It was another beautiful day in Ponyville. The skies were clear today because Rainbow Dash had already cleared them. She knew Chrysalis P0n-3 was coming over, so she wanted to get done early. She had the night off from her other job. Just then, she heard a knock on the door. "Come in!" She shouted. 'Usually he just comes in. Maybe it's somepony else', she thought.
Rainbow Dash made her way to the door and opened it. There stood Lyra Heartstrings. "Can I help you, Lyra?"
"I was just wondering if I could borrow that Daring Do book from you?" She replied.
"Oh, right, I forgot all about that", Dash responded. "Let me get that for you."
After a couple moments, Dash was back with the book. Lyra thanked her and left. Not ten seconds after that, Chrysalis P0n-3 walked in.
"Lyra Heartstrings was just here to borrow one of my Daring Do books. She knocked and I thought it was you. How silly of me," Rainbow Dash said.
"Oh yeah?" He had seen Lyra from a distance and saw where she was going. He waited until it was clear until he came.
"Yeah, so how have you been?" Dash asked as he hugged her and kissed her on the cheek.
"Great," he replied.
"So you ready for that race?" Dash asked him.
"I'm not sure if I can beat you, but I'm up for it," he responded as he followed her out the door.
"First one to Sugarcube Corner and back wins," Dash said, as the cyan pony and the changeling got into the ready positions. "1, 2, GO!"
And with that, they were off, dodging around rooftops and other obstacles, trying not to look at each other, so as not to slow down. Chrysalis P0n-3 noticed out of the corner of his eye that Dash tried to take a risky turn around Twilight's library and didn't quite make the necessary adjustment in time, so she had to momentarily slow down. 'That'll cost her a few seconds,' he thought.
Dash made it to Sugarcube Corner just a hair before the changeling did. Both made an abrupt stop in mid-air, touched the building, and started zooming back in the other direction.
On the return trip, however, Dash really stepped up her game and she was just a blur. All the same, Chrysalis P0n-3 made some daring turns and dodges and managed to arrive after Dash had probably only been waiting ten seconds or so. She was leaning against her front door. "What took you so long, slowpoke?" She joked.
They conversed some more as they went back inside. "You're still the best, Rainbow," he replied.
"You did pretty well, maybe one of these days I won't win by so much," Dash said.
Chrysalis P0n-3 knew Rainbow Dash wasn't so much of a lovey-dovey pony as some. They played some board games, of which he mostly let her win, partly because he knew she hated losing, and talked. It started to get late and Chrysalis P0n-3 knew Rainbow Dash was getting tired. She said she was going to go to bed, so they kissed each other goodnight, and he let himself out.
No tags.
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Jesus, I just threw up in my mouth a little.
All seventeen types of Albanian nope do I give to you.
I added a tag, sorry I didn't have any
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4768-WATTWI.jpg
The cliches are breaking my nope.gif emitters!
the proofreading is so my fic doesn't end up like My Immortal or the ilk rather intentionally or no as far as spelling, punctuation, and grammar go, the story is mine so if you don't like it I respect that, love & tolerance, just wanted to note that I didn't ask anybody their opinion on if they enjoyed reading this, just that the spelling, punctuation, and grammar aren't terrible
3283968 Whats the point in writing if you don't create an interesting and original story? That's like milking cows and throwing the milk away.
Hmm. Looks like your story's off to a rough start rating-wise. Let's see what we can do about that.
Oh, I'm Scribblestick the Chill, by the way. I'm kind of like the Doctor in that I randomly pop up here and there to help people not get their faces eaten by space spiders. Or something.
Anywho, on with the story!
So right off, we have this changeling named Chrysalis P0n-3 who's apparently in a romantic relationship with everyone ever. The name on its own sticks out to me as pretty unoriginal, since it's really just a mix of two existing characters' names, but the fact that it's also your username isn't doing you any favors. To be quite honest, one could very easily mistake this as a blatant sign that this is little more than self-insertion wish fulfillment, which will earn you swift downvotes. Is it fair? Maybe not, but that's how things are.
Also, I can't help but feel like I'm missing the first several chapters, or perhaps an entire prequel, which explains how Chrys managed to hook up with everyone ever. The dialogue he and Luna share suggest the two have a long, deep, and possibly complicated relationship and past, but since you've just skipped all that, I can't help but feel disoriented. Maybe this is explained later in the story?
Oh, wait, it's not. Or at least, it doesn't look like it will be. Seems the pattern for this story is "Chrys will spend time with the character named in the chapter title."
Now, this isn't necessarily an unworkable idea, unless this is all you plan to do. Chapter 3 - Chrys helps Twi organize the library. Chapter 4 - Chrys helps Fluttershy care for some woodland creatures. Chapter 5 - Chrys agrees to model for Rarity.
Here's the thing: Right now, I don't really have much of a reason to care about this. Chrys seems like a nice guy, I guess, but the scenes are so fleeting, we never really get a chance to see another side of him. You hint in your description and at the beginning of chapter 1 that were Chrys' various lovers to discover he has multiple lovers, things would get messy. That might not be a bad conflict, but unless I care about the character at its center (Chrys), I'm not really going to care about his personal life drama, especially when it's kind of his fault for dating so many mares in the first place. And I'm not going to care about Chrys unless you develop his character to the point that he seems real. And you're going to have a really hard time doing that just jumping from one quasi-romantic vignette to another. We're only every going to see one side of him--the generic "nice guy" on an average day.
On a related topic, your portrayal of his relationships with Luna and Dash seem... well, "childish" isn't quite the word I'm looking for, but I can't think of a better one at the moment. It's all kisses and hugs and talking, which isn't necessarily bad, but those are only parts of a real relationship. If you're trying to convey that Chrys's relationships are shallow, then good job, you've succeeded so far. But if you want them to be deeper (as I suspect is the case with Luna), you're going to have to explore more than just those few superficial things. Relationships are hard work, and unless the reader can see that, the relationship will lack a certain depth, no matter how many times they say they love each other.
Mmm, I think you mean "night" here. You know, because that's when the moon and stars are visible.
Anyways, that's all I have for now. Hope it helps!
~Scribblestick, the notoriously friendly reviewer
Scribblestick thanks for your constructive criticism. I may write a prologue. I also got the idea to write short one shot fics from time to time as I'm writing this.
This pleases me greatly.
My OC challenges yours to a duel.
3287267 my oc can take the form of yours :)
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my oc can buttrape yours to death
3287632 My OC will REK yours
3287809
my oc will shrek yours
3287813 I think you forget that Shrek is on my side.
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I've added a prologue. I *hope* that helps *some* with back story...
3284537 Your name was so perfect for this comment.
shrek is love
shrek is life