• Member Since 26th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen Feb 13th, 2017

Dynasty-Kaine


So am I famous yet? No? Perfect! I will write my stories for you, and there will be much rejoicing...over cake! =D

T

The pegesi have long lived in peace with the leadership of the Council of Five. However, tensions have risen, with ambitions for ultimate control running rampant. Civil war looks like it is all but inevitable. Celestia will not allow this affront to harmony of her little ponies. This is where a stallion comes in; the silmarillion Avalon. He has long since turned away from his destiny for greatness, choosing to instead take fate into his own hooves.
When Princess Celestia calls upon him to take up his destiny at last, will circumstance make him change his mind, or will he walk away from it yet again? Once his choice is made though, will he be able to bear the consequences of his actions? What monster stirs in the darkness ahead of him?
Read on and find Avalon's true destiny!

Editing Done by: Merne23

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 32 )

This looks like it could be interesting.
Also, the main character seems a bit OP but the way you go about writing it seems fine to me.
Can't wait to see how this story ties with everything else.

3876275 OMG my first comment so happy!:pinkiehappy:
Yeah I'll admit he is a bit overpowered, but he isn't without weakness that will become more apparent as the story goes.
Also glad you'll be watching to see how story goes :rainbowkiss: you totally made my day!

3876298
Lol, I remember how I reacted with my first comment, went somewhat similar. XD

3876510 :pinkiehappy: Yeah this is true every writer I guess wants to hear at least something about their work after all :rainbowwild:
Hope to hear more from you as the story continues, and as I said in the comments I'll try to have next chapter out this next Friday. So keep an eye out! :pinkiehappy: And seriously, Thanks for the encouragement. :twilightsmile:

3876572
No prob, but along with encouragement I'll try to add some criticism as well, that well it'll help make your story better and help you as a writer grow better. >:)

3876584 :rainbowdetermined2: Sounds like a great deal to me! Still trying to come up with ways to make Avalon seem a bit less physically OP'd but...with time i think I can make the case...somehow :derpytongue2:

3876623
Hey, if you ever need a guy to bounce ideas with then I'm always available.

3876706
Lol, you'd need to read some of my work first before I bounce ideas with you, so that way you can at least somewhat understand what I'm trying to do.

I liked it and I to am new to fimfiction so I hope you feel welcomed here and please if you can read my story. It is called Equestria's First Super Warhorse.

3876713 This Is very true...I'll find one and add it to my ever growing list of stories to read!:derpytongue2:

3876728 Yay another comment, well since you did me the kindness of reading and liking my story I'm sure I can give your story a read as well!:ajsmug:

3876728
That sounds like an awesome name, I'm gonna take a look into it.

This has absolutely peaked my curiosity. Loving the relationship you've displayed between Avalon and Celestia. Work a little on sentence structure. A period here and a coma there would help. But, all in all, I have thoroughly enjoyed this first chapter. Bravo :twilightsmile:

This story has been amazing. I can't wait to read more. You have done amazing with it and I commend you for making such a great plot.

3881645 Thank you soo much for the comments Axel! I didn't expect you would read my story:twilightblush: Any chance you could give me an example on structure issue so I can recognize next time i make the mistake? :pinkiesmile:
:rainbowdetermined2: I think i just got my spark for chapter 3! :heart::heart::heart: to everyone behind me with this story!

3883110 what grammar would you like an example of? Run-on sentences or comma errors?

3883799 Either or really, I know I prolly had that run on issue a lot. At least, with the way it sounded in my head when I wrote it. I'm usually a one run writer, when I do it it flows until finish. Either that or misused commas...its odd that i was screwing those up im usually good with em :rainbowderp:

Where ever i screwed up quote it and tell me?

3884169 The pony then reaching into their saddle bag to pull out a simple scroll of parchment with what appeared to be a broken seal Celestia herself often sealed her letters with

This would have been a good example. It came out nicely buy you could have done this: The pony, reaching into their saddle bag, pulled out a simple scroll. Along the edge, a broken seal displayed Celestias royal crest.

Just an idea there's many ways to do it. But like I said I love what you did

3884340 Hmm I see why that sounds like it needed something now. Mind if I add that bit you advised in ,but more like this:

The pony, reaching into their saddle bag, pulled out a simple scroll. Along the edge, a broken seal displayed Celestias royal crest.

Just removing that one underlined comma, too many pauses or breaks in sentence form could make it a bit choppy yeah? Otherwise...I liked what you did with that sentence! :twilightsmile:

3886396
If you're afraid of making sentences too choppy, make new sentences. :moustache:

I honestly like what you're doing, but actions, and reactions, and thoughts are all getting rushed, (if not underplayed,) by the punctuation.:twilightoops:
It's almost like I wanted to tell you something but it's super-secret and I wanna tell you it really fast so you don't lose it yea. So all of these words come rushing out almost like a tsunami through a floodgate and you only have the space of a half-breath to grab on to something. (:rainbowwild:)
Savvy?

3898258 With this story I'm not 100% sure of what your saying...I took my time writing this one and it upon re-read doesn't seem too rapidly paced or choppy.:applejackunsure:
I mean, it would help more if you could use an example from the story I could run with merne to understand where its chopping up for ya.:unsuresweetie:

3900630 I was honestly replying to the other comment.

Examples? Umm... maybe:

"Why do I always humor her and return, well, she is a good friend, but this has to be the twentieth time she has done this since I left on my journey. Though I guess it will still be nice to see her again after all this time." The pony said aloud to himself though he had his doubts about things he strode onward.

Instead this could read:

"Why do I always humor her and return," the pony said to himself. "Well, she is a good friend, but this has to be the twentieth time she's called me back from my journey. Though... I guess it will be nice to see her again, after all this time..." Though he had his doubts, he strode onward.

I just don't want to be your editor unless you ask. That's why I'm trying to be vague.

3901547 Hmm I like the phrasing. Eh it doesn't hurt to point a few things out that really stick out even if you aren't the editor. Now I get your point though with his talking being a tad choppy.
Hadn't even thought much on getting an editor just yet either :applejackunsure:

Now I see what you meant by in reply to the other comment...:rainbowderp:...my bad there! :derpytongue2:

Yea... good things did happen in this chapter.

Withholding further comment for a PM.

5390615 Just a question. Do you know a particularly skilled musician named Miracle Of Sound?

5392612 Hmm, it does not ring a bell I'm sorry to say =(

5401940 "Burning Though Adversity" is a lyric in one of his songs.

5402079 Oh wow had no idea! Awesome little reference there though! =D

Login or register to comment