Can Chrysalis P0n-3 keep his romances all secret? What will happen if Princesses Luna and Celestia find out he's in love with both? Would Spike be jealous of his relationship with Rarity? How angry would Rarity be if she caught him with anypony else? Who is his one true love? Keep reading to find out.
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th09.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2011/080/9/d/i__m_ok_with_this___celestia_by_megasweet-d3c6xx4.png
Jesus, I just threw up in my mouth a little.
All seventeen types of Albanian nope do I give to you.
I added a tag, sorry I didn't have any
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4768-WATTWI.jpg
The cliches are breaking my nope.gif emitters!
the proofreading is so my fic doesn't end up like My Immortal or the ilk rather intentionally or no as far as spelling, punctuation, and grammar go, the story is mine so if you don't like it I respect that, love & tolerance, just wanted to note that I didn't ask anybody their opinion on if they enjoyed reading this, just that the spelling, punctuation, and grammar aren't terrible
3283968 Whats the point in writing if you don't create an interesting and original story? That's like milking cows and throwing the milk away.
Hmm. Looks like your story's off to a rough start rating-wise. Let's see what we can do about that.
Oh, I'm Scribblestick the Chill, by the way. I'm kind of like the Doctor in that I randomly pop up here and there to help people not get their faces eaten by space spiders. Or something.
Anywho, on with the story!
So right off, we have this changeling named Chrysalis P0n-3 who's apparently in a romantic relationship with everyone ever. The name on its own sticks out to me as pretty unoriginal, since it's really just a mix of two existing characters' names, but the fact that it's also your username isn't doing you any favors. To be quite honest, one could very easily mistake this as a blatant sign that this is little more than self-insertion wish fulfillment, which will earn you swift downvotes. Is it fair? Maybe not, but that's how things are.
Also, I can't help but feel like I'm missing the first several chapters, or perhaps an entire prequel, which explains how Chrys managed to hook up with everyone ever. The dialogue he and Luna share suggest the two have a long, deep, and possibly complicated relationship and past, but since you've just skipped all that, I can't help but feel disoriented. Maybe this is explained later in the story?
Oh, wait, it's not. Or at least, it doesn't look like it will be. Seems the pattern for this story is "Chrys will spend time with the character named in the chapter title."
Now, this isn't necessarily an unworkable idea, unless this is all you plan to do. Chapter 3 - Chrys helps Twi organize the library. Chapter 4 - Chrys helps Fluttershy care for some woodland creatures. Chapter 5 - Chrys agrees to model for Rarity.
Here's the thing: Right now, I don't really have much of a reason to care about this. Chrys seems like a nice guy, I guess, but the scenes are so fleeting, we never really get a chance to see another side of him. You hint in your description and at the beginning of chapter 1 that were Chrys' various lovers to discover he has multiple lovers, things would get messy. That might not be a bad conflict, but unless I care about the character at its center (Chrys), I'm not really going to care about his personal life drama, especially when it's kind of his fault for dating so many mares in the first place. And I'm not going to care about Chrys unless you develop his character to the point that he seems real. And you're going to have a really hard time doing that just jumping from one quasi-romantic vignette to another. We're only every going to see one side of him--the generic "nice guy" on an average day.
On a related topic, your portrayal of his relationships with Luna and Dash seem... well, "childish" isn't quite the word I'm looking for, but I can't think of a better one at the moment. It's all kisses and hugs and talking, which isn't necessarily bad, but those are only parts of a real relationship. If you're trying to convey that Chrys's relationships are shallow, then good job, you've succeeded so far. But if you want them to be deeper (as I suspect is the case with Luna), you're going to have to explore more than just those few superficial things. Relationships are hard work, and unless the reader can see that, the relationship will lack a certain depth, no matter how many times they say they love each other.
Mmm, I think you mean "night" here. You know, because that's when the moon and stars are visible.
Anyways, that's all I have for now. Hope it helps!
~Scribblestick, the notoriously friendly reviewer
Scribblestick thanks for your constructive criticism. I may write a prologue. I also got the idea to write short one shot fics from time to time as I'm writing this.
This pleases me greatly.
My OC challenges yours to a duel.
3287267 my oc can take the form of yours :)
3287615
my oc can buttrape yours to death
3287632 My OC will REK yours
3287809
my oc will shrek yours
3287813 I think you forget that Shrek is on my side.
3287830
3287863
3287981
I've added a prologue. I *hope* that helps *some* with back story...
Did Twilight just use the wrong spell? Come on Twilight.
3284537 Your name was so perfect for this comment.
shrek is love
shrek is life
Uh....
Chrysalis P0n-3? Really? Is that really what your character's name is? That's lame, bro. And mine isn't much better (Speed Jumper. Yeah.), but at least create something original without taking other characters' names.
Also, not only are you using your OC, as your username (Which basically means everyone who reads this will assume you're creating a shameless self-insert to fulfill your dreams in story form.), you're using your profile picture as the cover art. Or the cover art as your profile picture.
Over all, seems like a pretty bad fic. Not gonna read this, but I do hope you come up with something better in the future.
I may as well respond to that now. Myself and my oc are 2 entirely different entities that share the same name. Me personally, I find nothing at all appealing about cartoon characters, let alone ponies, as far as romance goes. I have no waifu (my oc does, however). My name: it isn't *that* unoriginal. Sure I could call myself something totally original. I could just go by Tic Blank like I do on other websites or I could come up with something else, but in brony circles, I go by Chrysalis P0n-3, though if you run into me at Bronycon you can call me Tic or by my real name if I tell you it, idc. Getting back tot he point, to me what's "unoriginal" is calling yourself Pinkie Pie or DJ Pon-3 like some people do, including successful brony musicians. I'm not going to get into this, suffice it to say I don't care if those people are original or not.
3366197 I never said you were actually using this to fulfill dreams, I said people will assume you will.
And as for your OC, people who use "Pinkie Pie" or "DJ Pon-3" as their names when they're writing songs are only doing that to give off a feeling as if those ponies made the songs, like Pinkie's Brew, or Pony Rock Anthem. Your OC's name is just plain unoriginal. You want your OC to be its own thing. Therefore, using "Chrysalis Pon-3" doesn't suit it well (Add the fact that DJ Pon-3 is only Vinyl Scratch's stage name, not her actual one.). Your OC's name should reflect his abilities, personality and/or strengths.
Take my OC for example. I came up with the name first. Speed Jumper. Why Speed Jumper? He's fast and he can jump high. So next, I designed him. Blue coat, blue mane, green eyes (All these are supposed to be similar to Sonic the Hedgehog's design, to reflect his "Speed" part of the name.), and he wears a Mario hat ("Jumper"). While its not totally original, I made an OC that works. Yours just plain out steals other names.
You misspelled my oc's name, there's a zero P0n-3. And Pinkie's Brew is by Sherclop Pones. Also, the fact that those people actually use the actual pony as their oc, my oc is a changeling that has my hair and eyes. Maybe I'm not being 100% original because I didn't name my oc "Bob Gordon IV" or something, but I don't want to. My point is that there are people being more unoriginal than me, but they are more well known and popular. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with what they're doing, but what I'm saying is if you're not giving them grief, don't give it to me either, please. The only reason I bring this up is because you are unoriginal in your complaint about the name I choose that I'm happy with and that I'm not going to change. Lastly, if you want to come here and offer some constructive criticism that my chapters are too short or something that hasn't already been said, that's great, but if you want to say 2 things #1 of which I've already heard at least a couple times before (including on here) which has nothing to do with the story anyway and #2 which has also already been said and is the premise of the bloody story itself and can't be changed, you really need not bother. Have a nice day.
3367732 I'm just trying to give some advice. They do it in the song business because they want it to seem like the actual pony made the song. I'd give them grief, but it can't be changed.
I'm only trying to help. Sorry if I'm coming off as rude, but I'm going through some shit right now. 'Chrysalis P0n-3', if you want to keep the name, that's fine. But it doesn't make any sense and tells us nothing about the character.
Plus the actual premise of the story makes Chrysalis P0n-3 seem like a total asshole. Dating a lot of mares, the Celestial Sisters, all at the same time? Not only would that be plain impossible, as someone would say, "Hey, I'm dating this guy!" And then someone else would be like "No, I'm dating him!" Then a shitstorm would insue, then the Princesses would catch wind of it, causing THEM to get mixed up in it. The entire story is riding off the fact that NO ONE has the sense to say the name of the pony they are dating.
Hello, kind pony-fan! It is I The Green Lantern, coming all the way from The Writers League to give you a hand! Although I've only read the first chapter so far, and will only continue reviewing the other chapters if you ask.
, but Pon-3 just sounds like this: 
. That kind of character isn't interesting to read.
Today, I will be reviewing your characters. I find that enjoyable characters lend a big hand in writing the story. Without good characters your story will feel hollow, no matter how good the plot. Let's begin:
First of all, let's address your main character, Chrysalis Pon-3 (To make this shorter I'm just gonna call him Pon-3.) Throughout this chapter Pon-3 sounds and feels... fake. He doesn't seem to have a real personality, just the basic drive of one. A real pony/person might feel like this when walking up to the gate of Canterlot:
Also, when writing your characters, Show Don't Tell. I'm sure you've seen that somewhere, and, trust me, it's huge in writing.
For example:
This is the 2nd paragraph of your story, but with the way it's written it doesn't immerse the reader. Here is what I would do if I rewrote that bit.
He had not expected a warm welcome, not in the slightest. During the trip here he had imagined every known taunt and punishment coming straight towards him. That alone made walking up the path to the capitol scary.
His hooves shifted as he saw the guards on the battlements, and, just his luck, Shining Armor was there.
The way I rewrote the paragraph implies feelings of nervousness and a little bit of fear. To make your characters believable, make them real. Don't just have them do things like a doll. Have them react, feel, and understand what their doing and what, what their doing implies.
I hope this helps, and I hope you can use it in future writing. Good Luck, and expect more of my kind!
~The Green Lantern The Writers League
4252038 thanks Cherry Frosting
There's something kind of artful about this chapter.
I mean, all of the plot is in the prologue. All of the conflict, all of the story, really. Each chapter thereafter just details a series of honestly kind of lame dates. But after some discussion, I've realized that each of these chapters, hints at the existence of the world it's set in-- and I mean that in a very good way. Things beyond the scope of the story (such as it is) are happening. Twilight Sparkle greets her brother with a hug. Cheater McOC went to see Heartstrings at rehearsal. Twist stays late to ask Cheerilee about her grades. None of these things have any impact on the story, but it feels like a pretty good representation of real life.
I don't know how to explain it in a way that doesn't sound negative, and I'm not trying to do that. Certainly, the whole thing is kind of terrible. But picking up on a sort of realistic retelling of fictional events is very... neat.
And this chapter in particular stands out from the others, mainly in that it doesn't end in "and they kissed and went home." It's stark and a little awe-ing.
((Also I'm convinced there's a story in there, somewhere; Twilight Sparkle's spell was accidentally a LOVE spell!))