• Member Since 24th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Eldorado


Ask me if you have any questions about the site. The more detailed you are describing the problem, the better the chances I'll be able to help.

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In a steampunk-inspired setting where Equestria is ruled not by immortal Princesses but by a democratically-elected Emperor, two rival casts of characters compete to find treasure left behind by Nightmare Moon.

Main cast consists of a mix of my own creations and favorites from the show. All mane 6 will have at least one appearance before the end, as will some of my favorite villains and side characters.

Cover art by me.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 19 )

Wow. Well done! Awesome cover art too. And 1st comment!

Holy frijoles... I think I just found a guilty little pleasure to indulge myself in. This is phenomenally well written, the concept is still relatively fresh, and your writing style promises a grand new world, indeed. I eagerly await the next chapter!

Eldorado
Moderator

443833
443861
Glad you both enjoyed it :pinkiehappy:. I was going to wait until I had the first two chapters written before submitting, but I decided against it. I've got #2 about...somewhere between 1/3 and 1/2 done. It'll actually introduce some of the main cast, now that ancient history is out of the way.

Eldorado
Moderator

465029

Thanks! :twilightsmile: I'm almost done with the second chapter. I hope to have it up either tonight or (more likely) tomorrow.

glad you released a second part can't wait to see where this goes

Eldorado
Moderator

508651 Glad to hold your interest. I'll get the third out as fast as I can without sacrificing quality. I'm trying a bunch of new things in Unlikely Story I've never done before. I hope everything else goes over as well as the first two chapters.

AGGH!!!!! I NEED MORE!!!!

Eldorado
Moderator

534310 Good to see you're taking such an interest. I'm working on Chapter 3 right now. Shouldn't take more than a couple days. I had to come up with names for two of the three original characters that get introduced in it, and that was... harder than you'd expect. Good thing is these are the last three of my own creation you'll see, everypony else is coming directly out of the show or from the minds of my friends. Speaking of which, name a character, pretty much any character (including one you made yourself, although in that case you'd have to describe them to me) and I'll try to write them in somewhere, with a little cameo scene or something.

That goes for anyone else reading this, too - I like rewarding those who take time to read my stuff by giving them a personal stake in the narrative. Pitch me ideas and I'll do my best to get them worked in, as long as the plot structure I've already spent weeks planning out isn't compromised by doing so.

534936 Sorry, i got no pony ocs :twilightsheepish:

I found it especially engaging that you managed to take a canon episode, and essentially solarize it. I also like that the characters aren't portrayed as wholly good or wholly evil. Like Luna, she only wants to be appreciated/ recognized for her night sky, but when Celestia acts dismissively towards her, then she chooses to become Nightmare Moon, and seals her away. Likewise Celestia knows the importance of the celestial cycles, but she dismisses Luna's subtle cry for help, thinking it was simply a passing, or temporary issue, and takes it not as seriously as she should have/ could have. The interplay between the dynamics of the sister's relationship and the resultant consequences thereby, and also the villian/ antagonist taking the victory, instead of the traditional hero wins formula, really engages the reader. One thing to note however, is this story is described as steampunk, but so far, there's no mention of any 20th century industries, certainly the alternate universe tag should stay, but I have not as of yet seen anything which would accord with a steampunk genre, at least in the first page. I've yet to read the second, so I should perhaps with-hold judgment on it until I have, but I thought I should let you know what works in this story and why. A suggestion, though, would be to have a Luna POV, Celestia is a pretty dominant and key player and the story is pretty much told by her, but Luna is also a key player in the story, and it would be interesting to have her viewpoint and thoughts as the story unfolds for her.

Eldorado
Moderator

2169490 This story's been in development hell for the better part of a year. It seems like you're interested, and I greatly appreciate that. Maybe this'll be the motivation I need to start working on it again.

Anyway, the second chapter is going to explain this in better detail in the first few paragraphs of history, but the parallel universe that gets created at the end of the first chapter is the universe this story takes place in. The show follows Celestia's victory, but in the AU, NMM rules for awhile before being taken down by a coup, and THAT becomes the steampunk-inspired, pony-ruled society. Both the princesses ARE going to play a role in the story a lot later, but that first chapter is just to establish the AU, lay the bare groundwork for a lot of themes which are eventually going to be right there in the foreground, and also serve as something actiony and exciting to hook reader attention. Chapter two is mostly talky stuff, and I'm actually going to revise it a bit before continuing. After that, we watch a cast of OCs and a few other characters (AJ, Macintosh, and Rainbow Dash are going to be major players alongside those OCs you see on the cover) on two rival treasure hunts towards the same goal. That takes place in a steampunk society roughly contemporary with the actual show's timeline, except since Celestia was never around to send Twilight to Ponyville, none of the mane six are really close friends or anything. They'll all get cameos eventually and impact the plot in some way or another, but this is largely a treasure hunt adventure set on airships.

I do agree, though. Sympathetic NMM and not-morally-perfect Celestia stories really do interest me, and so I tried to inject a bit of that here in the first chapter and later on when things pick up, but this story is about Sky Shadow, the brown earth pony sitting front and center on the cover, and a handful of other characters who hunt for treasure.

Thanks for showing an interest in this tired old relic of a fiction which deserves a lot more of my own attention that it's received. I really want to breathe life into it again, if I can find the time and inspiration to do so.

Kind of makes me think of the Indiana Jones franchise, though, the stuff that happens before all the action part. The history, the fabled treasure, the research which goes into locating aforementioned treasure. Also here is where we get the first view of the steampunk world/ paradigm. I really enjoyed the historical backstory, in this part. Celestia's ill chosen words which led to her banishment, Nightmare's eternal night, the strain it put on unicorns and earth ponies and the unicorn rebellion and the rise of the subsequent unicorn government. The relinquishing of the day and night from controlled by alicorn diarchs to the governance of natural laws of gravity and velocity. I also find the Doc and his live-in also engaging. How Doc comes to realize that his passion for history and problem/ puzzle solving doesn't equate with experiencing the world firsthand. Then the live-in, content with just doing what's necessary to get by, but he too, chooses to accompany the Doc to find the treasure.
I am unclear as to why the live-in chooses to accompany the Doc. Is it from an obligation of duty, he feels as though he needs to accompany his employer to earn his pay? Is it curiosity to see how similar the temple and the comic book version may be/ play out? Or perhaps the old pegasi codes ignite a long dormant spirit of exploration and adventure?

Eldorado
Moderator

2169752 Indy was certainly one of my inspirations for this. That and a couple other things all came together and mixed with a little bit of my own creativity to generate the world you see here.

I admit to kind of making a mess of the end of the chapter, and the emotions felt by each character. At the time, I wasn't quite sure what Shadow should be feeling, and it certainly shows. The idea is that he's sort of unsure of himself, totally unmotivated as a character. Will go literally anywhere he is told to go and do anything, because the effort required in putting up a fuss just isn't worth it. He works for Lexicon, sort of, and is ostensibly charged with maintaining the manor. But since neither he nor Lexicon truly cares about the manor at all, it's falling apart at the seams and is covered with dust and cobwebs. He sounds kind of enthusiastic towards the end, and that's one of the things I want to revise. I'm not sure if I want him to sort of kind of want to go on the adventure, or be totally driven by the simple fact that Lex wants him to go. He certainly wouldn't stay at the manor by himself; Lex wouldn't specifically order him to tag along, but he'd make enough of an argument that Shadow would decide it better to just go along with it than bother resisting.

There's a bit about that I'm still unsure of. I do need to take another look at this chapter's wording and tweak some things around, so that they make more sense with the characters.

I liked this story. Good job

Eldorado
Moderator

5716376 I'd like to one day fix it so it's less incompetently written and actually do things with it, but me and productivity don't seem to get along well these days.

this is my absolute favorite story on this site if not my favorite story in general. you did a really good job with this and im seriously happy it came out as good as it did

Eldorado
Moderator

7409516 I wish I could summon the will (and time) to resurrect it. I had grand plans for it, but stuff interrupted me early on and I totally lost momentum and never got it back.

Maybe someday.

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