• Member Since 28th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen July 28th

621Chopsuey


Sometimes it’s nice to take a break. Or leave it all behind.

T

A former Royal Guard has reappeared in Canterlot, possessing abilities unnatural to her species. Following her capture, the Twelfth Precinct teams up with Torchwood to uncover the secrets behind her powers.


My contribution to the Winningverse Group's AU Month.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 8 )

Is this "Lightning" that Flash keeps mentioning Lightning Dust or somepony from the Sentry family?

Mother of Celestia, you have grammar! Sweet, sweet grammar! For that alone I felt optimistic coming into the story.

I think your sense of tone needs ALOT of work. Your writing style just doesn't match the tone that should be presented in this story; try to use words that reflect the atmosphere you want to give off. A little imagery helps alot. You also have a tendancy to use too many words when you're writing, and you can end up repeating yourself, or coming off a little redundant. Make sure if you read it back to yourself that it's not too much of a mouthful.

Another serious problem is your occasional tendancy to switch into present tense; I can tell based on the context that you're doing this on purpose. Like Right here:

Seriously, were there not enough unicorns in Canterlot to be spared for something such as this? High Command, I am disappointed.

No. Just no. I get what you're trying to do; You're trying to write your main character's thoughts, and do it with a little personality, and there's no way to make that sentence past-tense without it being awkward, and blah blah blah... The fact that it doesn't work in past-tense isn't an excuse to write it in present-tense! Imagine the story like it's the actual person giving you a personal account of what happened. Would they say something like that? Not unless they a few issues. There's plenty of ways you could say that propperly and still have a little personality: "Needless to say, I was more than dissapointed in High Command." or "I'm still a little pissed off about that... an extra unicorn could have saved us a lot of trouble that day." Yes, that second one is in partial pressent-tense, but it does work. I really shouldn't have to explain how much less awkward it sounds.

This kind of thing happens several times throughout the story. Don't put too much focus on adding extra words in an attempt to create narrative character; there are far better ways to do just that. Your story does have good qualities too. It's vaguely interresting, and the characters are at least a little entertaining. Except Flash... It's hard to forgive you for using Flash as a character. Still, I suggest you keep writing and work to improve your work.

Your Rating: :ajsmug:

If you don't know, I'm part of a feature called Weekly Watch. This week I'm watching The Cloud Kicker Fan Club and Winningverse Group, so that's why you're getting a review from me. No offense was in any way intentional; all I want is to help the denizens of this website to improve. Your rating, and others, will appear in a results thread later this week. Hope to see you there!

3739515 Like I said at the end of the chapter, I always desire feedback from my readers. Thanks a million for the in-depth review! I'll be sure to check out the WW soon.

3742369 That wasn't in-depth. :rainbowlaugh: I actually thought it was a bit lazy. Still, I hope it helped. :twilightsmile:

3745431 My friend, any help is a great help. Thank you, again. :moustache:

Okay, this has been cancelled. Why not try a FlashCloud Romance? A simple one, just to see how they would get along. There are a lot of nasty rumors flying around about both of them, they could find comfort in each other, right?

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