When a young teen mare sees the crime around her hometown of Ponyville. She noticed most have given up and decided to give into the darkness, but she won't stand for it.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 28th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Feb 22nd, 2021
Foxes33
Writing is not literacy, but creativity.
Foxes33
Joined 28th Sep, 2013 ·
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a cover art would do you well
3337559 I am no artist, I am planning to storm the internet and find something for my stories.
This is going good, I'm really really interested just by the story's name... I'm wanting to see the rest... I hope you're not like me and takes you a whole month to update XD... You're pretty good at this, it would be nice if you could check my story and share an honest opinion. Anyway this one goes to my fav list
3339003 Thanks, and sure thing. I don't have much to do on weekends anyways.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group Authors Helping Authors (also my first critique, so let's see how this goes!)
Name of Story: Every World Needs a Hero
Grammar Score: 6. There are a few typos and some grammatical errors that appear consistently across all three chapters. There's also quite a few run-on sentences. I'll be more specific in the notes section.
Pros:
The CMC are in character, and their role makes me curious about whether or not they will play a bigger part in the story.
The mention of a name involved in the murders (Thunder) sparks curiosity about whether or not he will play a role as the story's antagonist.
Star's literal role in the story was clever.
Cons:
There's some clunky dialogue that could be fixed with contractions. Ex. 'you will get it eventually' sounds a bit stiff, but 'you'll get it eventually' sounds a little more natural. Kind of a nitpick.
The grammar is a big thing.
I'm not sure about the characterization of Jade. Three chapters in, and I don't have a feel for her character. I can be told that kindness and determination sparkles in her eyes, but I don't get to see very much of it beyond her interactions with the CMC. I also don't see any of her flaws.
Notes:
Well, my honest thoughts are that it needs some work. I might advise applying the rule 'show, don't tell' here. There's a lot of ways you can convey the message that Ponyville's been overrun with crime without even mentioning that it's been overrun with crime. Also, maybe flesh out Jade's character a bit. If she's determined to change things, maybe have her do something that shows her determination before she becomes the hero. As far as a suggestion goes, maybe have her stop a crime?
Now for the grammar. Many of the examples here are present across all three chapters, so these are just a few instances.
Whenever someone's saying something, that period after the string of dialogue (in this case, 'thanks') needs to be a comma.
Same thing here, but 'she' would be in lowercase. When a proper noun, like a name, comes after a string of dialogue, it's capitalized, but he, she, it and the like are lowercase. There are exceptions (ex. "I like parties!" the pink mare laughed means she's saying those words via laughing vs. "I like parties!" The pink mare laughed means she's saying those words and then laughing), but 'she' should be lowercase in this example.
Star has a stomach made out of string? I think this is supposed to be 'strong.'
'Your' needs to be 'you're' here.
This is a bit of a run-on. Non run-on might go something like 'It was a small top. There were four, as she always made sure there was enough for everyone.' The core phrasing is a little awkward, but I'll leave that up to you.
If you don't mind, could you take a peek at my story, Princess? I'd really appreciate it!
There's potential for the story to improve greatly, it just needs a little work. These are my thoughts on the story, and I hope this review was helpful!
I wish you success in your fanfictioning endeavors!
3671852
Thanks, this is one of my older stories, but I will get right on that.
With the spelling errors, yeah I don't have a good spell check. 0~0
CMC will come in later more so, they have future plans in mind.
I am also researching Dialect from reading books from other professional authors. Like I am currently reading Storm Front by Jim Butcher. I also have been even searching while I writing to find good descriptive dialect words. I still have to fix up a lot of my older stories.
Anyways, thanks, this is much appreciated.