When a strange young unicorn comes out of the forest exhausted from the cold of night, nopony knows exactly how to react. Her weird behavior and lack of magic skills and a cutie mark despite the fact that she's twelve years old confuse everypony. But the strangest part is she disappears into the Everfree Forest every night, and doesn't return until before the sun rises. What secrets does the odd filly keep, and why would she have to go into a forest filled with dangerous creatures every night?
Soon to be turned into a full-color comic with my incredibly talented friend Foxstar5!
Chapters (5)
So what does everypony think so far? Please tell me in the comments if I should change anything or what you didn't like!
intresting
I think this is a good idea so far. I can give out a much more detailed review later when things start picking up.
2769558 Thanks so much! I'm only 13, so other peoples opinions and advice are great for me!
Also, I may update either on Thursday or sometime early next week.
1. I think the using ‘trot’-[a moderately fast gait of a horse] was not a very good descriptive word to use when Madisyn fell out f bed and Twilight went to help her. If I saw someone fall out of bed, I would be there was fast as I could, but this word made it seem like Twilight was kinda rushing but not really putting much work into it. A more realistic word would’ve been ‘rushed’ or ‘ran’.
2. You began to describe how Madisyn felt when she used her new body a whole chapter after she begins using it. You could’ve done so when she first started walking with her equine body and the reader would’ve gotten a better understanding of how she felt with it and it would make a bit more sense to do so.
3. I don’t think Pinkie is that inconsiderate about someone new. She probably wouldn't of surprised a pony that they had found unconscious.
4.When Pinkie surprised Madi, Madi’s reaction felt a bit soft as when people are surprised, they tend to flinch or scream instead of just standing there confused.
5. Twilight seemed out of character at the end of the chapter as she doesn’t try to find answers to why Madi was out at the Everfree Forest unconscious and just waits to get said answers, which we know is not like her at all.
1. When Madi fell out of bed, you could’ve explained how it felt for her. Describing the feelings of actions of a character would help the reader to get into the story better.
2. When you have a new character speak after another has spoken, put it in a new paragraph, it just looks more organized and it’s a easy to see that some new is talking.
Think this chapter and the other chapters before could’ve been placed all in a first chapter which would give the chapter some length to them and give the reader time to get into them. To add some more length to them, add more description words, more side conversations, some thought process, etc and you could get more readers because many people like to reader the stories with the longer chapters or story in whole. Parts of it could’ve been done better, but if this is your first fiction that’s okay because the practice you do, and the more skills you pick up, the better your writing you become.
I can’t be generous here or else my credibility would sink, so I’ve decided to give this chapter a 3.5/10.
1. I like how Ruby and Twilight both like books. This would bring us to a point of understanding between the two like the Elements of Harmony did for the Mane Six.
2. We are kinda starting to get a personality from Ruby so keep it up
1. If Twilight had said Ruby's name before around Spike, why did he ask for it after that? Check over a chapter before you upload it or have a proofreader read it for such mistakes.
1. The parenthesis in the first paragraph don't have to be there since we are already in the character's POV.
2. Wouldn't it make more sense if Spike had said "Why are you downstairs" instead of "Why am I downstairs."
3. Just wondering, how would Ruby know Spike was a dragon?
I liked this chapter a lot more compared to the last one as more things happen and more characters are starting to come it. It's getting more interesting and I can actually say that I'm excited for the next update. Though, I do suggest you get a proofreader to look things over for any mistakes.
I was tearing my hair out to get this chapter a proper score, I finally set it on a 8.9/10 due to the character development and personality of the characters while there being some dialogue issues that made me have to think twice and this sapped me out of the story experience.
Alright so I read it all. I'll point out a few mistakes I noticed.
In some of the earlier chapters you slip out of past tense and into present tense. It was a little awkward reading that portion.
As for the dialogue, parts of it feel a little stiff or forced. In chapter three, I feel like the scene could have benefited by thinking out the characters a bit more thoroughly. A good way to make the dialogue feel more dynamic is to look at each character before they talk and figure out what the character wants from the character they are interacting with. If you can figure out what the characters want, the dialogue will begin to write itself.
Basically just ask, 'Why is this character talking?' and 'What do they want from the characters they are interacting with?'
All characters have motivations for their actions (both verbal and non-verbal), and when these motivations form a cohesive narrative, they begin to show deep and interesting characters. When there are contradictions or dissonance between the character's actions, then you either need a reasonable explanation for these actions, or the character will quickly be seen as out of character.
Overall, your grammar is fairly consistent which is nice. I'd nitpick by saying that you should emphasize with italics instead of caps. And you should always spell out numbers instead of writing them. Unless the character is reading a visual sign with a number on it, then you can get away with using numbers in the text.
The protagonist doesn't really have much presented personality. Having the human world scene is almost entirely void of reason, except as a plot point or future goal to head back toward. It didn't present us with much information about the protagonist as a character, so many people will see it as idle 'wish fulfillment' which will drive readers away in droves.
Also one thing I don't really get is her not choosing to give her real name. That just seemed an unusual choice given the circumstances, and I kind of saw it as a meta decision.
I also agree with a lot of what 2977420 said. And the scene where she shows an interest for books is a nice touch and probably her first real display of genuine character. I did however feel that them choosing the same word comes across as kind of contrived (but I wouldn't worry too much about that).
One thing that I found kind of strange is that Twilight would find her not being able to use magic as unusual, after all, she has no cutie mark (much like Sweetie Belle, and Sweetie has yet to learn magic). I think Twilight would be more surprised if Ruby managed to use magic to hold the glass instead of her hooves.
Well, I think that's all for now. Thanks for writing,
~SilentBelle