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Enclave2277


"Did you try setting it to Wumbo?"

T

This story is a sequel to Canterlot High Has A Club About What?!


The long summer in Canterlot City has come to an end. And for Sweetie Belle, not a moment too soon! She can now begin a fresh school year with the NLAC free from Diamond Tiara's schemes. With new found support from Silver Spoon and Rarity, Sweetie plans for this year to be the best she could possibly have.

But when a new student, who wears a mask and covers her entire body appears, a daunting challenge is thrown Sweetie's way. Will she be able to uncover the mask, see the tragedy behind it, and use her new lifestyle to help this mysterious transfer student?

Author: Blake Skies

*Please be advised that any inquires regarding the cover photo will be ignored*

Chapters (16)
Comments ( 136 )

A good story so far. I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes. The difficult part will be remembering what's canon and what's not.

I'm enjoying it. Good first chapter. I'm eager to see where it goes. Thank you for continuing it.

Wasn't expecting this so soon, good so far so I'll look forward to the next one.

I think they’re names

their

The story seems pretty good so far.

I wonder if, in this world, someone with the name of Smith might actually be a smith of some sort.

Enjoying this one so far. I'm really eager to find out why the new student has to wear a mask. Keep up the great work.

It's nice to finally see a real sequel to the original story. Sometimes another author can write a decent sequel to the original author's work. Sometimes...not so much. I'm glad to see the original author back with a true sequel, and looking forward to the read.

Lot of editing errors in this chapter. The more glaring ones:

every single club in CHS had to renew its membership for the New Year.

"new year" should not be capitalized here, as you are not referring to the holiday. The start of a new school year is not a proper noun.

Because that meant filling out the annual renewal forms for club room usage, membership requirements, the club charter, and the worst of all: the budget.

Honestly, you shouldn't have "Because" at the beginning of this sentence.

“Meh, Vice-Principal Luna has helped tremendously in that regard, if last summer was any indication. But still I get your point. Right now I’ve been working on the club’s budget and that’s been giving me all sorts of troubles.” Sweetie bemused.

mused, not bemused. They mean completely different things and are not interchangeable. I suggest you look their meanings up in a dictionary so you don't get them mixed up again. Also, that should be a comma after 'troubles', not a period. This same error persists throughout.

I would love too,

to

I guess I see you’re point

your

But like all things within regards

with regards

“Ready and waiting, too the ice cream parlor we go.” Rarity cheered.

to; also, there's that punctuation error again. This is the last time I'll point it out but I've run into it at least ten times by this point in the chapter.

Despite the high humidity, the residents were outside enjoying the sunshine and clear blue skies. All of them had smiles on their faces as they played or did yard work.

I have never once, ever, known anyone to smile while doing yard work on a humid summer day. It is one of the most fucking miserable things you can do, working under the sun with the air pressing down on you. There's not a DAMN thing to smile about until you get inside, rinse off, and get a cold drink. (This is more of a nitpick/observation, mind, not a correction.)

Last semester seemed to have ended on such a whacky note

wacky

From a magical adventure to a freaking horror themed party

Observation: Superlatives such as 'freaking' shouldn't be used in narrative unless it's first-person narrative POV.

a moving van resting in front of a house

parked

In no time and all

at

“We saw each other yesterday,” Button bemused.

Again, not how you use this word. Last time I'll point it out, not the last time you did it.

“Oh I don’t know guys,” Twilight commented, “I think it mind sound fun.”

That last sentence makes no sense.

“Gonna redo it from scratch, I have the design down just not the color scheme. I swear even after she ditched that good for nothing manager, RaRa still has no clue on how to accessorize.” Rarity answered.

Rarity would never say "Gonna". Keep in mind which character you're writing at a given time, and write their dialogue appropriately.

“Have you tried adding Purple?” Pinkie asked, “Or Pink.”

'purple' and 'pink' should not be capitalized here.

Sweetie chuckled before noticing two people walking through the crowd. Much to her enjoyment it was Silver Spoon and her girlfriend Mirror Gem.

"enjoyment"? I'd think "delight' would be the proper word to use here.

There's also a lot of missing/incorrect punctuation. I'm not going to go down the list and note every missing comma or period, or every place where a period and comma are used incorrectly. Just...there's a lot of them.

One other thing: The dialogue is a bit awkward and forced. I would recommend (this is for Blake) that you learn how to write better dialogue. More natural dialogue. The best way to do this is to look at what you've written, let it "play" in your head in that character's voice, and ask yourself, "Do they actually talk like that?"

8241211
Blake told me that he supposedly had someone go through and edit this. I guess he isn't doing a very good job.:ajbemused:

In the past, I used to actually proofread and edit the story, adding and changing dialogue at times to make it sound more natural. I'll be sure to give Blake some pointers on that. Thanks for the heads up on the errors and I hope that you'll stick around for this installment.

8241211

One other thing: The dialogue is a bit awkward and forced. I would recommend (this is for Blake) that you learn how to write better dialogue. More natural dialogue. The best way to do this is to look at what you've written, let it "play" in your head in that character's voice, and ask yourself, "Do they actually talk like that?"

Give me some credit i had to at least try to make this like the original haha. :trollestia:

Kidding aside this is normal for me when i first start any story. don't worry i caught that too and hopefully found my footing

Ok finally got to this


Sad there won't be much Scootaloo (fav CMC) but overall looks like a good start

Well, I read through the first story and found it an enjoyable read, so now it's time to see how it feels to read a new one at the same pace as everyone else. Should be fun. And no one has asked for the 'original' image yet which is kind of surprising. :scootangel:

And my theories on Breezy's condition are either a horrible burn victim or just a severe mental hangup. Personally leaning more towards the mental aspect. Would be interesting either way.

Poor Breezy Kite, nobody deserves such a fate.

I agree but luckily for her if there was any place to be accepted and make friends in its Canterlot high

8253432 I agree. I couldn't even imagine what someone with that amount of burns to their body would have to go through. Hopefully Sweetie Belle and the others will be able to help her.

She just needs Sci-Twi, Pinkie, and Rainbow Dash to prepare her for a life of wearing synthetic skin masks that melt after 99 minutes to engage in anonymous vigilantism! :pinkiehappy:

So Breezy was going to have to work extra hard at staying hidden.

Good luck with that. I wonder how long it will take Murphy's Law to take affect?

Dang it. I was hoping my mental hangup theory was the correct one. So that really sucks.

Two quick thoughts I had though. One is surprise that Breezy isn't wearing gloves, or are her hands relatively unscathed? Two is that if she just throws a black cloak on she could try and pass it off as a Spirited Away No-Face costume.

Seriously hope someone finds her before Diamond does. But I'm foreseeing much more grief on her part when she is eventually 'exposed,' so please let Sweetie find her first. I feel like she'd be the most gentle in the discovery and acceptance. And it sounds like she could really use the break. It'll be interesting to see where you guys take it regardless!

Well, color me intrigued. I like where this is going. :twilightsmile:

I already like this sequel more than the other. Where the other quickly became confusing with it's multiple plots this one feels cleaner already. I can already foresee the problems the NLAC will have with somebody who wants to keep hiding behind clothes.
Is it me or everytime I ready "white mask" I think about the Phantom of the Opera :rainbowlaugh:

I feel sorry for Breeze. Nice to see that Dinky has sympathy for her. I don't want to imagine how sacred Breeze face must be. I cnm imagine that she must look very scary in her outfit and mask but with the burns, it most be terrifing for others to see, I can understand why she is so shy and acts like that.

It looks like Sweetie Belle has got a tough nut to crack. Understandibly so from Breezy's POV. She's got not only her physical scars but being hidden behind the mask and long clothes has given her emotional scars as well. :fluttershysad:

I'm sensing that next week's chapter is going to focus on Breezy as the central character as opposed to Sweetie Belle. It'll be interesting to see what her situation will involve from her perspective.

“Uhh Sweetie… I don't think she's a sadist. She’s a burn victim.” Dinky explained.

A sadist enjoys hurting other people, a masochist enjoys hurting themselves.

At first she reveled in the fact that she was once again naked, but quickly the revilement turned to boredom.

I'm thinking you meant revelry, since revilement means hatred, or feeling something is vile.

8268274
I'm honestly surprised she hasn't bumped into Pinkie Pie yet. I can't even imagine what that would be like... :twilightoops:

8274516
Very traumatizing.

The only upside for Breezy so far, is that Diamond Tiara isn't present, and can't do anything to make the situation worse.

8274516
Best analogy I can think is an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object.

Wow, this is kind of depressing. Still, I am looking forward to seeing where this is going. Clashing ideas and two very different people. The question is; what will bring them together?

It's worth a try Breeze and you can have someone to talk you, make you feel better.

I'm eagerly anticipating Breezy's finding out about the NLAC.
I'm kind of assuming the climax of the story will be; Breezy getting comfortable with forgoing her coverings.

All I can really say is; damn, Breezy has it bad. It almost sounds like she has a Nightmare in her head. Depression can be a real :yay:tch.


8284206
I'm kind of expecting that as well, but I hope I'm wrong. It would be great if she as least became comfortable enough to not hide as much, but actually fully embracing it could cause some serious emotional whiplash. It'll be interesting to see which route is used.

8284223
I hope she finds out about it through Sweetie Belle. Like, she overhears it from a couple of students, then asks Sweetie about it, rather than hearing about, say, Karaoke or meditation, then just jumping right into it, completely and utterly overwhelming her.

Sweetie Belle well make a great first friend. Also unlike the new cover

A good start for Brezzy. I don't blame Apple Bloom for getting up with Botany, she lives on a farm, it makes sense that would be what first comes into her find. And Dinky's idea with the color is a good one, body paint mostly works.

Great finish and can't wait to see them try body painting.

Can we possibly have a picture of sorts, if not I'm cool with that

The hardest part of any friendship is being the first to speak up. With Breezy being extremely introverted, it has to be that much more difficult. Glad to see Sweetie Belle agreeing to help. Can't wait for the next chapter. :yay:

The next day brought a gentle rain storm that cooled down the hot and bothered city of Canterlot.

...

:ajbemused:

Adjective

hot and bothered (comparative more hot and bothered, superlative most hot and bothered)

(idiomatic, colloquial, slang) aroused, especially sexually
(idiomatic, colloquial, slang) aggravated or irritated

Yyyyeeeeeeeeah...

This chapter is...kind of meandering and redundant. Case in point:

For Sweetie Belle, the hours leading up to club hour went by rather uneventfully. The school year was still young and many were attempting to settle into the monotonous routine that would become normal for this time of year. Sweetie herself was slowly adjusting as well, but that meant that any excitement that could’ve been had would be a long ways away.

This paragraph needs to be dragged out behind the barn and shot.

“Tell me about it! I asked AJ for advice, but she couldn’t come up with anything.” Apple Bloom responded.

“Rarity was pretty miffed as well.” Sweetie piped in as the duo descended the staircase.

Rarity was angry Sweetie Belle asked her for advice? That doesn't seem right...

“Gosh, I didn’t think coming up with ideas would be so tough,” Pinkie bemused.

:facehoof:

*headdesk*

Mused and bemused are not interchangeable. THEY DON'T MEAN THE SAME THING. STOP. DOING. THIS.

"Painted on clothing", seriously? That's a freaking TERRIBLE idea...

Sweetie sighed, “Pinkie, see if you can find a decent enough artist who's willing to paint us.”

“No problem!” Pinkie responded.

YEAH, FINDING SOMEBODY WILLING TO PAINT A BUNCH OF NAKED GIRLS' BODIES, NOBODY SEES THE PROBLEM HERE?

I mean, seriously, unless Watermelody is in the NLAC, this has INCREDIBLY BAD IDEA written ALL OVER IT!

Where's the current cover art from?

8299438
And it actually sounds like something a club with that name would be about. You know, if you didn't want to name it something like "Botany Club".

8299755
I see a problem, but I don't know if the characters do...

To wit, in order to make it not obvious that they're naked, they have to have something done that will almost certainly stimulate some sensitive areas.

In b4 Breezy walks in on Sweetie while she's Nude.

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