Rarity Plays Dress Up

PhoKingAzn #1 · Apr 19th, 2012 · · ·

Congrats on publishing your friends book:
Well since no one commented yet i guess i will.
I find the description, like, beyond broad.
To some people, yes, it makes it more mysterious.
But for me, i find it like unpatience.
But i like the story anyhow.
Good format, looking forward to some more

Sorren

Sorren #2 · Apr 19th, 2012 · · ·

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Pretty good. And your writing is mostly correct. Just one pointer

“Sweetie, Belle, shh! Your sister will hear!” Cautioned Scootaloo.
^That senence. for quotations like that. Treat an exclaimation mark or question mark as if it were a comma. So Cautioned would have a lowercase 'c'

EpicGuy

EpicGuy #3 · Apr 20th, 2012 · · ·

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I'm intrigued, just from the description.

I like me some Mature stuff, so I'll give it a go and edit this when I finish.

Fanskapet

Fanskapet #4 · Apr 20th, 2012 · · ·

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is interesting so far but uh why cant your friend publish this?

The Young and Free Dragon

The Young and Free Dragon #5 · Apr 20th, 2012 · · ·

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474215

I mentioned it at the bottom of the story. He doesn't have internet access.

Rex Ivan

Rex Ivan #6 · Apr 24th, 2012 · · ·

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Constructive criticism on researching your subject:

I have a problem with this, and it's on a technical level. I was in the medical field for a several years, so this sort of thing bothers me when I see it. If a patient comes in to the emergency room with slightly more than 30% of their body burned with 3rd degree burns, then it is treated as a major emergency. If a patient shows up with over 60% of their body covered in 3rd degree burns, then it is expected that they will not live very long. There have been VERY rare cases where patients survived 100% burns, but that has the same odds of winning the lottery and then being struck by lightning.

You see the problem that most people don't consider is that burns penetrate the body. A severe burn on the skin would likely extend below it too. If you have a 3rd degree burn over your chest, then the doctors will be worrying about what sort of damage your heart, lungs, and other internal organs have sustained. The digestive system is far worse for reasons of getting infected, which it often does in the case of very severe burns (it is, after all, filled with all sorts of bacteria, that, if they were to get into the blood, could turn your entire body septic). A patient with 3rd degree burns over their entire body wouldn't be able to use their limbs properly due to damage to the joints and ligaments. The knees and elbows would likely be fused into a horrible locked position.

I know what you were trying to go for in this story. Fact of the matter is, a patient like Rarity would not have survived past a week. I suggest changing her condition to something along the lines of "burns over 50% to 60% of her body". That would give you the effect you want, and still have it be medically possible for her to survive a year long coma. However, that brings up another problem: pain. If a body IS actually burned on 100% of the surface area, then there is a good chance the pain nerve endings will be destroyed entirely, and no pain will be felt. However, if it is less than 100%, then the area around the burned surface (not inside the burn itself, mind you, but only the area outlining the burned area) will feel like it is constantly on fire until it heals properly. If the burn is severe enough, it can last months, and if it is encapsulated in areas of the body (like partially damaged nerves deep down in the muscles) then it's possible the pain can last for years (although it will get significantly less severe with time). This can be controlled by painkillers, but the dosage has to be kept up, and sometimes has to be pretty heavy. You didn't mention a thing about pain in this story. I just chalked that up to Rarity being drugged up on pain meds, though.

However, in a 3rd degree burn victim of this caliber, the doctors would most likely have wanted to do skin graphs on her. The skin prevents infection and preserves the water of the body, and it is vital to keep it intact for the survival of the patient. It is likely that, after so long, Rarity would wake up to have a few patches of her coat replaced in odd blocky segments. Or at the very least she would be covered in bandages soaked in some kind of cream or antiseptic. (Thinking about it that way makes me imagine her being a bit more ghastly than with just the burn itself.)

That was what bothered me about this story, not that it was made, but that it was inaccurate. Have your friend check what has been written and correct it accordingly. This could be an interesting story if done right.

The Young and Free Dragon

The Young and Free Dragon #7 · Apr 24th, 2012 · · ·

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491989

I'll talk to him and see what he wants to do. Thank you for the suggestions, and explanations, as well as being civil about what bothered you. Much appreciated.