- Member Since 8th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen May 25th, 2016
Writer Fire
Ok i finally updated my Bio. Im not a good writer i will admit that. I write just for fun. and come on who doesn't like to write a story here and there? Well sorry if my storys suck.
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ok
Fire is such an inspiring name.
I'm not even going to read this.
It's an obvious self insert.
This won't end well.
Here, let me fix that:
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
There sure are a lot of boring scenes where someone buys something at a store.
Let me start (as I find myself doing often) and saying that writing chapters that are less than a thousand words isn't going to give your readers any good feelings any time soon (pun intended). Aim for a minimum of twelve hundred as anything less isn't usually appreciated. In short: if you can fit the entire chapter on your browser page, that's no good.
A nice enough description. Short, sweet, and to the point. Onto the story..!
So many grammar errors, so little time. I hope that you aren't another one of the folks here who write their chapters on the actual site (as opposed to in a Word document as you should). On the off chance that this is the case: don't write stuff on the site. The very least you could do would be to use Google Docs and don't ignore all the red squiggly lines of mistake. One thing that I don't believe even the newest versions of Word will catch, however, are things having to do with properly quoting dialogue. If you end with something like: he/she/it/bob said, then you need to end the quote with a comma, not a period. So please keep that in mind the next time you try to write.
Logical flaw detected due to misuse of wording. Using the word: It to describe flame here causes a massive mess-up that needs to be corrected. As is, you're saying that the: It that is in the bed is a bright sunny morning yadda yadda yadda. It's like if you took the word: It and replaced it with something like: He. A different word perhaps, but the same friggin' thing.
Really bumming me out here with all the grammar/formatting errors. First off, Twilight isn't a moron so she shouldn't speak like one. Another big gripe that I'm annoyed at having to bring up concerns numbers. Unless it's over a thousand, write out the freakin' thing instead of just plopping a number down on the page. It looks more professional when you write it out (and looks less lazy as well). While there are others, I'll leave the final gripe in the claws of formatting and say: you don't need to start a new paragraph in the middle of a quote like that. It hurts the pin-pong-like nature of two characters talking without the aid of much thought to scenery when one person is granted two separate paragraphs to say two lines that aren't even more than a sentence long.
Finally we get to something grander than petty grammatical errors! This entire mass of wording is nothing but a big blob of boring telling (something that isn't good or interesting). Instead of showing us the events take place, you just drop us a single paragraph that sums up what could easily take up a few chapters-worth of (possibly) interesting story. You aren't getting anyone's sympathy by telling us that your MC is a no-life DJ with no friends whose parents got axed for no reason. That type of crap doesn't make readers like a character, a likable character makes readers like a character. We love the characters from MLP for their diverse and believable/likable personalities, not because their lives sucked and misses Faust told us that in a paragraph.
Ignoring the punctuation errors in light of something bigger, love is a hard thing to write right. This is only made harder when you're shipping an OC with one of the mane six. Don't try doing it until you've got a bit more skill under your belt as otherwise you'll only get hate from your readers. This is likely your greatest downfall.
Ugh, this better not be a trollfic.
Okay, do you seriously not know how to spell Ponyville? It gets annoying after a while.
So yeah.
You tried, and failed, to write an interesting love story. You didn't have any interesting characters or any good description and this was ultimately why you failed. My suggestion is to write something easier like a one-shot slice of life fic where you just try to have characters interact in a believable way to get better at writing. As well, make sure that you read read, READ as much good fiction as possible (though an occasional shitfic won't hurt).
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
/)
It's good for a rough storyline to give the gist of the story, other than that make it LONGER it has no substance, you really should have made the entire thing into one chapter if you were going to write it this short, I know how hard it can be making a story when you're not talented at it but good try.
Ps: genetics would not allow for this ending in most of the universes I've seen.
Gestation period for ponies is approx. 11 months, not nine.
Someone else hit on the grammar errors, so I won't beat a dead horse.
Practice makes perfect
Seems way to fast.
Liar. This story practically doesn't count as a story. There's no character development. There's nothing interesting that happens. And it's a self-insert where you get to bone Twilight and somehow have a couple of kids with her.
Your main problem, other than the length, the grammar, the fact he's a DJ and the story line is it's doing nothing but telling the reader what's happening. What you're doing is simply telling us what the character is doing at the particular moment. Twilight got s book using her magic. She walked over to the couch. She started to read her book. She thought about the human. Etc. That's not story telling. A story would go something like this: "Twilight sighed as she went about her day but for some reason she just couldn't focus on her work. Her mind was constantly going back to thoughts of Fire. She smiled as she thought of his voice, or his smile, or his fingers and a slow blush crept up her cheeks as she imagined what they might be able to do to her. Shaking her head to get rid of those thoughts for the moment she hastily grabbed a book off the shelf, not knowing or caring which one it was and just started to read. Unfortunately it was a book on inter-species relationships and while humans weren't included as one of the species it actually made her feel worse. "
See the difference? I'm telling you what's going on and I'm filling in things as I speak and it's giving you the same information but it's trying to engage the reader and pull them into the story. It might not be literary gold but it's not just the dry "this happened. This happened. This happened, etc" that you've given up until now.
i1282.photobucket.com/albums/a525/FicusCat/AppleBloomBigNo_zps5c430cb2.png
Warren Peace said it all, you got a lot of things to correct and improve.
You're not a good person.
3183772 Is this all you ever say?
It's the truth
3186698 Truth or not, it's irrelevant.
We'll, um the update was a bit abrupt, but besides that. MUTANT BABYS?!
Sadly warren beat me to this one. Take his advice. Also reread what you write out loud. It will help. The main premises of the story is good the presentation is poor though. You had both of them do the same thing (go shopping), you never gave reasons to why they had fallen in love, and you write a sex scene that lasts only for couple paragraphs at most. There is no build up they both just wake up one morning and go here I love you now lets make out. Even if you were going for a batman past story you should of said how they died, the feelings he got from seeing it happen, the reason for no human friend? The idea was good but the rest not so much keep up the good practice.
First thing
this escalate too quickly there needs to be more character devolpment
two you sir just put a hardly 90 strong sex sceene about words
three WTF how the hell did he got naked that fast not even a pornstar can get naked at that rate
four that doesnt seems legit my headcannon says that Twilight would put a bit more resistance since it is her first time and all
five grammar dude grammar i mean you put ponyvill instead of Ponyville
six i know its your first fic and all but my first fic that was rejected hasd a thousand strong in the proologue and more description if you dont belive me then i will put it as a blog post or a comment in your blog or somethin'
seven and Slow. The. Fuck. Down as i said in the first part of this rewiew this escalate too quick you need some proofread and editors
eight it developted in one day, most clopfics have a delay of a pair of days
and that was all follow the shit i pointed out and sure you will become a better writter (not that i am a great one but still the best blades are forged under the hottest fires
Ok so youre gouing to tell me that for some fucking reason twilight got pregnant from a human when she's a bucking pony, equines just have one or two chances to get pregnant during a year amd for a woman or any animal takes more to be able to have another heir while at least mammals while lactancy theres no bucking way to get pregnant and simple crossing logic says it wont work you can cross two species if they are two sub-species of a major species ej Human Ape it would work just because we evolved from them
Warren Peace has a lot of good views and explanations, but I just need to add my ten cents here as well...
Sorry, but I didn't even read it, and the reason why; it looks way too short. Im surprised the moderators let you even post this story when the first chapter didn't even meet the mandatory 1k word count. please, read other stories before you try to post anymore. try to look at how others write, and try to copy them in a way (just not their actual work, that's plagerism, and that is bad).
You can improve. I have friends that are ADHD and they have a few other problems im not going to name, or who they are, yet they write amzing things. just try to make-up for what you are lacking...
3182868 Very well written... Im tempted to ask you to do the same for my stories, but they are strictly mature for this account.
Now then, have you written any books? Only a handful of people can tell actual errors in a story as thoroughly as you did...
May I ask why people are still reading this? This is my first story and it sucked ass. Read some of my other one instead of this one.
Your Brony/DJ friend
Vixle.
3538440 None of your stories would qualify at this point in time. Similarly, they're currently on Hiatus.
No, I have not yet written any books. I've simply been reading since I could read and writing fiction for seven years.
Actually I like it even though it should be compressed into one chapter. Not bad mot bad at all
No.