it has nothing to do with deh i swear

someone pls end this endless cycle of self hate blehehh

i know exactly how I could do it (that isn't killing myself)
I'm just not ready to do it

oh how i hate my family to the point i have constant thoughts of...

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I can't write anymore. I can't do anything anymore. I'm stuck on this story, and I can't finish it, and I can't write anything else until it's finished. I hate it, I hate writing, and I hate myself. I fucking wish I'd never started it. It's a monstrosity, like me, and I just don't know what to do with it.

Hey everyone. Like pokemon? Then check some of these pieces of gloriously bad meme out:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12288631/1/The-Legend-of-Red
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12408081/1/My-name-is-Coldsteel-the-Hedgeheg
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12328752/1/VERLISIFY-VERSUS-SMOGON

Enjoy!

Words are...hard.
I struggle to find the right words to say.
the feelings in my heart.
I struggle to find the right word to say.

Am I any good at this?
Can I write at all?
How do I know?
How do I see the light that shines within.

I know it's hard, I know it can be overbearing, and it can consume me.
I won't let it get me down.
Even as I sit here, crying unable to stop the tears

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I don't smile,
I don't laugh,
I don't care about life,
I don't think about tomorrow,
Every day is just another that is borrowed.

Anxiety is always surging,
My stomach is always purging and twisting,
My thoughts are always kept high but my head is hung down low,
I don't want this pain anymore,
Misery is aplenty,
I just want to get out of here.

Don't lie to me,
I see it in your eyes, the fact that you are scared of me,
I know not why, and it makes me cry,

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Look, I know it's been ages since I published a new chapter of the Awesome Spider-Dash, and I just want to apologise for that. At first it was just pure laziness and writers block (you know, the usual), but lately it's more been fear and shame that has stopped me from writing.

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So I don't talk about myself too much here, oddly enough I talk about myself here in more personal detail than anywhere else. I guess it feels safer to talk about things bothering me when nobody knows my real name. Yet I think there are some things that need discussed, for my sake and hopefully to help others. For the past year I've been suffering with suicidal depression. I've seen a therapist, I've done some exercising, and I even picked up yoga. All these things have been very helpful but

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It’s a strange thing, isn’t it? To look back on where you’ve been and how much you’ve changed a couple of short years. Two years ago at this time, I was still very much ignoring this fandom, and the show that we all love. I was interested, but not wanting to acknowledge that interest, but it wasn’t to last. By the end of November I was bingeing the whole series on Netflix, and by the first of 2018 I was totally enraptured with these lovely little ponies and their world.

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How do I love and care about myself as much as I say I love and care about my friends? I want to stop disappointing myself so I stop breaking my mom’s heart, because she already lost her husband to shittyness, she doesn’t want to and can’t watch me squander my amazing potential on idle hedonism every single day year after year.

P.S: this extends to writing as well. Believe it or not, I would like to write more than just shitfics all the time.

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Everything is off of my plate except for planning for the classes I teach, which start Tuesday.

Accurate in both senses.

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Most of Paul Joseph Watson's videos consist of typical right-wing fear mongering about the Left, but in Wednesday's video I think he went absolutely off the deep end.

Popular culture does NOT "glorify and fetishize" depression, rather depression is something that comes through personal experience, such as the loss of a loved one.

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IN WHICH SAD STORIES BECOME EASY
Today has been a not-pleasant day. Mostly because money. I don't have it (or I do but I'm cheap) and bills are coming in much higher than expected. I'll have to talk to people about it, but I have a pathological fear of confrontation of this sort, especially when it involves having to make a phone call. And since the year is about to roll over, I'll probably be forced to go through this rigmarole again immediately.

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I've read about three good ones. Ben and the Bats, How many lovers have you made today, and I can't remember the third one.
I wish there were more good ones like them...SO I'M WRITING MY OWN! It's also going to be one of the few times you guys ever see me write in FIRST.PERSON.

POSTING AFTER WORK

I have had depression issues in the past, usually MLP is a way for me to find solaice and happiness. Lately thats not the case as Starlight Glimmer seems to just be an anchor around my neck, I feel like she is dragging this show down as all the effort in episodes is in ones focused on her, and she is displacing Twilight as the main character.

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Hubby is home. I should be more upbeat, but he's busy with schoolwork. Ho hum...

Listening to some Nirvana on Pandora. Started a new station. Still working on it.

I'm so happy because today
I've found my friends
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay, cause so are you
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care
And I'm not scared
Light my candles in a daze
Cause I've found god
Hey, hey, hey

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It took seventeen years, but I finally did it. My depression has been beaten. Here’s my story.

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Fuck everything. I want to write. But I can't, not right now. This is going on for a week and four days now. I feel weak. I feel nearly constantly exhausted. Nothing else but pure and 100% relaxation can give me at least a tiny shred of happiness. The moment I touch something that can be described as "work" in one way or another, I feel how my brain starts to twist and knot itself. I get ill and feel sick. I have the desire to write, to write for Lemon Crumble and Cozy Glow and Kettle Corn and

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An Intricate Disguise is dealing with severe depression (see here) that is making day-to-day tasks very difficult, something I can identify with. They were going to sell some possessions in order to make ends meet, but even a small donation could help make a difference until they're able to get back on medication.

Thanks for your attention.

I am not one to speak about my issues in public. I am not one to fish for sympathy. But this is something I want to vent.

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