ever-growing pile.
*ahem* comments like that make me really angry, if you couldn't tell. It's useless, pointlessly harsh, and all around stupid. if you're not going to help, and offer constructive criticism, then just keep your yap shut.
Well, dispite the grammar, build up and character... good storyline? It is your first story anyway. Hopefully I'm not too harsh. I may have to give this a down vote.
Sorry
Also this:
Who in the AUs is dahie?
Edit: I only Favourite the story to see if, maybe you could rewrite or edit this. The storyline is good but the quality of it... not really. I hope you can fix it one day.
Edit 2: OMG... the exclamation marks are too much!
. Oh, and I dunno why, but I ended up giving this an up vote when I said I would do the opposite.
Edit 3: Good luck in your future stories!