Twilight opens up a school for the gifted in order to help her select an apprentice. Little does she know what she's gotten herself into. What do you do with so many sharply contrasting personalities? How often does she need her antipsychotics, again? What do we do with the paranoid schizophrenic?
Most importantly, how will she choose her apprentice?
"Rage against Fear" cover image made by me.
Page generated in 0.085 seconds
Total duration
697 users online
828,253 hits today, 2,364,530 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
My Sweetie Belle is going to be an alicorn soon, I'm so proud of you darling
2572552:
Okay, this isn't really a story, it's a prelude to a story. And it's really not that good even as a prelude. The delivery is dry. There's no detail given, there's no flesh on these bones. There's no action, just a summary of what happened. The plot, what there is of it, is nothing more than a by-the-books trope... the secret test of character. And you give that away in the introduction. It reads, in fact, like a homework essay by a bored grade school kid.... rushed, truncated, and even the one writing it isn't really interested in what happened because they want to get it over with and go out and play.
Twilight is out of character--- a vain egotist who has her pupils memorize her own quotes. An alicorn version of Brainy Smurf. The other two characters are barely even there: SweetieBelle would be out of character (studying to be an alicorn apprentice??) if there was any character THERE. She's a barely-mentioned cipher; she doesn't even speak! And what little we see of Dinky is such a gross inversion of her typical personality that you might as well have used a random OC pony, or even Diamond Tiara, in her place. The reasoning doesn't even make sense: Twilight chides Dinky, not for using a potentially lethal attack, but for attacking her opponent at all, when she herself ordered them to DUEL. And on a side note, even a nonlethal duel is fought 'to first blood.' As Twilight didn't give any rules or parameters (or the author was too bored and rushed to mention them), Dinky would have to operate on the assumption that she had to draw blood to win.
And the key motivation of the plot is borked-- NEITHER parental figure thinks it's the right thing for their daughter/baby sister. Ignoring that, you have Twilight Sparkle give the role to the one who doesn't want it, and deny it to the one who actually showed ambition for it. Most authors would go on and give a second inversion where Dinky gets a grip on her temper and proves herself worthy, and a (relieved) Sweetiebelle concedes. You just take the story to the point where everyone has made the big mistake-- and drop it.
And there it ends: where a real story is just beginning, with all three characters behaving out of character, and the whole reading with all the intense action and immersion of a traffic accident report.
2572725 thanks for telling me what I already knew. I didn't like this story, I only wrote it because someone asked me to. The concept was hard enough to write, and I rushed it because (I'm sorry, DryB0nes, if you're reading this) I honestly knew that I couldn't make a full-on story from his concept.
I understand what you're saying, and I respect your input, but taking the time to type out a foot-and-a-half long comment about why my story's bad doesn't help me or you.
I apologize if I offended you with this, but I'm slightly on edge right now and feel like I have to speak my mind.
I hope you have a nice life wherever you are.
Again, I appreciate input, but it helps if I don't need a softer to help me find the point.
Sorry again. I got kind of jerky there.
I'm not going to rate this now...
The story has potential, but you need to push yourself. Don't be afraid of descriptions. If I were you I would try to over describe all your actions, you need to answer the "how" more.
That is my first bit of advice. After that, you need to follow the model of how a proper story is formed and use that in each chapter, after all these are mini stories. They should be respected as such.
Parts of a full story:
Introduction (establishment of characters),
build up (of action, drama),
Climax (the pinacle of the story),
build down (the gradual resolving of the build up),
resolution (answers the ultimate "why" of the whole story and all other loose ends not tied up before)
A good author can mix all these parts, but all parts will always be there.
It's a good start. More editing would allow the characters to be more realistic and not as rushed. But keep trying!
Also, I really like this story idea, it's really good. I was wondering if maybe I could borrow it and put my own twist on it? It's giving me all sorts of ideas.
2574825 Absolutely. I would be interested in seeing it when it's done.
2574064 I agree. Honestly, every story but one I've done so far has been a request from someone else. Now that I'm done with those, I can focus on my own stories, which I'm sure will be even better.
This isn't a great work - it could use a lot more depth. You need to spend more time on the three characters and do more work to establish the problems they both have. As it stands, everything in this story is one-dimensional and, frankly, somewhat boring and easily forgotten. More depth and more detail is the cure. However, it has great potential.
It would be nice to spend more time with teen!Dinky and teen!Sweetie. Learn a bit about their lives and the thoughts that make them who they are. Maybe you could spend time explaining why Dinky is so aggressive and why she is willing to do so much for external validation. You could spend some time showing Twilight the teacher in action.
2575550 When I finish the three I have queued up, I'll probably work on this since I have no further ideas.
So does that mean that Sweetie Belle and Dinky Hooves are both candidates for her apprentice if they are the focus of the story? Also, I presume Twilight's an alicorn in this fic? Anyway, can't wait for more!
2590468 Every student in her class is a candidate, but yes, Dinky and Sweetie are the main ones.
And yes, she is.
Winesap! Yay!
2599361 Winesap will have her story told soon enough. It's going to be a good one, too.
Wait... Applebloom has a cousin who seems just like applejack and basically is but slightly different traits?
2621690 Winesap is an as-of-yet underdeveloped character. i'm working on her life story, a story called Cider Apples (not published yet because I have issues with publishing incomplete work), in a hope to explain to my readers why she shows up in pretty much every story i write.
To answer your question, yes, but Winesap has a personality I haven't developed very much yet. To get a better inkling of what she's like, An Apple Family Tradition is probably the best indicator, though she also makes an appearance in I Am Octavia.
Aww, poor Elusive...
2624893 Elusive was deaf and dyslexic. It was very hard for her to learn the material.
2625213 Oh I see. Well, she still got a good mark. Nice ending by the way too! Great fic with a different point of view and style.
Rule 63 References For The Win.
2625793 Yup. Not the most creative with names sometimes.
2625511 My goal was to not make anyone look stupid or anything. It was a special needs class, after all.
2625991 I wasn't calling them stupid by any means! Gah... What have I gotten myself into... I'm sorry.
2627702 You're fine. Stupid was my poor choice of words, not yours.
2627922 Whew. Thank you.
2628202 No problem.
What does D.E.P.S. stand for?