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Story Begins in Town named Ice Empire. The town was in land called Frozen Temple. One pony, named Elsa, will start an adventure in Equestria after she runned away from her home.
Well...here it is...now people who read it will say: Elsa and Anna are from Frozen... yes, they are...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I personally think its off to a great start good job besides the first chapter is never truly not meant to be interesting
I like it
... I've seen the movie so I will be interesting how you work though parts.... Just some advice... I normally wouldn't abbreviate things in my writing....
Like this.... I would write this out.... It maybe easy to write like this but why not spend three more seconds and type something out.... It is hard work writing stories(I know this because I haven't worked much on mine since like December
....) This is for the world to read.... Make it your best work!
I do enjoy your story, but I have not seen on DVD. However I will have when it comes on DVD/blue ray combo, please update more to see what Elsa is up to anytime for the coronation ceremony.
Well, thanks everypony! I'll update soon!
I love it just for the very idea alone already.
This horizontal line is so cute
Do you mind if I post some grammar and spelling mistakes, so you can fix them?
3860189
Shure!
A generic rule that you seem to break in the whole chapter: if you have a "she said","Elsa whispered",etc type of sentence, the format is the following:
"Something the character says," character said.
-The quoted sentence ends with comma, or question mark or explanation mark, but not a period(.), if the "said tag" is coming after the quotation.
-The part after the quotation, the "said tag" shouldn't be capitalized. That's why the "character" is with small "c". Unless if it should be capitalized anyways, so it would be "Elsa said", because you start Elsa with big "E" anyways.
For more information, please read "Quotation Marks" from http://www.fimfiction.net/group/916/school-for-new-writers/thread/2709/lecture-punctuation-the-quickstart-guide
Other things: (try to CTRL+F the quoted part, so you can easily fix them)
painful
lived in a town
to come out and play
it would freeze (will -> would, since it's past tense narrative)
period (.) at the end
"went silent" or "became silent"
The floor
3863993
Thanks... I fixed it!
wonderfuL!!!
by the way, WHY WONT THEY ADD A DISCORD EMOTICON HERE!? *stomps hoof on my table* I WANTED A DISCORD EMOTICON HEEEEERE!!! *stares at my discord picture* I HAD A DREAM ABOUT HIM.
3869317
Well... thank you! And I don't realy know why they didn't, but it would be cool if they do, I guess...
I wonder where Elsa is going, either to Equestria or the Crystal empire?
I like the idea of a pony!Frozen AU, but this needs a bit of editing, especially this chapter.
And may I ask, why did you change the names of the locations? Why not Arendelle and Weselton and the Southern Isles like in canon?
I've wondered, when contemplating this crossover, why Elsa would be feared in Equestria when magic is commonplace. I'm not sure which explanation you're using, but my thought was her ice magic isn't the same as her unicorn magic. Maybe her horn doesn't glow when she uses it, so it's seen as unnatural.
387166
Well, I changed the names becouse I didn't want them to be classic, but if you want I'll change them back. About ice... I guess its just her. Not magic or anything. Its like Applejack could froze things. Its just part of her, not part of magic.
PLEASE tell me English is not your first language and that you are struggling to try to write in English. Because that would be the ONLY excuse for this.
No...even then there's no excuse for this. This is lazy. INCREDIBLY lazy. I have not seen Frozen yet myself, but skimming this poorly-written mess, it looks like you're just changing a few names here and there and calling it a day. Sloppy. Lazy.
Of course, I could be wrong about that. I'll never know, because your grammar is so terrible I could barely bring myself to click on the first chapter after that utter MESS of a description.
You need an editor. One who has the skills and patience to fix this mess. And you need to learn how to write clearly and use proper grammar.
3906379
...*Starts roasting marshmallows with the flames of rage coming off Moth's head.* You feelin' alright there, mate?
Ahem! Guess I'll do a supremely mini-review here.
Tags? Tags. You know what tags are for, yes? They denote major parts of the story. I don't see any kind of story on this site that can actually be everything you've got up there.
I've seen sad adventures. I've seen comedic crossovers. I've seen tragic tales of romance. I've never see depressing romantic adventures randomly involving crossovers. You see how it gets confusing? A tag points to a very large part of your story.
If your story's gonna be filled with laughs and jokes? That's a Comedy. Is your story going to be quite depressing throughout, interspersed with thoughtful commentary and just heartwrenching sadness? That's Sad. Is your story about a tale that just goes completely wrong somewhere? That's a Tragedy.
Clearly, a story cannot convey the proper feelings of five tags at once. Usually, it can only do two, maybe three tops.
Your description?
Do you have a history of using forums? Because this is what I'd expect from a forum post. You look at the back of a book and you see this, most people would automatically start weeping for the clearly depressing state in which their country's literary library has fallen to. Let's clean it up a bit. Actually, fuck that, let's change it.
Very repetitive, yes, but it gives you a hook. It gets the reader reading the story to see exactly what the hell is going on. Communicative and informative. That's what a description should be.
I doubt this description ties in exactly with your story idea, but your original description doesn't really do all that good a job with informing me of the plot. A description is a plot synopsis that gives the reader either a hook to get them reading, a hint as to what the plot is, or divulges to them some facts of the world. In the end, it gets them interested. I'm not interested.
Get me interested.
3906480
Shure... I'll try my best to make new chapter more interesting! And if I understood right, you want me to change story description?
3906480
...*Starts roasting marshmallows with the flames of rage coming off Steel's head.* You feelin' alright there, mate?
3906521 Yeah, you need to lose about half the tags and, oh, also write it in English that isn't completely broken.
3906532
*Looks up at the fire on his head.*
How'd that get there? I'm actually feeling pretty calm.
3906521
Yeah. It's, well, for a more direct term, illegible. Technically illegible, anyway.
The description is meant to catch someone's eye and give them a bit of understanding as to what the story's going to involve.
The errors in this story are pretty severe, so I assume English either isn't your native language, or you simply aren't adept and experienced enough with it to write within the rules of grammar. The best suggestion I can give for the grammatical errors - plentiful as they are - is that you make a strong effort to learn as much as you can about how the English language works. Take classes, research it, and take it all to heart. Changing the way you write per grammatical rules is hard, but eventually you get used to it, and the payoff (Writing a good story, and writing it well.) can be infinitely valuable to you.
As for the crossover part, from what I've gotten from the comments is that this is a pretty close shave to being a direct copy of the film... that I haven't seen. My simple suggestion would be to not take that route and pave your own path. Crossovers are a tricky business I'm not very educated on, but exact copies with ponified terms and names are always frowned upon.
The description and tags have already been pointed out, and all of their suggestions are correct.
In any case, it seems this is your first story. All I can tell you is not to let the want to write die out, no matter what happens or what people tell you. Unless you deliberately refuse to improve your skills, the only way to write well is to keep doing it, and learn from your mistakes. This current story may be sub-par compared to the standard, but nobody ever started writing perfect.
Here's just two links I dug out from my bookmarks. They might help a bit with the English issues. The auto-reviewer is rudimentary, and you shouldn't put faith in it over an editor (Which I suggest you get, as a priority number one.)
The auto-reviewer.
Capitalization help.
I like this story.
*troll* Ps. That is Rollestia... xD
No offense but... Shure is Sure. Lough is Laugh.
Pwease don't kill me or rage at me?
Probably to Ponyville, Elsa would go?
Not bad actually! Some misspellings here and there, but over all, pretty good.
please continue this story is so interesting and i love how you captured Elsa's personality well. good job
This is good ! Make more please.
derpicdn.net/img/2013/8/24/409199/full.gif
You have a good plot here for a pony version of frozen
4408220
4408279
Thanks. I wrote half of a chapter, and I'll take me much time to finish. I have many tests and that other craps from school and I don't really have time, but after school finish, I'll upload much much sooner. About every third day.
4408484
Okie Dokie Lokie ! Thanks for the reply.
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/329/3/b/creepy_pinkie_pie_by_silverlininggirl-d6vm6qf.png
4408551
Of course!
Thanks for favorite, though!
4408562
Your Welcome My Dear Victim Friend.
Will you ever countinue this? I'm a big Frozen fan, and you haven't made any chapters in a year.