• Member Since 26th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen May 24th, 2016

Scribe of the Damned



E
Source

After Diamond Tiara's one and only friend, Silver Spoon, moves away, she is left all alone. Her dad is around but is usually way too busy with business meetings to spend time with her.

It is only after a run-in with a certain princess that knows all about friendship that Diamond Tiara figures out why none of her classmates like her. But can she fix what she has done and make new friends, or will she remain forever lonely?

Edited by: The Abyss

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 20 )

not bad. a little rushed. but not bad

Not bad of a story good job :heart:

Nice premise, and a good story, with a lot of good ideas. However, a lot of the grammar was off, which broke the flow of the story a bit much at times. For instance:

"Sigh of course dad wouldn’t be there for breakfast, he never is unless it is my birthday or something."

Should be:

"Sigh. Of course dad wouldn't be there for breakfast. He never is unless it's my birthday or something."

Couple of full stops in, makes the flow a lot nicer. Also, there was wouldn't and it is in the same phrase - it feels odd when you have one contraction and not the other.

With a bit of editing and proof reading, it'll read a lot nicer. If need be, try reading it aloud, and see where you naturally pause or stop a sentence.

Good story though, and Diamond Tiara's character was very well done. The way you handled her canon persona and the persona appearing here was excellent.

31839973183886 Thank you I'm glad you enjoyed my story even if it was a bit rushed.

3184161 I'm glad to here that you liked it and thank you for your feedback. I guess I should of read through it a bit more to do some editing before submitting it, I will definitely try reading it out loud when I edit it to help it flow better and I will do this with every story I write.

I'm glad to here that I was able to handle Diamond Tiara's canon persona with the persona in the story as well as I did. I was worried that I would mess it up cause it being my first story and all but I'm glad that my fears were for nought.

3185863 I always like reading a diamond tiara fanfic where she become friends with the CMC :heart:

Such a great story you should make a part 2.

3321618 I'm glad you liked the story. As for a part 2 I do have a idea for a squeal as well as an adventure story that will take place after this story, it is just going to take me time to start writing again due to some RL stuff I have to get on top of, but when I'm done with that I will starting writing both stories up.

Pretty good little DT redemption story

3644981 Thank you glad you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile:

Whether it's music, art, writing, or any other creative skill, it's always good for a person to start simple and work up from there. It allows the person to get a feel for the craft and learn the basics before getting into the more complicated aspects. I think you made a wise decision picking such a simple concept for your first story. It makes it easier for you to write and for me to review.

To begin analyzing this story, I'll first look at its structure. The story's beginning involves Diamond being sad because Silver Spoon has moved away. The middle involves Diamond snapping at the CMC and talking things through with Twilight. And the end involves Diamond making friends with the CMC and finding her dad at home waiting on her for a happy ending. The structure is incredibly basic, with no surprises or plot twists to be found. Everyone behaves exactly as one would expect them to, and the story practically tells itself once Diamond starts having second thoughts about yelling at the CMC. It makes for a cohesive, albeit predictable story.

Diamond is this story's main character, so analyzing her in this story is the next step. She begins this story with the emotional baggage of losing her best friend and feeling lonely. Her dad's not there, she has no friends, and she's apparently grossly unpopular at school. However, she's got a niggling feeling that all these problems have something to do with her not being nice to anyone around her and constantly criticizes everything she says and does, finding something wrong with it if it's not 100% benevolent. Of course, that doesn't stop her from saying or doing it anyway. The Diamond Tiara you've crafted is mentally unstable, having virtually no reason or desire to continue her unfavorable behavior even though she continues to do so. When she was talking to Twilight, she said outright that she knew was being mean but apparently wasn't aware that she was being mean. That's quite an insane manner of thinking, don't you think? Also, I thought the dichotomy of her thoughts was an interesting concept, but I was sad to see it go the second she realized she was wrong. I think it would have been more interesting to have her keep her insanity even after making friends, only for it to naturally go away as their friendship grows stronger. Alternatively, if your intent was to make Diamond out to be a sane character going through the depression of losing a friend, I'd suggest giving her a solid reason to continue acting the way she does. You had something with her 'jealousy' remark, but you didn't follow through with it. Your eventual reason was just "she didn't realize she was being mean," and the second she did realize, it was a one-way trip to Unrelenting Apology City.

I could compare this story to one about someone dropping their keys in the dark, almost finding them, and having someone turn the lights on, point to them, and say, "There they are." With Diamond already feeling remorse about her behavior and apologizing in her head before anything even happens in the story, it doesn't feel quite right for someone else to give her all the answers out of the blue. She doesn't do anything or figure anything out on her own, making her seem more like a tool than a character. You're on the right track by creating an event that gives Diamond her eureka moment, but it should feel more like a natural occurrence than a gift-wrapped present from above. Have Diamond bump into Twist, almost yell at her to watch where she's going, realize she knocked Twist's glasses off, and then break down crying as the fallen glasses remind her of Silver Spoon and cause her to release a burst of emotion that leads to her true feelings. Have her spot her dad negotiating with one of his clients in a nearby cafe and make her cheerfully run in to greet him only for her to accidentally spill hot coffee on his client right before he makes the big sale. Then he yells at her, and when she says she was just trying to help, she hears Scootaloo's words echoed in her own voice. Be as creative as you want with it. Just avoid keeping it too linear. Try to veer off in a different direction so that the reader wonders where you're going and therefore feels obligated to continue reading.

If I could say what I like most about this story, it would have to be Twilight's response to Diamond's emotional breakdown. Though the scene that led up to it was a bit too perfect, the scene where Twilight wrapped her wing around Diamond and Diamond felt like she wasn't alone was both natural and fitting to the theme of the story. As a standalone scene, it makes for a nice image and provides excellent characterization to Twilight. It's nice to know that even though Twilight's heard about Diamond's 'jokes', she still cares enough to help her and doesn't immediately assume the worst out of her.

As for what I like least about this story, it's guilty of a very dangerous sin in the world of writing: redundancy. A very important tip when it comes to telling a story: when you state something, you should avoid stating it again. Take a look at this excerpt from the beginning of the story:

Sure he is there on my birthday or other holidays or on family appreciation day at school, but I just wish he was around more when I need him.

A few lines later, we have this one:

of course dad wouldn’t be there for breakfast, he never is unless it is my birthday or something.

If you've ever been reminded of something that you already know, you should understand what makes this a problem. Regardless of how we get the information, we quickly get annoyed when we hear or read something more than once. Twice is acceptable if a considerable amount of time has past (like a couple chapters worth), but otherwise it'll sounds like you're implying we don't have the attention span to remember the last time you told us that very fact. Fortunately, you didn't commit any redundancy in the form of telling an entire scene twice, so that's one less problem I have to tell you about.

Also, I find it funny that Diamond's actions in this story had absolutely nothing to do with the coincidental event of her dad taking off work for a month. If she had done nothing that day, her problems of loneliness would have been solved regardless. How about that?

I'd tell you where I spotted grammatical and syntactical errors, but frankly I spotted about one per sentence. I'd suggest finding an editor and looking up examples on the proper format for writing dialogue and dialogue/action tags. When it comes to a writer's first story, my standards are that if I can understand what happened, I can call it successful, and this story was too simple for me not to understand what happened. Keep at it, and you'll definitely improve.

I'd call this story a peanut butter sandwich. It's a great dish for you to choose as your first, and though it's a little sticky and rough, I can tell what it is and taste a little flavor behind it.

Make the most!

3655156 Thank you so much for posting your review. I will take this to heart so I may improve my writing in the future. I did want to have some one look this over and help edit it but I was on a time line for it and I finished it last minute, a poor reason I know but next time I write something I will be sure to get someone edit it.

I'm glad you liked her talking to herself in her head, I was worried that it might have come off as weird when I wrote it. Though after reading your review and thinking back on it I guess that did make DT seem quite mentally unstable since I didn't make it clear why she keeps acting the way she does even with the voice saying that it's not the right thing to do.

I have been thinking about this story lately and I'm not sure if I want to leave it as it is or have someone look at it and help edit it and fix some of the problems with it. On one hand I think I can make it better and want to do so but on the other I want to keep it as is so I can look back on it and see what I did wrong so I can avoid doing it again.

Again thank you for the review and I'm glad you enjoyed it even with how flawed it was. I hope that I can improve on my skills as a continue to write which I hope to get back into soon and have something out by sometime near the start of the new year and this review maybe the motivation I need to due so.

Not a bad first story! Like the guy who wrote that long review said, this story is plagued with errors and such that'd I'd be able to fix for you.

3670887 Really? That would be great! :pinkiehappy: Thank you so much.

nice story, good feels from this one! personally I've always had the feeling it was Silver Spoon that was the only one with a soul

at least it didn't take what happened in the-rise-of-darth-vulcan for her to get a wake up call on her attitude and start being worth while to society much less Ponyville

:yay: another story where DT ends up worth something

I love this. I always love redemption stories I kind of wish you had multiple chapters to this story so I could see more DT with the CMCs

3779862 Glad you enjoyed the story. Also while I won't be adding more to this story, I do plan on making a squeal to this one. I want to forge the bonds that I have start here to become stronger between DT and the CMC. But before I do that I wish to improve my writing skill so I can pull it off.

3777155 Yeah I normally can not stand DT at all. I just hate those with her type of personality, this story was the only way I could write one about her and have it mean something worth while.

It's not a bad story, but it's a bit rushed and, I guess, oversimplified. I'm not sure I see Diamond making a complete turn around after a single talk with Twilight. Life-altering self-discovery and changing major character flaws is stuff that takes time and a lot of effort even when you are really trying. I do like the idea of Diamond getting friendship lessons from Twilight - in fact I'm surprised I haven't seen that before - but I still think DT would really have to struggle with it, and the CMC would need to be very patient with her. And that's great, because that's the sort of drama that makes for a good story. If Diamond really doesn't understand what she's doing wrong, then that is actually a very interesting aspect of her personality that ought to be explored.

Basically, everything sorted itself out a bit too easy. Try not to be in such a hurry next time.

3779940

Personally, I love characters like DT, or Trixie or Blueblood. etc. There is something kinda cathartic about writing really haughty people who can't empathise properly with others, since they tend to act very unrestrained all the time, and they usually have the most rewarding character development. :twilightsmile:

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