) My Hiatus Away From FimFic · 4:37pm Nov 19th, 2019
It took seventeen years, but I finally did it. My depression has been beaten. Here’s my story.
There are so many things that I want to say to you all, yet whenever I bring myself to sit down and write this letter, I could never seem to find the right words to capture it all. Now that the series has concluded, however, it seemed this was as good a time as any to try again. I have been so deeply touched by the MLP community, and it has my eternal gratitude for that. Suffice it to say, I would not be here today if it weren’t for the people in it.
It’s no secret that I’ve been battling depression for the majority of my life. If I didn’t come right out and say it before, I’ve at least hinted at it as well as some traumas I suffered. It started somewhere shortly after I hit puberty, and ever since I’ve been trying to find ways to cope with it in an ever growing and intimidating world around me.
When I first joined the fandom, I didn’t really think anything of it. It was a place for me to come and try my hand at writing again, something that I have always loved, but struggled to maintain focus long enough to see a story to its completion. I’d always lose my inspiration eventually, and to keep myself immersed, I needed something new just to keep myself from dropping off the face of the planet.
Truth be told, I was doing that with nearly every aspect of my life. Every now and again I would get fleeting moments of happiness and contentment. But every time the cold, emotionless feeling would soon return. It was never far. And the worst part of it was, I thought this was just the way I’d always feel. My normal state. Looking back, I was nothing more than a hollow shell of a person trying to act like I was whole.
Then, I joined a Fimfic community. I met some friends. I think this was the first time I really opened up to anybody. I’d never really opened up to my family or friends or even the man I was dating at the time (whom I eventually married). I enjoyed conversing with them, and I had an audience who seemed to care about what I was writing. And while I haven’t written nearly as much as I wanted to, I wrote a heck of a lot more than I would have before I joined the community. For the first time, I felt like I was part of a team. I felt like I belonged.
I became infatuated with someone on here–multiple someones, really–and then married. Looking back on that now, we only really did it because it was ‘the logical thing to do’. Things were already beginning to unravel by then, but it would be some time before I knew what was in store for me. For a while, things become business as usual. I wasn’t entirely happy our lifestyle for the past decade, but it wasn’t really an issue… until it was.
I continued lugging around the baggage that resulted from my upbringing all the way to the point where I got laid off from my job. When that happened, it was like I suddenly didn’t know what was going to happen next. What my plan was going to be from there. I attended several interviews, made dozens of applications, but I was only half-heartedly trying because I was still hurting from unexpectedly losing my job.
Piece by piece, I started losing everything I held dear. We started looking for stopgaps to the funds we were bleeding as I held out for the fruitless hope that I would somehow miraculously get a new job and save the day. I was so wrapped up in thinking that getting another job in my field was the only solution that I didn’t realize what was happening before my eyes.
I was getting rejection after rejection after rejection until I couldn’t take it anymore. I retreated to this community and devoted all my resources to it, as if it was my only lifeline to the world around me. I wasn’t getting out and seeing people, friends and family, anymore. I was cooped up in my room, wasting away. I turned to writing and reviewing to make myself feel productive. It quickly became my form of escape without realizing it. I started writing a lot, much of which remains unpublished even today.
When at last it became hard for me to even do that much, I turned to others for support. I felt my loss of concentration and inability to focus was all the result of ADHD, and so I got myself onto the medication. It worked wonderfully… for a little bit. Then, I realized I was having a negative reaction to the medication. It was making me even more depressed, anxious, and delusional. So I stopped taking it. And while I truly do have some form of ADD or ADHD and therefore lose my attention at the drop of a hat, it wasn’t the primary culprit for what was happening. It was all the stress and depression I was holding inside of me.
There were so many lingering feelings that I couldn’t process. Some of them I didn’t want to process, while others I simply didn’t understand. I was desperately looking for answers, but I didn’t know where to get them from. It seemed that I would never find them, and so my final form of escape became people. I simply sought comfort because I didn’t know how else to make it through to tomorrow. Every day became hard for me, and so many of them started to become filled with nothingness, and traveling around to meet people was the highlight of my days. And I ended up hurting people. Several of them, some of which were due to reasons because I was encouraged to participate in activities I wasn’t ready for, or because I was encouraged because I had been ‘planning on it for a while’.
Then, I met BleedingRaindrops. It’s no secret that I became polyamorous a while back, and at first he was just another in a long line of people I sought comfort from. The longer I knew him, however, the more I realized how I stopped needing others to comfort me. I no longer needed to look toward others, for his presence became all I needed to get up and start doing things for myself. He understood me and pushed me in ways no one else had, and I didn’t know how badly I needed that until he gave it to me. Without even realizing it, I started redirecting all my pain, which was distributed to everyone before, toward him because he was helping me find ways to heal it.
Something else was happening though that I didn’t realize. It wasn’t healthy to subject him to all of that. And so he broke things off with me sometime in May. Afterward, I was faced with a harsh reality. I still had all this pain, which was starting to unravel and had absolutely nowhere to focus it on. To avoid pushing him further away, I looked hard for those answers. I knew something was wrong, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone with this pain anymore.
Suffice it to say, I was in a very bad place. I walked away from everything and focused solely on myself. This site, my job hunt, my other relationships, and even my marriage. There was absolutely no way for me to work on stories, or even bring myself to tell you why or when I would be able to start them again. Every time I thought, “I think I can start anew again soon,'' something else unraveled and I would have to process it emotionally.
This has been a good experience for me, probably the best one I’ve ever had. I started paying off my debts, processing my emotions, and allowing my mind to be realigned so that I truly become a more selfless individual. I worked on myself more than I have ever had in my entire life, and as a result something happened within me… All the pain, and depression, that I’ve been holding inside of me? It ebbed and ebbed until it was (mostly) all gone.
I’m just so glad to have met BleedingRaindrops. If you haven’t checked him out yet, he’s a wonderful and talented individual. He truly cares about all his friends and loves, and he has truly turned my life completely upside down. I cannot begin to express my gratitude to him or the love I hold in my heart now. He empowered me to take control of my life, and I’m going to use it to help others now. There are a few I have already helped turn their own lives around for the better. And no matter where my life takes me, I know one thing will remain unchanged. He will forever be in my heart.
There is still much more to go for me yet, but I’m making great strides to put my life back together. I know I will make it one day. I have four more debts to pay off, and I’m going back to school next semester. I’ll be damned if I don’t make it as an engineer one day. There are still several projects I want to work on in the meantime, things I want to settle. I imagine that one day soon I will be able to return to writing with a vengeance, without the stress and depression holding me back. I also imagine that my storytelling will benefit significantly because of the journey I’m taking. But I am asking you, pleading with you all, to be patient with me a little longer as I settle my affairs first, as I would be distracted by them otherwise. I love you all so much, and I hope that you stay true to yourselves. Stay awesome!
Glad to hear you are doing better!
Stay strong. There will be good times and bad but you can weather it because your friends care about you. Don't stop advocating for yourself medically and know that ponies watch over you.
You give me too much credit. I was simply God's willing tool in your life. I'm glad you've found your direction
I'm glad you're doing better. Take the time you need. You are what's important, here.
5157725
Precisely. But you presence in my life was exactly what I needed. What I still need so that I can learn more about life. And love.
Times are rough alot, but the people around you are the real friends in life, the ones that are nice to you that is.
Take care
I'm glad to hear things have gotten so much better for you, and good luck. :)
Happy to hear that things are looking up for you. I hope the healing process will continue. I think for people like you and me keeping the firefighter's logic in mind is rather crucial.
Best wishes
00_02
5159107
omg omg omg, 00_02?! I... I never thought I'd be able to speak to you again! I'm so glad I am getting the chance now.
I made some pretty big mistakes in the past. You aren't the only friend I caused to walk away from me. I know what I did now.. I just put way, way, way too much on myself. Too much stress. Too much everything. There was no way I could help so many people when I would not help myself.
I'm not gonna lie. I've missed talking to you, buddy. These last few months have done wonders for me.
5159311
I am glad to hear they have.
I think all of us do make some pretty big mistakes at some point in their lives, and the ones of yours that i know of are certainly smaller than some that i unfortunately have made. What's important is to learn from them and move onwards - i know far too well the temptation of agonizing over something that happened in the past that i cannot change any more. I think it is important to keep in mind that our responsibility is the future, and that the past is a stepping stone for us to reach it and should not be a millstone around our necks. I hope you find that easier than i do.
I've always been available through the channels you know of. I had to terminate our cooperation as it really did not work out, but as i wrote in our mails i still care for you, and checked up on whether you wrote anything about yourself (or posted a new story) every time i logged back in to FimFiction.
I'm so happy to hear that you are feeling better, Amore!
Keep it up!