• Member Since 24th Nov, 2013
  • offline last seen Oct 9th, 2015

BiriSpark


T

Twilight tries to show her love for Fluttershy by showing how she can trust her to take care of her cottage while she's away.

First of all, this is my first attempt at a fan fiction so don't expect anything that great.

Also, this is pre- princess Twilight to avoid any confusion.

I look forward to your responses ^^

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 22 )

I liked it. Though the wording could have been better in some parts.

3563604

Yeah, I felt that way too. No matter how much I changed it, it still sounded a little off to me. I suppose it might get better over time. Still thanks for liking it :twilightsmile:

Not bad, I could find some mistakes like your instead of you're or someone and hand instead of somepony and hoof respectively. Oh, and try not to use the character's names much! :twilightsmile:
Other than that, great story! Although they moved a bit too fast :twilightsheepish:

3565879
Ugh, I'm so bad at proofreading my work. I went and tried to correct those mistakes. It's so easy to slip on some of the simple stuff like the "somepony" instead of "someone" rule. Thank you for your input! :twilightsmile: And I'm hoping to make my next one a little more planned out and longer. This one was kind of thought up as I went along so it's kind of sloppy.

3566222 Do not worry, I usually think as I write as well, I just think the main plot before starting to write :twilightsmile:

Not bad. The present tense was a bit irritating for me, but that's just me.

As captain of the TwiShy ship, I thank you and welcome you to the ship.

<3 DarqFox

Although I spotted a few punctuation mistakes and some inconsistent verb tense... this is still one of the cutest Twishy stories I've ever read. :yay:

I like the story but I feel a tad conflicted. I like them having their little sweet little realization and make out session, but the mutual love factor is used a bit too much for these types of stories. This is one of the better uses of that factor though, some writers I've read have it come out of nowhere. I will say that it was cute enough to make me not care so much about that.

Great story just didn't like the present tense but thats me :pinkiehappy:

3565879 OMG do you have LUS Stranger?

I quote from Ezn's guide (This guide is pretty much the god of fan fiction over us)

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome

The syndrome
When writing, it’s important to keep things interesting and avoid word repetition. However, some writers, being a little overeager to do the latter, like to substitute the names of their characters with little descriptive phrases whenever they feel like they’re repeating character names too much.

Just remember the golden rule:
If a character has a name, call them by it as often as possible.

3567919
Yeah, I kind of didn't want to do the mutual love thing. After making this I really regret not planning out the events more. I did so much jumping around, it was a mess. In the end I just went with the easy route and had it be a mutual love. I hope to make my next story a little more involved and complex.

3568034 "latter" its "later" :twilightsheepish:
And, nah, repeating the name too often makes me lose interest a bit, it should be avoided. :duck:

3568850 seriously later makes no sense.
latter means this

occurring or situated nearer to the end of something than to the beginning

hehe
Anyway I'm more used to the names we really already know who Twilight is, we don't need to be reminded that she's a Lavender Unicorn. in fact it can make us even more confused if there was another lavender unicorn in the story:pinkiehappy:
Case closed

3570145 Nope, its easier and less confusing! :twilightsmile:

3570145

Well in my opinion I like using the name, even if it's excessive. I don't want the reader to be confused who's thinking or talking. But of course I sometimes try to spice it up with descriptive wording instead of names.

3570358 glad to see someone agree

3568102

Looking forward to it. I hope you do a good job and if not well you are learning. Just keep writing. :pinkiehappy:

hnnng my hart is acing and it is a good ace. from the moment Flutters come back i cold not ignore the hardtack of cuteness i keep feeling this was just to cute. :yay: :heart: :twilightsmile:

Just putting this out there,but..I totally didn't PinkiePie-bounce around my room clutching my iPad (when I got to the part where it becomes clear that Fluttershy feels the same way) and wake up everyone in my house at 11:41 pm,or anything...:twilightblush:

Great Story as an absolut fan of TwiShy this is absolutly perfect although it took me some time to get to it to read it :twilightsheepish: to be hnest i think around 1 1/2 years or so ...

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