• Member Since 21st Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen Mar 13th, 2019

Keragon Sharp


I'm most likely good at this.

T

Twilight Sparkle has always been interested with scientific mysteries, but what happens when her interest turns to things that are more... cryptic? Join Twilight and her friends as they search for monsters and hidden creatures in this new series; Lost Tales.
(Rated Teen for gore, although it's few and far between)
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Actually, with school and writing another two stories, sadly I won't be able to work on this anymore. so, if anyone wants to take it over, feel free to FiM-mail me and edit the Introduction if you wish. Sorry about that.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 3 )

Make them hunt the Rake

If creatures from creepypasta arent allowed show them the yeti

Maybe the bunyip or the bloop.search them up

Okay, I'll offer a critique.

Over all the writing was pretty good grammar-wise. Just a couple small notes on dialogue and attributions. For example:

"I doubt that Twilight would tell us to come here late at night just to play a prank like that." The cyan pegasus replied.

In here, the dialogue should end in a comma instead of a period and in the attribution, 'The' shouldn't be capitalized. So double check your dialogue and attributions, I think there was at least one other spot that didn't agree.

Another little thing that jumped out at me was this:

"We have absolutely no experience, any one of could be seriously injured or worse,

You are missing the word 'us' in there.

Now to look at it from more of a storytelling perspective. I feel like the premise is a little bit contrived. I can't see a very good reason as to why Celestia would ask Twilight of all ponies to investigate dangerous monsters. I think you could get to assuaging some of the reader's uncertainty by having Twilight address that issue a bit more directly. Maybe if she has planned to meet with the other princess to ask her personally, even though she might agree with Celestia that it is worth looking into these monsters and learning about them. I still think Twilight would refuse to be left in the dark about Celestia's reasons, and I don't think Celestia would leave Twilight in the dark about her reasons.

I also feel like the mane 6 agreed a bit too readily. I mean what's in it for them? This introduction could benefit from delving a bit deeper into what is going to motivate each character to actually take up the task. The only ones I could see agreeing so quick would be RD and PP. But even RD probably has some stuff that she does regularly which might be hard to abandon at the drop of a hat (maybe Wonderbolts stuff).

I do like the idea of going on adventures and exploring neat monsters, it could be a fun way to do some world-building, but remember that characters are the ones that carry the story, if they fall flat, your story will too, regardless of how neat the world and monster that are being explored really are.

I hope you found this critique useful.

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