Theorangefox
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this is second person, not first.
first person is 'I' and 'Me'
second person is 'You' and 'we'
third person is 'them' and 'they'
hmmmm another fanfic based on a song? there goes my next half hour
the use of "you" is called second person, not first person
Uhh I'm no grammar expert but I have to agree to the above commits.
Also pony on pony is kinda boring. Haha...ha.
So many run-on sentences! Good grief.
imguploader.info/?dm=NT5X
Random spell is random
And once again, it is proven that after reading clop i can't stop laughing.
Twilight is not amused
you should make a chapter showing what happened after the "incident"
First thought in Twilights mind "RAPE???"
311286 I'm sure you'd have a pretty hard time, explaining to Twilight about the 'mess'
311858 but thats what would make it FUNNY
311858
But it would be very nice!
If you don't mind writing it that is...
312127 I'll think about it :P
awesome clopfic
but what happened next?
312145 It's a cliffhanger! :P
I personally thought that this fic was OK. IN MY OPINION, I find that the key to a good 2nd person fic is to have as little "You [verb]" sentences as possible. For example:
"You relentlessly peel your eyes upon, under the heavy crusts of sleep. Slowly you wait for your blurry vision to focus, as you slide the covers off you. You drag your hooves out of the bed, and climb down onto the floor. As you leave your room, the familiar sounds of the morning start to fade in, the chirping birds, the gentle rustle of leaves blowing around outside, and the faint sounds of other ponies, and little foals getting ready for school."
...can be turned into (plus grammar connections):
"Your eyes relentlessly open under the heavy crusts of sleep. You patiently wait for your blurry vision to focus, slowly sliding the covers off of the bed. Dragging yourself out of bed, and stumbling onto your hooves, the familiar sounds of the morning start to fade in as you leave the bedroom: the chirping birds, the gentle rustle of leaves blowing around outside, and the faint sounds of foals getting ready for school and older ponies getting ready for work."
There, that took 5 "You [verb]" phrases down to 2. Again, opinion.
Other than opinion, the phrase "She starts to get hot, and make horny noises." is bland, un-descriptive, and it took me out of the moment. Did she get temperately hot? Did she get a sudden fever? What constitutes as a "horny noise"? Are they moans; are the noises muffled? The answers help paint a better picture.
I hope you don't think I'm bashing, I just want to help you to make a better story.
314812 No this really helps a lot. I'm glad you broke it down, I do agree I need to be better at writing. My skills are a little lame. Especially around grammar. Makes me wish I'd taken english a little more seriously! :P
Now that I think about it, that phrase
"She starts to get hot, and make horny noises."
could have been changed to
"Her body temperature starts to rise excitedly, as she feels the powerful hormonal influences of lust, which cause her to exert moans of arousal"
meh I dunno
SO MANY, UNNECCESSARY COMMAS.
And I'm only, one paragraph in.
Okay, I'm going, to read it now.
"a short breakfast leads, to the regular checking"
Are you doing this on purpose?!
How am I meant to enjoy a clop when my OCD-prone mind screams at me every twelve words? ;~;
What is this? Rape? Actually... I guess it's consensual
Well, I finished it now. The end was kinda like "oh shit"
321957 It was a mix of both I guess :P
337559 Thank you so much!
Hmm Not sure if stupid or insanly erotic...
Insanly erotic
342257 Yes it is I guess
342345 oh~~ man things keep getting better and better ohhhh~~~~
342345 well another satifing clop fic....i can say this is more than satisfing
Just noticed something. She licked his face? I get the fact that she is psycho sex freak but REALLY?! I LOVE IT!!!! BWAHAHAHA- ahem. Sorry bout tha.
i believe their should be a epilogue. also haven't you thought about maybe this is that memorie from a week ago becuase of his sudden change in view of twilight when he shows up. it will explain it. maybe twilight locked that memorie away. his body will still remember it though so thats why he suddenly is atracted to her. but still epilogue and maybe some more clop
411770 I'll think about it. You've given me a few ideas!
413325 i tend to do that to people (give them ideas for stories)
413325 so is there going to be that epilogue?
492411 still deciding. I've got lots of other clopfics to work on!
492596 ok then good luck with the clopfics (i dont know why that feels so weird saying that)
omg, im becoming a grammer nazi, these entire area (first one i noticed so far) is torturing me
The only problem is, is that you barely know what could happen, this is her problem after all. You’re an earth pony, and you don’t know anything, about controlling magic. You eventually shrug your shoulders at her, what’s the worst that could happen? Everybody takes risks these days.
mistake in grammer, and everybody? fuck you
492596>>413325 how is the clopfic's cuming along? (look at coming
)
741292 I'm taking a break for a while, I don't have the same motive I used to!
741304 *cracks knukles and puts a baseball cap saying "Ideas? bitch please I got 50!"* might as well do what i do best... GIVE AUTHOR'S IDEAS FOR STORYS!
Need any help with ideas?
741316 it's not so much the ideas, it's just my descriptions of the clop scenes seem rather bland and repetitive nowadays!
741325 then simply mix it up then. go into teritorys you never did before to see if you are good at them. also it might seem cliché but imagine it is you if it is a male. it SHOULD allow you to get more imagery. also why not try out a non-clop or not all about clop story? see if you are good at it. after all a story is not just about clop. try it out.
741338 yeah thanks!
741340 i am wondering why you just write clop anyway?
741385 I'm bad at writing fiction in general.
741395 ah. seems legit. ok then. well take a break and look at successful clop-fics and see if based on what you read what needs to be added,changed,etc.
That ending man... Sucks being you! Oh ,wait...
Epilogue?
752561 that would be the idea that i tossed to him in the first place. (see comments WAY back)
741395so how are the stories coming? also are you still thinking about writing a epilogue for this story?
782609 Not yet.