- Member Since 25th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Dec 20th, 2021
SUPERCHARGER2001
I love music, I love playing music, and I love certain aspects of life.
SUPERCHARGER2001
Joined 25th Sep, 2013 ·
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Not bad my friend, not bad at all
. This is was a very good read, and has earned a favorite from me
3502049
Yeah
I'm really happy you like it!
Um... I'd give this story a look but your description just confused me too much, not just in content but in actual structure. What is
supposed to mean? Not trying to be rude, but just read that sentence out loud and tell me it makes sense. If that's a reflection of how the story is written, then... Well... You should at least try to make the description coherent...
Just saying...
3503537
Yeah that one irked me too.
I remember that little bit specifically because I was supposed to fix that son of a bitch.
Anyway's thank you and well, I hope at least you liked the story and if you didn't then. All the power to you, friend.
Well... holy shit, dude. Da funk!? Jeez, that was some hardcore shit! Great work!
Ohhhh, Spike just got bitch-slapped
The song I was listening to fit pretty well in this, too. Weird.
Sooo, here's a joke: Did you hear about the drug-addict who's writing a book?
In it, the hero gets the heroine (Heroin)
3503537
Look, you must realize that I finished the editing the story at 9:00 AM and I haven't slept the whole night. Staying up for 22 hours does hurt and can make me delirious to what I was doing.
Man I was running on fumes when I did that description. So I will fix it because now that I'm awake and full coherent. I see it as kind of patchy, so I'll fix it real nice and you can decide if you still want to read the story or not.
Fuck dude, I don't know what you are thinking. So really, just do what you feel is right and I'll do what I gotta do.
Message me if you want and as always;
All the best, friend.
The emotional impact was pretty solid, but the word choices were off in several places (inflectious? I think you meant infectious.) The inflections that you put in there were off too, sometimes... at the moment, not really up for doing a full redlining, but it could use an editing pass. It'd also help to maybe get into what made her go down this path; Twi, of all ponies, should know what it'll do to her.
Ultimately, at this point, it kinda reads like an after-school special, but I can see the effort behind it too.
3503583
Awe fuck, it was the damn microsoft word spell check that made it "inflectious" and not "infectious" so my entire fault on that.
Though I'm glad you read the story, does it suck that bad?
3503583
Nah, man. Did you read the authors note.
If this does get peoples attention decent enough. I will add another story that follows as a prequel to these events.
I have a plan laid out already, I just need people's blessing that this story is okay to continue on with. Because I don't want to waste time making something that people don't get or appreciate it.
Oh and where was inflectious. Son of a bitch won't let me find the bloody word. Where is it exactly please?
3503618
Actually, that was my bad - it was actually "inflectional slime," not "inflectious slime."
And no, it didn't suck, it just needs a good old-fashioned beta-read from somebody who's willing to go through and do the editing work. Every story needs that. I've seen professionally published books that still had typos go through, this isn't half as bad as some of the stuff I've been subjected to.
i know that feel.
good story. it could use some editing, but you clearly know what you're doing when it comes to writing grimdark.
3503567
HAHA! Awesome, dude! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Yeah the hero that has the 'heroine' as its title always irked me and made grin a little.
Glad I did my job and entertained you all pretty well, considering the kind of story and subject it is.
Don't read my first story though, unless you already did. Because that still needs a lot of work!
3503793
Thanks for the support dude. I do feel that making the prequel sits right with my stomach. I mean in retrospect, making the beginning to the fall of Twilight Sparkle to addiction was a fantasy I always dreamed of. But I created this little bit to see what people's reactions were.
So in hindsight, thank you and you got my respect.
Thanks again and as always;
All the best and have yourself a good one.
3503837 I sometimes have a somewhat dark sense of humor.
But remember, you asked me to read your first story?
I didn't think it was bad; you should see some of the shat I've read.
And while this could use some editing... what story doesn't?
Nice work friend. Hope to see more from you.
3503854
Hey thanks for the support, and I was just asking about the first story because I knew you read the first chapter but I was afraid you read the whole thing. Though it has vision and people like it for the pacing. It was my first attempt at writing and so everyone thought the sentence structure and grammar was dead awful.
Thanks once more, man I don't know how many times I can say thank you but thank you, thank you and thank you!
As to I for you, my friend. As too I, for you.
Also. Please, please make another comedy. You don't know how many times I look at your accounts page and feel
because there is nothing overtly funny and silly like that grammar story. Damn, I still tingle with pleasure when I see it.
Fucking Kayne West!
3503896
It was my first attempt at writing
Dude! No need to beat yourself up over your first fic!
If you dislike it so, then rewrite it! This shows you have more than the skills necessary!
Ahh! Well, if you want me to write another mindless comedy, then fine, I'll try to come up with ideas tomorrow at school.
But I've finally found how to start In utter Darkness (A story that I've been mulling over for months) and I want to get the first chapter finished so bad! I'm so close!
BUT! While I wait for the cover art to finish, I'll try to think of an idea for another comedy.
Any preferences? Or anything you want me to write in my random way?
P.S. I added Kanye West in at the last second, 'cause I thought it wasn't random enough
3503959
What's your new story about? Is it action/fantasy/adventure style? What influences you used.
Oh and that story. My first story I mean, it has its moments and I would love to edit it. But I got someone already editing thing piece by piece. So hopefully one day, I can finally make that trilogy I've always wanted.
Oh yes, the new comedy your thinking of making. It should be totally on you, I mean not you. But all your ideas, because firstly I wouldn't know what to add and secondly. Your idea of funny will always explode mine to the dirt.
If you want my suggestion. Try adding in preferences of George Milton and Lenny Smalls. Yep. That must sound very, very alien to you when I just mentioned that. But if you read the story "Of Mice And Men" you'll understand where I'm going with that.
Other than that. Do it the way you feel is funny and remember to have fun with it.
Thanks and as always;
All the best.
great story! my only question though is how would a small black zipper bag cost 15 bits? that's kind of expensive right?
anyway I'm not strong with drugs, my method of fucking up MLP is having them killed instead... I don't know which one is more merciful.
got hooked mostly because I like to explore how the drug affects the person in a way you'd understand as if you were taking it yourself. excellent execution.
also,... Tartarus? what... I don't remember twilight or spike using that word for a cuss substitute...
3504473
Tartarus means "hell" in MLP terms.
If you watched an episode. Twilight discusses something about this dog called Cerberus guarding this one place called Tartarus or something I believe.
Look either way.
Its considered by a lot of people as the word "Hell" in MLP's universe.
Plus man. Thanks for giving the story a shot, I appreciate that the most and I'm glad you gave it a chance.
Hope I don't disappoint in the future.
Let's go motherfucker.
Alright, pretty good, some grammatical errors that don't detract from the story, you seem to have difficulty speaking "through" a character, at least making it seem natural, but otherwise very nice.
3505248
Oh, is it the character's wording that makes it sound off?
Really I was trying to go for a mean yet determined Spike while Twilight was the droopy, lazy, unforgiving, hopeless one.
That's why there is a lot of cusses and among other things?
Would you mind telling me the problem exactly?
I am currently reviewing this fic. Expect your anus to be devastated in a few hours.
3505359 It's not twilight, spike yes, and dash. As for stating, the problem, I kinda can't. I'm on my phone.
Suffice to say, it isn't how the characters themselves would word the sentences. Given the way it is, it sounds stilted and awkward.
3505679
Oh I know the problems for reviewing one of my stories, no problem there.
Just look at the comments on my first story.
Let me guess? Your going to be harsh, because you like too?
3506019
Alright, fair. I get it, man.
The text whenever I make a story, honestly. Is always off the cuff and I hardly think of something to go there except the odd occasion in my stories. Because I'm always happy with what I put, however. It seems I was wrong, right?
You think I need a editor?
3506328 wouldn't hurt
"No! twilight my love dont do it man!"
"its t-to late! The juice is loose!"
"Nooo!"
well now that is out of the way....
Well to start... This was a really good story
I like the pacing the strugle of addiction and Spikes ragequit. My dad was an addict (Ironically Heroin) so this story kinda brought back dark moments.... but hell its the dark group, I embrace it 
All in all the fic was well put together and well you made my day, err night lol....well morning?
Good job man!
Oh and spikes a little bitch that got bitch slapped verbally.
The story concept is good.
The execution, however, is poor. Extremely poor. You should spend a lot more time fixing your errors before publishing.
Be aware that I do not take gloves when editing stories, because I want them to be awesome when I'm finished with them.
Don't read this post if you can't take it like a man and fix your errors, otherwise you're going to be butthurt. A lot.
You've been warned.
Oh, and:
No, I'm going to be harsh because you need it to get better.
Why is there a secondary title that isn't even the same as the chapter's actual title on the website?
Remove it or correct it.
And, usually, it's better to have it centered or something if you leave a title at the top of the chapter. It's more beautiful.
At the start of the thought paragraph:
At the end of it:
You see it?
The punctuation is different.
That's because you wrote the first in MS Word / Open Office / Libre Office / G docs. Well, I'm not sure about the last 3, but I know it happens with Word: the character used for ' is different than on the site. So you have to be careful and use those from your local text editor all the time. Otherwise it may look ugly.
Needs a bit more punctuation. Add a comma after "Pinkie Pie" at least.
Remove the "had".
Replace "has" by "had".
Add a comma after diet plan and reformulate a bit. Your sentences are too straightforward, without any pauses. Sometimes they don't feel natural.
Example:
"begun", "slowly" and "as the days lofted by" all say the same thing.
It's not essentially bad but the repetition is too much here. Try something like this instead.
Needs a comma after Cautiously. Also, what the what? "and the question of curiosity". What do you mean by that? Has anyone ever been as far as want to do go look more like?
Maybe you should replace that by "and questioned their curiosity".
Still completely unnatural because it lacks a little punctuation. Put a comma after "gold" and ta-dah! It's almost good to go!
The last problem about this sentence is "in seclusion". She can't race in seclusion, that doesn't make any sense. However, she can "race back to her house and seclude herself".
This makes no sense at all. You must entirely reformulate it.
"wasn't until recently" doesn't go well with "had since" at all.
"closed all signs of life" doesnt mean anything. You close doors and shutters, not signs of life.
That's ugly. You should reformulate a few things. Example:
Still lacks punctuation. Add a comma after "soon". And maybe one after "them", if you want to.
Also, replace "nearly" by "even".
"Had", not "has". Keep the tenses consistent. It's very important.
Lacks a comma after "discussions". This sentence also feels unnatural.
Which scabs? You didn't talk about scabs beforehand. "The" is not the word you should use. Also, the sentence is badly formulated. Instead, say something like this:
As for this:
It doesn't mean anything, while "change" lacks a D.
Okay, and now remove the unnecessary words and your sentence means:
See the problem here?
But it's not the only one.
This is terribly formulated. Terribly, terribly formulated. I get what you mean, but it's not correct at all.
Example of a correct sentence:
Remove the "/hers". It is unnecessary.
Reformulate this. It's wrong.
Example:
She does not feel anything yet.
Correct:
Everything is wrong here. "From lightning speed to frantically insane" doesn't mean anything, and it lacks words or punctuation.
Better:
No. It's " a while".
Lacks a comma in the middle.
Her conscious NESS.
Instead of what?
Oh, right, instead of NOTHING. You didn't say anything in the previous sentence.
Remove that "Instead" and reformulate the sentence.
What the what. A case that speaks no further than a moral importance? Has anyone ever been as far...
Once again, this doesn't mean anything. Reformulate it so it has a meaning.
This flashback feels out of place because you already have started talking about the casing in the previous paragraph.
You need to change the structure and put everything from "She had..." to "a simple goodbye" in the same paragraph.
Everything is wrong once again. Ya-hoo.
"it was"? No. It had been.
And if you cut the useless words, you get: "it kept her delicate contents intact". Really? Twilight has her internal organs in a box?
Also, it lacks a comma after "snarling Spike".
This sentence seems strange, but whatever. It might pass for some kind of convoluted olde englysh.
"preparing" with a lowercase P. You didn't start a new sentence.
And preparing for the event isn't a tactic for anything. It's a task. No more.
No, no and no. It's wrong, everything is upside down.
Correct:
Is it a sentient syringe? NO.
It marveled HER out.
"and it pulled", since you add "her" before.
What?
"and... and"
When you see that, it's time to split it in 2 sentences.
"were of"? No. Were, the end.
And "thing... thing" is redundant. Change it so it doesn't appear twice.
Unless you're going to use it as a personification, don't put an uppercase letter.
There is only one side?
No.
Add an S.
Displayed onto? No. Displayed, or applied onto. Make a choice.
An opiate can't be humble unless it's personified, and this piece of sentence doesn't mean anything when put with the rest. Remove it or reformulate it.
Cut the useless words and you have: "Six bags glowed inside them". They glow inside themselves, really?
Reformulate the sentence so it's the heroine that glows and not the bags.
She who? You haven't mentioned "Twilight" in more than five paragraphs.
You can't decide which color your cheeks takes. Reformulate it so it doesn't look like she controls her body's color.
"politely limited the space". Okay, whatever, you can limit space politely now. It sounds weird but at least it's not incorrect. You might want to change it though.
"limited the space between the middle of her left thigh", huh?
Well, answer that question then: what is the difference between a pigeon?
Same problem with your sentence.
To build entire sentences with a keyboard.
No apostrophe there, and it's better to say "as when she learned things" anyway.
Also, you need a comma.
Augh. The horror.
Change that into something like:
Why? Explain. It has no sense otherwise.
One too many, with 2 O.
According to what you said, she transformed her veins into fruits.
Metaphors: you're doing it wrong.
No sense, once again.
Soooo... She forgot to make a mistake? Yeah, not really. Reformulate that.
"bloody", not blooding.
Sentient homemade soup, Twilight's best friend.
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw8269-93c.gif
"of", not "with".
Spike and her, not her and Spike. It's rude.
"on Sundays", not on a Sunday. It didn't happen only once.
What party? We don't know. Suddenly, mystery! *whoosh*
It's lame. Explain what happened, even briefly, or don't mention it.
Also, it needs commas.
No.
Better:
Pingas.
That's all I have to say.
It looks like the true druggie isn't Twilight, sometimes.
The goggles, they do nothing!
That ends with a "?", even if there's a said tag afterwards.
"off of his comfort zone". Otherwise it doesn't mean anything.
Yeah what? These dialogues are so illogical...
"your". Blargh.
"Go read something unimportant". Okay, I'm going to read the cereal box then.
"steadily" and "by the minute" indicate the same thing. Pick one and erase the other.
You need an uppercase letter there.
With this sentence, you indicate that "memory Twilight" is a thing. Did Hasbro and Sony sign a contract in order to replace their Memory Sticks with Memory Twilights? No.
Add a comma after "memory".
To her, or in her direction. Not to her direction.
Lacks commas. And your use of "now" is mostly incorrect, as well as the tenses you use sometimes, it's really annoying.
All these sentences you're showing me feel like some kind of horrible patchwork only Google Translate could produce. The verbs aren't used correctly, some words are in the wrong place...
Correct:
Comma at the end of the quote, not dot.
To liquidate: (1) : to determine by agreement or by litigation the precise amount of (indebtedness, damages, or accounts) (2) : to determine the liabilities and apportion assets toward discharging the indebtedness of
Evidential: having the probatory value of evidence.
Reprisal: the act or practice in international law of resorting to force short of war in retaliation for damage or loss suffered
Meaning of the sentence: the heroin determined enough debts to prove there was an act of legal retaliation.
Conclusion: this sentence means nothing at all, and no one in the world could understand what you meant by that! Congratulations!
Now erase it and write something else to explain what you wanted to say.
You cultivate cabbage fields, not canvases. Change that.
Short sentence: No one could have predicted it, even from parts of their minds, that they couldn't have anticipated her as a drug addict.
So they can't predict that they can't predict.
Yo dawg, I herd u like can't predict so i put can't predict in your can't predict so you can't predict that you can't predict.
Erase that horrid thing and put an actual sentence in its stead.
Boom revelation: she's already dead.
Oh, right, lethal means deadly.
Don't use words if you don't know what they mean.
The tenses, goddammit! The previous sentence was different. You're switching all the time, it's awful.
Once again, there's too much "and" in this sentence.
"She... She..." etc. Still too much of the same thing. Yet it could be easily fixed. Start the next sentence with "After having fixed her posture, she dropped..." and wow, it's not ugly anymore!
Sorry, doesn't mean anything. Try again.
And it was task. The end, forever and ever.
This somehow reminds me of "how is babby formed".
And now the tube is inside her skin. Change this.
"implanted"? No. Find another word. This is not appropriate.
"by", not "to".
Meaning: her legs and arms vibrated strongly enough to create a slight cold breeze swooning through the room. Wrong. Change this.
And I, soon, will be one with Prozac if this fic doesn't end quickly.
Lacks a comma after "clouds". Because of that the sentence has no sense. Try again.
Either you put that in thoughts or you get rid of that "this mare". It's a character's expression, not a correct narrative.
Is it bits or dollars? You have to decide.
Celestia knew Twilight lied, but she gave her money nonetheless and didn't care about her student's well-being. Well done, asshole monarch!
Also, wrong tense on "can".
What's up is too familiar for a story.
Write "what was up" or don't write.
I who? The author doesn't speak to the readers. Erase this.
See previous comment. "Come on" is an injunction addressed to the reader, and as such, should not exist.
"like Rarity" DOT. The rest of the sentence doesn't make any sense because it's not properly linked to the first part.
It appears that Syringe is still a sentient being. I guess she's good friends with Homemade Soup.
Everything after the comma is useless. And, even if you decide to keep it, it has to be separated from the rest with a dot, because it simply does not work the way it is now.
In. In the air.
imagined herself*
Depressed*
Now = present
looked = past
Not compatible.
I just... Change this. Now.
And if Twilight ever got overworked, NOTHING. Rrrright. It totally doesn't feel like a sentence that you didn't finish.
"shit" is not a word proper authors use in the narrative, except when the narrator is a character (hint: that is not your case); and it's gotten, not got.
What does my fucking high has to do with this?
Oh right, you mean "You're".
Spike's thought process when confronted with burned spoons: what the hell is this?
Spike's thought process when confronted to someone who goes to the bathroom: it's a drug addict!
Personally I would have thought that Twilight had diarrhea, if I had to be this stupid.
Oh hey, Heroin is still sentient. I bet she'll be BFFs with Syringe and Homemade Soup.
You're. God dammit.
There can only be one. Either it's nothing but, or it's only.
Pounce ON.
And now, we learn that Twilight was a wooden puppet all along!
If you want to express the idea that she sees termites, say it beforehand. Otherwise it's impossible for the reader to understand what happens. I thought it was just another failed metaphor when in fact, this sentence is about an hallucination that you described in an earlier draft and then partially erased. So what's left is not logical. Fix it and either talk about her hallucinations again or remove this sentence.
That means "bending". And you're using it twice in a row. Delete both. It's not what you mean and it's redundant.
God-dammit. No!
It's soon, or it's now. Not both! You can't do things in the future and in the present at the same time!
Which thing?
Nope. Doesn't mean anything. You can muster your strength or search for it, but not endure it.
vividly: having the appearance of vigorous life or freshness. More or less. It's also about colors and other things, but the fact is: you can't vividly do things. It is not a valid adjective in this case. Attentively, however, is perfectly fine.
relive = resurrection.
You mean relief.
It applies to earlier uses of this expression, but at this point in the fic I'm not sure if you mean "the love of her life" or "the way she loves life".
Inconsistent tenses once again. Stick to one, for god's sake.
Needs an uppercase letter.
Describe instead of resorting to lazy expressions such as " and everything".
If you do that once, why not also do that for the rest of the story? If that was the case, we'd get: "Twilight did drugs and everything, the end." Abolustely fantastic story, don't you agree?
This comma shouldn't be here. Move it in a place where it has to be, for example everywhere else in your fic...
My lying? How? That's not true!
You're*.
Also, she needs an uppercase letter.
Is it the story of Che Guevara who wants to kill the 101 dalmatians or what? Guerrilla and Cruella can't be mixed like that. "Gruella" means nothing.
Furthermore, describing a dialogue as "guerrilla warfare" is nonsensical. Erase it and describe it with something else.
to you*
Comma instead of dot.
DepressED.
Tell me, do you often ask questions to people and what's up with the weather today?
Add an interrogation point after "her studies" and wow, it works.
Some weird event. That's all you can be bothered to tell us? You missed here the occasion to complete your story with a flashback or a more detailed explanation, but instead, you're telling your readers that they don't deserve to know what happened.
If you like weird events so much, how about I sum up this fic with: "Twilight went through weird events, the end"?
used*
to*
These are basic orthgraphic error that no editor/proofreader should have to see in such a quantity. Next time you publish something, read it, read it again, and then re-read it, and every time, search for mistakes. Otherwise people find your fic pitiful. That's what probably happened to the ones you published before.
She still needs an uppercase letter, as well as a character identity. She's way too vapid for anyone with a defined personality. Make her act more logically instead of going all serious and then silly the next second.
And if I might add, since she knows about drugs and she even used them, how the fuck could she not notice that Twilight was a junkie, even if she only saw her twice in a year?
You're*. Still a problem that certainly earns you most of the hate you get.
Then it isn't that great.
Self-contradiction at its best.
She never seems to get uppercases. Poor Rainbow Dash.
She doesn't get commas either.
Remove that "a", it shouldn't be there.
Falling in love with an uproar? That's new.
She snickered oh so sadly, knowing that her quote wouldn't get the proper punctuation.
Me without an uppercase, and comma instead of dot. As usual.
Still needs a comma.
Call Chuck Norris, someone is using his name too much.
That apostrophe is lost, guide her back to her home.
Short version: The sound didn't cause feelings of pain.
Yes, it is as expected: sound doesn't hurt you.
rutty: full of ruts
ruts: sexual excitement in a mammal
Is this about sex or is it another terribly failed wording? Because we're talking about his relationship with his sister there. Usually it doesn't involve sex.
Past, and then present. AGAIN.
That's about it.
Now fix everything.
3506572
Whoa man. That was a long read.
Alright, I'll start work. But was the story idea okay?
3506846
Your only problem is that you don't spend enough time thinking about how you write things. And, honestly, even though you could use an editor, he can't do all the work you don't do as of now.
An editor's role isn't to correct basic grammatical errors like the confusion between "your" and "you're". He's there to polish the fics, not to rewrite them entirely by himself while someone else takes the credit.
The first thing you need to do, when writing, is to read your own fic at least 5 times. And every time, you must pay attention to anything that would seem wrong. You must put yourself in the mind of the reader and ask yourself, "How could that be better?", "Is that clearly understandable?", "Is that proper grammar?"...
Personally, I've written about 55k words for a fic i've started to imagine (not published at all yet), and I've sometimes re-read entire chapters (5k words) more than 10 times, to be sure that everything was perfect.
You don't need to do that as thoroughly as I do, but I wouldn't advise against it either. Doing it too much is better than not doing it enough.
Of course, it requires time, but if your want your fics to be loved by others, then you need to show these fics love first.
That was... powerful. My jaw hit the floor once I realized what was going on.
Edit: I remember you putting up a thread asking for feedback.
The only feedback I can give you is that you need better editing. You could edit it yourself but if you can I recommend you get others to help. Mainly because, if you get frustrated easily like I do, that'll be one less thing you'll have to worry about. Additionally, sometimes when I write I have the tendency to think that I'm saying something when I haven't properly expressed what it is II was trying to get out. When I edit by myself, I might fill in the blanks yourself and skip over that part without realizing there were errors. You have the same issue. It's also not very easy to properly edit something you've written yourself.
When I edit, I try to use a dictionary to make sure I've spelled words the correct way. I don't know if my grammar's good or not, but I assume it's legible at worst so I don't worry too much about that. I think minus the mental flubs, your grammar's good. Your general writing is okay too, though you've got errors here and there. Ex. mistaken use of your as you're. Your is possession, you're is you are. You'd really piss off the Grammar Nazis. Editors could help with that, too.
That said, I loved the story, I loved the idea, and I loved how you pulled it off.
3506572
Dude I know you are eager to help in succeed in writing and editing this piece. But I got homework man, so? You okay if I do it tomorrow.
Very interesting. You have put a dark subject in it, very nice. I really enjoyed this, the kind of dark I really like. Based on real life situations instead of those murder fics. Good job.
3508529
It is up to you to decide. As long as you try to make your fic better some day, I'm okay.
3509934
I might need you next time to edit another one shot I will do in a week or so. Would you want to review again?
3506509
Whoa.
You're dad was an addict?
Was the experience manageable for you?
Don't mean to cause a stir.
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Of course, as long as you try to apply what I wrote here beforehand. You will have to fix the most errors you can by yourself before handing it to me.
Send me an MP when you think your text is ready.
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I'm happy for him.
Nah man, its fine. he sent me away to live with my mom before he got too wrecked, what little sanity he had left was spent on making me happy. the day after Thanksgiving will be his third birthday from being reborn as a clean and drug free man.
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As long as you're happy, dude. Then that's all that matters, you know.
Its actually nice to see he didn't die from heroin. Because once your a heroin addict, its practically near impossible to pull away from its force.
Just look at all the rock stars and musicians that died because of heroin.
Kurt Cobain
Layne Staley
And not to mention the thousands of other people.
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Thats why I think of my dad as more than an average guy. he hasn't even had a drink (Alcohol) in 3 years as well. he is completely clean! and now he's trying to stop smoking. He told me quit smoking was the hardest thing he has ever done... er attempted lol he hasn't quit yet, but hes doing well.
Wow that was really dark it hit me pretty hard you're not half bad at dark fics at all.
I love how you made the story into a more real life situation with drug addiction being introduced in Ponyville and its inhabitants.
A LOT of editing and punctuation fixes should be done and orginization but i'm not gonna bash you on that since i don't write or proofread/edit stories (i want to someday soon) anyway.
Long story short; great dark fic introducing drug addiction and it made me feel the feels, that's how you want your readers to react with a story like this.
Get your self a good editor and some pre readers and you'll bet set for anymore dark fics in the future since you got potential
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Yeah, man. I know the errors. Check the comments below because there is one guy who literally Added all my problems of the fic in his comment. He did his homework on that piece. I’m really lucky he did that because it would have taken me forever to find the errors on my own. I will personally apologize for that since I did it all off the cuff.
My problem with writing is what the guy said. Petit Pony. He told me that my issue is that I don’t take the time to whittle out the errors and refine the text to perfection as it should be. And I totally see that. I’ve always known but I liked the story because it was off the cuff for thinking. Not in grammar, but as a storyline alone.
You don’t know how surprised I was to hear that people thought it was really dark. I just made it when I was sleep deprived on a long weekend from school. I am an avid staying up all night person. I don’t drink or go to parties if you think that. So in retrospect, I know it’s a problem and the reason and I wish I was doing it right now.
That I haven’t edited it at all was because of four factors: I’m lazy, I have another story I am doing. I have school and work. And finally it’s not all in order. My reasons I mean. Some days it’s different. But I’m going to get to it eventually. I should do it now though because people are still reading it and the views are still going up every few days. Pretty much.
All the best, friend.
3641657 Ha im the same type of person that's kind of crazy, yes you writing it of the cuff like that is what i admire the most that is a rare skill.
I caught nearly everything that Petit put in that TL;DR comment my first read through and if you added him as an editor/pre-reader your dislikes would disappear significantly.
Twilight has a crippling heroin addiction and her status as Celestia's prestigeous student and all her potential and talent are thrown out the window not to mention her and Spikes' relationship are nearly destroyed (and rest of mane 6) and you are SURPRISED it's dark?
That was textbook dark my friend! brilliant!!
Oh and just get to the editing whenever you have the time don't feel as if you need to be rushed okay?
3641657 I don't know about editing as that involves sort of polishing the fic you wrote,
but if your looking for someone who can fix all the punctuation and spelling errors i can help.
In HS English class that was my specialty and if i can't be a writer on this site i can at least work to be a pre reader why not start with you?
Pre reading is so much easier, than pasting horse words in an organized story fashion with it being a concept most people will like, since all a pre reader needs is an Eagle eye to spot little mistakes like Petit or me
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Whoa, whoa! Are you suggesting that you would help fix punctuation and grammar errors in my current story (The one you just read). Because that would be so awesome!
I dont mean to take what Petit did and refine it but I mean just like adding commas or adding periods and basically anything with the word punctuation hovering over it.
Of course if you wanted to edit the full raw deal....
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Did you ever come up with new ideas for the untitled comedy. Just wondering man.
3643020 Yeah i have bout half a year of more or less free time before i dedicate myself to a full time job and get my own place or go to college/vocational training, so yeah no reason why i can't spare the time so h.m.u
I will go through and change the punctuation and spelling when and wherever i can, this will be my first official pre read im so excited
This will be a good test to see if i am capable of the task for other authors in the future
3503814 You more or less mastered the style of grimdark or plain dark in general
I love it