A human from the year 3425 is sent to the wonderful world of Equestria
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Chapters (5)
- Member Since 8th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen May 25th, 2016
Writer Fire
Ok i finally updated my Bio. Im not a good writer i will admit that. I write just for fun. and come on who doesn't like to write a story here and there? Well sorry if my storys suck.
Writer Fire
Joined 8th Sep, 2013 ·
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You better not let them invade his mind or something.
That was a little… abrupt. But it's good, if a little off-grammar, and I can't wait to see where this goes.
Punctuation.
This story was a pain to read due to the lack of punctuation.
I also don't know how you managed to get Pinkie's name wrong.
The first thing the human said was
When did she send the letter? Again, little to no character development.
No build up whatsoever. To be honest I see no future for this story, since you started the story and ended with the character meeting the princesses in less that 1.500 words.
I understand that this may be your first fic, but many mistakes could have been avoided by just re-reading it, and not rushing it.
Take this as constructive criticism.
~RuD
Thank you guys for the criticism and sorry it was short. The next chapters should be longer if college doesn't get in the way.
I find it weird that the main character did not react much at all really when he saw the ponies but princess celestia did not take him as a threat at all, meh.
What no beating up any ponys????
3438958
EPIC. FAIL.
Well, you've made it blatantly obvious that this will be a ship fic with Luna. I could easily tell by his comment on how beautiful the moon apparently was, before he even landed on the damn planet.
Overall, sorry to say, this is quite bad. I'm out.
3456304 How is that a fail? The word was spelled correctly and properly used.
I think you should take out that last sentence in you description. They will like it if they're satisfied with the story.
First.
Now with seriousness so far so good you should improbe the descriptions though aside from that Keep up the good work
You need an editor.
You want my opinion? Well I can give you it, but only if you really want constructive criticism. If you don't, then forget this comment, but I'll say three things in the simplest format like you use yourself;
Its needs to be more descriptive
Its needs an editor
Oh and this is rich right here, you need to actually fix a main character's name; Pinki is spelled Pinkie.
You see what I did? I explained everything that was a problem with your story except I wasn't descriptive, the same problem you infuriate throughout the story.
Personally I don't know what you should do with the story also. I really don't.
Okay, okay. I'll be firm, to me. I hate these type of stories, really generic stuff that's been done over and over. I abhor this genre greatly, that sci-fi/Equestria stuff doesn't work for me.
But! Here is the positive side, yes. Here is a positive side to your problem. The genre itself is very famous among Fimfiction-goers and so that means no matter how good or bad the story is (like HiE stories), aside from grammar (which you need help with), this story can blow up and get you on the featured box. Really it can, it sky-rocket there and give you millions of enjoyment. People will be coming to you and say this is the best thing out there and I firmly and strongly believe it can be, but you have to show appreciation for the story first and I can tell you tried, I really do because I struggle myself. I was where you were three months ago back in September and now I've improved because of constructive and abusive criticism. Something you need so you can become better but watch out. Some people are jerks for reviewing and love to bash someone's story while pretending to sound empathetic.
My overall score is; 6/10 for the story.
Grammar and everything else; 4/10.
Have a great day!
3480985
you sure it's not collage? or is that a different word?
SHADDUP IM STUPID
This reads more like an overview of what is happening, rather than a proper story. For example, the first chapter could be easily turned into a five to six thousand word chapter of set up for just the tech level, how the multi weapon works, describing the short corridors to the pod ship, then the details of take off, the trip out to the planet before bringing up the mission briefing, then describing the view outside the ship, the drop pod, then ending when he lands. Next chapter could have the first meeting with a pony with both of them freaking out to a degree, then bring in Twilight and Spike to explain things and bring up Celestia, next chapter, trip to Canterlot, meeting the princesses and discussing culture and possible shared history, then memory spell, next chapter, slide show of all of his memories, next bring up test side effects, next chapter, getting a job in the kitchen, time skip, suddenly necromorphs raining from the sky, next chapter, cutting and burning spells determined to be most efficient, halberds issued in place of spears, shield wall construction and beginning uses of enchantments on human weapons, next chapter, wall shifts establishment, pegasi scouting missions to relay to the other cities and towns for survivors, next chapter, find out the source is the crashed ship, start pushing defenses out to it slowly, then send Gerlack into the ship with a broad spectrum defensive group, about two of each race, then the latest chapter, getting in through a wall of the dead, lose some random character, then find a relatively safe spot, deal with emotional loss and wounds, and begin planning the route to either a lab or the captains office, then whatever happens next. Now keep in mind, this is literally a bare bones version of how a very well written version of this story would be, the actual story would be full of description, emotion, and so on so that it is not as dry and bland as this. I wish this story had multi thousand word chapters to make it really shine and stand out, unfortunately, it does not. Also, please get an editor to look over this story.