Synthveno is an Italian (or Bitalian!) alicorn who moved to Canterlot when he was 5. Now he has to move to Ponyville and try to find his way around.
This is - as I have already said once - my first attempt on a fanfic. Give at a chance - I've already written 4 parts so far, and I intend for it to be WAY bigger. But if you don't like it, I will pack my shit and leave FIMfiction. The cover image is my OC.
P.S. I was inspired to writing this story after reading Dnny99's "My New Life in Equestria" which I read on vacation. I started writing this story on the plane back home. Anyways, I think that's enough gibbering for now. ENJOY! :-)
Chapters (2)
AH! ALICORN OCs!
RUUUUUUUUN!
I'm sorry, I do not like this OC. IN THE SLIGHTEST. Almost as mary-sue as Iceflame but not quite.
3314923>>3314932
Exactly! (Who's Iceflame? An Oxymoron that's a moron?)
3314954
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/69454/iceflames-scootalo
3314965
Ah
More ponies getting butthurt over alicorn OC's. Guys just leave him alone. I would say get a life but most butthurt alicorn OC haters don't have one. Period.
3314985 replygif.net/i/845.gif
3314988
What, do you like this story, Mary Sue?
3314990
Doctor Who reference to a Whovian?
Coincidence? I think not!
Alicorn OC, cliché, nonsenses, yada yada.
Love at first sight with Twilight right in the first chapter is really really bad. The OC is bland, no personnality, no backstory, no reason to even exist at all.
3314993 I havent read yet. But just cause somepony is an alicorn doesnt mean they should be labeled. Everypony deserves a shot at showing who they are and more. So shut the fuck up and leave him be. If it turns out bad it does, but who knows it could turn out to be on the front page. I am really sick of simple minded idiots destroying creativity.
3315003
Is it just me, or does this story remind me of Element of Time?
You know: Alicorn OC, falls in love with Twilight, Gary Stu.
3315008
Nah, most Alicorn OC stories are like this, bland OC falling in love with Twilight/RD/Fluttershy/Luna right from the start.
It's sad really, because an Alicorn story can be done right, you just need to avoid making them self-insert wish-fulfillement, like 99% of the authors does.
3314988
Be mine <3
3315050 I just stand up for the ponies who deserve it.
I seem to have two options here:
#1 Take the Nopetrain to F*ckthatville, abandoning this story.
#2 Offer myself to proofread, edit and help the author become a better author.
Actually, it's up to you. I'd gladly help, because this story is already speeding towards a concrete wall. I really don't want new author's to have that happen to them.
I read the description, AND I FORBID YOU TO LEAVE FIMFICTION BECAUSE OF BAD CRITISCISM!!! (royal canterlock)
Just because of this... story, you can't give up.
You just need to practice.
And I'd love to help.
Whaddaya say?
3315004
There are many things wrong with what you just said.
A clear sign of a Gary Stu/Mary Sue is being the master race, or in this case, an Alicorn.
With 4 dislikes and 0 likes, I think that would be fucking impossible.
"Creativity"
Guys.
I wrote this because I felt like it.
I haven't read any of those stories you bring up in the comments.
I don't know who the fuck Mary Sue or Iceflame is.
I will post chapter 2 NOW. Read it or not, I don't care.
Now I at least have posted a story, and I'm proud, 'cause I really spent a shitload of time on this story.
AND: It will get better - this is just the start. Dnny99's story wasn't perfect in the start either, but I gave it a god damn chance, and now it's my favorite fic.
I'm out. See you next chapter.
3315071
pls hlep me
Everything can't go right from the start, right?
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3315088
3315055
3315114
Now you're just being a dick.
3315096 Sure, let's use PMs to communicate.
(Later, it's nighttime for me)
No.
You have ONE shot to interrest a reader, it's the first chapter. You fail this shot, you fail the story.
Instead of starting the story in the train with the bland OC drooling over Twilight you should have started the story at the start of his journey. You know, to describe the city he lived all his life, to show how he interract with the ponies who raised him, to show us why he feel like leaving them to go to a small backwater town full of Earth ponies. And to explain why an Alicorn ( ROYALTY ) is not a Prince in Canterlot. It's canon, any Alicorn is royalty, you cannot feed a reader nonsenses about that.
3315119
Bitch please! (No, I'm not going to play the video. It'll get old eventually.)
Here's what you need to do! Just don't freak out and reply to the Constructive Criticism saying "Thanks for the Feedback."
3315122
Hell yes! You deserve a brohoof and a follow!
/)
3315021
Ah. I see
EOT is a guilty pleasure for me.
This? Hell no!
3314912>>3314965>>3314988
Guys. All of you. Please pay heed to what I say.
I am not going to defend the author of the story, nor am I going to condemn the fic altogether.
I would just like to say that, having read a lot, and written a lot, I know for sure that every single idea can shine and can be terrible. Don't judge by the cover. If you've read it, I am perfectly all right with any judgement. If you have seen an OC or something and said nope, then... well, maybe you're missing out something. I dunno. Just, remember that all of us, at some point, have opened up Ulysses and thought, "God, there's no... punctuation? How the hell is this... Oh. Oh. Oooooh."
3315358
3315400
It is wonderful that you can express your thoughts with an emoticon. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go and write some good stories to actually contribute something useful to this site.
Cheers!
3315400
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
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3314988
i1149.photobucket.com/albums/o595/moviemaster8510/Hater-1.png
i1149.photobucket.com/albums/o595/moviemaster8510/Nolife.png
dont worry man here...
I'll PM you about you problems and things that should be fixed on your story...
I have become an editor/ proofreader so I can help you with your story
anyways brohoof to you and have a good day :^)
3315678
And to you as well.
3315008 'This'! Just... 'this'...
3315536>>3315512
His mere presence gave me goosebumps.
I come back to this story, suddenly people are flipping tables up down and all around. Guuuys!!
So, what time dose this story take place, before the Summer Sun Celebration? If it is then you may want an AU tag. Also, you may what to change the your OC's immediate fascination with Twilight. Making them just suddenly love each other is not very good in terms of a romance story, I do hope this story gets better because you really don't see too many good alicorn OC's
I'm happily pre-read for you if you want, just send me a message!
3315129
That's not a very nice thing to say. Stop trying to be a critic because you're not a very good one.
What you're giving here is not constructive criticism and we've talked about this in the past. All you're doing is pouring on the butthurt and effectively still trying to make comparisons to Element of Time. Give it up Connor. I said I'm watching you. Don't think for a moment that you're untouchable.
3368308
Who the fuck is Connor?
My real name is Abel.
3368343
I'm not interested in playing games Connor. You're literally on your last chance right now. I've been lenient and forgiving.
Knighty is only a quick message away. Do you want to get banned again?
3368349
That's enough.
3368397
Enough of what Connor? You're the one that's shitting on a story and calling it "constructive criticism" without actually giving anything positive in return. This is returning to your own ways and the more you respond, the more you're making me want to click on that "report" button next to your name.
This is enough. You will take a step back and accept that you're being a douchebag. Then when giving constructive criticism you will actually give constructive criticism which doesn't mean just calling them a "Mary Sue/ Gary Stu" when you mean "Self-insert".
Literally last chance.
3368418
You just keep pulling it up. Umabitch.
You're simply acting like a 3 year old, brining up the same repetitive bullshit that no one fucking cares anymore.
Me: I'm going to try to review a normal crappy story and state my opinion!
You: OH MAH GAWD! YOU SHOULDN'T CRITICIZE THINGS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD!
Me: Shut the fuck up.
When you supposedly found out I was this "Theater Critic" you should have just ignored me! Or you should HELP ME! You should have sent me a message saying "oh, I'll help you with this fanfic! I think you have some good in you."
So, go ahead. Report me. But when I get banned for now reason, I will at least have some dignity in me to stand up against a jacks ass hypocrite.
3368434
No, you keep reacting. There's a difference.
You obviously care. otherwise you wouldn't have responded.
You've never a given a review for any story at all. Your reviews were all one line. "This sucks", "Shitty Alicorn Story", "Worse then the Element of Time". And you had the gall to call that "constructive".
No. Constrructive criticism is when you go over the parts that are bad and give them options to improve. It's where you actually try to help the author by showing where the story is weak and what they could do to fix it. It's pointing out certain plot elements that don't work and then telling them how to make it better. I mean your "review" of the "Pebble and the Penguin" was one line. "There's a penguin and he wants to get a special Kryptonite pebble to another penguin because he loves her" or something like that. What about the rest of the movie? The villain? The overall story arc? No, you gave a one line synopsis of the movie and called it a review.
I'm sure you see it that way but you've always been good at playing the victim haven't you? You don't criticize. You try your best to put the author down. You don't try to help them and you're also the one that is constantly losing his shit. I don't think I've ever yelled at you once, but you've been screaming at me from the sidelines for months now.
And what did I say in my first PM to you? I said I knew who you were without any prompting from anybody else I was able to figure it out. I said I was more than happy to let you exist on this site provided you didn't go back to your old ways. And what happens? You once again start with the same stuff you were doing before. So really, you have nobody else to blame but yourself and your lack of self control.
You're evading a ban. That in and of itself is a bannable offense. And you keep using the word "hypocrite" when you don't even know what it means. It's sad that you still didn't learn your lesson.
So here's the thing. you might get permabanned again this time and I'm sure you're going to come back and try to evade it once again. Please don't give me a reason to find out about this new account or I'll be forced to do the same thing again.
3368479
No, it's you trying to torture me and make my life fucking hell.
On one fanfic, I explained the problems, including what was wrong.
3368479
A hypocrite is someone who tells another person to stop doing something, but the first person does it.
Umabitch: Stop using bad constructive crisitsm!
Then Umabitch does it anyway.
3368495
And I gave you a chance to stay on this site without being reported. What did you do? You ignored it went about your old ways that got you permabanned in the first place. I told you that you needed to clean up your act and stop reacting like a child. You didn't. So you're responsible for your actions.
Yeah, one instance does not undo all the other instances where all you wrote was "this sucks".
In this story alone your comments were:
ALICORN OCs!
What, do you like this story, Mary Sue?
(In response to it gets better) Bitch Please!
And then call that "constructive criticism". If you truly wanted to be constructive you would have actually have said something useful instead of comparing it to the Element of Time.
And yet this is exactly what you're doing. Do you not see the irony in your own words?
You call: "Bitch Please" constructive criticism and when I'm not giving constructive criticism to these stories, like I haven't done so yet, you claim that I am.
There's a difference between commenting on another person's comment and giving constructive criticism. But you'd know this if you actually paid attention.