Seems way to fast.

First thing
this escalate too quickly there needs to be more character devolpment
two you sir just put a hardly 90 strong sex sceene about words
three WTF how the hell did he got naked that fast not even a pornstar can get naked at that rate
four that doesnt seems legit my headcannon says that Twilight would put a bit more resistance since it is her first time and all
five grammar dude grammar i mean you put ponyvill instead of Ponyville
six i know its your first fic and all but my first fic that was rejected hasd a thousand strong in the proologue and more description if you dont belive me then i will put it as a blog post or a comment in your blog or somethin'
seven and Slow. The. Fuck. Down as i said in the first part of this rewiew this escalate too quick you need some proofread and editors
eight it developted in one day, most clopfics have a delay of a pair of days
and that was all follow the shit i pointed out and sure you will become a better writter (not that i am a great one but still the best blades are forged under the hottest fires