I'm that teen-aged Yorkshireman with the vast collection of hats and a pair of mutton chops.
Since before he could remember Sebastian always had some drastic tragedy following him around, there was always something somewhere going wrong for him. Whether it was an illness, an injury or a personal problem was down to chance, but each time, whatever it was would always be colossal. He never had small, simple problems. It almost felt like someone way up there in the clouds was fucking with him… Almost…
Little did he know... He was right.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Man this story is looking like it could turn out to be a really good one. I would be happy to be an editor for you. Just PM me!
PS: I think I know what's going on.
Please don't make him fuck up first contact by telling the ponies that Humanity are monsters and he isn't.
2980023 Glad someone got the reference XD I had no idea what to call my story, so I thought "Hell, why not memeify it?" and the title seems to fit quite well.
2980059 Glad to hear! I'll send a PM within an hour or two when I'm not busy and I'll see if we can sort something out between us.
2980064 Oh trust me, he's not gonna do something as stupid as that considering his current position.
awsome pleaz wright more
2983455 Thanks you, and don't worry, I will
I was expecting this to be hated and reviled, Turns out you didn't actually do that bad, apparently.
I can't be arsed to read it though, or review it. The former will make me cringe due to HiEness and the latter will be incredibly biased due to aforementioned HiEness.
2984923 I'm just as surprised as you man, I thought I was gonna sink. The internet works in mysterious ways...
Okay, my opinion.
So far, this is...
Not bad. Not great, needs work, but good and by no means terrible.
The concept is tried and true. I think. I almost never read HiE, save for a couple of exemplars, so I have no idea if this actually does anything different. Seems pretty cliche to me, but whatever.
For one of your first attempts at a story, the writing is surprisingly good. I have a few complaints below, but they're minor nitpicks, for the most part.
I'm quite biased, since I hate HiE, but my personal bigotry aside, I think this is shaping up to be pretty decent. What i would first recommend is getting an editor, but you've already realised that, so moving on.
The problem mostly lies in your narration, really. You overuse adverbs and have a tad too much physical description.
Also, the tone shifts around rather abruptly for my liking. I might have already told you this, but yeah.
As for the characters, the OC seems to analyse things logically at all times, when he really should be panicking and generally indulging in his self-preservation instinct. I dunno, just seems a bit too unbelievable at times.
The ponies themselves seem a bit OOC. Twilight and AJ wouldn't really behave with that much hostility, since all the guy did was fall to the earth and get a bit of blood and bone on some children. Surely, they would just try and make sure the "animal" is, you know, not dead? And then politely question him? I don't think killing is really in their mindset.
So yeah, not bad. Just get a competent editor to fix the mistakes in grammar, reword a few sentences, and I'd give this a thumbs up.
Also, for the love of Discord, please don't be too cliche.
...Huh...
As an active HiE Reader, I can say that this story is somewhat unique.
But somewhy I just wanna punch you in the face, dunno why.
2989133 As an active comment reader, I can say that your comment is somewhat unique. Somewhy I think I want to punch you in the face too.
lol
2989488 Believe me, that would be the worst decision in your life, whenever I get angry I lose all feelings and simply go full-blown hulk, heck, if I were angry enough I would probably headbutt the Hulk.
2989493 ... YOLO *Punch*
2989504 ...
*Breaks your arm of like it was a toothpick, proceed to stab you with the bone.*
2989507 *Spontaneously turns into a platypus and scurries away singing "Shooby dooby doo waa"*
2989520 *Suddenly appears in front of you, punching you in the face sending you flying into a tree*
2989523 *My sexy, sexy duck-bill broke your knuckles. Also, the tree was Fluttershy, who nursed me back to health and scolded you for being nasty.*
2989533 *Logic suddenly starts working, and everything that previously happend resets*
2989535 *Since none of that actually happened, I thank you for your feedback and state that I would love to hear of what you have to say on my next chapter when it is uploaded.*
Have a nice day good sir.
Gee, wonder what a lions paw, yellow eyes, and evil laugh mean...
2989488 Is this story dead? Because it's been a good 12 weeks...
3411164 No, the story's alive, but my computer and then my internet were not. For a damn long time. I've posted a couple of blog posts explaining things like this and a sneak peak at the next chapter, so you can go and have a look at that if you like.
The main problem right now is revision. I've got a load of mock tests in a week that I have to prepare for, but I am working on my fanfics and both groups when I can. Sorry for all the inconvenience
3411164
3411239
Been almost a good three years now...