The Many Loves of Chrysalis P0n-3

by Chrysalis P0n-3

Prologue

It had been a long journey. Queen Chrysalis had sent Chrysalis P0n-3 on a mission to Canterlot. After three days of flight and rest, he had arrived.

He had not expected a warm welcome, so when the first ponies he saw at the gates of Canterlot were Shining Armor and the rest of the royal guard, he wasn't surprised.

"Halt! Who goes there?" Came the question from Shining Armor.

"Hello. My name is Chrysalis P0n-3. I am here to see Princess Celestia. I would like to apologize for the actions of myself and my brethren and see if I can start anew."

"Flash Sentry, please call for the princess and find out if that's ok," came the reply.

The aforementioned pony departed. Chrysalis P0n-3 and Shining Armor just glared at each other. The changeling could tell Shining Armor didn't quite know what to think about all of this. After a few minutes, Flash Sentry returned and whispered something in Shining Armor's ear.

"Follow me," Shining Armor requested of Chrysalis P0n-3. The walk to the castle seemed a lot longer than it really was. The changeling could sense hostility from the captain of the royal guard.

After they arrived at the castle, they entered. Shining Armor led the changeling all the way to the throne room where Princess Celestia sat.

"Your highness," Chrysalis P0n-3 bowed as he spoke.

"That's quite alright, you may rise," the princess replied. "A changeling has a lot of nerve showing their face around here, though. What do you have to say?"

"Princess Celestia... I'm so sorry for what my brethren and I did. I've been sent here by Queen Chrysalis. We all beg your forgiveness. We would like to live in peace and harmony amongst the ponies here and learn all about friendship from all of you." Chrysalis P0n-3 started to get choked up with tears. He couldn't continue speaking.

"Perhaps I've been a little too quick to pass judgement," the princess replied. "All the same, it would be too risky to let Queen Chrysalis and all the changelings return here now. I hope you understand."

"Yes, I understand, I just wanted to apologize. I'm sure Shining Armor can show me out. Thank you, Princess Celestia," the changeling could barely get out. He started to turn around when a reply came.

"Chrysalis P0n-3 is it? Flash Sentry said that's what your name is," the princess asked.

"Yes?" Came the reply.

"I said I can't be quick to let Queen Chrysalis and the entire changeling army return, but I didn't say anything about you," said the princess. You may stay in Ponyville and you will be welcome either here or there any time you please, so long as you behave. I believe Twilight Sparkle has been working on a spell that may help you if you truly do wish to be reformed."

"Thank you, Princess Celestia, you don't know how much that means to me," replied Chrysalis P0n-3.

"Shining Armor, will you escort him to Twilight's library, please?" asked the princess.

"As you command," Shining Armor replied.

On the way to Twilight's library, Chrysalis P0n-3 sensed that perhaps Shining Armor was warming up to him a little bit. They made small talk about spells and the changeling apologized to the stallion personally. Most of the ponies they passed along the way were startled to see a changeling around these parts. As was Twilight Sparkle when she answered her door.

"Shining Armor why are you with a CHANGELING and who the hoof is that anyway?" She enquired.

"Twiley we need to come in," her brother responded.

Reluctantly, she let both of them in. She hugged her brother. "All the same, it's good to see you," she said.

Spike walked downstairs holding a letter. "Twilight, you need to read this," he said and handed her the letter. She used her magic to hold it in front of her and read it.

"Right. If Princess Celestia wants me to test that spell on you and she says she believes your story, I can't complain," she said. "Will you two wait outside for a few minutes, please?" She indicated to her brother and Spike. They obliged.

"Please stand as still as you possibly can," she requested of the changeling. Her horn lit up cardinal red, and a stream of the same color flowed to Chrysalis P0n-3's horn. After a few seconds, the spell was finished.

"How do you feel?" Twilight asked him.

"Good. Thank you. By the way, I think you know my name from the letter, but it's Chrysalis P0n-3," came the reply.

There was an awkward silence. "Right. I think I'll be leaving now," said the changeling. Both were blushing.

Chrysalis P0n-3 made his way out the door and Twilight instantly used her magic to fetch one of her spell books she'd been reading recently. As she did before, she held it in front of her using her magic. She mumbled a couple sentences and the spell was broken out of shock. The book fell to the floor.

"Oh no..."

Author's Note:

thanks for the proofreading again, Peter

Comments

[RagamuffinQ]

Did Twilight just use the wrong spell? Come on Twilight.

[Cherry Frosting]

Hello, kind pony-fan! It is I The Green Lantern, coming all the way from The Writers League to give you a hand! Although I've only read the first chapter so far, and will only continue reviewing the other chapters if you ask.
Today, I will be reviewing your characters. I find that enjoyable characters lend a big hand in writing the story. Without good characters your story will feel hollow, no matter how good the plot. Let's begin:
First of all, let's address your main character, Chrysalis Pon-3 (To make this shorter I'm just gonna call him Pon-3.) Throughout this chapter Pon-3 sounds and feels... fake. He doesn't seem to have a real personality, just the basic drive of one. A real pony/person might feel like this when walking up to the gate of Canterlot: , but Pon-3 just sounds like this: . That kind of character isn't interesting to read.
Also, when writing your characters, Show Don't Tell. I'm sure you've seen that somewhere, and, trust me, it's huge in writing.
For example:

He had not expected a warm welcome, so when the first ponies he saw at the gates of Canterlot were Shining Armor and the rest of the royal guard, he wasn't surprised.

This is the 2nd paragraph of your story, but with the way it's written it doesn't immerse the reader. Here is what I would do if I rewrote that bit.
He had not expected a warm welcome, not in the slightest. During the trip here he had imagined every known taunt and punishment coming straight towards him. That alone made walking up the path to the capitol scary.
His hooves shifted as he saw the guards on the battlements, and, just his luck, Shining Armor was there.
The way I rewrote the paragraph implies feelings of nervousness and a little bit of fear. To make your characters believable, make them real. Don't just have them do things like a doll. Have them react, feel, and understand what their doing and what, what their doing implies.
I hope this helps, and I hope you can use it in future writing. Good Luck, and expect more of my kind!
~The Green Lantern The Writers League